To think that just because DH doesnt come to appointments midwives shouldnt assume hes a waste of space?

[Dirtydishesmakemesad]

I have had alot of appoitments this pregnancy, I have been in hospital numerous times and had many scans. I have gone to them all alone. Dh and I have our own company and we also have 4 children 7 and under with no babysitters and no car to easily transport us around to hospitals/clinics.

I have no problem with going to the appointments alone, this was obciously gogin to be the case from the start - they are boring and i am perfectly capable of travelling in a taxi the 15 minutes to the hospital and back again.Dh HAS to keep working (he works at home) he cant take time all the time, there is no sick pay, no holiday pay etc if he doesnt finish the work there is no money. He is also more use to us looking after the other children than cluttering up a hospital waiting room along with the youngest during the day.

Everytime i go to the hospital especially the midwives and sonographers have made comments about dh isnt very involved in the pregnancy or asking if he is the babys father or the best one yet "did he want a vasectomy instead of a baby then" which was from a midwife on the labour ward. Volunteers were sent to visit me on the ward because dh didnt choose to stay all day after bringin my overnight bag - it was pretty humiliating to have two elderly women who i had never met sit with me...they were lovely but i felt a bit ridiculous.

He will be there for the birth - and i have met these people multiple times over the last few months so they know me by name and i have explained why he doesnt come so really is there any need for this?
Im starting to feel a bit angry with it all but i cant decide if im angry at them or just angry that i have had to be there so much and taking it out on them?!

AIBU to actually ask them to stop mentioning it/commenting now. I have another appoitment today and i can pretty much garuntee it will be brought up again.

They're being ridiculous. Why on earth should partners be expected to take time off work for a routine appointment? My midwife's just been, it was as simple as a blood pressure, urine and a listen to baby. Is there a reason all the appointments are at hospital though?

YANBU to pull them up on their insensitive and ignorant comments at all. They are being incredibly unprofessional, and it sounds like you have handled it brilliantly so far.

Very cheeky midwives! My DH came to some of the appointments for dc1 but not all, and hardly any for dcs 2 and 3. His job is very demanding and he couldn't have just left for a while in the middle of the day. I was often the only woman there alone though - how do these men manage to get away from work?

Surely you can't be the only person whose dh isn't able to make it to appointments? My dh came to my 20 week scan and that was it as he had to work. I would mention it to them as it would be pissing me off by now!

By "alone", I obviously mean "trying to stop ds (then 2) emptying all the earth out of the plant pots, and answering a million questions from dd" (4 at the time).

I went to nearly all my appointments alone and no-one ever commented! Idea why they would tbh, it is just rude! Dh couldn't always get time off first time round and second pregnancy I was there all the time and dh had to look after ds1.

I did get a comment when I was recalled after a colposcopy and told I had cancer that it would have been better if dh had been there if I had looked into my crystal ball and known that was what they were going to tell me, I would have dragged dh along but given I didn't know, I went on my own with my book as normal!

Ignore them!

YANBU It's none of their business and they're being very unprofessional. I'd consider putting in a complaint.

I think i will say something today, normally i just tend to ignore it because tbh I just dont care what they think! The last time i was there which was last week i was admitted and the midwife who was doing the tests etc on labour ward (the same one that asked about the vasectomy) did really get to me with things like saying that she would advise I have a contraceptive injection before leaving the hospital once dc is born then adding "we normally offer them to teenage mothers but in your situation..." At the time i was more concerned about the fact i was being admitted but when i think about it i wish i had told her to fuck off.

Fuckity - alot of appointments are at home or the doctors surgery but the last month or so especially everytime i go i end up getting sent to the hospital because of blood pressure, they keep adjusting medication whcih means i have to stay in and its things like them giving steroids etc in case they have to get baby out early so its a case of just goign back and forth all the time!

I should say that most of the midwives are lovely, its actually a really nice hospital and I cat fault the care i have had but they do seem confused about dh not being there!

My partner came to the scans, but he didn't need to come to the other routine stuff. He also has very flexible hours with work and we had no other children. I'd blame the midwives. Tell them where to stick it ;)

I think you should tell them straight: My husband is absolutely fantastic. I'm very proud of him. He's running our business and looking after our other four children. I didn't want him to come to this appointment. He's always there when I need him, and today I don't need him. now zip it

I suppose they think they're being sympathetic and supportive, but you're right it's very rude of them. Their view is probably coloured by the many women they see who genuinely do have an unsupportive partner - my midwife friend told me about a woman who came in to her emergency department having got the bus on her own while in premature labour because her partner was drunk. She went on to have a stillbirth and the partner didn't turn up until the following evening. When you see horrible cases like that it's easy to overreact to "normal" cases where the partner is just unavailable. It might be worth saying to the MW "Look, I appreciate your concern, but my DH is very supportive, he's just at home working and looking after our littlest."

Of course yanbu. It must be really common for women to attend appointments alone, I am suprised they are commenting on it.

YANBU.

My DP has only attended scans, due to work comitments, and I've also had comments about him not being there.

It seems because the area I live in isnt particularly affluent, the assumption is automatically that I will be raising this child alone, along with the 36 other children I have by different fathers, all for the benefits/council house etc - the MW could not get her head round the fact that I had to get back to work ?

