To say its both or nothing

[missmalteser]

So, bit of background, I have dd1 from a previous relationship, and dh and I have dd2 together, dh has been in dd1's life for over half of it and his family treat her like any other member, they spend as much time and give as much affection to her as they do to dd2, all except his father & his partner, who i've always felt treat dd1 as a bit of an afterthought, eg forgetting to buy her pressies from hol & awkwardly telling dd2 to share hers, never asking after her special occasions or spending any time with her apart from when they visit us at home, all this I just grit my teeth & get on with as I just think they have no idea what they are missing out on & dd1's relationship with the rest of the family is wonderful.

Dh & his dad dont have that close a relationship, its birthdays/xmas, once or twice in the holidays etc so dd1 has never really cottoned on to the fact they have no interest in her.

Wed was dd1's birthday, so as not to dripfeed efforts are always made by ALL of dh's family on birthdays- usually cards/visit/pressies (no matter how small) & Fil is always included in this, he also splashes out a lot of money on dd2's birthday, now this really isnt about the present, but aibu to be so annoyed that dd1 got a card, that turned up a day late, no message, no present with no mention of any to follow, and while speaking to me that day didnt even ask about how her day had been.

Now in all fairness dd1 hasnt noticed any of this but I am really hurt tbh, and am wondering how I can let them spoil dd2 so much on her birthday and make such a fuss while barely acknowledging dd1, and have told dh from now on if they dont make the effort with both of the dd's then no effort is to be made for any of the family, including me/dh & dd2, or am I expecting too much of them considering dd1 is biologically of no connection?

Sorry for the essay!

It would be nice if your FIL were to make the effort, but he may feel that your eldest child has her own grandparents, especially if he is not close to your family, and not want to overstep the mark.

Do your eldest childs grandparents (on her fathers side) treat your children equally?

Perhaps as the grow older, your children will understand that they do have distinct families, as well as the one that they share, and it will become easier.

Does your daughter have contact with her biological father and his parents/family?

I think yes and no. Obviously your FIL doesn't really see your dd1 as part of his family, and that's a great shame and must be difficult for you all. But since he rarely sees any of you there's nothing to base a relationship on really. Your dd will eventually notice that he doesn't give her the same attention as dd2 but since you don't see much of him it probably won't have a big impact on her, and it's relatively easy to explain why. Does your dd1 have any relationship with her bio father and his family?

So I think the birthday present thing is more or less reasonable from them, although if they're sending her a card they should make it turn up on time. But turning up from holiday with a present for dd2 and not dd1 is rude and horrible, and your dh should tell them it has to stop.

and have told dh from now on if they dont make the effort with both of the dd's then no effort is to be made for any of the family, including me/dh & dd2

That sort of ultimatum is wholly unfair. She isnt his granddaughter.

Dd2 is treated very affectionately by dd1's family, Xmas and bday present etc but of course dd2 is not part of there family, whereas dd1 is very much part of ours, She is there at all celebrations/ family occasions and gifts are wrapped from both of them, I can understand not wanting to overstep the mark, but is a phone call or small present overstepping the mark? And dd1 is as much "not blood" as I so should I also be treated as less part of the family as dh, it all just isn't sitting right with me but of course I am going to have a distorted view so I do welcome other opinions

I can see it would upset you, I personally wouldn't treat her differently, but to be fair she's not his granddaughter, so the fact you get a card is quite nice.You can't 'demand' everyone treats your child like their own. And why should your other daughter miss out?

Ah, just seen your latest post
but of course dd2 is not part of there family, whereas dd1 is very much part of ours
Yours, yes, but in reality she isn't related to him. Unreasonable ultimatums like that will only cause more heartache, and will alienate more people than you realise.

Yes I can see It prob would bu to decline gifts on dd2's behalf and certainly wouldn't want her to suffer for something her sister doesn't even notice so I won't be doing that, however I am still of the opinion I won't be able to accept a bday present myself from them, for those asking yes dd1 has a very good relationship with her dad and his family

Your point about your own blood status is valid. Why not ask dh to tell them to treat her like they treat you? So if you get a card/gift she does too if not then not for you both iyswim?

But do your eldest daughters family treat your children equally? Do they spend time with/buy presents for your youngest child just because she is your eldest daughters sibling? If you want your daughters treated as an 'all or nothing' package, it has to be the rule for everyone, not just your youngest childs family.

Are you expecting your youngest daughter to accept that your eldest has a family who are special only to her, whilst seeking to deny your youngest a relationship with her grandfather because you think he's 'not being fair'?

