To direct my rage at this woman ?

[AllEmmasAreEvil]

I'm a new poster on here but have been a long time lurker! Hello!
I had separated from my husband in 2010 although we were still seeing each other attending relate and I hoped that our time apart would allow us some space to work things out. I became pregnant when we had been separated for 3 months and although terrified but wanted to keep the baby. The children issue was something myself and my husband had disagreed on for years before, I had a few miscarriages and gave up hope really, I was also due to my childhood experiences very concerned about motherhood.
When I was 8 weeks pregnant and becoming hopeful that the pregnancy would continue he dropped the bombshell that he was seeing someone else and planned to continue to do so . He met her 3 days before I told him I was pregnant and had been very off with me since then which when questioned he put down to being worried that something would go wrong with the pregnancy and he couldn't get too involved . I am not proud of my behaviour during the next few months but I ended up begging and pleading with him to try again with me . Having a family with a mum and dad together for my little one was really important to me as I suppose I was trying to prove that I wouldn't be making the same mistakes as my mother did . He was still at this time telling me he still loved me and was just confused and " doing a business deal" with this woman.
I ended up moving back in with him when I was 22 weeks pregnant which was a disaster TBH.
Now a year later lots has come out. He told the other woman a week before I moved back in that I was pregnant. He said he had not told her this before as he thought I would have a termination and was just leading him on. He also said that we were just living together so he could "support me" and that they could maybe get bank together in the future. He did break contact with her for 6 weeks but she kept trying to be in contact with him. I found a text from her around that time saying she wished she was with him so he could give her a big cuddle . He says they were in constant contact the whole time I was pregnant apart from those 6 weeks and this continued until 8 weeks after our little one was born when he left me with a screaming colicky baby although he has been living on his own
Now of course I am not absolving the arse of his part in this and cannot believe anyone can possibly behave like this ( btw he is now realising the grass is not greener on the other side and is bleating that he has totally fucked up and still is in love with me..shame NOT)
I am however also filled with rage at this woman, I have no doubt he has spun her serious amounts of bollocks , but she really is old enough ( much older than the husband) and has children of her own to know better ?
After being pregnant and having a newborn no way would I think that it's perfectly fine to be having a relationship with the father to be. I would also realise that undoubtedly the mother to be and new mother needs support and help. If she had just backed off for a year then they had got back together and rode off into the sunset I guess I wouldn't have been so bothered but she didn't and I cannot believe that she honestly thought I did not care about what was going on! She is also now demanding she gets to see my child and her children are asking when they can see him and have him over to there house!!! Husband has only had access with me present until recently as I was breastfeeding , she apparently refuses to believe that my LO won't take a bottle ( he wouldnt until last week!)
I know I need to be very careful about deflecting the blame away from idiots behaviour. But as far as I am concerned I feel she has also behaved disgustingly, am also slightly concerned as to the mental state of anyone who after a 4 month relationship wouldn't run a mile from
The very messy situation that is a pregnant ex from a recently separated relationship .
AIBU to think this woman is lower than a snakes belly and have my skin crawl at the thougt of her around my baby that she hasn't appeared to give a flying feck about as long as she is "happy"

She is as much a victim of this mans bullshit as you are.

YABVU to blame her for anything. You say you at ensure he told her lies, but your feelings now don't really seem to believe that.

Well, the 10 phone calls a day also came cos he must've been encouraging her somewhere.
Or she's a stalker.....

So, you were separated, not living together, working on your marriage after YOU left and you were TRYING TO CONCEIVE?? Sorry but to be blunt but what the hell were you both thinking??

This other woman sounds guilty of nothing but naivety really, and you both sound pretty pathetic for putting up with this rubbish from a man who must hav loved the ego boost of having you both begging for him!

I think you should be angry with him and with yourself. All you can do now is work on putting yourself in a better place to raise your child in the best possible way.

You have been foolish OP and made an error of judgement - directing your anger elsewhere won't change that but what's done is done and you all have to find away to move on from this sorry mess.

I still feel for the OP though, you don't sound exactly vulnerable and devastated, but maybe you are really, it does sound quite a sad situation?? So, sending you lots of hope for the future.

As regards the OW, well maybe she behaved in a dishonourable way, I don't understand all the details. But in terms of dis-respect, its more like he disrespected you, because he actually KNOWS you, where as she doesn't.

I hope you find the space and clarity to work your feelings through yourself (sometimes we just come on Mumsnet as part of that process) and move on.

Sounds like it's a bit too late to be wondering how the hell this is all going to work. Maybe you should have been a bit more realistic before you got pregnant and had a baby with a man you'd actually split up with. Who knows why you would do such a thing, but that's where you are. Maybe you thought it would bring you back together, but just about anyone could have told you that was a forlorn hope.

I'm not sure why you are blaming this new woman in his life. She's only hearing his side of the story, and who knows what he's telling her. She has nothing to do with it really.

You chose to carry on with him despite all the obvious difficulties, not to mention the fact that he's obviously a complete tosser, so what does that make you? You are responsible for the fact you chose to tolerate his behaviour, and allow him to be the father of your baby.

