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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

ex wants to change day

41 replies

lovebeinganana · 17/01/2012 23:21

Ex p sees ds 5 hours every Sat he's useless dad doesn't really want to see ds. Last couple of weeks he's asked to change to Sun. as he had to work usually I agree but last week I had plans so said no. Today he texts (never speaks contact through text) to demand day changed to Sun. for the forseeable future because of work, can't tell me how long this will go on for.
AIBU to say no, I tried to explain that Sun. is when I visit family with ds and I can't expect everyone else to change arrangements for him. His reply that he is his father and should take priority over any other family.

He has always had an attitude that he gets what he wants regardless of anyone.
His last text said he would know during week if had to work Sat. AIBU to say lets take it week by week but he should understand if I have to say no because of previous plans.

The arrangement is beyween us no court, I actually want to say no and if that means he can't see him tough, but I know that will cause more arguements.
Sorry long.

OP posts:
Ineedacleaneriamalazyslattern · 17/01/2012 23:30

Hmm not sure. I have an arse hole ex who also expects the world to revolve around him but there has been times where it has worked both ways.
If he genuinely has to work I would try and accommodate as best I could because I work too and know sometimes things change. I do also kind of feel that if I don't give a little then I can't expect him to either.
There has been weddings and family gatherings that have fallen on ex's rare weekends and I have asked him to change and although he is an arse he has really had no option than to say yes because I have accommodated him so many times.
I would suggest to him that if he has to work Saturday for the forseeable future then you could do it on maybe not a week to week basis but do it for a few weeks and then review it. But also making it clear that if he changes it for example a month at the moment then for that month there is no going back even if he stops working saturday that you will make your weekend plans for the next month on that basis and if he ends up with no work on Saturday it's tough he has to wait until the monthly review as you have planned accordingly.
I would be more accommodating for work to be honest.

LadySybilDeChocolate · 17/01/2012 23:30

Sorry but if he has to work then there's not a lot he can do about it. Would you rather he lost his job? You both need to be flexible.

WorraLiberty · 17/01/2012 23:31

Work should come before Sunday visits to family surely?

It's hardly fair he has no contact on the one day a week he's free?

ninamag · 17/01/2012 23:32

How can you say he doesn't want to see his son? If he didn't want to he wouldn't bother. For your sons sake let him see him.

workshy · 17/01/2012 23:38

he's right -father who wants to see child (which he does because he is doing) trumps extended family visits

surely you can arrange to see family on other days than sunday -what if DC got invited to a party on sunday? would you say no because that is the day we have sunday lunch at granny's???

Pandemoniaa · 17/01/2012 23:39

You can't keep him from seeing his son on the grounds that you visit family on Sundays. How about a compromise? Every other Sunday, perhaps?

AnitaBlake · 17/01/2012 23:46

You'd have a very hard time convincing a court of your reasoning. DHs ex tried the same thing, ifhes only seeing the child for five hours a week, you really need to accomadate that. I also wonder why he's only having 5hours a week, you say he's not involved but I'm sure DHs ex would say the same. She nly allows us 24hrs a week, must be a weekend as SDs routine ccannot be interupted through the week. And lately DH has worked a lot of weekends so in order to see her at all, she's had to spend a lotof time with me, poor thng. You should see her eyes light up when we say daddy wil be with her all day.

Original poster
lovebeinganana · 17/01/2012 23:56

I have posted before about ex's behaviour so don't want to rehash but briefly when living here had nothing to do with ds rarely spoke to him, refused to be in same room as us as he needed space. He sees him once a week because he has to to keep up appearances with family and friends that he is a wonderful dad, I have never told them what he was like they wouldn't believe it think sun shines out of his a*.

I don't think extended family should come before him, but I work so plan visits for Sun. knowing ds will be at. I have a right to arrange things in advance. Also he will be given another day off in week but he doesn't want him then because his partner and mother will be at work and he can't cope with ds on his own.
Ineedaclean I like your idea of arrangements for a month and may suggest this.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 17/01/2012 23:56

I'd ask myself why he was working Saturdays now when he wasn't before. Has he swapped rota with someone? Is it overtime? Is it compulsory? Is it voluntary? Would his employer be just as happy if he work on Sundays rather than Saturdays?

If I came to the conclusion that he had little choice in working Saturdays, I would accommodate. If, on the other hand, it was him pissing me about for the sheer pleasure of exerting control over me, I wouldn't.

Original poster
lovebeinganana · 17/01/2012 23:59

Anita ds is 3.2 and cries when he is told he is going to see dad. When he comes home and I ask what he has done it's always the same played with toys I ask if daddy plays with him and the answer is always no, he sits on chair on phone.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 18/01/2012 00:02

These threads often turn into competative parenting or slagging off of the absent parent's ways of doing things.

I don't think that should have anything to do with the subject in hand though.

You don't think he's a great dad and he might not think you're a great mum...but that's not productive.

