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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being a complete diva about her first pregnancy

51 replies

mrsbertiewooster · 19/01/2012 22:34

Went to visit friend last weekend to celebrate upcoming birth of her FB. Night involved lots of wine drinking/gossip/funny baby shower gifts/supportive words.

She's 37 weeks pregnant and about to go.

Thing is, another very close friend of ours couldn't make it that evening because as it happened (totally fluke that it was same day) earlier that day she suffered her 2nd miscarriage (had one 6 months ago, on her first pregnancy, this mis was her second pregnancy) and had to go to hospital. Of course I spent some of the evening texting this friend comforting 'thinking of you' messages as she was in hospital. overnight Pregnant friend (we'll call her) seemed a bit impatient about this and said 'well, meanwhile, all is fine here with me', as if the I was stealing her limelight!

To top it off, and what makes me feel very uneasy about this, is that a close friend of Pregnant friend lost a baby from a rare condition when 6 months pregnant and would have been due the same time as her (in other words, also 37 weeks. (I have met this girl a few times and feel very bad for her, she had a funeral for her baby, etc)
Anyway, this girl who lost the baby said she'd leave it about 6 weeks before visiting Pregnany friend and the new baby. Pregnant friend said to me at the weekend that she was 'really pi**ed off' with her for not coming to see the new baby sooner!'

WTF??

Can she not see how difficult her friend might find this? Or is it that she doesn't want all this to add to her anxiety about upcoming labour, etc??

Are we all a bit wrapped up in ourselves when pregnant with FB (I forget as have 3 DC, 4 year old and 18 month old twins, seems like ages ago!), but come on!! How can she not be more empathetic?!

The world doesn't have to stop and revolve because she's having her first baby!? (sorry if that sounds a bit bitchy, just found her reactions v weird!)

AIBU?

OP posts:
PopcornMouse · 20/01/2012 11:12

She sounds awful. I don't think I'd have been able to not say something, tbh :(

ElizabethDarcy · 20/01/2012 16:11

She sounds terrible. Self centred.

After 10 years of being unable to have a child, I still get the 'why not?' look when I turn down baby shower invites, and I cannot... just cannot... go gaga over a newborn, I love babies (am a cm), but I won't and cannot gush, hugs and questions re baby of course (I share in their delight and am so happy that they've been blessed with a child!), but I cannot gush. Hurts too much. Just the way it is. I don't do fake.

purplepansy · 20/01/2012 16:22

Oooooh YANBU at all, if I was the pregnant one I'd have been absolutely mortified if my mate had MC on same day as my baby shower. She comes across as an insensitive cow who is going to be giving birth to the most PFB the world has ever seen by the sounds of it. Good luck :)

ClothesOfSand · 20/01/2012 16:27

Could it be, that she is part motivated by being freaked out at people losing babies when she is herself pregnant and can't handle the idea of things going wrong? So perhaps she is trying to change the subject because she can't handle thinking about death when she is so close to going through childbirth?

northerngirl41 · 20/01/2012 16:29

OP - I think you sound lovely to be concerned about the friend who miscarried that day and the one who was due on the same date...

But I'm also seeing where Complex is coming from - this was her party, about her pregnancy and it sounds like you were distracted by the others' news. To bring up miscarriages and things going wrong at a baby shower is a bit like talking about poo at the dinner table - simply not done!

I'd have quietly removed myself to text friend (in the loo/the kitchen etc) and put my phone on silent so the replies didn't disturb the party. And maybe just change subject if you see other friend getting upset or perhaps the conversation sailing the wrong way - and letting her know you know the story and were thinking of her in a quiet moment away from everyone else.

To label her Diva on the basis of this is a bit strong, but you were the one who was there, so only you can really say if she went over the top.

maddening · 20/01/2012 16:36

yanbu

my friend lost her baby at 7 months - he was due 4 weeks before my ds and it was a heart wrenching time- v difficult to face her for guilty feelings and imagining what she was going through - if anyone should be able to empathise it's your friend but she does sound too self absorbed - I would have had trouble not saying something about her attitude!

snoozin · 20/01/2012 17:02

I just want to add how I love these narcissistic women who get pregnant and think 'look at me! it's all about me!' Little do then know what is waiting round the corner once the baby comes (evil laugh hahahahaha)! You ain't number one no more, sister!

diddl · 20/01/2012 17:10

I do think that it was rude of you to keep texting tbh.

