To wonder if there's more to life than this and not have a clue how to get it

[WannaBeWildCosMyLifesSoTame]

I feel at a real crossroads in my life and don't know what to do about it. I've got a fairly happy marriage, a lovely daughter and a successful-ish career. We own our own home in a nice area (well the bank does but anyway), we're not very well off but not quite on the breadline although DH has recently been made redundant so that could change quite soon...

I think it's the redundancy that's started me thinking like this because neither of us has a clue what we really want to happen now - obviously DH needs to start earning again soon as his redundancy money won't last us long but he's not sure he wants to go back to a full-time job even if he could get one. I freelance from home and I think he'd like to do the same (we both do the same job) but the idea of surviving on 2 freelance salaries is very scary even if we could bring in enough business.

Money seems to be guiding what we will end up doing because of course we have to earn enough to cover our outgoings and I find that so depressing although I know it's a fact of life for most people! But it just makes me wonder what it's all for - working to earn to pay for 'things' and if you do well, being able to buy more 'things'. Surely there is more to life than that? Everyone seems so obsessed with 'stuff', me as much as anyone at times, but more and more lately I find myself getting pissed off with people being so materialistic - all my friends seem to think/talk about is their latest purchase.

I look to the future and I have no idea what I want it to consist of for us. When I was younger I imagined getting a job, buying a house, getting married, having kids etc but now what? Seems like the only milestones in my life will be DD's and then retirement. Is that really all I have to look forward to? I don't want to live through my child but I really can't see what's out there for me. I want something more but I don't know what and I don't know how to find out.

If anyone has got through this - well done! I'd very much appreciate some thoughts from other MNers having mid life crises, I surely can't be the only one that feels like this?

Wow, did I write that without knowing?

I surely can't be the only one that feels like this? You're not. Getting on that treadmill of family, work, home does ramp the pace of life up to warp speed, and looking back it can be hard to see where it's gone, or what you've 'done' with it.

But it is January again and gloomy thoughts abound...

YANBU.

It looks to me that you are really not doing things in your life that make you feel fulfilled and happy. There is no "point" or "sense" in life itself, it's the sense that you give it that counts. I would recommend you to stop buying all that "stuff" you talk about and seriously think about the things you would like to DO. Doing things is much more fulfilling than buying stuff.

For example, I have found great fulfillment in becoming part of the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, and mentoring a child with difficulties. Volunteering in general is a fantastic way of appreciating your life, as it gives you a real perspective. It also puts you in contact with many other happy, fulfilled people. I also enjoy spending some of my weekends in the country, hiking, going to the beach. Other people enjoy exercising, running, and organizing and participating in sport activities. Starting a hobby is another way of enjoying your time: how about learning a new language, or creative writing, or painting?

having long-term plans for big projects is also a way to keep you focused and excited about the future. For example, I am already planning to retrain, and in the future, spend 2-3 months a year volunteering in the Third World. It is still far away, but thinking about it makes me happy.

Part of the problem may have been that mentality of: "I will find a man, get married, get a house, have children". It is a very cliquey and closed way of looking at life. I have no children (by choice), but I haven't felt a single minute that my life has no meaning. in fact, I would probably need 3 lives to do all the things I want to do :). There are heaps of things out there for you, but you won't find them unless you actively go out and look for them! I believe the first step is actually sit down and decide: what do you really want to do?

You are one of the privileged people in the world who actually have a choice. Don't waste it!

Good luck :)

I try not to view it as needing money to buy "things", more as needing money to enable me to do nice activities with my sons, which will give them a happy and fulfilling childhood. To do that you don't need a fortune, but you do need enough to feel secure and able to pay the bills.

If I get to retirement knowing I gave my sons a nice upbringing, with a good mix of activities, time with me, interesting experiences etc - then it will all have been worthwhile.

Maybe that counts as "living through my children", but at the moment they are my life so it makes sense to me.

It is called an existential crisis and to me shows you are an intelligent and sensitive person

I went through my crisis recently and discovered writing. Along with my family it gives me direction and purpose. You just need to find your passion, something that absorbs you.

I am touched to hear that someone else is sick of materialism. To me those who are obsessed with buying 'things' for the sake of it are a bit souless

Have you read "How to be Idle" and "How to be Free" by Tom Hodgkinson? I can thoroughly recommend them to someone with such thoughts!

MixedBerries no I haven't but I'm off to Amazon for a look now. I'm pleased to hear feeling like this shows I am sensitive and intelligent :) and that I'm not alone. I realise how lucky I am to have a choice but that's my problem, I don't know what it is that I want to choose - how spoilt does that sound?!

