Or is my mum, or my DP?

[brodyboo]

I work full time and my mum helps my partner with the care of our DDs aged 2 and 3.5. I dropped them off at my mums yesterday on the way to work at twelve and DP was picking them up at four.

I got home last night at Ten and DP said my mum had a right go at him for being abusive towards DD1, he said she wouldnt put her shoes on and kept throwing them at his face so he picked her up and plopped her on the couch and put her shoes on himself, he said he wasnt excactly gentle but certainly not abusive, he does admit he lost his temper.

On the phone to mum this morning she says he picked her up roughly by her arm and dumped her on the couch, then put on her shoes, that this is child abuse and I should not be leaving the children alone with him and this incident is clearly a marker that other things could happen.

As background my partner is young, 23, and our two girls are close together.
He did struggle at first but over the past year I have watched him blossom into a father who clearly loves and enjoys spending time with his children, they are excited to see him if he has been out and love playing with him, taking dogs out etc,

My mum has been fabulous and I quite simply wouldnt have survived the past few years without her, she does however care for my girls to the point of obsession, I am often ignored for the first five minutes after my arrival while she clucks over them and, if in company any questions vistors or family ask about the girls, she shouts over me to answer as if she were their mother. I have just ignored it as I am so gratefull for all she has done.

I am very annoyed with my DP if has handled DD so roughly and we will have very strong words tonight, but I see how he is with them normally and how happy and relaxed they are in his company.
I suppose I am asking if my mum IBU in suggesting this could be a sign of further abuse or just being a bit hysterical, thanks if you have read this far, very long!!!!!

brody I don't think that having a go at your DH will help; I'm certain he will already feel guilty for losing his temper. Just remind him that he doesn't want to scare or frighten them! However nothing wrong with being stern/strict in response to naughty behaviour.

As for your mother, sounds like she's unwilling to show your DDs that there are consequences to bad behaviour - does she set reasonable boundaries and rules when she is in charge? Seems not. All essential to not rearing spoilt brats!

However, removing her childcare duties immediately seems drastic first reaction (a bit like punishing a child without actually warning them that they were misbehaving first) - surely you should talk to her first and set some boundaries down for her? If it is still not working out you could then consider reducing childcare hours.

Sounds like your mother to me.
I regularly have to hold DS in his pushchair with my knee whilst I get the straps done up, which probably looks AWFUL, but I know it's not hurting him. Or I have to clamp his legs together with mine to get his shoes on. Needs must! It's not abuse tho. Sounds like your mother is a stickybeak tho! Sorry!

If you've never picked up anything suspicious from your DP's side, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and assume it was a normal response to getting an angry toddler to cooperate. I've certainly forced clothes on/off DD at times and forced her to sit in places where she didn't want to sit. Even the most patient parent sometimes gets exasperated and loses their rag, even more so if MIL is making this worse.

Don't 'talk tough' with your DP, but if you're going to have a talk, have it about how to ensure your mother understands and supports the boundaries you've set with DD and how you two will respond, as a team, if she tries to undermine them.

"DD1 always plays up at at my mums house, she gets her way all the time and gran is always there to back her up, ... she is a completley different child at home."

This bothered me. It is not in your daughters best interests to be treated like this, and your mother should know this.

Thank you everyone for your replies, it has certainly given me a lot to think about and work through with my mum,

I think I did already know before posting the problem was with my mum and we can all go forward on a new footing, thanks again

Hi Brody. Glad you have taken on board what every one has said.

If you had allowed this to continue where your DD thought that she could do anything she liked including hurting people with no consequences the person who would suffer most long term would be your DD.

Who would want to be friends with a child with that sort of attitude/behaviour or what parents would want to invite that child to play with theirs?

There is nothing wrong with sitting down with your DP and having a discussion about how the pair of you handle discipline/time outs etc from now on. It needs to be a mutual discussion/decision as they are both your children though.

Your mother needs some serious work. She is not doing you or your children any favours long term.

It is not going to be easy to break these habits without stepping on toes unless you are very lucky!