to have no energy left at all?

[titihood]

I just don't know how to keep on doing this without losing my mind. In fact, some days I think I already have. DS is 10 months old and amazing. I love so very much, but this has been the hardest and best 10 months of my life.
We live in Canada, far away from both mine (from UK) and DP's (from USA) families, so don't have their support other than virtually or some visits. DP works his arse off but when he's home doesn't do much. DS sleeps very lightly and we have had a lot of sleep issues over the last 3 months.
Childcare here is cheap if you can get it, but it is basically impossible to find a good and affordable daycare, many only take children from 18 months old. There is even a waiting list for the drop-in daycare.
DS has decided that most days he doesn't want to eat food, whether that be puree or finger food or anything other than crackers, toast, or milk (I am still BFing). He throws food on the floor whenever I offer it to him/put it on the highchair table.
I know this is normal, I know it is normal to be tired and often feel at your wits end, but I am really worried I am starting to lose my mind. I have no patience left anymore and hardly enough energy to bother doing anything. The house is a mess, the pets are driving me up the wall, DS only naps for 20 minutes at a time and I don't know what to do anymore. It is so cold outside (-20 for the 4th day running) and covered in ice so I cannot take him out in the pushchair easily which means trying to get him into the carrier over my winter coat as he bucks around.
I am not sure what I am expecting in posting this, I think I just want someone to tell me that it gets better and that some days you can't be perfect and that I am not the worst person on earth. Right now all I want is an hour to myself or alternatively a fail-safe solution for him to nap. Or something to take to not feel like an ogre. Am really starting to hate myself.

It will get better, you sound depressed. Just give him stuff he will eat for definate even if its breakfast for dinner.

Take him to the doctor to get him checked for food allergies if you can.

YANBU. It's so hard. I often feel like you do - DD is 17 months and a dreadful eater, sleeps through about 50% of the time. You need more support from your DP - why isn't he helping more at home? How much time does he get off? Is he mobile yet? DD's sleep improved massively when she walked and started burning off loads of energy. Don't stress about teh eating 10 months is very young. No reason on earth to suspect food allergies - not sure why this has been suggested.

It is tiring and hard work and it doesn't sound like you have any support. Are there any groups you can go to locally?

Also, it might be worth seeing your doctor as there could be a medical cause. I felt incredibly lethargic and overwhelmed when my DS1 was 5 months and it turned out I had an underactive thyroid.

This post makes me want to cry for you. I know it's SO HARD living away from family with no support. The utter slog is unbelievable and there is no break for you at all, no dropping the baby at mum's or sister's so that you can have 5 minutes to catch your breath. I have neither sets of parents here with me, have had occasional visits, my baby is always with me. My DD is now 8 months old and yes, I am now going slightly mad from being around the messy house all day, getting vommited on, baby needing constant entertainment, washing pile that just seems to get bigger and bigger. It sounds to me like you desperately need a break. Sometimes the DHs don't realise what you need them to do, and you probably need to sit down and have a little chat. What really helped me at a stressful time was we decided that DH would do night feeding on a Friday night so I could sleep through the night. I put the earplugs in (hard as it is to let go at first) and got a few valuable hours sleep. Don't know if you are able to express? The thought of Friday night's sleep kept me going all week and I was like a different person on Saturday - able to enjoy the baby.
Weaning is messy, my DD regularly splatters food everywhere leaving everything a mess. The other day she managed to get the clean washing with her food over it so back in the machine it went! She howled about chicken, I persisted for weeks to get her to take it down, she still fusses about it now sometimes. Are you able to speak to any nutritionists/read any books about what to do? Do you think he's waking because he's hungry?
One thing my mum taught me was to make definite mealtimes so that she is not feeding all the time, which helped. (However this was easier for me because I stopped bf at 6 months) We did go through about 3 and a half weeks of absolute howling - this is not for everyone though but it made all of our lives easier in the long run.
I also found that getting out of the house was important. Are you able to get out to any mums groups? If there aren't any, why not start one over local mums websites. I did this and it was so nice to have other mums around who were in the same boat.
Anyway, all I'm saying is hang in there!