When I was pregnant with my first my best friend had had 3 miscarriages & said that she couldn´t bear to see me again until baby was a few months old as she couldn´t cope with pregnant women or newborns.

It was really hurtful tbh & I felt bad for being pregnant.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 20/01/2012 17:17

You think it was rude to text a friend who was going through a mc at that time? If I had been the 'diva' and found out afterwards that a guest at my party had ignored a friend going through a mc and asking for support just in case she upset me, I would have been mortified.

diddl · 20/01/2012 17:26

No I don´t think it´s rude to text her-unless she would rather have been left alone.

But I do think it´s rude to text whilst at a party.

KittyFane · 20/01/2012 17:28

Agree YANBU mainly but YABVU here: Of course I spent some of the evening texting this friend comforting 'thinking of you' messages as she was in hospital. At your other friend's baby shower?? You were being really rude here.

TadlowDogIncident · 20/01/2012 19:26

But the other friend had had the m/c that very day - I don't see that the OP could win here as if she'd decided not to go to the baby shower so that she could support the friend who'd miscarried, lots of people on here would have said she was being VU, and equally I assume she'd have felt terrible about ignoring texts from a friend who was going through something like that.

Adversecamber · 20/01/2012 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittyFane · 20/01/2012 20:00

OP says that the friend miscarried earlier in the day, the baby shower was in the evening. I would have texted and spoken to the friend in the day but wouldn't dream of texting (openly) at a party. Very rude, especially given the circumstances.

KittyFane · 20/01/2012 20:02

I don't agree that the OP sounds lovely :(

JestersHat · 20/01/2012 20:10

YANBU.

If she expects others to be pleased for her, the least she can do is be understanding and sensitive to others who are not as lucky.

ClothesOfSand · 20/01/2012 20:14

I agree with you Kitty. For the woman whose baby shower to comment on the texting, the OP must not only have texted but also announced to people that this miscarriage had happened that day and that she was texting the woman who was in hospital. I think that is a real bizarre, inappropriate and attention seeking thing to do at somebody else's baby shower.

I've had two children and also two miscarriages. I would not have wanted my miscarriage to be a subject of discussion at somebody else's baby shower.

Tildabewildered · 20/01/2012 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ClothesOfSand · 20/01/2012 20:16

Although possibly it is a misunderstanding and this was a one to one get together and not a thing of baby shower gifts as the OP has written.

KittyFane · 20/01/2012 20:17

Exactly my thoughts clothes.

OrmIrian · 20/01/2012 20:20

"Are we all a bit wrapped up in ourselves when pregnant with FB"

God yes! Which is perfectly natural but that shouldn't dry up the wells of compassion completely! She sounds utterly dreadful.

coodymow · 20/01/2012 20:40

you don't sound unreasonable. You're friend sounds horrid regardless of her first pregnancy, how utterly insensitive of her to make those comments about the other friends especially the friend whose baby would have been due the same time as hers.

I don't think all women get self obsessed and all me me me during their pregnancies, I know a few who did and thankfully once baby was born they soon returned to normal however I also know a few smug, self obsessed women who became even more self obsessed during their pregnancies. I think sometimes pregnancy just highlights the traits some women have already, mad pregnancy hormones just make them harder to hide.

Original poster
mrsbertiewooster · 20/01/2012 22:03

Hi all! Thanks for your replies and insights:)

Kitty just to clarify this was a get together with pregnant friend and her husband. The husband of my friend who miscarried rang me literally about an hour before meeting up with pregnant friend - when I was on the train going down to her, the plan was for us all to stay over for night of supporttive chats, etc. I stayed the night and of course celebrated with her - had dinner, wine (well I had wine:) and got her a few baby shower gifts.

So it was obvious that friend who miscarried wasn't there, and TBH, I only texted her twice over the night. Pregnant friend of course was sorry for her situation. I guess I was more shocked at her comment about her friend who lost baby and why she was avoiding her/avoiding coming to see the new baby.

Am hoping she'll be more empathetic when she sees her new baby comes along:)

Finally, want to apologise if I brought up any past experiences with other posters on here.

Good luck all x

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsbertiewooster · 20/01/2012 22:08

And just to add, of course I'm delighted for her upcoming new arrival and maybe I've forgotten what it's like to be expecting your PFB.

It does take over everything else to a degree

OP posts:
girlsyearapart · 21/01/2012 02:57

Thanks tilda
It was hard to know what to do for the best.
She has thankfully since gone on to have a gorgeous son, so happy for her!

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