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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my daughter's name changed back to mine?

43 replies

LookForwardNotBack · 19/01/2012 09:56

Hi everyone, this is my first post so please be gentle with me.

In short, my exP and I separated a year ago due to the fact that he didn't love me and didn't want his future with me.

Now when our child was born 3 years ago I was very naive and was under the impression he and I would eventually marry and so I agreed to give her his surname. I put his name on the birth certificate and gave her his surname.

Now, once we split up I felt extremely unhappy with the fact she would still carry his surname. We never married and so I wish for her to have the same surname as me.

I understand as he legally has parental rights I would need to get his written consent to change this which I know he would not agree to.

I wouldn't go as far as to take to court but I was thinking of having her "known as" my surname for nursery and then school just keeping her official name for official documents etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:
foglike · 19/01/2012 12:02

I doubt he would allow for it to be changed.

Can I just say that you are hurt and upset maybe now's not the right time to make this sort of decision emotionally.

But I wish you well with whatever you decide.

MackerelOfFact · 19/01/2012 12:05

YABU. It might be her father's name, but it's also her name - the name she's had since birth and is on her birth certificate.

Plus if you end up marrying further down the line and changing you name as you had planned with XP, then she will have neither parents' name.

NorthernWreck · 19/01/2012 12:12

I find it weird when mothers give their children the surname of their Dp, so the children have a different name to the mother.
And yet most of the couples I know where the parents are not married, the children have the fathers name.
My ds has my name. It never even occurred to me to give him his dad's surname, and it would never occur to me that ds should have a different name to me.

At this stage though, I think you have to keep your dd's name the way it is.
Or change yours to the same one by deed poll, if you want the names to be the same.

EMS23 · 19/01/2012 12:13

My DSS has a double barrelled surname, which was changed when my DH and his ex split up. So my DSS has both his mum and dads surnames now.

I think that is the only fair compromise in these situations and considering your DD's dad is involved in her life, it would BU for you to take away his name completely. My DH would never have agreed to that for his DS.

It also means that my DSS now shares part of his surname with our DD, which is a good thing IMO.

tallpoppies · 19/01/2012 12:14

I wasn't married to my daughter's dad and she had a double barrelled surname - mine, then his. I married my dh a number of years ago and became a full time mum to his boys as well as my daughter. We now have a child together too. I've never changed my daughter's name and didn't really see the need to but am getting very pissed off at having to justify myself as her mum when we don't share the same surname but everyone else in the family does.
A case in point was christmas time - we handed over all the passports, all with the same last name other than dd. I spent 15 minutes at passport control trying to prove that she was my daughter, got asked for id in my maiden name which I don't have as everything is in my married name and generally the whole thing upset dd quite a bit. She said to me afterwards that it made her feel that the ss's are more my children than she is, even though she is my bio child iykwim.
So....I'm going to change her name, will still be double barrelled but now my married name and then her dad's name (he is ok with this).
I think it seems like a reasonable option for you too but would then recommend not changing your name if you ever got married in the future (wish I had thought about this but then I would have had the same trouble with ss's).

Original poster
LookForwardNotBack · 19/01/2012 12:21

Thanks everyone, I think the mixed comments maybe show i'm not going crazy to be feeling the way I do but it's also opened my eyes a bit and given me some good ideas, adding my name in also might be a possibility, I like that idea.

I do intend to marry and have more children at which point I will take on his name, at that point she will be older and can make up her own mind as to what she wants to be known as.

OP posts:
FlightRisk · 19/01/2012 21:46

flouncyflower the law changed in 2003 that parents named on birth certificates get automatic parental responsibility.

For the OP this means that she will ne to ask exP for permission to change DD's surname.

This is why you and I could do it so easily without any interference.

A change of name deed is a legal document to show that a person will no longer be known by previous name and will only be known by new name. Its not like Pheobe from friends deciding to be called banana hammock then realising its a bit silly Smile

FlightRisk · 19/01/2012 21:52

flouncymcflouncer npt flouncyflower I do apologise

FlouncyMcFlouncer · 19/01/2012 22:44

Ah I didn't realise there had been a change in the law.

Grin @ flouncyflower!

McHappyPants2012 · 19/01/2012 22:48

Yabu that is her name. If you want surnames to match then change your to your dd

PreviouslyonLost · 19/01/2012 22:53

...the law changed in 2003 that parents named on birth certificates get automatic parental responsibility. In Scotland it changed in 2006. (Family Law (Scotland) Act 2006)

WorraLiberty · 19/01/2012 22:54

Why not change your surname so it's the same as your DD's and then keep it, even if you re-marry?

WibblyBibble · 19/01/2012 23:05

YANBU. The day a partner of mine spends 9 months vomiting and then gets his genitals ripped apart to have a child with me is the day he will be entitled to give that child his name. Until then, his role as a father depends entirely on his behaviour and fucking off leaving someone with a young child does not make him a father. I don't get paid for work my partners have done, so why should they get credit for work I have done?

HoudiniHissy · 19/01/2012 23:11

My son is 6. He has his dad's name. X and I have split. He was abusive.

He is however known as my name as his surname. Only official documentation comes to him in his dads name.

Does that help? Sure it's not ideal, but day to day its fine to work with.

HoudiniHissy · 19/01/2012 23:13

Oh and if I married now, I'd keep my own name. Otherwise it'd end up as a right mess with DS.

rushelle · 19/01/2012 23:50

I did the same as FlorenceMcFlouncer, my ex and I were married when DS was born, but as he was a violent thug we didn;t remain so for long. When DS was 11 he decided he didn't want to have the same name as a man he never even saw so we changed his name by deed. His passport, driving licence, exam certificates, everything are in My name now. However when my daughter was born I had been with her dad for 12 years, we are still together but I wasn't making the same mistake twice so she also has my name. I'm not faffing about changing names again!

Original poster
LookForwardNotBack · 20/01/2012 09:52

It's so easy to look back in Hindsight, everyone warned me to give her my name just in case (apparently everyone exept me could see he didn't love mesigh) and then change it if he and I ever got married so it would then be a family name.

Silly girl eh

OP posts:
DumSpiroSpero · 20/01/2012 10:00

I can understand how you feel and have friends who have been through the same thing (although in their case the ExH/birth father didn't want to know at all so it was slightly different).

As hard as it is, tbh I would leave it alone. You daughter will be quite capable of seeing things for what they are and making her own decision name-wise when she is 16 and her father has no say in the matter.

I changed my name at that age, purely because my original surname had dubious connotations (parents still together & great relationship with my Dad).

My friend's daughter is now in her teens and friends DH is her 'dad' as far as she is concerned. Her birth father, in spite of not paying maintenance or seeing her since she was 18 months old, refuses to allow her to change her name to her 'step' dad's.

Guess what she's planning to do as soon as she hits 16?!

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