You all sound as bad as each other, frankly. I feel sorry for your poor son, who had absolutely no choice in this at all.

Olgaga do you also feel sorry for children whose parents get divorced? My child has a perfectly good relationship with both his parents,there is no ill feeling or rowing around him.
Yes I TTC at a rather stupid time , however I am a late 30's woman with a good job , home and other support network . I am more than capable of being a good single parent in this and will continue to be so. What happened between myself and his father is immaterial, he has and will continue to have a good relationship with 2 parents who love him and yes I may well have to swallow my pride and watch his father take him to stay with her at some point in the future . If you feel sorry for him then so be it but apart from him not having the " normal" family which thousands of children also don't have I can't really see why anyone would feel "sorry" for him!!!!
I am surprised that no one thinks that this woman behaved unreasonably by continuing to push a relationship with a pregnant ex on the scene , maybe I just live by different rules that I behave as I would like others to behave towards me however it's given me some thinking to do so thank you all for that.
His father is taking him out for an hour today so hopefully that will go well and he can continue to do so for longer periods of time

Yes AEAE, a pregnant EX!!!

You really aren't doing yourself any favours by blaming her. She did nothing wrong. I don't see how she's pushed it. She may have text a lot but presumably so did he so what you may actually have here is a bit of over-enthusiasm in a new relationship. Surely that's normal?

He's the cock! The blame lies well and truly at his feet.

Thats what i was thinking. You were seperated but you got pregnant anyway? Why didn't you take precautions!

You shouldn't really feel any hostility to the ow, it's his fault and your fault as well, sorry to say. You said he has been living on his own? So maybe the initial split was meant to have been permanent anyway, at least in his mind, and all the begging you did pressured him into leting you move in. Do you think he would have re-started the relationship with you if there was no baby?

If he's living on his own still and seeing the baby, it sounds like he's doing all the right things now :)

I do love the idea of a woman ' NO HUSBAND IS SAFE AROUND' - the poor little lambs!

I would blame both, him far more so obviously. I think we all have a responsibility to each other, male or female. I would never, ever pursue a man who was married, with children, trying to work his marriage out. Ever. It is horrible behaviour. Even if he did lead her on and lie to her, when she knew the truth she should have backed off.

But more fool her for wanting this arse of a man.

as far as i can see all three of you have been bloody stupid, and if you have any rage (as in your title) you need to be working on letting go of that rage rather than 'directing' it at anybody.

you need to move on and work out how to amicably co-parent with this man you are NOT in a romantic ralationship with and haven't been since before the conception of your child. If it's not this particular OW it will be another and you'll have future partners too, you and your co-parent need to look to the future and your wonderful baby who deserves the best parenting from both of you.

Have you tried to see it from her pov.

She got into a relationship with a man who was separated. There is no evidence whatsoever that he told her that he was trying to work his marriage out or planning to have a child with you: as far as she was concerned this was a relationship with nothing wrong about it. What do you think she should have been old enough to know better- not to get involved with a man with an ex?

Then all of a sudden she is told that he has been back and got you pregnant. Now from her pov she is actually the betrayed person here and you are the OW, sleeping with someone (your ex) who is already in a relationship with her.

He does not tell her that he is breaking off or planning to break off with her: to the contrary, he tells her that he is just supporting you through the pregnancy, i.e. not in a relationship with you. Again, from her pov the current relationship is the one he has with her. At the same time she is getting worried because he is clearly behaving oddly, hanging around you and not supporting her. Hence the frequent texting. Wouldn't you? If a man who had promised you a relationship was suddenly living with someone else?

The fact that you had a newborn doesn't make it less of a betrayal of her. What would you have said if he had had a baby with another woman while you were still married and gone off and spent time with her- would that make you the OW just because she had a newborn and needed support?

Conclusion: your ex is an arse. This woman is no more the OW than you are. She entered a relationship in good faith and has been betrayed. Just like you have.

She is trying, albeit clumsily, to behave in a civilised manner and be as positive towards this new baby as she possibly can for its own sake, though she can hardly be delighted with its conception at a time when she had good reason to believe her father was in a relationship with her. Of course you don't have to accept her suggestions. But do try to see that there could be more than one angle here.

Be a little gentler about the OP's choice to conceive, please. She has mentioned being in late 30s and having had several miscarriages. No doubt the biological clock was screaming in her ear. It may have been unwise but IMO understandable. Obviously if she'd asked on here first everyone would have said sort out your relationship with the father first or get rid and find a new candidate for the role, but sometimes you've gotta grab what you can before it's too late. OP has said she is capable and prepared to be a single parent so it wasn't about "trapping" the father, it was about feeling she really needed to have a baby.

I only had one miscarriage in my mid 20s, when I'd only been married a few months, hadn't been thinking of having a baby just yet and the pregnancy was an accident (well, carelessness). I was frantic to conceive again. Fortunately I did, quickly and this time successfully. Just that tiny insight into what it feels like gives me massive sympathy for the OP. Not everyone can reproduce like "ok, nine months from now is a slack time in the diary, let's leave the condom off tonight".