I really understand what you are going through. I am in a same position that I have no family where I live. Both sets of parents, sisters etc live in different countries and we are in the UK. My DH works nights (mostly) so I am completely on my own with my dd (12m)...I have not had help for any of it and she is avery bad sleeper at the moment as well. Wakes up at least 5 times a night.
It is so so tiring and you seems to lose yourself with it all...just drown under the 'stuff'. And being stuck in the house doesn't help!
What I found really helpful was sleeping with dd at naptimes...I would just take her next to me and occasionally she would sleep more than her usual 30 mins and I got bit of downtime too. When your baby sleeps you should rest, don't do the housework, rest.
Eating and weaning is messy and frustrating, my DD went through a phase of not eating after eating really well for 2 months. I just basically started from the beginning and gave her milk with every meal to make sure she had some calories in her. It will all get better, I also keep repating to this myself.
Talk to you DH, let him know how you feel, see if you can get him to give you some sleep over the weekends (night or day) and try and find a group or someone you can see regularly. It's easier to get through the days if you have something to look forward too. For me it can be as simple as a bath at the end of the day.
I sympathise and understand...you are not alone with these feelings, I think it is a part of this lovely blessing of motherhood.
I will also be sending you very un-MN (((((hugs))))

hey
im sorry you are feeling this way and everything is getting on top of you - anyone would be completely shattered dealing with all that with no support at all and you sound like a great mum - you just never know what break through is around the corner - i really hope things get easier soon. im sorry i don't have any more advice as my baby is only 4 months but just to let you know im thinking of you and sympathise for your situation! i hope your dp realises you need some more support.

It gets worse imagine you have a toddler too, and then yr DH goes away for a week, and then all 3 of you get sick! Arrrgh would love to have a day with just a 10 month old...
I do have family that can come up though, and I really feel for you not having that. Have you met other mummies? Are there groups n stuff?
As for 'baby brain' I heard a theory the other day that this onset of spaced-out-ness is actually to prevent you going mad with boredom... Hmmm...

I really feel for you OP sleep deprevation is awful....Torture in fact. You need to speak with DH, otherwise you will start resenting him.

It will get better I promise. I had/have a somewhat similar situation. DD is 2 next week and DS is 6 mths. My family live in another country and my IL's are worse than useless - not involved through their own choice but then give us shit for it. It was very very hard with DD but I got though it by finding a very supportive mums group with attached creche so I had a couple of hours a week where I could bitch/moan/cry/sleep and always eat chocolate! You will get through it too.

Get rid of the pets and if he will eat toast, crackers and milk, feed him toast, crackers and milk. I can't imagine how stir crazy you must get cooped up in that sort of weather and cold. And nobody cares about the housework - really! as long as the bathroom and kitchen are done enough that you aren't catching stuff, let it go.
At his age he is able to be amused by the same things over and over, let him play with the pans and wooden spoons or get in the bath together with some toys/beakers and have a nice long splash about. As soon as he does nap, even if it's only half an hour, have a lie down yourself and rest. Don't start thinking that the instant he naps you have to "do stuff" - just catch up on your own rest. It DOES get easier, I promise.

Thank you all so much for your wonderfully supportive messages and suggestions, it means a lot and has definitely made me feel less alone. Luckily I do have a few (but good) Mum friends I met through pre-natal aquafit classes. Our children are around the same age and we try to meet up every week. However, I always feel a bit like the moaner with all but one of them - the other two have always been very positive and brimming with Mum wonderment/great sleep/eating stories etc. which is nice but then I feel a bit like the negative wheel!
I must say that it is not bad all the time, just some hours of some days (or some days of some weeks) I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Have spoken to DP multiple times - he always says he's going to do something about it to help me out more but doesn't. We have hired a cleaner (I was at first bizarrely against this) who starts twice a month next week. I think that will help a lot as will be one less thing I have to think about. The crazy thing is that in Quebec parental leave is excellent - I get a year off, paid at a % of my income, and my DP can take 5 weeks (paid at %) in addition to the 2 weeks his job gives him. He has not taken the 5 weeks, not even 1 week of it, even though I keep asking him. However, I am hoping that he's finally realised I need him to for my sanity and our relationship.

