To be annoyed with my sister

[fridakahlo]

for referring to my ds and dd as her babies. Specifically ending an e-mail with 'How are my babies?'
Probably, yes?

why does it make you look insecure as a mother Davsmum just because you don't like someone calling your babies theirs?
that sounds just as "mad" to me
they are not her sister's babies
her sister didn't give birth to them nor does she help raise them
i would find it disrespectful
my ex MIL used to do it when DS1 was a baby, along with picking him up without asking when he was newborn and not giving him back when he was crying, really crying.
to me it's potentially more about other people not respecting you as a mother and taking over rather than the mother being insecure

For goodness sake,.. Her sister is not kidnapping the babies. She is using an affectionate expression which shows how much she loves them !
She doesn't mean they ARE her babies !
I suspect her sister wants to be close to her sister and the children !

Of course it comes across as insecure.. Its like the mother has been challenged over 'ownership'.. BTW - we do not own our children anyway - we are caretakers and teachers until they are ready to fly the nest !
I doubt very much it is disrespectful - Its about how her sister feels about the children, not about their mother !

BTW, when did I say we own our children?
I didn't, and your lecture on not owning our children comes across as extremely patronising. Please refrain from lecturing me on parenting when you know nothing about me or my family, it's supremely arrogant and deeply misguided, imho

But, mayagold what were you doing if not lecturing?? None of us know anything about MN posters families,we are just swapping views!

It sounds like it is just a term of endearment so it wouldn't worry me. It seems good that she cares and wants to know how they are.

I really thought I was just giving my opinion, which is imo quite different from telling someone "BTW -we do not own our children anyway......." I apologise unreservedly if my posts came across as lecturing, but I can't see any, truly. Please in all seriousness point out where I've done this so I can guard against future lecturing :)
I also feel here is a significant difference between airing a view and telling ONE person on the thread that BTW, childrearing is x, which is what Davsmum appears to have done
Along with the exclamation marks after every sentence, her post came overto me as condescending, and I didn't feel that was warranted.
And to clarify things, what I meant when I said it's like she's trying to take ownership...is that "my" is a possessive word, as in that's mine, I own it. That's how it's generally used. You don't walk into your sister's house and say, how is my house? Perhaps for many it's ok for people to use the term "my" babies when talking about babies who are not their babies but in my family it was one of the many things my MIL did/said as a way of taking over and commandeering my ds1 when he was very small. It's not always as simple as being just an affectionate term, in my experience. That's all I'm trying to say. And perhaps I'm oversensitive about it because my MIL seemed to love trying to undermine me at every available opportuntiy, including making my firstborn "hers"

Sorry if I've offended anyone :)

I can see both points of views. Most of my family and my husband's family say "my babies", and it's just a natural expression of affection. I don't mind at all!

But there is one person, from whom such utterances are not appreciated, because I know that they don't care a whit, and it's just public posturing for effect. That annoys me.

YABU

It annoys me too! Dont worry you are not alone!!! Might sound petty to some but, my son is MY BABY (i might share him with his dad if iam feelibg generous- lol just joking!) but it really bugs me!

You are definitely not being unreasonable!

Mayagoldmama,

I would not have added the comment about not owning our children,..had YOU not brought up the subject of 'ownership'
Perhaps,.. as well as being insecure and over sensitive with regard to your MiL,.. you are also being oversensitive to my comments.
Why do you think you can make strong comments and air your view but you see others comments as 'lecturing' ?
Sorry if it 'offends' you but I think to get upset or threatened over a close relative using the term 'my babies' about your children comes across as insecure.
If you don't like something just tell the person not to do it again instead of getting offended at what you see as a lack of respect.

That doesn't make your comment ok davsmum IMO
er, and when did I say I was insecure about my MIL? I didn't. She was a tyrant and a bully and eg standing up to her in front of 40 relatives I'd never met before at a party isn't easy when she's demanding again and again that she give my 6 month old son honey.... despite your telling me it's as simple as just to tell her not to do something.
I don't know why you think it's ok to keep telling me what I should do. Did I ask for your advice? No. Enough please.

You didn't say you were insecure. I said that based on what you have said about the situation.
I can't say I would find it difficult to tell someone to stop doing something I didn't like with my own children. I would not be a very good protector if I did. People will do what they are allowed to get away with - so don't let them get away with it - or if you do - don't moan about it. How does she know you don't like it if you say nothing ? Perhaps she felt it was ok to give her grandchild something ?

No - you did not ask for my advice and I am not giving advice. I am giving my view on a situation - which is fair enough seeing as you put it on a public forum where people will comment on what you say.
Pity you did not feel able to have a go at your MiL in the same way you are having a go at me ?

YANBU and I get what you mean about the childcare thing. I have a friend who I've known since school but we have not been close for a long time and she refers to herself as Auntie but couldn't even be arsed to make it to DS's first birthday and has gone a year at a time without seeing him. Its the mixture of wanting the prestige or whatever that might come with close association without actually going to the effort of it.

There you go again..... don't do this, don't do that. It really does come across as very patronising and rude.

I am not having a go at you. I am disagreeing with you. If anything it's the other way round. I feel like you are browbeating me and lecturing me AGAIN because I won't agree with you.

And again you make assumptions and draw conclusions which are false. For the record, OF COURSE I did stand up for and protect my child. Four times I explained that I did not want him to have honey and why. MIL kept telling me it was fine, she gave it to her children and look, they were fine. No really, it's fine. Here, it will be good for him. It's not a problem. On and on. When you are surrounded by lots of strangers and you are from a different race than everyone else in the room and you are being told over and over again that you are wrong, like I said, without being rude to someone, it is not easy, despite what you think. Maybe you wouldn't find that situation difficult but then maybe you are like my MIL and when other people ask you to respect their views with a good reason you ignore them and keep telling them what's right and what's wrong because you say so.

Hey ho, banging my head against a brick wall here, really can't face trying to ask you again to try to understand that some things aren't as simple and straightforward for people other than yourself as you seem so sure they always are.

Apologies fridakahlo for going off the subject in hand, and I hope things get easier with your sister.

I am not trying to upset you Mayagoldmama,..

Of course its not easy for everyone to stand up to people. My own MiL was exactly like yours but I assumed it was just her way - and she did it thinking she was being helpful. I had to tell her quite a few times, politely to stop doing something,.. but when she ignored my polite requests it was her own fault when she got told firmly and in no uncertain terms. At that point I was not really bothered what anyone else who was there thought. If they had any sense they could see it the way it was. I DID find the situation unfortunate but not difficult. I would rather the silly woman would have listened but she was not used to being told what she could or could not do by anyone.

Anyway,.. Simply, I DO think it is unreasonable to get annoyed with someone for somehting as trivial as saying 'my babies' in the circumstances described by the OP.

My MIL also does this, it gives me a little twinge of annoyance but not enough to be bothered mentioning it or causing an argument about it.

What really annoys me is when i take my DS there and she shoves him full of snacks saying 'does mummy not feed you' (my DP was put on a diet at 1yr because he was too fat to stand up) and if he has a little bruise says 'did mummy hit you/push you down the stairs' which she is only joking by saying but still, implying i cannot care for of have abused my own child DP told me to take a chill pill as it's just her way, well, I know that but it makes my blood boil!!!