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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with what the t.a at school said to me

71 replies

liveinazoo · 20/01/2012 17:07

when i picked up my ds from school today the teaching assistant shouted me over in front of all the other parents and demanded to know why i hadnt handed in the money for my ds to watch a pantomime in school(the letter we had stated it was a request would youi like your child to see a child friendly pantomime performed in school by a theatre group.voluntary contribution of £4)
i replied he didnt want to see it and she responded in a very loud voice most of the other kids in his class were attending and why wasnt i let him go.i repeated he doesnt want to and as such im not paying for it.she snapped at me i shall have to speak to the head about this.i replied you do that and walked away.AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:

cansu · 20/01/2012 17:49

She probably handled it v badly. However, if I wasn't going to pay because of the reasons you describe, I would have returned the slip with a note saying that my dc wouldn't enjoy it and could he do something else while class watched pantomime or I would have phoned or spoken to teacher about concerns. I think it's a real PITA to be trying to chase money for stuff like this when it's hard to guess the reason why parent hasn't paid. In the end schools won't bother doing extra fun stuff for children if it becomes too much hassle. Generally speaking if parent can't afford it, just a note to say X would like to take part but we cannot really afford to pay £4.00 for this is fine. Then child or parent won't be asked about it. I think it's the lack of communication which is really frustrating from school's point of view.

Hulababy · 20/01/2012 17:51

She should not have spoken to you in this way and especially in front of other parents. She should have asked to speak to you in quiet somewhere.

Have you determined what your child will do when the others are watching the panto?

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2012 17:52

No parent should have to write in to say they won't be paying a 'voluntary' contribution.

However a reply to say that DC aren't attending is good.

But there should have been a slip on the bottom of the letter with all that anyway.

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2012 17:52

And it's up to the school to arrange alternative activities to a non-compulsory activity.

youarekidding · 20/01/2012 17:54

YANBU, to allow DS to make a choice over something voluntary and to make a choice yourself not to make a voluntary contribution.

YANBU to be annoyed at how the TA spoke to you.

However, another here with a DS who hated cinema, films, panto's because of anxiety and by persuading him to join it at school he now is so much better and actually enjoys these events and comes home telling me all about them. The first 2 or 3 I just asked the school sit him by them and let him leave if needs be, then keep an eye out for him and then he just started to be fine.

CupOfBrownJoy · 20/01/2012 17:57

I'm not sure that it is, Nanny0gg - RE isn't compulsory but there's no requirement for the school to arrange anything else for children whose parents opt out.

If there was a whole group not going then that might make it easier, but why should a member of staff have to sit out with the one child who doesn't want to watch the panto?

Hulababy · 20/01/2012 17:58

In my experience the reply slip does usually have a reply slip that asks permission for the child to go, and the request for the voluntary contribution. But if you don't want your child to take place it is cursory to let the school know so that they can plan for that. IME it is very unusual for children not to be taking part, so the school may not have plans set up as yet and will only do so if they know numbers. It is very common to chase up the reply slips. However I wouldn't mention the money at that point, just the permission slip. We generally need these in regardless.

GypsyMoth · 20/01/2012 18:01

Why oh why do children need to see a feckin panto 3 weeks into term?? We have just had Xmas!

Is it part of the Curriculum? It's ridiculous

Feenie · 20/01/2012 18:07

Lots of key stage 1 classes will be doing traditional stories this half term, so it would fit in very well.

I don't understand why you think it's ridiculous, Olympia - most of our parents are delighted when our children go out to a theatre visit and appreciate the efforts that go into organising it.

Hulababy · 20/01/2012 22:30

Traditional Tales is a Y1 topic so it does fit well.
Plus it us generally a very nice way of doing story telling anyway when done in school.

minimisschief · 21/01/2012 01:16

I'm a little concerned how many teachers cannot grasp basic vocabulary. Everyone of you who get hassled about voluntary funds should staple a dictionary definition to their classroom doors.

IndigoBell · 21/01/2012 06:40

OP I know what you mean about school expecting you o be delighted, and to pay for, some 'treat' you don't want your child o do. Irks me no end.

Last time I returned the slip saying DS wouldn't be going they hounded us until we gave permission. Now he's bought home another permission slip for something I don't want him to do, and I feel I have no choice but to give permission for him to go somewhere, and do something, that's would never let him do on the weekend.

Dustinthewind · 21/01/2012 06:47

We ask for voluntary contributions, and if we don't get enough then we cancel and explain why. Much huffing and snorting in the playground then too.
We do give at least a half term's warning, accept payment in installments and are sensitive towards the needs of specific children who may not be able to cope with certain things. A creative and interesting curriculum sometimes needs input other than an IWB and a few books.
There are a lot of theatre companies out there who specialise in performances linked to NC requirements and topics in school that are worth having in. Usually cheaper than a coach too.

