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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed with this friend and decide not to bother with her again?

38 replies

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 18/01/2012 12:20

I've been friends with a woman for about 3 years now; we met originally at a baby group and she has since moved to another town about 20 miles away. She doesn't drive so if we want to meet up I need to go over to her town as the buses are rubbish and there is no direct train link to here. I don't mind, as I like to get out and about and the town in which she lives is lovely. We usually go to soft play or meet at her house.

In the past few months, she has suggested meeting up 5 times, and each of the times has then gone "AWOL" the day or two before we meet, not answering texts or messages on FB and so the meet doesn't go ahead. Last week she contacted me on Facebook asking me to go to lunch at hers today. I text her yesterday to see if we were still on for today and got no reply. So I left it for the rest of the day (the text went at about 10am) and then text her again yesterday evening. No reply. I tried to phone but she didn't answer. So I made plans to do other things instead and haven't heard a word from her. She has done this 4 other times previously. I'm just glad that I do text or attempt to contact her before I go

I just know that in a week or two she will again contact me via FB or text, again saying a time and day and asking if I want to go over, and again do this bizarre disappearing act. When she next contacts me, she won't do any apologies or even mention the previous time.

AIBU to just not bother with her again? I like her and enjoy her company but she's not a very very close friend. What annoys me is that it's always her that instigates these meets but then just disappears. If it was me being pushy and insisting we met up then I could understand it. She moans all the time too that she doesn't have many friends, but it's hardly surprising when she acts like that. I'll be polite and friendly if she does contact me but am planning on making myself unavailable for any dates and times she suggests. I guess I could tackle her about it but I don't know what that would achieve and it might even cause a falling out, which I really don't have the time or inclination for at the moment.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 18/01/2012 12:21

YANBU - next time she texts/messages you just be honest and say you would rather not make plans as you know she will cancel on you.

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 18/01/2012 12:25

Yes I think I'll do that, Betty. It'll probably be the end of the friendship but on reflection that's probably not a bad thing as there isn't really much friendship going on now between she and I.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 18/01/2012 12:27

Yanbu

I couldn't be arsed with all that and tbh, I don't think a friend would treat you the way she is.

squeakytoy · 18/01/2012 12:28

If that is the way she is, and you dont say anything, then she probably thinks you dont mind and are easy with it. Next time she asks, I would say "well yes, but are you sure you wont cancel again, as I really enjoy seeing you, but it gets a bit frustrating and I feel let down when you do this to me so often"..

redskyatnight · 18/01/2012 12:28

I am slightly wondering if your friend didn't get your text (or lives somewhere like my ILs where the signal is so bad it's very touch and go when/whether messages get sent/received) and is wondering why you didn't come for lunch yesterday.

Surely if you've made arrangements with someone the default is to assume that they will go ahead unless one of you says otherwise (unless they were very flexible or made ages in advance)? I can see there is an argument here for your friend feeling that she is always making arrangements and you never turn up. (and she's too nice to bring it up with you).

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 18/01/2012 12:33

redsky, like I said, I attempt to contact her through FB and by phoning too. I like to confirm plans as it is a fair distance to travel and she has been flakey before in the past (not turning up to DS's party when she lived nearby, and forgetting about a soft play meeting), so would rather confirm than have a wasted journey.

And in any case if she did think I wasn't turning up, surely she would mention it or at least try to contact me when I "hadn't turned up"

OP posts:

redskyatnight · 18/01/2012 12:42

Depends on her ... I've made arrangements with people at about the same level of friendship as you seem to have and not particularly called them if they've not turned up (I don't have much social confidence particularly with people I don't know very well so I've assumed it was me who made the mistake or it wasn't a definite arrangement or that was just the way the friend "was" and I had to accept it).

If she's not a person who is welded to FB and her phone all the time (I'm not and always used to miss texts from other parents until they realised that I only looked at my phone/FB very occasionally and now ring up if they wanted anything) that's not a reliable means of communication. When you tried to ring - was it the land line and did you leave a message that explicitly said "let me know if it's still on, or I won't come"?

Tabliope · 18/01/2012 12:43

I would tell her you'd love to stay friends and meet up but you're not really sure what's going on half the time with her as when you try to confirm things with her the day before you can't get hold of her and it's too far to waste a journey. Hope she pays for coffee or lunch for you once in a while with you doing all the running over to hers.

MarthasHarbour · 18/01/2012 12:47

That sounds like a right PITA, i agree with squeakytoy in that she prob thinks this arrangement is fine with you. If you still want to be friends then i would wait until your next contact, then just say 'oh what happened last time? i tried to contact you' and keep doing it till she realises how annoying she is being.

Dinkiedoo · 18/01/2012 12:47

dont be so available

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 18/01/2012 12:49

redsky well she's been on FB plenty today as I keep getting game notifications from her and have seen about 3 statuses from her so far today on my homepage. She's generally welded to FB and is always on her phone when I visit her. My texts were basically asking her to confirm whether or not she was still ok for today and that I'd wait to hear from her. Also she knows I am not the kind of person not to turn up as we have been friends for 3 years and I've always been reliable.

