To think that just because DH doesnt come to appointments midwives shouldnt assume hes a waste of space?

[Dirtydishesmakemesad]

I have had alot of appoitments this pregnancy, I have been in hospital numerous times and had many scans. I have gone to them all alone. Dh and I have our own company and we also have 4 children 7 and under with no babysitters and no car to easily transport us around to hospitals/clinics.

I have no problem with going to the appointments alone, this was obciously gogin to be the case from the start - they are boring and i am perfectly capable of travelling in a taxi the 15 minutes to the hospital and back again.Dh HAS to keep working (he works at home) he cant take time all the time, there is no sick pay, no holiday pay etc if he doesnt finish the work there is no money. He is also more use to us looking after the other children than cluttering up a hospital waiting room along with the youngest during the day.

Everytime i go to the hospital especially the midwives and sonographers have made comments about dh isnt very involved in the pregnancy or asking if he is the babys father or the best one yet "did he want a vasectomy instead of a baby then" which was from a midwife on the labour ward. Volunteers were sent to visit me on the ward because dh didnt choose to stay all day after bringin my overnight bag - it was pretty humiliating to have two elderly women who i had never met sit with me...they were lovely but i felt a bit ridiculous.

He will be there for the birth - and i have met these people multiple times over the last few months so they know me by name and i have explained why he doesnt come so really is there any need for this?
Im starting to feel a bit angry with it all but i cant decide if im angry at them or just angry that i have had to be there so much and taking it out on them?!

AIBU to actually ask them to stop mentioning it/commenting now. I have another appoitment today and i can pretty much garuntee it will be brought up again.

I would complain too - particularly if you have repeatedly expained why he isn't coming with you (although why should you have too - surely it is down to you how you and your DH manage work/family/medical appts).

With DS1, DH was at the booking appointment (his family medical details were taken), 12 week & 20 week scans plus the growth scan we had in the 3rd trimester. He was also at one of the later appointments to discuss the birth, but that was more by chance (working at home on that day).

With this pg, DH came to the booking appt, more to look after DS1 than to add anything useful (and quite frankly, had we known that they didn't need any information from him, he would have stayed at home) plus the two scans. Other than that, I fully expect to go to all other appointments alone - I think the midwives would think it odd if he came to the routine appointments.

My dh came to my 1st appointment and I got dragged out the room, So the midwife could ask me about domestic violence because "your dh is 9years older than you!" I told her there was nothing wrong which is true and she didn't seem to believe me and kept asking me to be honset with her. Told her to f**k off and have complained and changed mw. Still can't believe her only reason to not believe me was a 9year age gap.

Oh sorry.. Now dh doesn't want to come along because it has made him feel horrible and that we are been judged all the time.

god, are dhs/dps supposed to come to all the appts, then?

dh has never been to a midwife appt with me - erm, he's at work, so a bit tricky really.

I am pregnant with dc3, and had my 12 week scan last week - dh sadly had to attend a funeral, so couldn't be with me. he will probably make it for the 20 week scan, but not absolutely sure - he is trying to coordinate his work diary.

I have to have a glucose tolerance test later on in this pregnancy - he won't be there, and it wouldn't occur to me to ask him to be there, tbh.

OP - YANBU at all

I've been in a similar situation to you, OP, in that dh couldn't get anyone to mind our brood for him (and the clinic was obsessed with children spreading vomiting viruses = no children allowed policy).

It seemed to me that no one even noticed that he wasn't there, and I was given bad news on my own, without being asked where he was, or if I would like him there.

I know that their attitude upsets you, but is it possible that the staff are genuinely concerned for you, or feel that you are under alot of pressure, and are trying to simply show that they care?

I had this problem when pregnant with dd1

dh was on a submarine for four months twice over the period of of my pg and her birth

I'm not entirely sure the medical professionals believed me

techno - i must be beaten up regularly then, cos my DH is 15 years older.

Yanbu. My dh didn't come to antenatal app with both dc as he was working. And in fact I went into labour without him first time and he got there with 20mins to spare!!
Mw should realise that not every dh can be there

YANBU.

When I had ds dh was working as a teacher for the music service in schools 40 miles away. He managed to get half days off for both scans but nothing else.

Now he works in a college 200 miles away, its just not always possible and unlike women who get paid time off for antental men are not legally entitled to the time, even unpaid.

I would complain about the fucking horrible midwife and as that you are not cared for by her.

I would also tell them if they ask questions like that again, that you find it intrusive, rude and judgmental and that it really is none of their business however that you and dh have a loving relationship and busy life with 3 other children too. If they continue to persist in this manner I would write to the hospital saying that all the staff are over zealous and don't seem to listen and then promptly change hospitals.

Or just get up and walk out when they ask you those questions.

Very rude, and very unprofessional!

I'd tell them firmly that your husband is very supportive but has to work to support your family, and that you don't appreciate them suggesting otherwise.