I do feel my life needs some more meaning but I already do a lot of the things that should give me that:

• we spend a lot of time together as a family (both as the 3 of us and with extended family). I desperately wish I'd had more children but I am happy with my little family as it is

• we have a good circle of friends (although I often think there's nobody who really 'gets' me)

• we enjoy going out walking, alone or as a family

• I enjoy gardening and cooking with DD (both supposedly fulfilling activities)

• I read loads (getting lost in a book is one of the things I love most, I can't imagine my life without reading)

• I have recently started sewing (although the group of friends I meet with seem to spend more time talking about school gossip than what they're making :()

• I have a creative job (although these days I spend much less time actually being creative and more arguing with clients about money and doing paperwork :()

• I've been involved with several local volunteering projects - was both Secretary and Chair of the PTA at DD's school and produced the village newsletter until recently when work commitments forced me to give it up. I have found doing these things fulfilling (and often fun) but sometimes a bit thankless, and with time and money being tight I felt I should concentrate my energies elsewhere

In some ways the future is wide open to us now my DH is not tied to his job in London but it is a scary time to be thinking about trying something new, even if I could decide what that was - if I knew what I wanted at least we would have something to aim for even if we had no chance of actually getting it.

Rent out your house, buy an awesome camper van and head out into the world?

Sounds flaky but perhaps getting out of our consumerist culture and living somewhere else might help?

Do you know I would absolutely love to do that. I haven't travelled much and I'm not fussed about seeing the world especially but there's loads of this country that I've never been to and would like to see. Bit of a cliche though isn't it, giving it all up for a more simple life? And what do you do about the practicalities like kids going to school?

At the age of 31, I gave up my nicely paid respectable job in London to move to the Welsh countryside. I'm now 33 and live in a little cottage in a little village with my local DP and DS. The cost of living is about 1/4 of what it was in London so I can afford to not to work for a couple of years while I bring up DS.

Before DS was born (3 months ago) I spent my time on my veg plot, working in local charity shop and reading, sewing, going for walks in the mountains or beach, gathering cockles for dinner etc. In a couple of years I'm planning to go self employed part time. It does get a bit boring sometimes if compared to London but it balances out well.

Of course, everyone's situation is different and I was lucky that I didn't have a family in tow when I moved (although a family could be supportive) but this is the best decision I made. And it can be done abroad too- my dad relocated us to the USA, Mexico and Spain when we were kids (albeit small 'uns). We went to the schools there no problem even though we didn't speak the language at first.

I'm with discobeaver. But the age of your kids will play a part with regard to the schooling.

I agree OP - things do not bring long-term happiness. Society has made things their Idol. What I instantly thought of when I read your post was that you are not addressing your "spiritual" side. Everyone has one.

At the centre of my life is my faith - it gives meaning to (and informs) everything I do. That doesn't mean I never struggle, but it does mean that I know I am unconditionally loved. I am a Christian BTW - which I know is uncool in today's society, but I don't care!

So my question would be - have you been ignoring your spiritual side?

Disco beaver
I did that, flaky but fun
And I will never take running water for granted again!

I would agree with zozzle - spirituality seems to be missing... This can mean church, a structured religious faith (as it does for me, in part) but it can also mean getting in touch with what you are really truly passionate about.

Seems like the only milestones in my life will be DD's and then retirement.

This was a key phrase for me in your OP - that does sound kind of depressing and limiting. I think you need to start something new - be that a move/travel, a new career, hobby, creative passion - something that will give you milestones, something to look forward to. Only you can know what that should be.

On the other hand, sometimes it is actually/also about seeing life in a different way, rather than doing something different...

Some suggestions for books are:

On creativity/getting in touch with your inner 'Artist' - The Artist's Way

On spirituality:
A classic: The Road Less Travelled
A newer one (Christian): Do Nothing to Change Your Life
One about mindfulness/meditation (Buddhist): The Miracle of Mindfulness

I don't know if any of this is relevant/helpful to you - feel free to ignore if not of course! :)

Did you ifailedthehearingtest? Where did you go?
I travelled and worked abroad pre kids, would love to do it again.
How old is your daughter OP? How about home schooling, or just local schooling for a year or so? I think most kids are pretty adaptable and think of the language learning possibilities . . .