YANBU. They are being incredibly rude. I think you need to use the excellent Mumsnet phrase 'that sounded very rude, did you mean it to be?'.

they shouldn't be making those kinds of assumptions and frankly making comments like those is pretty unprofessional IMO. i also had many appointments throughout my pregnancy, with scans every 2 weeks and DH couldn't always come. he'd just started a new job and was out on call a lot at the time, and it wasn't possible for him to come to every appointment. i did receive a few comments like you, and one MW even started telling me they had a domestic violence service and i could be referred asap if necessary just because my DH wasn't there!! wtf! they'd have been better off telling the poor woman in the waiting room whose fella was there shouting, effing and blinding away to her and their toddler and stunk of drink.
i did get a bit irate on one occasion and tell them in no uncertain terms that my DH is fully supportive, and would give his right arm to be there for every BP measurement, every blood test and scan but it's more important to make sure he keeps his job and is able to support us financially as well as emotionally and he would most certainly be there for the birth come hell or high water. that shut em up and no more comments were made!!! i think sometimes they forget that working families have babies too, and in this financial climate you cant afford to mess work around too much (DH had been made redundant just before he started the new job so that was a big worry for us).

YANBU I'd be furious!

DH is self-employed and didn't come to my antenatal class or any appointments apart from the 12-week and 20-week scan. When I told the MW at antenatal I was coming alone and would there be any partner stuff that I couldn't be involved in, she said they never do it as it's silly to assume all dad's can take time off. Clearly yours was a nobber!

There is too much intrusion into one's private life. The midwife's job is to see to the pregnancy and the baby - not what goes on at home or whether the mother-to-be is single or not. It's just none of their business!

A simpler matter last month was when I took a prescription into our local Boots. When I collected the five packets, the assistant (I don't know whether she was the pharmacist or an assistant) asked me if it were a repeat prescription. My hackles rose because it was nothing to do with her and I knew where she was going. I didn't answer.

She was about to tempt me into having their repeat prescription service which would tie me into going to their shop every month. I often go to different chemists for my things so I didn't want that. She asked me if I knew what I was taking and what they were for and out it came. "Why do you want to know?" She just handed the packet over.

Just ask them why they need to know what your domestic circumstances are and they might shut up or at least explain why they are so nosy interested.

I would complain about the contraceptive-obsessed MW.
and write on your notes about why your DH can't be there.

Jesus, I'm self-employed (run a shop) and even I found it hard to make my own appts! (there were even comments about me having to give birth in the shop!) DH is gainfully employed but starts work at 6, so only came to the scans (for which he had to book days off and switch shifts)

YANBU. I'd be seething.

My ex-h and father of the dcs was a teacher. He was entitled to a modest amount of paternity leave (this was 30 and 29 years ago) but we saved this since both children were due outside school holidays!

It would have caused enormous problems if he'd gone missing for all my hospital appointments. Admittedly, none of them were very thrilling (scans, sweeps etc.,) but there was no need for him to be occupying chair space in corridors while a series of supply teachers took his classes.

Given the comments you've received, OP, I'd be inclined to get a little sharp with them and suggest that you'll be making an official complaint if the inappropriate remarks don't stop.

My DP is self-employed too, and so far we've arranged the scans on days of the week when he can easily take a few hours off (e.g. when he hasn't got meetings or got to travel anywhere).

He did want to come to all appointments with me, bless him, but having read his 'So You're Going To Be a Dad' book, it said partners/husbands would just feel in the way at the checking-in appointment with the midwife, so we agreed he didn't need to come to that. When I arrived at the appointment, there was one woman sat there with her husband AND mother and they all looked a little embarrassed at having turned up mob-handed.

My subsequent MW appointments have been at my local GP just round the corner, and I texted DP straight after to let him know everything was OK. I'm sure if anything had been wrong he would have left work straight away to be with me, though.

I am going to make sure he is present at our health visitor appointments, though - he works so close by that it will be easy for him to pop home for an hour, and I want the HV to see that he is close at hand.

I'm going to go to daytime ante-natal classes on my own, though, and we'll go to evening classes together.

He doesn't even get statutory paternity leave so if he takes 2 weeks off when baby is born we are unlikely to be able to afford any holiday later in the year, so every day he can keep working now is precious - I'd rather have him be able to take a few days here and there later in the year so we can have family time together and the odd long weekend.

YANBU... Midwives are there to do a job, not pass value judgements on patients' partners' involvement and certainly not make nasty remarks about vasectomies. I wouldn't hesitate to complain to them in person about their unprofessional behaviour and threaten to copy your complaint to their boss in writing.

YANBU, I'd be tempted to write across the top of my green notes.
"4th child, Do you really want DH to bring the other 3 to destroy your waiting room!"

Dh came to my 12 and 20 week scans with all 3 DDs, and no other appts at all. Nobody ever commented on it to me. With DD3, I had 2-weekly scans at the hospital my DH works in, and he didn't come to those (with my happy agreement).

I think they're being pretty unprofessional to keep commenting on it - I do understand that DV is sadly common in pregnancy and they should be keeping an eye out for it but they're going too far here. And the vasectomy comment is beyond