There are not many Mum's groups that I have found, though there are some activities that can be done - the only issue here is that I don't drive so am reliant on walking (sometimes not possible these days with the weather) or public transit. Am going to start a weekly baby stimulation thing next week so hopefully that will go well.

It is really useful to know I am not alone in feeling so overwhelmed and almost frantic in needing time to myself/to clean/to find time to eat (still!)/getting fixated on DS's non-eating some days and eating others, non-napping some days etc. I rationally know it will pass but am on a horrible emotional rollercoaster where I often feel like I am about to fall out of my seat.

newmum I cannot tell if he is waking because he is hungry or because of his teeth (seems to be nearly constantly teething), or because for whatever reason he is unable to go into deep sleep in the day. I guess the eating could be his teeth too...I think I just read too many books that say different things about eating and I get caught up in worrying he isn't gaining weight/isn't feeding himself much/isn't eating enough/enough of the right food groups blahblahblah. Overactive mind, me?!
I like your earplug idea. DS does not accept bottle (another annoyance that I blame on DP but should share this somewhat as I never forced him to bottlefeed the milk I expressed early on) and luckily now night feedings have stopped. Is more when he wakes up, DP is the one wearing the earplugs so doesn't hear him but I do and I have to decide whether to go to DS or see if he will quiet down, or to wake DP to do it, or to lie there fuming that DP has the earplugs while I am overthinking everything again. Whatshappened I think that resent has been simmering for a while...

PomBear - would miss the pets more than be happy with not having their pesky furry bodies around, also DS LOVES them - they always make him laugh. Just wish the cat was a better babysitter ;)

It is really hard being away from parents, I am sorry to hear that others of you are experiencing similar difficulties. I never knew motherhood could be so hard - thank you again for your kind words, sharing your stories, and your support. I am hoping tomorrow will be a lot better.

Your DH needs to sort out his work so that he can spend some time at home with you - even a week of taking control at home would mean you can get some much needed sleep.

What's the issue with driving? Make that a priority - I found popping a fed, cuddled and nappy-changed baby into a car to be a life saver sometimes. It'll give you a chance to get out of the home environment (which can be suffocating) without freezing to death waiting for public transport.

I'd also second the idea of getting your thyroid checked. It's not unusual for thyroids to dip with new Mum's. Could in part explain your chronic tiredness.

Good idea about getting a thyroid check.

Your main problem is that your husband isn't pulling his weight.

Unless he is so tired that he thinks he's about to have a nervous breakdown, then he should be making sure you get breaks from the relentlessness of it all.

It's shameful that he is leaving you to struggle like this. What can his excuse for that possibly be?

He's letting you both down badly. And you should tell him that.

and get your blood levels checked - maybe you're anaemic. I had no energy at all and initially thought it must be what motherhood is like. Found it really dis-spiriting as I had always been adventurous and full of beans. I remember thinking "if anybody would say you can do whatever you want tomorrow, distance, money etc no object, what would you want to do - go to the theatre, see a film, see an exhibition, go mountain walking, go skiiing?" and my answer would have been: "I don't want to do anything - all I want is to have a day in bed and sleep".
When I was put on iron tablets it felt like a fog was lifting off me and I really felt like getting a new lease of life.
Good luck!

hey. that happens to me often when hubby is at work - he waits till im about to crack and i say i am about to go insane if i do not get ten minutes to myself and he sees my face and realises and then says ok ill take her u go get some space. it shudn't be like this. is there a system you can come up with that he could take the baby to even go to someone for dinner one night a week? we have agreed my dh to take baby to his mum for dinner one night to give me breathing space. that way you don't have to cook, he gets to eat and socialise at same time, you get your space.
if its hard for you to get out, could you invite one of your friends (who won't mind a messy house and you won't feel under any pressure) to come round for coffee one morning? sometimes a bit more company and someone to bounce things off really helps. i don't drive either so sometimes i invite friends round or if i can't handle that ill walk to theirs or we will meet in a coffee shop. it is stressful getting out when you have little energy, but often i find when you make the effort its always worth it and sometimes it takes more out of you staying home with the baby!
when you are at home, and its a rough day and there is not much to be done about it, get some motivational/ inspirational playlists on, it really helps to play them loud. i find certain music can really lift and help change your perspective on a hard day. and just take one minute at a time...
im going to try and take my advice and the other advice here on this thread too now!! thinking of you.