Oh dear, it's turingtest not hearing test! Sorry!
What is a Turing test?

zozzle I am not in the slightest bit religious, in fact I am quite cynical about it, but I very much envy those who are and I don't look down on it at all - it must be wonderful to feel that you have 'something' helping you through life's ups and downs.

ViolaCrayon I do feel like I need something new in my life but time, money and my lack of knowing what are getting in the way! As I said my job is creative but not really in the way I want any more - I studied for years to do this but I'm just sitting in front of a computer when it comes down to it, I do have to think creatively and have produced some nice work but it's not what I imagined I'd be doing. I can see ways I could change/improve that but they all involve financial outlay and the possibility of not much gain - the age old problem for creative types! I took up sewing because I thought it might fill the gap and to a certain extent it does but I don't have much time to spend on it because of my paid work - God I sound so negative don't I, every time someone makes a suggestion I shoot it down in flames!

discobeaver DD is 9 and quite settled at school - as she doesn't have siblings it seems important to me that she should be with children she has known all her life but sometimes I wonder whether a move would be as much of a problem for her as I think. I can see her beginning to develop some attitudes and ideas that I'm not completely comfortable with and would love to address that before it's too late but I know I need to be realistic - changing areas or circumstances is not going to solve everything and I'm sure a lot of it is just part of growing up and would happen wherever we were.

Just another coming out in support and agreement with you OP. Both dh and I are on the same page, which helps. Will think and write more when not on phone.

Just to say we have discussed renting the house out and buggering off in the future, similarly perhaps buying a yacht and living on that for a while. Maybe maybe.

I went through a similar process last year. The solution for me was volunteering. I didn't want to do something like the PTA because although it's vital to the school, it didn't seemed to make that much difference socially IYSWIM. I wanted to do something much more focused on the local community, more challenging and that while sometimes thankless, can be said to make a real difference. I can't disclose what it is, but I'm sure there are numerous things that would fall into this category. A second choice for me would be volunteering at a women's refuge, for example.

Good luck. I'm sure you'll come up with something.

I am so with you OP, I could have written your post. I think for women there's such a lot of pressure to follow the path of get a good job, meet the right man, get married, have babies... But then it seems to just skip to die! I am going through a very similar thought process where the only things in my future are to do with my kids and I am far too young to live vicariously through them. However, I don't really want to do more studying, my job is perfect in that it pays well, I'm part time and term time only so I'd be insane to just change on a whim and I know full well that if I did change it would take years to retrain and get to a similar position - and for what??

I also took up sewing and lately cross stitch just to see if a hobby would help, but how much life satisfaction can you get through that?! I really just want to have something to look back on when I'm old that I can say "see, I did THAT... I was somebody".

I suspect the only solution for me is to shut up and realise how bloody lucky I am to have everything I ever wanted! Maybe I should get that mindfulness book...

Sorry, no help at all but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Maybe we should start a support group?!

I kind of know how you feel. I often sit here wondering what I actually want out of life. Yes I'd like to find someone, get married, be domestically happy - I'm on my way to success in my chosen career - all well and good but then what?

I think it must be like winning the lottery - great for a while but after a bit - now what? I think Human nature is to constantly want more, Human's need something to strive for, things to look forward to.

For me personally, this has now become travel. I can't imagine I will get to see all the places I want to see before I die but that carrot is forever keeping me going and giving me both something to aim for and something to look forward to.

I guess I felt a bit like that last year, we'd had dd's and got married, we still have to worry about how much we earn because we have loans and credit cards and would like to save up and buy a house at some point and I did try to focus on those but I still felt something was missing for me personally, I wasn't being challenged enough so I signed up to do my NVQ3 in child care (as I'm a childminder) and I started painting murals/ canvas' (have a look on my profile if you fancy being nosey ) and NOW I have completed my NVQ3 and I've now also got an art studio and I've arranged my work life so I have about 10 hours a week in my studio and I'm setting myself challenges and it's brilliant! I've also taken on a role in the community to do with the local arts festival and it's brought me great satisfaction so far because it's nice to be part of the community and to feel I help to run something that gives people pleasure. hth

Lovemygirls, I LOVE your murals! They are so happy and colorful :).

Thank you aurynne, I'm off to the studio today to work on another one, I'll post pics in a few weeks

What boglach said. You sound intelligent and thoughtful, and rather a high achiever - seems you have got everything you wanted from life so far and are ready to aim higher! Fancy politics? We probably need people like you to represent us

Although I would also read Revolutionary Road or similar and don't shy from the question: "Am I being a spoiled selfish arse?" I'm not saying you are, but it never hurts to ask