Breastfeeding best for baby but VERY stressful for me and rest of family?! bit of a rant!

[glamourmama]

Does anyone else feel slightly exasperated at the demand of feeding on demand? My ds is 4 weeks old (yes I know he is still very young and Bf is still getting established etc) however I have a 7 year old dd who is feeling a bit pushed out of joint (totally understandable) she has gone from havin a happy energetic happy mum giving lots of positive attention to a sleep deprived grump who constantly has to break away to feed ds. She is playing up but I can tell she feels very insecure I'm not helping by snapping and getting cross (not helped by being exhausted from bf in the night every 2 hours. Sick of my house being a tip (no time to tidy up either) sick of looking like shit (no time to have more than a 5 minute shower) hair completely caked in dry shampoo. All I do is nag dp to do jobs then comlain they not done properly! And if I rested whilst my baby did I would never get done all that needs doing or have any time with dd at all! I love bf and enjoy sitting and snuggling ds whilst he feeds but wish I could still do other things mainly with dd. Does anyone else feel a huge difference between feeding first child and then have difficulties with subsequent children? Or do I just need to get a grip!

Where it might be worth introducing a bottle is at tea-time/early evening - could your DP do a bottle then which would give you one on one time with your DD

that sounds a really good idea.

Oh that's the sling I got. Also worth a look is Victoria Sling Lady, they're about half the price of the Kari Me's.

Will let you know!

I breast fed exclusively both dc. I am glad I did and if I had anymore children I would do the same again. It's worth the extra hardship, but I am not going to lie and say that it isn't harder because I believe it is. I was much more stressed as my dc seemed to be constantly hungry and agitated while I was EBF. DD only slept through and took naps during the day after she started solid food. She never drank formula at all.

I look at my SIL kids and they have both exclusively bottle fed and both babies are content babies that are in good routines and seem far less stressful than my own.

Still having said that I would STILL choose to EBF because for me personally I believe it to be best, FOR ME, not for anyone else, for me. So it is your choice entirely and you do what you feel is best for YOU and YOUR BABY. And thats that.

When I was breastfeeding ds i'd often sit and do sticking / paing / reading whatever with dd, was easy enough tbh.

I find the feeding itself pretty easy I have got mastitis at moment but antibiotics seem to have worked but I feel my relationship with dd is becoming damaged she is not dp biological child and ds is so I'm very concious of this. My concern is I stop feeding and regret it, ds is defo a breast man! He is gaining lots of weight and hardly cries. Its still early days I just can't bear dd feeling sad!

Givemeashake, I completely get what you're saying. I felt like my baby was constantly hungry, always crying for milk, slept very sporadically as always seemed to be waking for milk. I just wanted her to feel full and safe and satisfied and I felt as though I could not to that. I know it's natural for EBF babies to feed frequently but I couldn't rationalise it myself - when she cried for mlk an hour after a feed I would just feel terrible that she hadn't had enough.

I think you're doing brilliantly and are right to question this.You are a mum to 2 children and as a mum to a 7 year old dd I know how much they need you too. They're so little still but maturing too in a strange way,at times only mummy will do for reassurance.She has a right to your time too as she didn't ask for her life to be turned upside down.

I personally don't understand how some mums can go on these babymoons you hear about and just blank out of their brains older children for several weeks.I physically couldn't do it.

I was a mum to twins first so always felt ripped in 2 hence my ff from 6 weeks. Neither of my babies ever had the luxury of mummy focusing entirely on them but they've survived and are 2 lovely well adjusted 8 year olds.

I had dd a year later and was determined to go past 6 weeks again but then I had 2 very needy toddlers that just wanted mummy so again only made it to 6 weeks. This was absolutely right for us though as we were all heaps happier as a family both times we started ff.It was absolutely the best thing for all 3 kids.

You're right these difficulties are never highlighted in the literature,they should be.

