Or is my mum, or my DP?

[brodyboo]

I work full time and my mum helps my partner with the care of our DDs aged 2 and 3.5. I dropped them off at my mums yesterday on the way to work at twelve and DP was picking them up at four.

I got home last night at Ten and DP said my mum had a right go at him for being abusive towards DD1, he said she wouldnt put her shoes on and kept throwing them at his face so he picked her up and plopped her on the couch and put her shoes on himself, he said he wasnt excactly gentle but certainly not abusive, he does admit he lost his temper.

On the phone to mum this morning she says he picked her up roughly by her arm and dumped her on the couch, then put on her shoes, that this is child abuse and I should not be leaving the children alone with him and this incident is clearly a marker that other things could happen.

As background my partner is young, 23, and our two girls are close together.
He did struggle at first but over the past year I have watched him blossom into a father who clearly loves and enjoys spending time with his children, they are excited to see him if he has been out and love playing with him, taking dogs out etc,

My mum has been fabulous and I quite simply wouldnt have survived the past few years without her, she does however care for my girls to the point of obsession, I am often ignored for the first five minutes after my arrival while she clucks over them and, if in company any questions vistors or family ask about the girls, she shouts over me to answer as if she were their mother. I have just ignored it as I am so gratefull for all she has done.

I am very annoyed with my DP if has handled DD so roughly and we will have very strong words tonight, but I see how he is with them normally and how happy and relaxed they are in his company.
I suppose I am asking if my mum IBU in suggesting this could be a sign of further abuse or just being a bit hysterical, thanks if you have read this far, very long!!!!!

Doesn't sound like abuse at all and tbh I would probably have done the same. And as others have said, I remember getting slightly rough treatment like that when I was behaving badly as a child. It's not a big deal. I think your mum is stirring. And you need to tell her not to undermine your parenting in the way you describe: 'if I ever have to repremand girls at mums she is all over them'. Not helpful.

Parents do lose their tempers. It would take a saint not to lose their temper with most 3 year olds.

Roughly hoisting them onto a sofa is not abuse, nor is it loss of control, or excessive force. If he was swearing at the child when doing it, or actually hurting her, then different, but it doesnt sound like it was anywhere near to being like that.

Thank you everyone, sometimes when you are in the midst of a situation it is hard to see what is really going on, your replies have clarified what I suppose I already knew.

Don't have a go at your DP! you weren't there, it's your mum's word against his and he is the parent. your mum sounds controlling and undermining.

Your DP was trying to get your DD to get ready to leave the house, with his overbearing and overprotective MIL looming in the background. DD plays up, throws shoes in his face, he took hold of her, plonked her on the sofa and got her shoes on her feet himself and presumably was cross because of the refusal to co-operate and the shoe throwing.

I would have done exactly the same, knowing full well that the alternative would be DD being rude to me while indulgent granny looked on clucking and tutting, siding with her dgc, DD not getting shoes on, leaving the house taking 3x as long etc etc. A 3.5yo should know better and she would deserve a telling off for that imho.

I can't bear it when a parent tries to enforce good behaviour in their own child and someone else blatantly goes against that, it doesn't help your children learn manners / decent behaviour! I would be standing up to your mum a bit more if possible, even if she has been a great help she's starting to overstep normal boundaries.

I don't like the sound of, 'DD1 always plays up at at my mums house, she gets her way all the time', and the fact she undermines your authority.

You're the parents, she has to accept you parent differently to her.

I have every sympathy with your OH.

'Strong words' sounds a bit like you plan to discipline your partner. I'd hate that, in his shoes. My husband's a lot more patient with our 3-year-old than I am, but the times he's even gently criticized me I've felt dreadful, which doesn't help me act more gently the next time. When my husband is sympathetic, tries to find out and understand how difficult a situation has been for me, I feel far more able to open up about it and listen to/take advice and support.

I work too, and find work a wonderful break. It can be tough (as well as wonderful) looking after your children, I imagine more so if you're young and feel judged by your mother in law.

I guess the best thing I can do is not put him in that situation anymore

Actually, I think that is the WORST thing you can do! He is your DD's father!!!! He has a right to parent to, it's not all up to you, and it sure as hell isn't up to your DM!!!!

He is allowed to lose his temper with your DD. It's actually good for children to occasionally see that their parents have limits to their patience and if they cross a line then it won't be pleasant!!!

Oops. X-posted.

chitchat I meant by not sending dds to my mothers anymore, not taking them away from DP!!!!

Agree with ChitChat totally

The person you should be having strong words with is your DM as its is HER who is undermining your child father, constantly watching him to see if he messes up, siding with your DD's and then telling tales to you when DP does something which is a perfectly normal reaction to having shoes thrown in his face!

Well that's alright then !

I thought you meant you would pick DD up instead.

Your DP is NOT the problem here, you mother is. Take a step back and look dispassionately at the situation. Because what I see is a perfectly capable man being undermined and sidelined out of his childrens lives on a daily basis by an interfering, busy body mother-in-law. And you are rolling over and letting it happen. She may be your mother, but she is not your child's mother - YOU are. Start setting some boundaries quick smart.

