to be annoyed with this friend and decide not to bother with her again?

[HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer]

I've been friends with a woman for about 3 years now; we met originally at a baby group and she has since moved to another town about 20 miles away. She doesn't drive so if we want to meet up I need to go over to her town as the buses are rubbish and there is no direct train link to here. I don't mind, as I like to get out and about and the town in which she lives is lovely. We usually go to soft play or meet at her house.

In the past few months, she has suggested meeting up 5 times, and each of the times has then gone "AWOL" the day or two before we meet, not answering texts or messages on FB and so the meet doesn't go ahead. Last week she contacted me on Facebook asking me to go to lunch at hers today. I text her yesterday to see if we were still on for today and got no reply. So I left it for the rest of the day (the text went at about 10am) and then text her again yesterday evening. No reply. I tried to phone but she didn't answer. So I made plans to do other things instead and haven't heard a word from her. She has done this 4 other times previously. I'm just glad that I do text or attempt to contact her before I go

I just know that in a week or two she will again contact me via FB or text, again saying a time and day and asking if I want to go over, and again do this bizarre disappearing act. When she next contacts me, she won't do any apologies or even mention the previous time.

AIBU to just not bother with her again? I like her and enjoy her company but she's not a very very close friend. What annoys me is that it's always her that instigates these meets but then just disappears. If it was me being pushy and insisting we met up then I could understand it. She moans all the time too that she doesn't have many friends, but it's hardly surprising when she acts like that. I'll be polite and friendly if she does contact me but am planning on making myself unavailable for any dates and times she suggests. I guess I could tackle her about it but I don't know what that would achieve and it might even cause a falling out, which I really don't have the time or inclination for at the moment.

I'd let it drift. She sounds a bit self-absorbed and rude, I was thinking of an earlier post, where you put 'She's generally welded to FB and is always on her phone when I visit her'. If she pushes, tell her she's a thoughtless cow, or words to that effect.

oh I couldnt just let it drift without knowing why she does this. its basic manners 101! its rude. you deserve an explanation and then decide if you wish to cut ties.

You have been very forgiving letting her do this to you 5 times without dumping her as a friend. You have done your best.

Seeing as you have followed it up with more messages asking if everything is ok and these have been ignored as well - then yes, next time she asks, you are a bit busy that day doing something, not sure what... be vauge too!

If it were me I would allow this one to drift. You dont need to confront her, afterall is she going to change her ways?

I do wonder what its all about though? Dont take it personally. She might be very bad at organising her life.

Just say no, and be honest, that she let you down a few times and therefore do not wish to meet.

hi,

just from a slightly differnt view point, I used to do this to my friend, maybe not as frequently as your friend, but um it's difficult to explain, but I was suffering from depression at the time (didn't know it was depression at the time though) and I really wanted to see my friend and I would arrange to meet her in a weeks times, and a week seemed so far away iyswim, and when it came to it my aniexty about doing anything different would kick in and i just couldn't face it. I would feel so bad that I had let her down again and feel so guilty. A couple of days later when it didn't feel as raw I'd contact her again because I really wanted to see her. The thing is I would just get myself into a panic and just avoid the issue.

I agree with Griphook. I'm the same, I have Aspergers and also suffer from depression, and this is a very big problem for me with certain people who I don't meet with very often. Maybe the reason she doesn't say anything about it is because she feels embarassed at not having the guts to turn up?

I would try and contact her at some point just to talk over the phone, see what's going on. Alternatly, you could always just turn up at her doorstep and say you've been worried and a bit frustrated. Ifn you just turn up she can't cancel on you, and if she's glued to FB well, you can use that to tell when she'll be at home (via status updates ).

I understand why it makes you frustrated, but I think there's probably something else going on, especially if she's the one asking you to meet up. Maybe you could try asking her to meet up? (UI don't know how often you do). Maybe it's her way of testing your friendship, there are so many different explainations, but I think you should give her another chance, but make sure she knows it's her last chance.

Good luck!

Thank you again everyone.

SandraSue, I did used to ask her to meet up but due to her flakiness and not replying to texts I left the ball in her court.

I do take on board what you and griphook are saying, however just because she may have issues it doesn't mean that I don't have mental health problems myself too, and to be honest I don't wish to make myself more upset or fed up by this rejection all the time. I don't know whether I have the time or the energy or the inclination to give her any more chances when I feel she has had a fair few and I feel it's time to put my feelings first. I do see what you are both saying though.

I just wouldn't answer her texts or facebook messages any more. I'd just delete her from FB.

There is no excuse for standing you up five times, that is just pure ignorance.

I'm sorry, I've suffered from clinical depression for 10 years and I have never done that to anyone. If she knows she can't go through with meeting up she shouldn't keep messing you around. Anyway she doesn't seem that stressed/anxious if she's chatting away on Facebook all day, every day.

She's already had too many chances.

I knew someone like this! It really is annoying and stupid so I feel for you. I was lucky in that my person was new in town and I was just being friendly towards her and had no real relationship with her prior. It was pretty easy to just fob her off and break off the relationship after she did this 3 times. It was so wierd - she only lives 50 yards from my house so really don't know what was stopping her calling by or meeting up if she was the one instigating it. I must admit I came to the conclusion she was depressed or homesick or something but her behaviour did not allow me to even attempt to support her.

Her issues are not your problem. Gently disengage....

I agree with Ruby, sounds like she's taking the piss.

To cancel 5 times in a row with no apology or explanation?

I'm sorry to say that my take is that probably something "better" came up.

god you lot are harsh!

I think you should ask her why she always cancels. She might be really embarrassed and apologise, and you will have done her a favour by helping her realise where she's going wrong. Or she might get angry and never speak to you again - but in that case you just move on.