Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to try it on my own first?? MIL issues

30 replies

Flowerydems · 19/01/2012 15:01

I'm having a bit of a crisis of confidence.

I have the dentist next week and it's only a 20 min appt so I'm taking the baby with me. MIL has offered to look after him but I've declined because I'm getting to the point with his colic that I'm scared to take him out the house in case he kicks off (not good for him or me at the moment)

However there is another reason I don't want her to take him, she's constantly telling me I'm spoiling him when I'm giving him cuddles and then goes and does exactly the same thing. I'm now getting to the point where everytime I give him a cuddle I'm worried in case he turns out spoiled but she's still doing it. She nearly mowed DH down trying to get to him when he snuffled the other day. I really don't want her to help cause she never gives the baby back when I ask and won't listen when I tell her I know how to settle him.

AIBU to just want to try things on my own for a bit. He's just turned 7 weeks so I want him to get to know his mummy without her getting involved and it seems like she's desperate for me to crack and ask for help but it's getting to the point where I'm pushing myself to be able to cope with all the screaming from the colic just to prove to her I can do this!!

I know I must seem a bit unreasonable but I just can't handle only mine and DH's opinion and need some input.

xx

OP posts:
TapirBackRider · 19/01/2012 15:05

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. He's your baby, not hers. She needs to back off and let you spend time enjoying being his mum, not worrying about the nonsense she's spouting.

What does your dh say about her behaviour? Is it possible that he'll have a quiet word with her and let her know her behaviour is not on?

bleedingheart · 19/01/2012 15:05

Cuddling your baby won't spoil him. If you really can't bear the idea of your MIL babysitting take him with you but to be honest, I'd find it easier to relax at the dentist if I was on my own. 20mins to yourself, even at the dentist, can be good for the psyche too!
Does she refuse to give him back or does she not realise you are seriously requesting her to? Does she respond to humour? I would perhaps try 'Come on now granny, don't you go spoiling him, hand him over! ' said with a smile and through gritted teeth! I hope it gets better for you.

pantspantspants · 19/01/2012 15:11

Ok, firstly you cannot spoil a baby. What they need from you they ask for, you are just meeting those needs. You DS has spent 9ish months getting exactly what he needed and you didn't spoil him then and won't now.

Secondly its your baby, take him if you want, do what you feel is right. Don't listen or let her interfere with him. Learn to take control of situations then she can't.

pantspantspants · 19/01/2012 15:12

*your

ArtexMonkey · 19/01/2012 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 19/01/2012 15:25

Ask her to come to the dentists with you, then she can wait with the baby while you go in for your appointment.

A screaming baby is not going to be much fun for anyone in the surgery, so at least she could walk around outside with him.

Thankgodforcaffeine · 19/01/2012 15:28

I agree that cuddles have never spoilt a baby, in fact it will reassure your ds that you are there for him when he needs you. And he does need you when he is colicky!

As for your MIL she needs to understand that YOU are the mother and therefore YOU call the shots. Be gentle but firm and the message should get through eventually.

Have you considered taking your ds to see an ostheopath? It worked wonders for ds (now 9 mo); the colic just stopped it was like flicking a switch!

CamberwickGreen · 19/01/2012 16:02

i doubt if he will be spoilt by a 20 minute cuddle

you are being a teensy weensy, well a lot really, daft :)

Ragwort · 19/01/2012 16:05

I think you would be mad to take a seven week old baby to the dentist.

I am sure your MIL is only trying to help, believe me - you will be grateful one day if you have someone to babysit and look after your child.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/01/2012 16:07

I think you are making things deliberately hard for yourself, tbh.

The cuddles thing is something people of an older generation say but don't mean, she obviously doesn't otherwise she wouldn't cuddle him!
Let her help, and just smile and nod at any advice you don't want to take.

There are no medals for struggling on alone, and you admit yourself that it has got daft.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/01/2012 16:07

Yes to answer the actual dentist part, you are mad to try and take a 7 week old to the dentist.

Lueji · 19/01/2012 16:10

It's probably for less than one hour, not full time during the week.
I'd let MIL have him.

breatheslowly · 19/01/2012 16:16

I probably wouldn't take him to the dentist. But I would also try to nip the irritating MIL thing in the bud. You DH needs to step in and sort her out. And cuddling a baby, particularly one in pain or distress is the right thing to do. She has had her turn as a mother and her baby/babies were individuals with very different needs to yours. She made the decisions then and you make them now.

