To think my friend is being a complete diva about her first pregnancy

[mrsbertiewooster]

Went to visit friend last weekend to celebrate upcoming birth of her FB. Night involved lots of wine drinking/gossip/funny baby shower gifts/supportive words.

She's 37 weeks pregnant and about to go.

Thing is, another very close friend of ours couldn't make it that evening because as it happened (totally fluke that it was same day) earlier that day she suffered her 2nd miscarriage (had one 6 months ago, on her first pregnancy, this mis was her second pregnancy) and had to go to hospital. Of course I spent some of the evening texting this friend comforting 'thinking of you' messages as she was in hospital. overnight Pregnant friend (we'll call her) seemed a bit impatient about this and said 'well, meanwhile, all is fine here with me', as if the I was stealing her limelight!

To top it off, and what makes me feel very uneasy about this, is that a close friend of Pregnant friend lost a baby from a rare condition when 6 months pregnant and would have been due the same time as her (in other words, also 37 weeks. (I have met this girl a few times and feel very bad for her, she had a funeral for her baby, etc)
Anyway, this girl who lost the baby said she'd leave it about 6 weeks before visiting Pregnany friend and the new baby. Pregnant friend said to me at the weekend that she was 'really pi**ed off' with her for not coming to see the new baby sooner!'

WTF??

Can she not see how difficult her friend might find this? Or is it that she doesn't want all this to add to her anxiety about upcoming labour, etc??

Are we all a bit wrapped up in ourselves when pregnant with FB (I forget as have 3 DC, 4 year old and 18 month old twins, seems like ages ago!), but come on!! How can she not be more empathetic?!

The world doesn't have to stop and revolve because she's having her first baby!? (sorry if that sounds a bit bitchy, just found her reactions v weird!)

AIBU?

no

and you sound lovely and caring.

She sounds self absorbed and lacking in empathy. Whether that is because she is expecting PFB or just because shes that way generally I dont know, some people however must look back in years to come and cringe at their behaviour.

She is a self centred cow.

YANBU. She sounds dreadful.

If she is not normally so self centred, and I assume you have known her long enough to know what she is like when not pregnant, it could be that she is just worried herself about her baby, the birth etc and doesnt realise how self absorbed she sounds..

What EauDeLaPoisson said. I have been through this crap with someone after I lost a baby. It was not her pregnancy goggles, it was just plain old being a bitch.

People do get self absorbed when they are pregnant with a first born, but this womans behaviour goes beyond that. She is being selfish, uncaring, and frankly, a bitch. That cannot be blamed on a first pregnancy, it's part of who she is.

If anything, being pregnant has made me become more aware of what is going on in other people's lives and their subsequent emotions. That woman sounds very self absorbed and I doubt it's only because she's pregnant.

You are definitely not being unreasonable and like blackeyedsusan said, you sound like a caring person yourself.

Take care.

Her poor friends. I had someone who kept bugging me about going to see her new baby not long after I'd had a miscarriage after IVF. She just kept pushing away and basically trying to get her baby in my face all the time, and our friendship never recovered.

I think the more the pg friend wants to show off her baby to her two other friends, the more unfeeling she's going to appear and the less likely they are to want to put themselves out for someone who has no regard for their feelings and won't give them space.

You sound really nice, and could maybe gently point out that her friends will find it hard and to cut them some slack... but then, it doesn't sound like she's going to listen!

Just trying to be nice here, could it be that the more talking/knowledge of your other 2 friends is making her anxious?

Could she be thinking 'Oh Shit I've had a lovely pregnancy, but bad things happen to good people, like your 2 other friends so something bad is going to happen to my baby?'

Now I'll hold my hand up and say I have never experience childbirth or late pregnancy so all I have to go on is sibs/friends actions/reaction and I remember my sis at this point in her pregnancy being totally convinced that she was going to die giving birth.
She wasn?t dramatic or over emotional about it just that she didn?t deserve to be so lucky, when other who she saw as ?better? people didn?t get to have happy healthy pregnancies & children. Sorry if I sorry rambling but am shattered

Or has she always been me me me and this is just being magnified by her pregnancy?

I'm inclined to think that she is actually just an unpleasant person. No one would say things like this just as a result of pregnancy.

Yes some people do become a bit self-absorbed when pregnant for the first time, but your friend just sounds a cow. I'd either have to tell her how nasty she sounds the next time she makes an unpleasant remark or keep my distance.

A friend of mine tagged me in on her unborn baby's ultrasound photos on FB so they appeared on my homepage so it looked like they could be my photos (WTF?) not long after I had my second miscarriage. I didn't say anything because I know she'd be very upset if she realised how insensitive I found it. I know in her case that it wasn't intended to hurt me, rather her being excited and thoughtless. But I think it will be one of those things that I'll always remember and wonder what on earth possessed her.

I can sort of see the pregnant friend pov.

My sister miscarried, and so did 2 friends from work.

However I wasn't about to feel guilty that I was carrying a baby, my baby and wanted to let the whole world to know I was about to be become a mum.

Fast forward a few years and I ashamed that I felt like that

I all!

Thanks so much for the replies:) Some interesting thoughts..