Obiwan-- Fri 20-Jan-12 16:25:00
Dd2 is treated very affectionately by dd1's family, Xmas and bday present etc but of course dd2 is not part of there family, whereas dd1 is very much part of ours, She is there at all celebrations/ family occasions and gifts are wrapped from both of them, I can understand not wanting to overstep the mark, but is a phone call or small present overstepping the mark? And dd1 is as much "not blood" as I so should I also be treated as less part of the family as dh, it all just isn't sitting right with me but of course I am going to have a distorted view so I do welcome other opinions
Lrn yea I think your suggestion sounds diplomatic and I can just politely explain i would feel uncomfortable receiving gifts etc when dd1 is so pointedly ignored, to those asking about dd1's other family, while I totally see your point I do think it is very unfair to exclude a child from certain things because tog circumstances beyond their control, maybe it is just me but I would always try my best to be inclusive and fair to all children in this position

I can see why you feel the way you do. My ex's family treat my ds2 very much as bi a part of their family as my oldest 2 despite not being blood relations it is dh's family that seem to find it harder. I do wonder if it because I still see a fair bit of my ex's family and they have known ds2 since he was born the same way they did with my other children so they have got to know him and watch him turn into a toddler and got to know him that way. Whereas dh's family met dd and ds1 as older children and have not had that same watching them be babies etc. If that makes sense.

YANBU, absolutely sick of people assuming they only have any responsibility to kids they're genetically related to. If your daughter doesn't notice so far then that's good, hopefully she won't, but they sound like complete knobs and of course she is their granddaughter just as much as the genetic one, ffs!

Well wb I am not asking or expecting a substitute gp, just for some level of interest and equality, of course they are going to love and dote on dd2 on a whole other level, but surely there's room or dd2 there too, maybe I am conparing them to mil and bil etc, who I think honestly forget dd1 isn't 'blood' most of the time

I think you have to be pretty mean not to offer anything to non-biological children when you are spoiling their sibling. I would decline future gifts on behalf of dd2. Dd1 is her sister and I think it would damage her self esteem to know that she is not regarded as highly as dd2.(I know that presents don't equal love but lack of thought and care is annoying.)

I would give the ultimate. You have 2 equal DCs and one isn't the second class citizen.
I have 3 DSs and 2 different fathers. This means they all have 3 families with 3 lots of grandparents. Luckily they have always treated them all the same and I haven't had to give ultimatums. One BIL was a bit detached so we asked him to be godparent and that solved that one.

I don't buy that you have to be genetically related to all your family to bother. You can't spoil your genetically related grandchild and ignore their half sibling.

It isn't as if you are forcing them to involve one, just saying if you don't want to then miss out the other. It isn't negotiable in my book.

I don't understand why you think it is ok for DD1's paternal family to treat DD2 differently but not ok for DD2's paternal family to treat DD1 differently. You have double standards.

Your role in this family is to help the children understand why their relatives act as they do, that each of them has relatives special to them, not to prevent relationships and presents being given to DD2. This situation is only going to get worse as they get older.

Any reasonable person would see the holiday gift thing as mean so YANBU but birthdays and Christmas, not as much.

I would also fear that the current situation would lead dd1 to resent dd2 and it's obviously neither girl's fault.

If the situation is awkward then I would start with trying to get fil to tone down the spoiling of dd2.

It's a bit tricky sometimes. I love my nephews to bits and spoilt them occasionally, but don't really have much to do with their step-sisters. (Have a very large extended family so don't buy presents unless major birthday or big occasion.) My DSis re-married when they were in their early teens, and they don't really mix with us all that much so it's hard to feel as though they are part of the extended family. If they were always joining in and acted like a part of the family I would feel very differently.

But if you don't see your FIL very often, then your DD1 isn't really a part of his family, is she? Your MIL you see frequently, so she is actively involved in DD1's life just like in DD2's.

Thank you pp's although I will not go ahead in giving the ultimatum I do feel there definately is something mean and hard hearted in their treatment of dd1 and I would not be doing her justice if I let it pass, especially of they can behave this way when she is so young, I can only imagine it getting worse as she gets older. Fil's partner is not married into the family but I could never imagine treating her as any less part of it because of that, dd1 is as much their extended family as she or anyone else not blood related is and should be treated so.

I think it's mean not to treat them the same. They are children who probably wouldn't understand why they are not being treated the same.

But I don't think there is anything you can do about it really. Does it matter so much when you see so little of your fil anyway?

YANBU. Hypothetically, what if you and dh were to adopt? Would that child be ignored too because it was not genetically related?

It's just that you seem inordinately concerned for DD1.

Does your youngest go with DD1 when she stays with her father? It's all very well insisting on playing happy families, and all things being equal, but they simply are not. Families are more complicated than that.

At some point the girls will realise that they have separate families as well as the one they share.

She is their grandchild and she is related to them and a part of their family.

Step-relatives are still relatives and treating them as afterthoughts is horrible.

That's not how family works.

Happy families are inclusive, not looking for bloodlines to draw in the sand.

Absolutely tell them to treat their granddaughters equally.

Ignorant sods doing that to a little girl.