to want a horse? (Somewhat influened by saint Jilly)

[AtYourCervix]

Took DD to this place today where she'll be doing a short course rather than going to school (like she should be, bt she won't, so this is something to do)

Anyway.

Niiiice horses. All rescued and retired.

all horsey and soft and inquisitive bless them.

So I have decided, based on my extensive knowledge of horses, gleaned from in-depth study of Jilly Cooper books, that I'd rather like one of my own.

Only the garden isn't very big and I really have no idea what horses eat - except from polos and being stuffed with carrots.

I shall reread Riders and Polo and jump and consider getting my own.

What shall I call it?

Riders, Polo, you might as well read Lace while you're at it then .

Name = depends what colour it is :)

It's been 12 years since I had mine and I still miss her. I just can't afford one and don't have the time to be out there every day. Horses tend to eat horse feed, we used to add garlic powder and apples for a bit of variety (I hate the smell of garlic but the powder smells gorgeous). Very rarely had polos or anything like that, feeding from the hand can encourage biting as they can assume that you always have something in your hand and try to get it.

Tis lovely when you are grooming them and they do you at the same time.

How do you look in jodpurs, leather boots and a riding crop? This is important when keeping a horse as there are some fit farriers around. Not so glamorous mucking out at 6 am on dark winter morning then doing the school run smelling of horse wee - it lingers really badly!

Its a killer mucking out before an early shift.

I miss mine though tbh

Silly! They dont eat, and they definitely dont poo! They stand all day with their heads over immaculate stable doors, and wuffle your pockets when you talk to them. They are looked after by hunky stableboys, who are permanently available for rolls in the hay, and never get 'complicated'!

Hmm how hard can it be?!

Don't forget your rucksack and fold away shovel for the poop-a-scooping mid ride

Not many horsey men are like Billy or Rupert.

Most are odd-looking gays. Or horrible ugly, arrogant wankers who treat women terribly because they're outnumbered 20:1.

Horses eat money, not carrots.

You could call it Money Burner. Or Rib Fracturer. Or That Bastard. Or Knobhead. Or Darling.

I've called one of mine all of the above the last couple of days.

Silly! They dont eat, and they definitely dont poo! They stand all day with their heads over immaculate stable doors, and wuffle your pockets when you talk to them. They are looked after by hunky stableboys, who are permanently available for rolls in the hay, and never get 'complicated'!

I shall tell dpony later about the glamour as I stand in the dark, in a muddy field, wearing an attractive layer of hay.

After an hour mucking out and grooming you will be wearing a lovely new fragrance called "eau de horse piss" - tis lovely and refreshing and particularly strong when you go indoors!

CMOT - I've just spent an hour in a windy field with my mad horse twirling about on the end of a rope (he's on box rest and needs in hand grazing) and have come in with fresh red cheeks and a very desirable "through the hedge backwards" look about me. There's nothing glamorous about real horses at all - I should keep them at arm's length AYC!

hmmmm. sounds like i'll be needing to get some men help in for the mucking, whirling and pissing bits.

also not sure about my arse in joddies either.

i quite like horsey though.

Send your DCs to Bedales.

They teach ironwork there that can easily be expanded to farriery. It might even prove cost effective if you end up with several of the blighters.

Frosty - your post reads like a stealth boast to me That sounds like heaven.

I would love to have a horse again one day. Thought I might be able to justify it if one of the DCs was interested but sadly, no luck. I've had to ban myself from Jilly Cooper horse-porn. It can be triggering as I am a closet, non-practicing, pony-mad grown-up. My fantasy horses are a bay called Cadbury and a little, scruffy Shetland called Rags. I do that cheek "clicking" noise at my dog and children when I want them to move along and I have kept all my Breyer models and secretly rearrange them when no one is looking.

I think you're being very laissez-faire about this to be honest OP. You have many important decisions to make when it comes to such a big purchase.
For example, do you want a delinquent pony that eats everyone's herbaceous border, a dangerous enormous steed (but soft at heart, you only find this out just before he dies at Aintree), or a soft white scruffy ladyhorse who often wanders into your kitchen?
There is much to consider.

Hmm maybe just buy some horsey get up and hang round Pony Club meets so that you can cop off with a Rupert type so you can enjoy the glamour of riding with grooms to do the dirty work, not to mention shagging Rupe

Dpony says that all the best boys are wearing a thick layer of mud this season, and having in his ears is most avant guarde. It was blowing a gale up there, and I picked up ds from after school club in mud encrusted wellies, grotty waterproof and hay layer.
Its the every day, through the winter care thats tough

Don't forget they also eat marmite on toast whilst gently nuzzling into your sholder.

I have horseys. They are lovely but sadly as yet, have not won any polo matches featuring sexy Euro-princes who fall for my jodphur clad thighs or bagged me a Campbell Black type :(

I must not be giving them enough marmite on toast :(

I suppose I ought to put you off. Here are some of the Bad Things my horses have done to me:-
Horse 1: Put in dirty stops at 2 large hedges while galloping so that I went flying off over the other side like the lad in War Horse.
Horse 2: Cost me many 100s of £££ in vets bills by trying to kill herself in many inventive ways.
Horse 3: Crushed my hand against an iron breech bar so that the said hand resembled a huge, deformed, green hand. Also bit my hand in the dark because she thought my fingers were carots. Would not let go. Chucked me off for no reason and stamped all over me.
Horse 4: Tries to groom me like I am another horse, which involves biting my bottom. Also managed to rip half her cheek off on a rail which also cost £100s to sew up.
Actually they are lovely, you should get one :-)

My friend got given a pony for Christmas . It's a miniature one. I think it would fit rather nicely into my London garden; I shall have to persuade a friend to buy me one too.

Horsey gear is not all that! Jodhpurs show up everything you have to show, and if you wear cream ones, that aren't exactly the right size, you look naked, and they have a horrible habit of splitting when you bend over! The boots give you blisters, and if the nice tweed jacket fits round the bust, the arms will be too long!
I've been to a few pony club rallies, and believe me, there are NO fit blokes. There are PC mummys, in navy pleats, loafers and Alice bands, and there are instructors. They are always women, who are always short and lumpy, and wear very old waxed jackets with string in the Pockets and ancient wellies!
In general, the fit blokes tend to be farriers or vets. And unfortunately, farriers and vets tend to be accompanied by large bills!
Any horsey bloke you are likely to meet, will be long and lean and look like chewed up string, or short and fat with a 'ruddy' complexion! And a red nose!

Oh, and you can't just have one horse. One horse would be lonely. You can't have two, because yOu can only ride one at a time, and the one you leave behind will be lonely. You have to have three, so you can ride one and leave 2 behind.
If you have three, you won't have time to meet a sexy bloke, because you will spend your whole life shovelling shit, mucking out and pandering to the every whim of your three steeds!

Oh, and the rule is, if you have a scary whizzy horse, you call it Snuggles, or Sweety Pie, and if you have a quiet, boring old plod, you have to call it Rocket, or Satan! All chestnut horses must be called Ginger or Conkers, and all white ones must be called Snowy!