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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to want to baby sit someone else's child in a cafe?

73 replies

Molehillmountain · 21/01/2012 15:29

Was having my only hour in the week just with dd1 and treated her to a drink and cake in a nice cafe. We'd done some drawing, and we're playing eye spy. Some child we dont know comes over and we chat a bit, then start looking round for parents. They are in a group, chatting. See me wave then carry on. He starts using our drawing stuff. I'm really sorry, but I then focussed on dd1 and pretty much ignored him. Mum came over eventually, said nothing except, ooh have you been drawing, put the crayons away, but gave me a filthy look. Aibu to think that I don't have to look after her child beyond a few mins and that I wasnt horrible?

OP posts:

Original poster

Molehillmountain · 21/01/2012 19:12

Also, it is kind of your choice in a cafe if you keep yourself to yourself or chat-it's not like being at a party where it would be really strange to sit in a corner and drink. But am now, if not before, over thinking!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 21/01/2012 19:21

well, you know, it was just a little boy

he doesn't know the "rules" yet (thankfully)

ProPerformer · 21/01/2012 21:29

TBH I think a bit of both. If you did ignore the child then that's a bit U, but YANBU to be a bit peeved at the mother.

My DS often likes to wander over and sit/play with random people in a cafe or on the train and I encourage it to an extent as I love that he's so sociable. however I ALWAYS go over to the person(s) and check it's ok and appologise if DS 'butts in' on anyone. I love it when it happens the other way round too and kids come up to us, but I do expect their parent/gardian to check with me and/or help keep an eye on their own DC as well!

We had a lovely experience of this in our local pub last sunday when we went there for dinner: There was another family on the table next to us who had a DS of a similar age who was playing with his cars on the floor near their table. Our DS then decided to get his car out of my bag and went over to join in. Both me and the other mum seemed to simultaneously look at each other to check it was ok and then both boys spent about 1/2 hour playing really well together while we all kept watch. Was great.

So yeah maybe a tad U to ignore the poor kid, but IMHO not at all U to expect at least some support from the mother.

FlightRisk · 21/01/2012 21:32

YANBU at all. I don't like other peoples children so why would I want them to come over and bug me and my child while we were having quality time?!

FlightRisk · 21/01/2012 21:35

To be fair if I see small children then I do smile and often stick my tongue out at them and the always smile at that but no I still wouldn't want them to come over to my table and intrude on my time and personal space. If an adult did it you'd be a bit worried they were of the odd sort so why not teach children not to go and talk to strangers

Cherriesarelovely · 21/01/2012 21:36

I don't think YABU. I think the other mum was. If she had checked with you first insread of ignoring her own child then fair enough. No.I wouldn't ignore a child but if it went on for ags without the other parent coming over I would feel annoyed.

CurlyBoy · 21/01/2012 21:36

ViolaCrayola - Sorry, but it's not my problem. I'm sure I'll have to change my attitude as my child gets older and starts to interact with other children. I'm just being completely honest here.. My child is my priority and I'm just not interested in other children. I'm pretty antisocial generally and rarely engage strange adults and see no reason why I should with strange kids. Yeah, I may be a freak but that's the way I am.

everlong · 21/01/2012 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cherriesarelovely · 21/01/2012 21:38

Excuse the spelling, this phone is so annoying!

RitaMorgan · 21/01/2012 21:41

Sounds like you were a bit rude/mean to him.

You could have either included him, or just (politely) sent him back to his mother.

shootfromthehip · 21/01/2012 21:52

Just to chuck my tuppence worth in but I don't think YABU. I barely like my own children, never mind other people's. I recently had a birthday party for my son at a soft play restaurant (no, I never thought I'd be that woman either) where we acquired an extra guest. This wee boy had decided that our food looked good and helped himself. I stopped him initially and sent him away several times (he was only 18mths ish), apologetically returning him to his mum. She then sat and watched him return to us several times trying to eat the kids' buffet. I got rather narked in the end.

I was polite about it but eventually got really irritated and give him a chocolate biscuit (which I would never normally do without checking), just so he would go away. Some parents are just not interested in entertaining their own kids and I find it really rude.

bobbledunk · 22/01/2012 00:43

yanbu, you are entitled to spend time with your child in public without having to entertain other people's kids.

The mother was rude to assume that you have nothing better to do than play with her child.

CazFev · 22/01/2012 00:59

I had an experience at a play group last week where a little boy came over and was playing nicely with my little girl and the little girl I look after, but then became a bit boisterous and the girls needed snacks,were crying for milk... it all got a but fraught and I needed his mum to notice and come get him. She was chatting however and had not noticed. I also did not know her name so could not call!