Good luck with battling on but don't feel bad whichever way you go,you're only trying to do your best for both children.I think your plan sounds like a fab compromise. Could you express loads over the weekend so dp could halp out and give you more time with dd. Also why don't you choose some nice new crafty stuff with dd and sit down with her to do it whilst you're feeding. Explain the new things are because she's doing really well with adjusting to how different things are.

4 weeks is still very early. It will get better. Can you get someone to help out around the house a little? BF is more important than housework, but feeling you're on top now and then is nice too. Make 10 minute lists and try and do focused tasks in short bursts.
Lots of sympathies, eat and drink and keep your strength up. If you were near me i'd come and cook your tea and fold some washing.

My DD was 7 when DD2 came. She could make cups of tea by then!

I slipped the second born a cheeky bottle now and again to buy a bit of time with the big one. Mixing it up worked for us and DS2 was also breast fed for a good year and a half so got a pretty good run of it. Your daughter sounds pretty normal to me but I understand your feelings as my DS1 raged for a while after his brother was born! You sound like a lovely mum.

It does feel hectic in the early days and like you can't get anything else done. It does pass though and like others have already said, it would likely be the same if you were bf.

No, it's not the same as it is with your first where you can completely let everything go and concentrate on the baby. I don't buy into the whole idea that you are ignoring your existing child though. I spent a lot of time reading to DS1 and playing whilst DS2 was feeding. Loads of time out and about too with DS2 in a sling. It was an advantage to just be able to up and go without packing bottles imo.

Sorry, should say 'likely be the same if you "weren't* bf.'

the kari me sling we borrowed from a friend was good, you can feed in it and focus on the big one.

congratulations. you are in the eye of he storm -- baby still taking long to feed, and novelty of new member of family fading.

your daughter (presume at school in day) will have her nose put out of jOint however you feed.

the feeding will get easIer. 3 months in my second was feeding in five minutes, down from 40 minutes.

sleep got easier, from waking every 2 hours to every 4-5.

i use slings inside and out (to he extent of never buying a pram or stroller for either) and she feeds, naps, feeds to sleep either at home, or walking to preschool or out in town. this means i can do housework and cook (i know you're not supposed to!) and dress, play with, read to etc, etc.

i rate stretchy wraps but they outlive their usefulness 4-6 months in. so would recommend an ergo as you can get an infant insert an use from the start. i find it easier to feed in an ergo as the straps ean you can adjust up and down to get the latch, then tighten. sleep hoodnoffers support for hands free feeding. if they are asleep you can delatch and hoik up and tighten. any old met tai would also do. i find with wraps you need to retie if baby sleeps and then they wake up.

co-sleeping (i end up with both in) will help as you can feed half awake lying on your side

i also express on one side feeding baby on the other to stimulate let down. but i don't often it as it's easier to just feed.

i'm not saying i find it easy at all. i have an aching back after carrying a 6 month old (following from 2+ years carrying my first). sleep isn't anywhere near sleeping thru. but it 's livable with. i have help from husband, who also carries them and works part time when mat leave ends to look after them.

but this means i can get through each day intact.

and my first daughter took to the change very well, even self weaning as she said "boob is for my baby now..."

good luck. it got dramatically easier 3 months in.

I completely understand the issues with older children. DD1 is 4 and DD2 is 10 days. DD1 adores her little sister, no problems there but she's getting more and more distant from me and I miss her so much. No matter how hard I try it feels like I'm constantly telling her to stop gaping something, don't lean on the baby, pick that thing up, keep the noise down. It's all negative.

I've spent the last two days in complete meltdown to the point where DH has taken both girls to his mother (I'm ff). It's so hard, much harder than I ever thought it would be to juggle two children.