Thanks everyone for the replies btw. I think I will mention it to her when/if she suggests meeting up again. I am prepared to let the friendship drift, I feel that it's unfair that she gives me the runaround and would rather spend time with more reliable friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 18/01/2012 12:50

Dinkiedoo, that is my plan exactly :) To be fair I am pretty busy and have got a lot on right now so chances are when she next suggests a meet up I will have something already planned anyway.

OP posts:

lililolo · 18/01/2012 12:51

I would just say 'is this a definite arrangement? Just the last few times I have thought we had something arranged, when it came to it I couldn't get hold of you so I want to make sure'. Something like that.

BandOMothers · 18/01/2012 12:53

Could she be feeling down? I have been very bad with friends lately and the reason is that my self esteem is at an all time low. I know I SHOULD be socialising so make plans...and then I lose my bravery at the last minute.

pinkappleby · 18/01/2012 12:53

I think you should go with Betty's plan as it leaves her free to say that she thinks it was you not turning up. I have to say, I can have periods of no mobile or internet use for several days for various reasons, and if I have agreed a lunch date the week before I would expect the person to turn up, not send me a text asking if it was still on.

SecretMinceRinser · 18/01/2012 12:54

Maybe she doesn't get your texts and is wondering why you don't turn up? You say she would surely mention something but by the sound of it you haven't mentioned the fact that you can never get hold of her.
When she next contacts you to meet up I would ask her what happened last time and see what she says.

Pandemoniaa · 18/01/2012 13:07

In the words of Jim Morrison "People are strange".
Quite why this friend goes to the effort of arranging to meet I don't know. But it must be fucking tiresome when she goes AWOL. So yes, let the friendship drift. It doesn't seem worth working at!

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 18/01/2012 13:08

SecretMinceRinser, as I said, I try to contact her via phone and facebook too. But point taken anyway, I need to be more upfront with her.

BandOMothers, I don't know if she is feeling down or not tbh, she hasn't mentioned it before. I know how you feel as I get down a lot, hence it makes me feel worse and quite rejected at times when this sort of thing happens, which is one of the reasons I'm thinking it may be best to drop the friendship as I get upset when I can't get hold of her.

When she's messaged me about meeting up, she has said things like "we will decide the time nearer the day" and that sort of thing. So it's an arrangement, but not a full arrangement,if that makes sense. Like she invited me for lunch, I said yes, that would be nice, and she said she wasn't sure what time it would be yet as she might have some things to do in the morning but we would arrange that nearer to today. If it was more of an invite "Right, come to mine for 11, we'll have lunch at 12" then I probably would just turn up. It's hard to explain but she just sort of vaguely initiates the arrangement so that I feel it needs confirming as like I say I really don't want to make a 40 mile round trip for nothing and for her to be out when I arrive.

OP posts:

Xenna · 18/01/2012 13:14

It's best to ask her what happened the previous times you arranged to meet and didn't happen and whether she received your texts or not. Maybe she can't get your texts and thinks you don't want to visit her because it's always you that you have to drive over to hers and doesn't want to say anything to you so that she doesn't put pressure on you? If this is the casemaybe you could agree that unless you hear from herotherwise the meeting is on (if you still want to meet up with her).

JustHecate · 18/01/2012 13:24

You've never asked her why she does this?

CamberwickGreen · 18/01/2012 13:31

why on earth have you never said anything. thats odd to me

scuzy · 18/01/2012 13:33

this is very strange!

you both arrange a meet up, she doesnt reply to your texts to confirm so you dont go and assume she doesnt turn up either. then no one says anything and then arrange another meet up?

do you know that she doesnt turn up for definite? why havent you asked her whats going on after the first time?

all very odd!

Original poster

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 18/01/2012 13:49

Yes I guess it does sound rather odd.

In the past, if I've not heard from her and not had confirmation that we are meeting up (for the reasons I stated earlier, ie her being non-commital for times etc) then of course I've tried to contact her afterwards, by phoning, by text and sending FB messages "Hope you are ok, I tried to contact you to confirm our lunch but can't get any reply", that sort of thing. But these are all ignored too, until the next time that she decides to make contact, when she makes no reference to my messages, texts and missed phone calls or the fact that we had arranged to meet, and breezily suggests another meeting time. But yes, I really could do with saying to her "what happened last time? I have been trying to contact you, why are you ignoring my calls?".

OP posts:

porcamiseria · 18/01/2012 13:56

fuck her, and do what betty says. direct, no, I cant make tjat as every time we arrange to meet you cancel, you have done this xxx times.

RubyLovesMayMay · 18/01/2012 14:09

Ive cut a couple of people off because of stunts exactly like this. Every time they were the ones instigating the meet up.

Not in a hostile way, Im still civil if I see them but just stopped making plans with them and deleted my account on the devil's own Facebook

It wasnt good for my self-esteem and felt like people were taking the piss with me so I stopped bothering with them.

I reckon you could either:

Call her on her behaviour and tell her that if she does it again, you wont bother with her.
Dont bother with her

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