AIBU to want my daughter's name changed back to mine?

[LookForwardNotBack]

Hi everyone, this is my first post so please be gentle with me.

In short, my exP and I separated a year ago due to the fact that he didn't love me and didn't want his future with me.

Now when our child was born 3 years ago I was very naive and was under the impression he and I would eventually marry and so I agreed to give her his surname. I put his name on the birth certificate and gave her his surname.

Now, once we split up I felt extremely unhappy with the fact she would still carry his surname. We never married and so I wish for her to have the same surname as me.

I understand as he legally has parental rights I would need to get his written consent to change this which I know he would not agree to.

I wouldn't go as far as to take to court but I was thinking of having her "known as" my surname for nursery and then school just keeping her official name for official documents etc.

AIBU?

Yes and no. YANBU to feel the way you do. I wish we would end this default assumption of changing surnames on marriage and children adopting the father's surname (in or out of marriage) since 9 out of 10 times when a relationship ends (and 2 in 3 do) the children will stay with the mother. It makes more sense for the child to keep the mother's name, which would at least be constant and prevent issues at school or a sense of not belonging, etc.

However, that's a decision that really should be made before the child is born, not at the point when the relationship ends. It can become confusing for the child and make them feel that 1/2 of them isn't 'good enough' IYSWIM.

What's your XP's involvement with your DD? If he is still involved then her name is very much a link to him and a vital part of her identity. If he's not involved, however, I wouldn't have a problem with the 'known as' solution.

Totally agree with sunshineandbooks. Also, what matters is that your DD has any disruption to her life minimised. Her parents have split up which is enough to cope with, without her name changing too. Your DD is as much a part of him as she is of you and it really is something that should be decided before a child is born rather than later.

Now when our child was born 3 years ago I was very naive and was under the impression he and I would eventually marry

could have been avoided if you had married first :)

HTH

Hi Sunshine, thanks for replying.

He does have limited contact with her, 2 nights a week. At first it was more but it's always been on his terms, all i've ever insisted on is continuity when it comes to contact.

He pays his money for her each month with no problems and he's cut his weekend contact with her a few months ago because he has to work (he had to get a second job because he moved into a flat which he simply couldn't afford dispite having an empty house further out of the city which he owns but is trying to sell - apparently him living in it would make it less sellable and it's not in an area he likes!? That's a whole other story though!!)

I understand the link between them, I'd never want to take that away. She lives with me and my new partner, she knows who her father is and loves him of course. As the months go on though I am starting to see also she is just not his first priority which makes me sad for her.

I guess I just feel a little duped, I gave her the name that I thought was going to be our family name, all of us. I feel like a name is very much a big part of someone's identity and in my heart of hearts she's a (insert my surname here)

Camberwick - I agree, young love can be foolish and I have learnt my lesson.

Canberwick if they had married first her DC would still have his name and they'd e going through a divorce... So no that doesn't help!

So,.. If you and your new partner marry,.. would you change her name again to YOUR new name or leave her with your maiden name ?
This could feasibly happen several times.

YABU.

It wouldn't be 'changing her name back' as you said in your title, because she has never had your name.

She is as much a part of her father as she is a part of you.

I understand why you feel the way you do, but you would be taking your own negative feelings about the situation out on your little girl. She should not have to be affected in such a fundamental way because you didn't plan things properly when you had her. She would be the one that is stuck with the descison, and she would have to declare it when she tries to get married, get a passport and probably a driving licence.

You need to think of another way to deal with your feelings.

He's still your DC's father and she has used his name for this long.. I don't think you should just start using your name unofficially as an AKA. But that's my opinion.

your dd has never had your name.

she has always been lookforwardnotback dp'sname.

do you want more children with your now dp? (or ever, in the future?)

what if you get maried to yuor dp (who might feel very strongly about his children bearing his name) and have another child - your dd would not have the same name as you then, would she?

you cannot erase and re-write her identity because your relationship did not last.

your ex has regular contact, and is a part of ehr life. you cannot just write him out in this way.

YABU.

Davsmum - my intention would be to use my maiden name going forward. if my p and i were to marry she would have the choice when she was older, the idea being that she wouldn't feel any less part of the family unit because she'd still have that direct link to me and my name.

I have left it a year to make sure I wasn't being hasty in my feelings.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll, you're right I have worded that incorrectly.

Perhaps as a few of you have said it would be too unsettling for her, she's not really aware of her surname at the moment but I gave the name to her I suppose so have to live with it.

Appriciate the feedback though, have been a bit confuddled as don't really have many mum friends.

I think you're on a hiding to nothing with this. He's bound to object, for a start, and presumably he has parental responsibility, so you would need his consent.
www.ukdps.co.uk/CanIChangeMyChildsName.html

I kept my maiden name initially when I married but I was nearly 40, and it just seemed such a palaver. However, over the years this has changed. I changed it at the GP's when I was pregnant (in case of any next of kin issues), then on my passport the first time we went abroad (because in the event of any emergency I wanted it to be absolutely clear I was DD's mother). I then changed it on my driving licence, tax, building society account, mortgage etc.