*stop doing something

I really think main issue is dd, she has has big changes dp and I have been together 3 years so I suppose that's still quite new to her. She is very close to my parents who helped out LOADS in her early years and still now as I was 18 and single mum when I had her. Its a catch 22 at the moment if she goes and stays there its slightly easier at home but I really miss her and feel the distance incrasing but she gets undivided attention and praise and they never tell her off even if she is naughty! Sometimes I feel she wishes she lived with them instead. Me and dp are trying very hard to be a happy family and include her. She also finds it hard when ds cries when she holds him (its so unfortunate bless her) will it be better when he is more independent as in sitting up to play and smiling and responding to her. She is sooo good with babies and younger children. I don't know what else to do to stop her feeling rejected when he sleeps I suggest we play games and read stories and always read her bedtime story and get her ready for school. Thanks again for advice you are all really kind people (smily face) I do this on my phone and can't add smileys

I think it's only been four weeks and her entire world has been turned upside down. You need to be patient with her - and FWIW it sounds like you are doing exactly the right things, so just keep on doing what you're doing. I don't think it's something that gets solved in a few weeks, you need to keep going including her as much as possible. And sometimes you just have to let the baby cry if DD's needs seem greater!

I wouldn't do anymore time than you're doing with the GPs, I think it can seem like it's helpful but could actually make your DD feel like she's being pushed out more.

Honestly, it sounds like you're doing a great job. Try not to worry, it will all work out.

Could DP do more with your DD by the way?

I would like dp and dd to do more and dp does try very hard but she still wants me to do most things with her and can be a little stroppy with him and criticise his efforts (probably need to post in the step family section for advice on that) bloody hell what started as a rant has become family therapy.

MN at its best OP

I was breastfeeding at first and found that I would fall asleep with her as she finished feeding, for some reason she then refused to feed from me so eventually I had to give her formula.

Formula is easier in most ways but as soon as she wakes for a feed, I'm awake for the night. I only sleep because dp and I take turns to stay up with her, the same for showering and anything else that needs to be done.

She has started sleeping through the night (she's three months) in the past week. I couldn't get out of the house every day until she was a couple of months old.

I think that how well a baby sleeps depends very much on the baby and how you sleep depends on how easily you can get back to sleep when you've been woken up.

I don't know whether formula will make things easier for you (baby might be more likely to get colicky?).

Best thing would be if you could hand the baby off for a few hours to nap and have a shower. Lack of sleep is the big problem here, exhaustion is a horrible form of torture, if you can try to sort that out while keeping the breastfeeding, that might be best for both of you.

Would it be possible to involve your dd by allowing her to feed the baby with an expressed bottle, might help them bond with each other?

It will get easier, but if you feel you have to stop don't feel bad about it.

I couldn't put my DD down for the first 3 months. A Moby wrap was a life saver. I built up the wear time in 10 min increments and by the end of the week she was so peaceful in it. Now she's 8mo she's too big for the stretchy material, but still loves being carried on the chest in an ergo. My friend with 2, swore by her babasling and just re-sold it for a good price on eBay.

Good on you OP to be continuing even with another child. I only have one 15 week old but I can totally imagine where you are coming from.

I thought I would be able to bf the baby then get on and do my chores etc, how deluded was I!!??

The slings are good for chores. I have this one:-

www.storchenwiege.com/detailssizinginfo.htm

I can do the ironing whilst she is asleep in it and I can see how you would be able to do some crafty type activities with DD (as someone else mentioned) or go for a walk with her and DS in the sling. I cannot do vaccuming though as I worry about her head bobbing around too much.

Can you do what I do in terms of the housework - when DH gets home he looks after baby whilst I do a quick whizz around and I always make sure the house looks reasonable for the morning whilst DH is doing bathtime (ie stuff put in dishwasher etc).

Also do you think your DM is really telling the truth about bf her children and them sleeping through? Is she wearing rose tinted glasses because I find it hard to believe.

Och, you know, one person's sleeping through is another person's 4.5 hrs stretch

Take no notice of your mates and family, blabbling on about sleeping through*

also, a really important point I think - ''demand feeding'' seems so little-emperorish; turn it round - you are feeding responsively, to your baby's cues. Much nicer thought, yes?

*DS2 slept through from 10 weeks, about 10-4 then extending backwards and forwards to eventually land on 7 -7. BF too. So you might get lucky.

I agree that baby's sleep is not due to BF or FF - just the luck of the draw

Good luck, and congratulations