OP your response about your 'D'P has me cross on your behalf. How dare he wear ear plugs? Does he do this when he is not working the next day even? What a selfish man. You need to sort this pronto. Don't ask him for help, tell him what he is going to do to help you! He is treating you very disrespectfully indeed. What will happen when you go back to work?

i have felt like this too lots of times, the last time (last month) my baby was 10months old.

now things are totally different because:
he's suddenly decided he loves bottles (i kept offering v.small amounts and leaving the beaker/bottle with him sitting on the floor with toys, eventually curiosity got the better of him!),
i've started going out to excercise more (i insisted dh gives me some time to myself before i lost the plot)
and dh had 2 weeks off work - that was the biggest turning point, i feel totally recharged and a completely different person.

write a plan to put things in perspective. your main issues seem to be food/milk, sleep and time to yourself. there are lots of things you can do to help with all those issues, and my baby is suddenly eating/drinking much better now he's nearly 12months and eating more of what we're eating.

When I was put on iron tablets it felt like a fog was lifting off me and I really felt like getting a new lease of life.
Good luck!

Same here, forgot to mention anaemia. Get yourself to the Docs!

It's totally unfair that your DP's life has basically continued to be almost the same while yours is a crushing grind. He is a parent too, and like it or not his life has to change. It doesn't matter how many hours he works, once he's in the house he's equally responsible for his son. If he starts doing his fair share then life will get a lot easier for you.

What does your DP do at the weekend? Does he look after DS while you head out for a few hours?

Are there other reasons why your DP won't take the baby for a while? Perhaps he has lost his confidence in dealing with the baby? This happened when my DH went back to work. He lost the confidence to be comfortable with the baby and was always very alarmed when she cried because he wasn't around her all the time. I have found that him doing my 11pm feed has actually brought them closer together. Now he wants to feed her more and is far more involved.
jan2011: good point about getting out. I find my baby is less fussy when she is out and about as there is so much to look at.

We had a rough weekend (big shouting match) after DP promised to take DS to shops for 2 hours on Sat but never did. Sunday he took him in the morning so I got a lie-in (first time in months!) then took him out for an hour later that day. Felt so much more human after that.
DP has very demanding job so I can understand that he too is tired. I don't expect much help from him on weekdays but the weekend is another matter. We've agreed to swap earplug nights, and he has said that he will take DS out on the weekend for a few hours so I get some time alone at home.
naturalbaby I started giving DS sippy cup but without the spill-proof bit, and he seems to be getting the idea now. Next step is with some milk...
Also had a big daycare break-through, have found one where he can integrate slowly and seems like a nice place, other than nap schedule, but DS will get used to it eventually. Knowing he will be able to start there a morning a week is a huge help to me, though bizarrely I know I will miss him like crazy and feel sad that this is the beginning of me not being his main care-giver in the week. (funny isn't it, as i want a break from it but the thought of only seeing him in the evenings and weekends in 8 months time is really tough).

Thanks again for your messages & suggestions, have blood tests scheduled for next week so will see what the results are.

Another thing to remember is that the weather you are experiencing will tire you out no end. I am in Indiana , its freezing , its dry ,and it will totally sap you!
So, coupled with the fact that you are stuck in (with a little one) is enough to send anyone over the edge!

Its very hard without family to give support, and nothing to break the day.

Lots of good luck :)

Brutal, I had all three babies on the move, new country every 18mts. Worst thing about it is isolation, the one time you really want to share with your family these lovely little things and all the things you are doing but nobody is around Mums groups can be a double edged sword aswell as you have to deal with cultural differences and that can make you feel even more isolated and alone.
Take the pressure of. Stop reading about feeding and teething and all that bollicks. Pay someone to come in and clean for a few hours -really find the money somewhere. Even three hours can make a huge difference. It gets easier but it takes a little time to find your feet. You are wise to reach out. DP has to take baby out every weekend for at least 4 hours and bring home takeaway!! and you in that time have to have a lovely bath, put on a face mask and fiddle with your feet. It will make a huge difference.
Good luck, it is not you, the situation is hard.