But I still use my maiden name for work, and my current account and visa card is still in that name. There is no law against using two names as long as you're not doing it for illegal purposes. Most official forms ask you for your "former name" anyway.

The school knows me as Mrs Marriedname. It seems to work OK - although I have to write DD's name in big letters on the back of any cheques to the school as they are in my maiden name. Occasionally I've had to show my marriage certificate to banks etc. I now wish I had just changed the lot when I got married, it would have been easier!

It's just a name, you know. Why not think of it as your daughter's name rather than his, and change your name to hers?

I generally don't like double barrel surnames, but it might be satisfy honour on all sides. Would your ex partner be more likely to agree to her having both your names? It would certainly stop it looking like your were trying to erase her dad from her life.

So she'd be:

Katie Smith [your surname] Jones [his surname]

So then you'd both have a link to her.

It works both ways. If your ex goes on to have more children, they will be your daughters siblings in the same way as any more children you have. She will share the same surname with them if they have their father's surname.

Agree double-barrelling might be good to look into. It's selfish of him not to agree to change her name to yours though, considering you are the resident parent.

But I do agree with the above posters that women should be careful - and think seriously - about changing their names prior to (or at) marriage, and giving their children the father's name. It's impractical and daft that it's the default way of doing things.

Sorry I think you are BU. You should have considered the possibility of this situation when she was born and chosen her name accordingly.

My DD has my DHs surname and will continue to do so whatever happens between her father and I.

I have to ask. why do you think the child has to have the same surname as you? I mean in the way that you are both the parents so why do you think it should now default to yours.

I was given my father's surname on my birth (mum and dad were married) but when my Mum remarried when I was 6 she took her new husband's name and I became "known as" the new surname. Never had to do anything legally but in all my documents (save my birth certificate) I have my step-father's surname. I liked having my name changed - made me feel special.

As an adult I would never change my surname upon marriage and my children have double barrelled surnames of mine and my partner's surnames.

So YANBU - ask your child what they would like to do and do that.

OP I understand why you feel the way you do. But on first reading your thread I assumed he doesn't have anything to do with your DD - which would make it completely reasonable for you to want to change her name to yours.

But as he does have regular contact (whatever your opinion may be on the quality or quantity of that) I do think you need to learn to accept the situation and allow your DD to grow up feeling happy with her name, not ashamed of it.

It's just a name - and there will be so many other children as your DD grows up with different surnames to their mothers/fathers/whoever, that it's not as if she will stand out as different.

I changed DS's name back to mine (he was in 2001 so I could do it as exP does not have parental responsibility) exP is a shit dad 9 (see my other posts).

I understand how you want her to have your surname but he is also your daughters family.

I not sure whether you can legally use your surname for school etc as if exP finds out he can legally change it to her legal name.

If he turns out to cut all contact attempt legally to change her name to yours if he still refuses your daughter can do it (if she wants to) when she is 18

When I had DS (1191) his father and I weren't married but he was present for the registration and we gave DS his surname. When DS was 4 months old we split up. The name didn't bother me at all until I had DD, five years later. DD's father left when we discovered I was pregnant and so DD had my surname. At that point I decided to change DS's name as the three of us were going to be a complete family unit on our own, and I wanted us to feel like a family with a strong family identity.

I did this using a change of name deed for which you don't need any legal intervention, just witnesses. You then hand over a copy of this every time you hand over the birth certificate, and the child is known by the new surname from that point on. Ds' passport, bank accounts, etc, all in the new name.

I have no opinion on whether you SHOULD, or not - just info on how you DO, IYSWIM!

Sorry, I had DS in 1991 not in bloody 1191 - even I'm not THAT old.

stangirl three is a bit young to get a child to make such a decision and understand the ramifications of it.

If it were me, I would stick with the name she has had since birth. As I put in an earlier post, if it remained a bone of contention then double barrelled may be a way to satisfy all concerned.

As others have indicated, what happens if the OP marries again? The poor child will be Sue X [father's name] formerly known as Y [mother's maiden name] now known as Z[mother's married name]

If the OP's ex partner has parental responsibility, can he not equally request that the child is 'known as' his surname? Could turn into a tit for tat scenario.

I would leave it alone for now, especially if it's likely to cause contention between you and her father. When she's older, she can decide for herself what she wants to be known as, and I would hope both of you would respect her decision either way. At the moment, it can hardly matter to her very much, so there's not much point you and ex fighting over it.

I like the suggestion of adding your name rather than replacing the existing one, if he would agree to that. =

Regardless of his feelings to you and vice versa she is just as much his daughter as yours so she should have his name AND your name. If when she is older she only wants one she can choose. But as long as you keep his name, I cannot see why he would object to her having your name as well. But have you thought what happens if you marry your current partner- will you keep your name, or have a different name for your child, or will you try to change your child's name to the name of whoever you marry?