IndigoBell · 21/01/2012 07:02

But if the trip or play is noisy and crowded, and the child is sensitive to noise and hates crowds, how can you be 'sensitive' to the child?

The child is forced to do something they hate. But because it's at school they don't complain.

Now I know teaching is an impossible job, and there's no way you can get everything right for 30 kids. But I still don't want my kid dragged off to a noisy environment.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 21/01/2012 07:09

Could it be that the TA will have to stay behind with your DS while everyone else gets to go see the pantomime, and she's feeling a bit left out?

YANBU, I'd have been fuming.

JustHecate · 21/01/2012 07:12

She should not have spoken to you like that. She was wrong to do so and it would not be unreasonable of you to speak to the head about it.

However, you should have communicated your intention. You had the slip, it would have been the easiest thing in the world to tell someone that you hadn't forgotten to return it (which would be their natural assumption) but that you had chosen to not return it because...

The fact that you didn't doesn't mean she had any right to speak to you the way she did, but it could all have been avoided in the first place.

Dustinthewind · 21/01/2012 07:12

I had one child that wears headphones because it dampens the sounds in class enough for him to cope.
Give them a seat near the wall and an exit, with a person they are comfortable with. Let them watch from a different location. Go through the story in advance with them, act it out for and with them in a small group, talk or email the acting group warning them of certain issues that they need to take into account. Let the child meet the actors when they are setting up so that they have a chance to see what is true and what is costume and mask.Let the child watch part of it if that's how much they can manage. Let them have breaks within the performance.
Above all, talk to the child and the parent to see what they want to happen and how much they want to participate, and if they don't, then respect that choice.
Too many schools either include everyone regardless of circumstances, or exclude children with additional needs because thinking of ways that might enable access is too much like hard work.

WorkingClassMum · 21/01/2012 07:14

I do agree that you probably should have communicated to the school that your DC wasn't going - a curtesy that makes organizing an event easier for all involved

YANBU to be annoyed at the TA and a quick conversation with her pointing out that your DS isn't going and that you are sorry you didn't tell them sooner BUT yelling at you isn't polite, isn't a good example for the students and you don't appreciate being spoken yo like that and about finance in front of a crowded classroom thankyou very much. Don't take it to the HM unless they come to you. Don't make it a huge thing. If there's a repeated occasion, then certainly take it further. She may well have been having a bad day, which we all do
sometimes.

YANBU to not send your son either considering how he feels about these types of events, - are you trying to encourage him to do this type of thing as he probably cannot avoid events his whole life.

Good luck.

bobbledunk · 21/01/2012 07:21

Make a complaint to the headteacher about her, be clear that you were very pissed off to be put in that situation in front of the other parents.

I'd also tell her (preferably in front of others) that you have made a complaint about her rudeness and unprofessionalism, that you won't tolerate it and not to bother speaking to you in future unless she has her manners on.

If she ever behaves so obnoxiously again just look her straight in the eye and firmly say "that's very rude of you", "are you always this rude?" or simply "fuck off".

seeker · 21/01/2012 07:53

She shouldn't have been rude. I am amazed that a TA would behave like this-there seems to be a special "how to be obnoxious" course specially for the teachers and TAs of mumsnet's children!

But I am also amazed at how outraged parents get at schools organising trips and treats for their children. Teachers orgqnizing a trip to the theatre for 30 over excited 8 year olds for their own selfish pleasure? How very dare they? If teachers want to go to the pantomime they should do it in their own time! And then expecting parents to pay for said treat or trip? How very double dare they?
IndigoBell- what on earth was the trip you wouldn't let your child do at the weekend, bungiejumping?

Proudnscary · 21/01/2012 08:07

What Seeker said.

Also OP I get the feeling there is a lot more to this - why on God's earth would the TA refer this to the headteacher? Either that's a slight exaggeration...or there is history here...

ENormaSnob · 21/01/2012 08:13

Yanbu

She was rude and unprofessional.

I would speak to the ht.

Feenie · 21/01/2012 10:29

I'm a little concerned how many teachers cannot grasp basic vocabulary.

I'm a little concerned that you've failed to notice this is a teaching assisstant and have chosen to make a dig at teachers instead.

gallifrey · 21/01/2012 10:43

I just love the way they call it a voluntary contribution, when it's bloody obvious that there's nothing voluntary about it! If you don't pay then your child doesn't go!

tethersend · 21/01/2012 10:48

If a trip/activity goes ahead, a child whose parents have chosen not to pay the voluntary contribution must not be excluded from it.

I'd let the TA take it to the head, I'm sure the head will be thrilled to discuss it, what with having loads of time to fritter away and all

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