ArtexMonkey · 19/01/2012 16:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

breatheslowly · 19/01/2012 16:17

Do you have any other family locally? Could they help out instead?

notso · 19/01/2012 16:18
  1. Don't be scared to go out of the house with him, it will not be good for you to be cooped up for days on end, and fresh air is lovely for babies also.
  1. Accept help, this is something you have to learn to do. There is nothing wrong with having a break every now and then.
I found my in-laws a bit over-bearing with my newborns but would happily let them take them out for a walk for an hour, I couldn't see what they were doing 'wrong' and got a rest, they got their fix of cuddles and endless winding that they seem to love to do.
  1. Don't take your baby to the dentist with you, there is every chance he might sleep right through the appointment, but on the other hand he might scream the place down, and you won't be able to have your treatment.
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/01/2012 16:24

Artex - because the OP is struggling as it is to go out with him because of the colic and crying. If her confidence is low then why go into a situation that could be horrendous - dentist running late/OP running late/crammed waiting room/screamy baby. Why set herself up for a fall when there is someone who loves him who would be very happy to look after him and take the stress out of the situation?

OP - don't feel you can't take him anywhere though, take him for walks, to cafes etc - places where you can just come home when you are ready and not feel under pressure. In a few weeks it will all get so much easier, honestly.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 19/01/2012 16:29

If your dentist is anything like mine it is not baby friendly at all. MIL looked after my fairly newborn DD when I had a couple of dentist appointments and to be honest it was good for the soul as after appointment I popped for a coffee/bit of shopping and returned couple of hours later much more relaxed. DD had screamed the whole time I had been away apparently and MIL was a bit flustered but the important thing was learning to leave DD and get a bit of me time.

Newmummytobe79 · 19/01/2012 18:00

You poor thing. I don't think this is really anything to do with the dentist offer but how she is making you feel.

I think the overbearing behaviour is the issue (I have it too) but if it helps at all, mine has eased up - slightly.

During the first couple of months if I'd have been told 'you're doing the best you can' in a patronising voice one more time I would have screamed! Ring any bells?

In all honesty I wouldnt go to the dentist just you and baby - do you have a friend who can go with you? Or if all else fails - ask her to go with you both.

I'm sure in the future you may want to leave baby with MIL but 7 weeks is still very young so just do what you feel best doing.

Good luck :)

nomoreminibreaks · 19/01/2012 18:24

I took my 8 week old DS to the dentist but DH came too. He was no trouble at all bit I can appreciate you're nervous about it. Could a friend watch him or come with you and don't tell MIL?

I understand you not wanting to give her the power/satisfaction - she would annoy me too. My MIL talks about how she was left out in the garden to cry to exercise her lungs!

I'd figure out ways of asserting yourself without getting angry - saying 'come on now, mummy's turn for a cuddle now you've had one from Grandma!' or 'It's funny you should say that, I looked it up and people now know you can't spoil a baby by cuddling so I can give him lots of cuddles' or 'well I've decided this is what we're going to do but thanks for the suggestion'.

Original poster
Flowerydems · 19/01/2012 19:18

Thanks for all the responses, I did think that the dentist might be a little much for DS so I've re-arranged the appointment for a couple of weeks time when DH can get home early from work.

Now all I need to do is work out how to stand my ground with MIL and then I might begin to feel comfortable with her having him.

OP posts:
pantspantspants · 19/01/2012 19:32

When she goes against you, look her in the eye, say firmly no, then calmly repeat your wishes or ask for him to be handed over. Repeat if needed. Simple but effective.

Took my MIL 2 visits with DD1 before she understood I wasn't backing down and now she does as requested and we have a balanced relationship.

exoticfruits · 19/01/2012 19:33

I don't think that you can cuddle a baby too much-and he will know that you are his mother!
Some people seem to think there is only so much love to go around and loving one takes it from another!
As he gets older no doubt you will both relax-he is after all his own person-not a possession.

bumpsnowjustplump · 19/01/2012 19:38

As a side note have you taken your ds to an osteopath re his colic. I have a 9 week old DD used to scream all the time wouldn't be put down and was unsettled during feeds. She is like a new baby after our treatment I really highly recomend osteopath visit for any new born to check everything is in line and baby isn't in any discomfort.

As for MIL I have no idea mine is the same and she makes my blood boil, I just have to grit my teeth and smile but it is very hard..

Heswall · 19/01/2012 19:43

The receptionists at the dentist will bite your hand off at the opportunity to cuddle a new baby whilst you are dealt with, pop in and ask first - with the newborn so they can be tempted. If they say no then there are worse people than your MIL to look after him.