In my experience, it's more of a problem for the midwives when the partner does accompany the woman to all her appointments, because it means the woman is never alone to be asked about domestic violence. Sometimes an excuse has to be manufactured to get the partner out of the room so that the MW can broach the subject. In fact, controlling or abusive men are likely to attend all appointments/scans etc so that the woman isn't alone with a health professional. Of course, a partner attending all appts might just be very supportive/involved/enthusiastic - the MW has to try to read the signs. It's something not all of them get right, for sure, but there's absolutely no excuse for being so insulting and crass.

techno I can understand her taking you outside, but of course suggesting that age has anything to do with it is utterly ignorant and unprofessional.

Ridiculous. My DH came to 2 scans and none of the midwife appointments as he would have to take annual leave and we both decided we would rather he saved it until the baby was born. No-one said a thing. Its none of their business. Our waiting room was really overcrowded with some pregnant women having to stand (usually while someone else's DH or DP took up a seat and refused to move, but thats probably a whole other thread).

I think you should say something, particularly as you have explained (which IMO you didnt have to do in the first place)

I would pull them up about it when a comment is made - perhaps the old standby of "Gosh, that's really rude! Did you mean it to be?"

I'd also ask if there is something in my notes that they feel justifies their comments - I just feel the "we normally offer them to teenage mothers but in your situation..." comment is a bit suggestive. Has something been put in your notes wrongly (maybe should be in someone else's notes?) that is prompting these comments? Because surely it's normal to go to most of these appointments alone? I certainly did, DH came with me for the scan and parenting classes only, for everything else I flew solo because I am an adult and perfectly capable thank you very much.

I've had a similat situation with dd1 pg and now this pg.

Dh works all over the country and is quite often not home. During dd1 pg I had a lot of hospital appointments as I'm a complicated case my hands became so swollen I couldn't wear my wedding rings the amount of comments about doing it alone, do I know about benifits I'm intitled to and one even asked if my parents had disowened me because of my age (I was 23!) She was concerned I had no support system at home and might have to inform ss she refused to believe dh was working away and couldn't get time off/I didn't need him to get time off. They soon changed their tune when I was admitted dh turned up 3 hours later in suit and tie (and 6 years older than me) their whole attitude towards me changed .

During this pg dh bought me a new wedding ring (just a cheep argos £15 thing!) that fits my swollen hands. I've had a lot less comments but people (not necessarily hcp) have asked (as I've struggled with a tantruming dd) if this one was a mistake the mw at the hospital have asked if i need contraception advice to avoid this situation again .

I was also asked by another patient in hospital when i was admitted at 31wks in labour if I was thinking about adoption as 'at your age, in your situation, you wouldn't cope with possible disabilities'. is never met this woman before, she had no idea of my age or situation (I told her I'd cope very well thank you, and was more than happy to !ccept any child with any disability in to my family. I wish I'd used the mn line of did you mean to be so rude?)

I am actually sick of being treated like a naughty school girl. I am an adult and actually planned both of my children.

Just at some of the stories here. Nanny welfare state interfering.

Good on the staff that they have been trained to treat a pregnant woman as a whole person and to be vigilant for various non-medical problems but it sounds as though they lack discernment and good judgement about when to make enquiries.

I guess they occasionally pick up serious issues and help women overcome them. But some of this is absolutely ridiculous!

that's really sweet of your DH addicted

make a complaint. they have no right to tell strangers about your visitng arrangements and send them along to you without you previous consent.
next time they say something, calmly tell them that your private life is non of their business, and that in fact your DH is looking after all the other children because your hospital does nto want them here.. Then ask them to stop making comments about your private life as it is inappropriate, and intrusive.

You could also demand to see your medical notes to see if they have written anything about him in there.

Imagine if a woman was going on her own due to some awful situation (father had dies was ill, in actual fact father was rapist who grabbed her off the street etc), why shoudl medical staff take it upon themselves to make unpleasent comments to her and tell strangers to go and visit her.

I'm amazed you are getting this reaction - things must have changed a lot. I've had 3 dcs, and dh never came to any of the appts., and, I very rarely saw anyone else needing a minder either. When I had my dcs the Mums to be were capable of sitting around waiting rooms on their own.

How ridiculous.
I went on my own to everything and even gave birth without anyone.

My MW asked questions to check if I had support had home, with DP sitting next to me, but it didn't offend me. She must come across so many extreme cases and it's her duty to ensure mothers are safe and well supported.

That said, they should obviously understand that practical reasons mean that very supportive partners can't always be at every appointment - nor do they need to be. DP is a teacher so we pick and chose wisely which ones he attends, as every appointment means either a cancelled class or another teacher having to cover. I was in hospital last month and he didn't visit, because we both felt it would be too upsetting for DD. There are obligations to more than just the unborn child to consider.

Blimey! DH didn't come to anything apart from the scan (in common with most DHs I would have thought) and none of the midwives ever made a comment about it.

I don't want to hijack your thread or vent too much, but I encountered a nasty midwife (sister) who made some nasty comments after I turned up for a scan then a CVS on my own (DP out of the country for work).

Unfortunately I encountered her later on in the pregnancy and after my DC was born - horrible woman - wish I had complained.

just pull them up on it next time they comment, simple! 4 kids under 7 is fair enough really!

silverfrog - I've just seen what you said on this thread. 12 weeks! congratulations! Hope all is well with you and DH.