I don't agree that you should ignore a child, but I do think that some mums, in the groups I have been to anyway, see playgroups as an opportunity for someone else to take the reins with their child. Ok most of the time, but sometimes it puts me in a tricky situation when I feel like I can't do anything but look after the child as mum is not paying attention.

thepeoplesprincess · 22/01/2012 01:03

YANBU. I would've done similar, tho I am a miserable cunt.

What's even more annoying than your situation tho is when you're out in the park/library yadda yadda and have successfully persuaded your own kids to piss off and let you read in peace, and then some other snotrag comes along and starts wittering at you.

Gets right up my nose.

Gooshka · 22/01/2012 14:57

Thepeoplesprincess - you just made me (and my DH who i read it out to) laugh out loud Nice to see some YANBU responses coming through as we are not all kid lovers and, whilst I love my own four, I certainly don't relish sharing my time with other people's ... just because I don't! Besides, we should be teaching our children how society 'works' (whether we like the fact that we live in a miserable, selfish society or not the fact is we do) - as adults, you wouldn't join another table and start eating their dinner/using their things without being invited to so why would you allow your child to do the same or feel put out that someone doesn't want your child at their table? Some people are child magnets and have all the time and patience in the world for them but some of us simply aren't and we shouldn't have to feel bad about that. Life is indeed too short - too short to be doing things that we don't want to do!! Why should the OP stay at home if she doesn't wish to 'socialise'? What a ridiculous thing to say - she has every right to be out with her child without the risk of entertaining another. On the contrary, the woman whose child it was should have paid a babysitter if she wanted quality adult time without having to supervise her child. Or at least have the god damn decency to ASK the OP if she minded FFS!!

Shenanagins · 22/01/2012 19:15

Yanbu i think the other mother was rude assuming that it was ok to leave her kid to be entertained by a complete stranger, she should have checked it was ok.

Before i had my wee one i was at my nephews birthday party when he was a toddler in a soft play place. i sat down to play with him and the other mothers, who i didn't even know took this as a cue to dump their children all around me. i just sat quietly playing with my nephew whilst their kids went on the rampage trying to escape. i just left them to it and the mothers were very quickly over! Although i would have done something if they were in any real danger as I'm not that heartless.

SecretMinceRinser · 22/01/2012 20:00

Re-reading I think the mum should have asked if you minded her son using your dd's crayons/paper - that was rude and some kids would have a fit if an unknown child started using their stuff thinking they wouldn't get it back. I had assumed the drawing stuff belonged to the cafe. BUT I still don't think a child should be ushered away for merely talking to someone. I think an adult should be capable of politely handling that themselves As people have been saying what if an adult did it I think you would have to have some front to just ignore an adult who struck up a conversation with you whether you were in the mood fro chit chat or not.
I also think some people are mistaking a parent not constantly hovering over their child as them expecting others to babysit them when they likely expect no such thing. Like the example in the pp. I often sit with ds in the baby bit of our local soft play. When other parents put their toddlers in there it wouldn't occur to me for a second to think that they are expecting me to watch/entertain then. Just that they are putting their kids down somewhere safe so they can go and get a coffee and keep an eye on them from a table. Maybe while they even chat to some friends.

everlong · 22/01/2012 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TunipTheVegemal · 22/01/2012 20:31

Molehill, re your 17.43 post yesterday - never mind whether you were BU or not, I think you are brilliant, being able to take on board all the posts and rethink like that is very hard and I am very impressed at how you did it. I probably couldn't be as grown-up about it as you.

happydotcom · 22/01/2012 20:35

A little boy came over to chat.................that's really sweet. He didn't do any harm ffs

helpyourself · 23/01/2012 09:35

OP you posted when the irritaion was stilll fresh but your later post sounds like you can see it was no biggie. Don't feel bad, just enjoy your DDs.

Good luck.

BendyBob · 23/01/2012 09:50

Yanbu. I don't mind it of a child comes over and says hello for a couple of minutes but if I'm in a restaurant with friends/family, but tbh sorry I don't really want to entertain random children for any length of time.

Getting down and playing in a designated play area is ok, but I never allowed my dc wander around bothering other people at their tables when they were younger; it's annoying.

MeltedChocolate · 23/01/2012 10:06

I think the mother was unreasonable. I would never leave DS to do his own thing with someone else without at least coming over and asking if it was Ok for him to play with the parent's child, and thanking gratefully if they didn't mind. I would then sit with parents and child and help out!!

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