The thing is, I kind of agree that she's being selfish and not as a result of her pregnancy. I would consider her a friend, she can be great fun etc butIS guilty of diva behaviour in the past, ie. falling out with people/fiery episodes if she ever felt 'wronged' the past (eg. someone being more popular in school, etc, stupid things TBH)

The way I see it, her friends are of course happy for her but also grieving for their own losses. No one is expecting her to feel guilty about having a healthy baby? Can the two states not exist independently from one another?

Am only annoyed now that I didn't tell her she was being unreasonable. But am prob not that confrontational, so I go on mumsnet instead

But I will mention it if she beings it up again.

Am sorry to hear pishwife aboout your loss

And scarletfingernail that's awful abotu FB post, and frankly a bit strangely insensitive, sorry to hear that

YANBU

I'm currently dealing with a self absorbed sil who's being an even worse pregnant princess with no.2.

I had a missed miscariage just before christmas and ended up in hospital for the op, it was shit, it still is and she is due just after I should have been.

I've even been asked to help her pack and move house because she can't. Funny that, no one helped us when I was pregnant recovering from a section. (She is also 110miles away so that's an issue in itself)

Some people are to wrapped up in themselves, if she's usually lovely deep breath and blame the hormones, or she could just be a twat. Yes sil I'm talking about you.

*or recovering from a section

YANBU your friend sounds like a self obsessed cow.

Your friend could be on another forum asking was my friend rude to spend my baby shower texting? I would also think any mention of miscarriages or stillbirth at a baby shower is tactless and insensitive.

You say you hardly know the other woman who suffered a loss and have only met her a couple of times so I'm not sure why you are getting involved in your friend's relationship with her. I know people who get off on the drama of other people's troubles and will ignore the mundane problem-free pregnancies of those closer when there's a stranger with a problem. You remind me of my Grandma.

Complex did you not read the part she said a close friend of theirs??? How the hell is it getting involved in the drama of a 'complete stranger'

Yanbu
My friend had her 12 week scan the day before I had my 20 week scan (her 1st my 3rd)
We had been texting each other & she was so excited.
At the scan it turned out the baby had died

I sent her flowers & when dd3 was newborn I made sure I warned her if I was going to be taking her to mutual friends social events so she could at least prepare herself

Complex, are you the diva?!

1. The OP is very good friends with the friend who miscarried that day

1. She is not 'involved in the drama' of the friend-of-a-friend; merely commenting on a crass comment Diva made

OP, YANBU and you know it. There is really no reason for her behaviour - vast swathes of women have managed to gestate babies in millennia past, and not need the world to revolve around them and only them.

OFGS Complex. If you're having a baby then
you are a grown woman. You should be able to hear about, and deeply sympathise with, the m/c of a close friend (yes, even at your baby shower!) without falling into
a swoon, or getting an arse on about not being the centre of attention.

As others have said, YANBU.

YANBU. I hate it when pregnant women get all me, me ,me and made a concious effort not to do it although I can easily see why it happens!

A good friend and collegue fell accidently pregnant when I was 5 months. She really didn't know what to do (I was 7 months by the time she knew). She really worried about all the advice/ support she wanted from me because I was happy.
Basically I told her her feelings/ concerns were her's and I was still there for her regardless of mine. My being pregnant didn't mean everyone else had the same feelings.

As it was she gave birth to a beautiful DD when DS was 5 months old, I supported her from the beggining as she learnt to be a mum and when 10 months later DP and I split she had DS for me all day Saturday's whilst I worked. She is a great mum.

Complex - am just taking issue with some of things you mentioned:

a. I was most certainly not 'ignoring the mundane problem free pregnancy of my friend'. In fact, I was clear in saying to her that I was sorry other friend who miscarried couldn't make it that evening as we'd planned it all for her andthe upcoming birth.

But how inconvient of my friend to have miscarried that day!!!

b. I was merely commenting in my OP about her lack of empathy to other friend who wanted to leave it sometime before seeing new baby. It's not like she said she NEVER wanted to see the baby but would leave it about 6 weeks or so.

c. I did feel bad texting said friend but that's life. I felt torn TBH between feeling bad for friend who miscarried and happy for pregnany friend.

Does that mean I'm a bad person for feeling both or was I meant to choose in favour of pregnant friend?!

Like someone else has mentioned i too have become so much more aware of other peoples feelings since i became pregnant, and probably a good thing have become a lot more patient and tolerant of people.

Ive had a mc before i then had a friend 2 weeks later who knew announce she was pregnant but she did it in a tactfull way and sent me a lovely email the next day saying how she had felt so bad for having to tell me knowing what id just gone through, i explained that i would probably find it hard at first to be around her but would eventualy adjust given the time i needed to. she was lovely about this and has probably made our friendship stronger for it as she was so understanding and patient with me.

If shed of acted like a diva about it demaning i come and see her then i would of avoided at all costs to be honest and your diva friend may find this out if she carries on the way she has been!

A very close friend of mine was pg at the same time and lost her baby. I never, ever forgot it, even amongst the joy of my own pg and birth. (Don't want to say too much in case of outing but she worked with me so had to be involved in a lot of the milestone/line management things and I thought - still think - she was the bravest, strongest person I know.) It seemed the least I could do in return was consider her feelings... I'm no saint and I'm sure sometimes I got too over-excited, but frankly your friend sounds like a bitch.