I can understand her grabbing, Annie, but I cannot understand her rage at the woman whose partner she grabbed. Presumably she didn't know he was already in a new relationship, but that is hardly the other woman's fault.

I think I need to clarify a few points as I don't think I am coming across very well and wrong end of stick is being got

My husband was also very much supposedly working on things with myself when I suppose yes I tried TTC. He started this new relationship 3 days before I got a positive pregnancy test. He had not even met her before this so I was certainly not trying to have a child with another woman's man.
He then hid it from me for weeks and continued to meet up with me albeit occasionally as I was stupidly busy at work at the time. He admitted he was seeing someone else when I was 8 weeks pregnant .

I think I have been a bit dull to use the words rage TBH. I'm not sat here gnashing my teeth over this all day every day . I am just pissed off that I don't much care for the way someone has behaved. I certainly DO NOT abdicate any responsibly of my husband in this, he has behaved disgustingly and also my own foolishness has also played a major part.
Can I just add that i do believe him when he has told me that when I moved back in with him he told her that he needed time to support me and to concentrate on his impending fatherhood. They may get back together in the future but at that time he just wanted to deal with what was going on at the time .I don't think that sending naked picture messages of yourself and messages saying her big bed missed him was entirely appropriate .Nor moaning at him and calling me a stupid bitchbecause i refused an induction and SHE needed to know when the baby would arrive . All of this i saw with my own eyes when i did a bit of phone checking Did he encourage her? Oh I have no doubt he did!
I think it's just in the situation that was I would have backed away because as OP have rightly said innocent children are involved and if nothing else realised that there is always 3 sides to every story , mine, his and the truth somewhere in between
I am also not happy with her encouraging him to go for custody of LO for reasons I believe of making sure she can keep him when she is too old to have any more children herself.
I have no doubt it will all go tits up for them anyway , her blinkers will come off one day and see him for the spineless fool he really is.
Anyway once again thank you all for your replies , it is appreciated and as I said before life goes on , hopefully mine can be a little calmer and quieter from now on ( except at 4 am when son decides its time to play urrrghhhh)

OP I think people are reacting to the term rage - it's a strong word and emotion, and it wouldn't be doing you or your baby any good to be hanging on to that feeling. The OW certainly doesn't come out of this situation well, and your xH sounds like a bit of a spineless pillock. There's no point in resenting her though - it's just wasted energy (I know that's easier said than done). If she's as unpleasant as him then they deserve each other.

Focus on yourself and your lovely baby, try to release the understandable resentment you have towards them, and work on building a stable and happy future for your child.

Excellent post cory.

OP, you say there are three sides to this story, yours, his and the truth, but what about hers? She is involved in all this whether you like it or not, and her side of the story is as important as yours.

How do you know what had gone on in her life to make her so easy to lie to the way your dh did? What makes you think she wasn't in a vulnerable place and that your feelings were more important just because you were pregnant? Maybe she just fell in love with the wrong person at the wrong time, and desparately wanted a chance at happiness so she chose to believe him even when she had doubts.

And how do you know that he only started seeing her just before you got a positive pregnancy test? That could so easily be another of his lies.

Wow.

Lots of clichés swirling, along the lines of 'making beds and having to lie in them' and 'chickens coming home to roost'.

Questioning the OW's motives as to getting involved in all of this is basically as pointless as us questioning your motives to TTC when separated. I would say your decision far outranks hers in the unbelievably misguided stakes.

It's as pointless to sit there now and wonder why on earth she didn't run a mile from the new partner and his pregnant and separated wife, as it is for us to wonder about your own decisions which have entirely led you to where you are now. If not for those, you wouldn't be in the situation you're in.

Sorry - that's not to put the boot in. But just to try to give you a little bit of perspective and to realise that all of you have made some bad decisions which you now have to live with - make your peace with and move on.

Op, get your own blinkers off and see him for the spineless fool he is.

To be honest, it sounds like you still have feelings for him that run quite deep. Rather than admit betrayal and that you were rejected, it was easier to blame the OW.

These are the versions of the truth:
Yours...he's ok, it's all her fault
Hers.....he's ok, it's all her fault
His....ooohhhh two women, both of them want me.....aren't I fab?

So who's being the fool? You and her.

I agree with you, Cory. My post appeared just after yours but was aimed at the ones having a go at her for ttc whilst (sort-of) separated.

Wait though, the OW is going for custody, via his dad, of the OP's baby? Where did that pop out from? I understood she was keen for the little one to visit, to meet his, er, step-siblings-to-be, not for him to live there permanently. That puts a bit of a different light on the situation...

I despair when I read stuff like this, OP, I really do. You are where you are, but please don't try to make excuses for your ex, or start blaming other people for your miserable situation.

You chose to have a child with this man, a man you had already split up with. What on earth did you expect? You had split up, it wasn't working. In his view, and hers, he was a free agent. Did you really think that because you were pregnant with his child he'd suddenly mature and become the man of your dreams?

Oh dear.

If I met a recently seperated man, got into a relationship with him then found out his wife was pregnant AND concieved after the alledged seperation........ I would run a mile!

Stop having a go at the OP, she obviously thought the seperation was temporary and that especially as they had resumed marital 'relations' things were working out.