Brodyboo I know what you mean about your DM being really involved as I am in a similar situation. Just the other day there was a tense moment when I raised my voice at DS1 as he's in that defiant 3 year old phase and my DM told me not to shout at him, although I can remember hundreds of times my mother shouted at me, but she did acknowledge that she shouldn't have butted in. My DM dotes on both of my children, truly thinks they are the best thing ever (easily better than DB and me), and has been known to be angry at how DH and I do things, however DH and I also talk to eachother and put on a united front.

We admit our mistakes and talk about how we could do things better, but I wouldn't let my DM know that I think my DH is wrong when it comes to the DCs - how you parent is between you and your DP. If you think your DP is "too rough" overall then pull him up on it, talk about what happened rationally, but don't let your DM rule how you want to parent overall and don't let her undermine you or DP in this.

sounds like your mum doesnt like anyone else telling off her grankids,seems she has forgotten that you & dp are the parents not her,as others have said,she was throwing shoes at him,he got cross and dealt with it same way most of us would have,did she have any marks on her?i think you need to have a word with your dm about whos in charge,dp was home so he as the parent overrules your mum.

I realise now I have got a lot of work to do to put this right, my DDs adore their granny but I think I am going to have to cut right back on the childcare front and we can just go for trips out together etc.

I have let things go because I didnt want to appear ungratefull for all the help we have had, I do really love my mum she is a generous loving person but is skewed when it comes to her granddaughters.

You should be having words with your mum, not your partner.

Imagine that was you losing your temper and your MIL had complained to your DP about your "abuse" of DD.

If I were you, I would be looking for alternative childcare because this is a family fall-out waiting to happen.

xp. Yes, I think that you are absolutely right.

Agree with everyone else, my husband has plonked shoes on my children, after putting them in the buggy quite forcibly, as I have I, not ideal, not anyone's finest parenting hour, but certainly not abusive or illegal or anything to remark on. Even if he had smacked her, it wouldn't have been your mum's business. It's up to you two to set boundaries between you and it sounds like he knew he had lost his temper anyway. But who hasn't, when caring for a toddler?

Your mum needs to back off. My mum does a lot of care for my children, so I know boundaries can be blurred, but you are the parents, and please please don't side with her against your husband (unless he has done something truly terrible). It will be so destructive, and it's great he's a hands on parent, something you want to encourage, not make him feel watched.

I've just read others replies and fair enough but I still wouldn't like my DP to yank my child.

Your mum sounds a total nightmare. My ex mil was like her. She actually lived with my dh and I. If I told the girls off she would remove herself from the room stating she just couldn't bear to hear children cry. She would practically knock me over in her rush to save my poor children from their evil mother!

Your dh shouldn't have lost his temper. We all know we shouldn't with kids and yet I bet most of us have. But having your mother there watching his every move would have made a stressful situation worse.

Also why does your children get to do whatever they want in her care? I wouldn't agree to that at all.

it comes across a bit as if the children belong to you and your mother and DP can help with them with your permission. the fact that a father of a child is being told off as if he is a babysitter for telling off his own children is a bit much. It is no more up to you then him about how you bring the children up, and certainly believing a woman who obsesses over the children and encourages them to become spoilt badly behaved brats is out of line, and he woudl have reason to be angry with you for that. Personally I would stand up to your mother, and when she pulls the "oh come here to me" when you tell the children off, pull her up on it, and overrule her, and think about cutting down her contact time until she behaves better.

Brody I totally relate. My poor mum is dead now - she died six years ago.
My mum was an excellent mother - I was close to her, really loved and liked her, she was my closest ally, and I miss her very much indeed.
However, when our ds1 came along it triggered something in her, and she too became a bit skewed over him.
She loved him so much you see....and truth be told, she saw my husband as a blot on the landscape in this wonderful granny, daughter, grandson triangle.
It was really the first period of my relationship where I found my mum and I falling out. We had always had a great relationship, despite some horrific teen behaviour from me years before, but when ds1 came on the scene she did go a bit Granzilla.

My dh was regarded as a bit of a spare part on the parenting front. She even used to say that he interfered too much. She was very focused on ds1 herself. Like you say....to the point of obsession even.

I don't think you need to rethink the childcare. I think you need to talk to your mum woman to woman, adult to adult, mother to mother.
I did this eventually, and it was awful....she cried bitterly, felt rejected and hurt....but our relationship did fully recover, and on a far more respectful footing.

Your mum is being unrealistic (she will have conveniently forgotten 'those' moments when she was a parent to a little one, in the rosy glow of grannydom) and she is being overbearing. Saying your dh was 'abusive' is quite a loaded thing to say...and if your instinct says she is over egging the pudding, then you may think upon it as shit stirring.

My mum ended up shit stirring and she had to be told. With all the love in the world.

stayforno-one - my mum used to leave the room sometimes if my dh admonished our son. She 'couldn't bear to watch it' - she used to get the arse at me for telling him off as well sometimes. She would go 'awwww' and open up her arms to give him a big cuddle.

My mum behaved entitirely as though dh's involvement in his son, was him interfering.

Your mother is being hysterical

I will still be talking to DP though, it will never happen again!

I don't think I would approach it like that if I were you...