I think the month thing is a good suggestion too.

Original poster
lovebeinganana · 18/01/2012 00:03

Whereyouleftit, that's the problem I don't know if it's true about work, he works in benefits office, but not where they deal with the public, in an office that deals with claims.

It could just be a way to exert control that is his style, I don't want to be unreasonable but get fed up always letting him have his own way.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovebeinganana · 18/01/2012 00:21

WorraLiberty, I agree there is often slagging off, I have been flamed many times on MN when I mention ex and his behaviour, but sometimes you have to take OPs word for what ex is like they have lived through it and may be telling the truth about what an awful dad ex was/is, some men are just not good dads and the dc would be better off without them.

OP posts:
TotemPole · 18/01/2012 00:38

I didn't think people who worked in benefits did weekends. I suppose with the changes there could be some extra work that needs doing and they'll get time off in lieu in the future.

TotemPole · 18/01/2012 00:41

Oh, I've just seen you said he'll get a day off in the week. That sounds plausible.

whatever117 · 18/01/2012 01:53

As a twice divorced single parent I would say OK - anything to keep contact going. We (the resident parents) often slag the non resident parent but imagine how shaky they feel as parents.

Your family will swap their Sunday lunch to Saturdays. Your children will thank you in the end - just be the bigger person, imagine if you were him (arsehole that he might be) trying to keep contact.

sheepgomeep · 18/01/2012 02:37

Op my ex ex girlfriend regularly stops contact for weeks if he has to work. She just can't understand that his weekly Rota is never the same and he has to see his daughters on his day off

sheepgomeep · 18/01/2012 02:51

Bloody phone posted too soon.
Anyway at one point she stopped contact saying if he didn't pack his job in and go back on benefits then he would never see them again!

Work comes first I'm afraid. And you have to compromise both of you. I know its a pain and ive been there with my eldest dc dad when he had different shifts and it upset my routine but I got on with it.

Your ex may well be a knob and do nothing with your ds but that's up to your ds to find that out for himself and trust me he will one day, but believe me if you interfere in that discovery process it will come back on you!

If your ex didn't want to see him then there would be little or no contact and you would never hear from him.

manticlimactic · 18/01/2012 07:19

My ex works for the benefits office. He's had his hours changed so now he works until 9.30pm one night and works Saturdays. It was that or be made redundant.

I think you're being abitU.

mrspepperpotty · 18/01/2012 07:23

sometimes you have to take OPs word for what ex is like they have lived through it and may be telling the truth

OP, I'm not saying he is a great dad, but whether he is a great dad or not is almost irrelevant - he still has the right to see his son. After all, many resident parents aren't great parents either.

some men are just not good dads and the dc would be better off without them

Sorry but I disagree. Unless it is a case of abuse or other extreme behaviour, most children are better off having a relationship with their dad then not.

dmo · 18/01/2012 08:11

If the shoe was on the other foot you would be Sad

Plan something relaxing to do on a sunday while your dc is with dad

See family after school, or Saturdays

AnitaBlake · 18/01/2012 08:11

Regardless of whether or not your ex provides him with a 'fun' time or not, regardless of how he engages, he IS there. Your DC is not and never will be better off without him. He is making an effort to see your(plural) child and you owe it to your child to ensure he has a r/l with his father. Speaking as someone who didn't see their father whilst growing up, I know how true this is.

I'm not getting involved in arguements about how good a dad is/isn't, these things are never black and white.

Perhaps your ex could have your child on his day off through the week aswell/instead on a fortnightly basis?

NotaDisneyMum · 18/01/2012 08:18

What about mediation? You can self-refer and it's means-tested.
A mediator will help each of you be heard by the other - you can express your concerns, and come to an arrangement that you are both prepared to stick to.

DP and I have both got 'difficult' exP's - without mediation, we'd be in a right mess, although it's still not easy - you have my sympathies Sad

YouOldSlag · 18/01/2012 09:11

YABU. If he works Saturday (and if it's non public facing I imagine it's phone/help centre admin work) and you do visiting on Sunday then when exactly is he supposed to see his DC? EVER?

Regardless of what you think of his parenting skills, you are not quality control. He may be the world's worst Dad in your view, but your DC only has one Dad. I agree with Sheepgomeep (great name). You have to allow your DC to discover their own opinion of their father without just copying yours.

This is kind of the voice of experience. When my parents split up, my Mum was hugely critical of my Dad and would drop me off late/pick me up early because SHE didn't like him. Not fair on me at all! I'm not saying you do this OP, but you'd be surprised what kids can pick up on even at an early age.

Be the bigger person here OP.

Waxtart · 18/01/2012 09:19

I don't think it's an unreasonable request. If it were dd's Dad I'd be agreeing and I certainly wouldn't want to be trying to arrange it week by week, neither of you would know for sure where you were at with the arrangements until the last minute.

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