to stop ds with kidney infection having 1 night's contact with exH?

[OcarinaOfTime]

I was called to school Wednesday for ds (7) in pain, stark white with blood in urine. After almost scrapping with doc receptionist (is it a clinic need?!?) doc says kidney infection, temperature = antibiotics, me to get urine sample to hospital immediately (still waiting for results), consultant paed urologist checkup ordered (had hydronephrosis as foetus/small baby) and go straight to children's hospital if gets any worse. He is improved but not better, no blood in urine but still pain. I am administering cranberry juice and water every 15 - 20 minutes, antibiotics three times a day, back to the doc's this afternoon.

Meanwhile exH has been off radar; said last sun his phone cut off, no response to email, finally answered a text to 'cut off' phone today. DS is supposed to go to him tonight until tomorrow, but he can't currently be further away from a toilet than 2 mins (docs is really close). I am not happy that he's turned the corner yet. ExH has failed to take Ds to docs in past with suspected urine infection, said he was better. Everything in me is screaming 'no!' in case he goes off quickly and has to go to hospital. ExH is now moaning he misses him and is terribly worried and has to see him. Ds of course wants to see his father. AIBU to keep him until he's substantially better?

I would keep him home unless you can be 100% sure that your ex would contact you if your DS's condition worsened - that does not appear to be the case.

Kidney infections are not to be taken lightly - and I can see that you are aware how important it is that the treatment is followed.

Would your ex even remember to give him antibiotics? He does not sound particularly trustworthy.

Can your ex not come to your house and visit DS? How far away does he live?

Can't dads look after sick kids then? Is there a court order?

I'd keep him at home and suggest Ex visit, if not speak to him on the phone. I wouldn't change routine until he was better.

Olympia/Stranded
I would leave my DH home with the kids, but I know for sure that he would follow the doc's instructions carefully and take them to hospital if their condition worsened.

Sadly not all men are that careful - the OP's ex has ignored a kidney infection before.

This is not a boy with a bit of a cold. He has an infection, and if he has had these before then there is a risk of scarring to the kidneys and serious health problems because of this.

My DD has had this and I am very very cautious now, after having dire warnings from the docs.

Yeah yeah.... Have had the same too, know all the ins and outs etc

You're worried about your son but I do think YABU. He is your son's father and just as capable as you.

Maybe explain to ex about toilet thing and keeping DS still and quiet but then let him get on with it! Let ex use his common sense and look after his son. If ex was still living with you and you had to go out for whatever reason - would you not trust him to parent properly? Just because ex doesnt live with you anymore doesnt mean he has automatically lost this ability!

I presume is the dad's on this thread getting a bit punchy, keep him at home OP.

ExH cannot come round, past behaviour has led to information-only by text/email communication. That is the crux of the issue; I have no trust that exH can properly focus on DS and take true care of him. This is not a good thing and he needs proper watching. He is also starting with a bad chest, probably because his immune system is overrun. I know that they should see each other; they always have, in almost three years since split even when chaotic times I've never stopped it, he has him three nights out of eight, when not chaos. I know I'm frantic. Hence posting. Thanks.

If it was the other way round and dad was doing the looking after, I'd visit him and leave him where he was.

Ops ex didn't ignore a kidney infection before.... Where does it say that??

I don't think this is even a custody issue as he shouldn't really be traveling with such a sever kidney infection. He needs to rest as much as possible.

Surely Dad can understand how unwell he is?

Apologies, not kidney infection, but suspected UTI - and with the boy's history, he should have been seen by a doc immediately.

Your DS is seriously ill. He stays at home, end of.

Could he have a supervised visit or something like that?

If DS is in bed and too unwell to move then I'd say let him stay where he is. But if it's just a question of keeping fairly still and quiet then I dont see why DS cant do that at his dads.

The best thing for your son would be to stay at home and to see his Dad. As the adults, you should both be doing the best for him, no matter how horrible or difficult it is for both of you.

I would invite ex round and take yourself upstairs for a few hours for a bath and some relax time.

If your ex won't agree to that, then he does not have the best interests of his child at heart, and you would be doing the right thing by keeping your ds at home with you.

Kitchenroll is right. Good post.

What has your ex actually said so far op?

definatley agree with kitchen roll. oh on dont go too nuts on the cranberry juice, can do more harm than good when it comes to urinary tract infections.
Well worth making sure he drinks at least a glass of dioralyte a day as he wont be holding water properly in his body so any water he is drinking is flushing straight through.

Definatly keep him at home, UTI/ Kidney Infections are horrible, and moving to another house just to be ill over there will make it worse. Why not ask the doctor to write a note which you could email over.

P.S. hotwater bottles are a really good distraction with UTI infections

I take your point IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll. This is beyond and needs sorting. ExH has said will he see him tomorrow, I said this depends on the doctor and results and if he's less poorly. I think now is not the time to launch into home visits. My DS is canny and could start throwing illness in order to get exH round again. I take the point, but the behaviour leading up to and subsequent to seperation almost broke me, and it has taken me years and outside help to put myself back together again. There were faults on both sides, of course. But I need to take care of myself too, and exH suddenly being in our new home I had to forge will, I think, do more to harm my balance than help DS. It's only one night.

SPeak to your ex. Not text. Speak. This is important.

Tell him ds is too sick to visit but....offer him an extra night next week if ds is better. Just stick to the fact that ds is very poorly, and not up to doing anything much except a video and plenty of rest. Plus you are waiting for test results, so who knows, you may be taking him up to see soctor again later.

Let your DS and him have a good old natter on the phone. Maybe even on skype.

Be reasonable and accomodating about the extra night, accept that maybe his dad wont be able to do an extra night, but you have offered.

Then if he kicks off, you can assert that you were reasonable and sensitive to his needs for contact, but put your ds' needs first.

Agree with HattiFattner. From what you have described I don't think its in your DS's best interests to be away from home. You have a doctors visit this afternoon so I would tell your ex that the doctor has recommended that DS remain at home in his condition, but offering him an extra night next week seems like the right thing to do.

Also we don't know your history but if your ex is abusive which he sounds to be from your latest post then I totally understand why you wouldn't want him in your house, don't feel you have to justify that.

Good luck and hope that DS feels better soon.

If you think your son could start pretending to be ill to get his Dad round, doesn't that tell you something?

I'm not suggesting that he stays overnight with you, just a few hours in the afternoon. If you feel threatened, couldn't you get someone to stay with you while he is there?

I do have some understanding of how you feel btw, I'm not trying to force you to do something you don't feel capable of. I had a very messy split with my ex, there was a small amount of abuse involved, and felt like I didn't want him in my new home when I rebuilt everything. But I put up with it for the dcs sakes, and it has been hard over the years. But it is so much better now, eight years down the line. He is helping dh and I decorate ds2s bedroom tomorrow. The relationship can get better if you both want it to, although he will need to cooperate too and obviously you can't control that.

Is there any way it would give you confidence and strength to know you are doing the bets possible thing for your ds?