ex wants to change day

[lovebeinganana]

Ex p sees ds 5 hours every Sat he's useless dad doesn't really want to see ds. Last couple of weeks he's asked to change to Sun. as he had to work usually I agree but last week I had plans so said no. Today he texts (never speaks contact through text) to demand day changed to Sun. for the forseeable future because of work, can't tell me how long this will go on for.
AIBU to say no, I tried to explain that Sun. is when I visit family with ds and I can't expect everyone else to change arrangements for him. His reply that he is his father and should take priority over any other family.

He has always had an attitude that he gets what he wants regardless of anyone.
His last text said he would know during week if had to work Sat. AIBU to say lets take it week by week but he should understand if I have to say no because of previous plans.

The arrangement is beyween us no court, I actually want to say no and if that means he can't see him tough, but I know that will cause more arguements.
Sorry long.

let him see him, be a buit more reasonable

I'd stop asking your ds questions about what he has done when he sees his father. Even very small children hate this and actually, you cannot draw sensible conclusions from comments like "I played with toys and Daddy talked on his phone". As your son gets older, the more you question him, the less you are likely to learn.

I recall asking ds2 (then 5) what he'd had for tea and was told "only a bit of bread and butter". In truth, this was his choice after he'd thrown a strop because his dad (for perfectly good reasons) had declined to take him to Macdonalds!

The important thing is that your ds has the chance to build a relationship with his father, regardless of previous disinterest, and certainly you have no right to make this impossible by being unreasonable about access. As for suggesting that his less than effective parenting means he loses the right to see his son, this is downright wrong. It may be that he is never the perfect father but your son needs to have regular contact in order to draw his own conclusions.

When my DS was 3 or 4, his Nursery teacher asked him what he'd had for breakfast and he replied "One cornflake"

He meant one Weetabix! He'd normally have two but wasn't very hungry that morning

I think if he's working then you should be accommodating, though the suggestion of arranging a month at a time is ideal as you also have a right to plan your weekends without first referring to your ex partner.

If the father won't have his DS unless he has help from his family, then I'm sorry but unless there are all sorts of undeclared issues (e.g. SN on part of child or father) then he's clearly a rubbish father. He does not have a right to see his child. The child has a right to have a relationship with his father. Subtle but important difference. It's about what's best for the child, not what's fair for the parents. At this stage, your DS is so young I'm afraid you have no choice but to facilitate contact as best you can (though not at the expense of your own wellbeing) unless you have genuine concerns about your DS's welfare in the care of your X.

As an aside, however, more and more evidence is being found to show that contact with an uninvolved and unreliable parent can be more damaging than no contact or limited contact. Similarly, 50/50 arrangements may seem fairer to the parents, but a lot of anecdotal evidence shows that children find it unsettling. IMO (and it is just an opinion), for crap fathers (or mothers when the shoe is on the other foot), the best involvement is limited contact so that the child knows who their other parent is and develops a relationship with them but expectations of that parent are managed so that the child doesn't experience the crushing experience of being let down.

Reading between the lines, if he only has his child for 5hrs a week then he probably arranges for family to see him at the same time.

The same as the OP takes him visiting family on Sundays.

I would be flexible, much as it might grind your gears. You're the parent, which means you've signed up to be The Bigger Person, for the sake of your DS. Is there anyway you could arrange for it to be different days different weekends, ie so you still get one or two Sundays a month or something?

If he is a tosser, the truth will out in the end, but give him enough rope to hang himself rather than it coming back to bite you in the bottom in years to come. Whilst I do agree with sunshineandbooks about no or limited contact with a crap parent being better than contact, the legacy of rejection is very hard to shake off so obviously you have to tread v carefully.

Thinking back to this time-period with SD, she could barely remember who she'd been with never mind what she'd done. We were only allowed four hours a week with her at that point, the judge extended this immediately to full days (ex said 8hrs) but 4hrs wasn't a long time. We live a 20-30min drive so would try to do things that were local, so we would go to any of DHhs relatives houses. This meant that SD saw her whole family, not just her dad.

So I guess you could say at that point DH wouldn't see SD unless there was someone else to 'help' him look after her.........

Just ask yourself; What would Jeremy do?
And that answer is usually a good one ;)

Sorry not been on, busy with poorly ds. In answer to some comments

sees ds for 5 hours his choice does not take him to see family.

does not want to see him if he gets day off in week his words "will be busy"
This is normal he never wants to see him on any other day as well as Sat.

I am not wanting to refuse Sun. because of Sunday lunch but because this is the day I take my grandma (very elderly) to see family out of town and she enjoys showing her great grandson off.

Suggested to ex planning 4 weeks at a time his reaction doesn't matter not working this Sat. will let you know about next week.

Ex will not have ds on his own if his partner is working he asks me to take ds to his mums house and ex sees him there, this is the only time ds sees any of ex family. I have to take ds to ex house or his mums because ex refuses to pick ds up.

Sorry posted too soon the reason I ask ds what he has done is because ex will text me after visit always the same "has ds told you what we done today" when I say no he replies "oh that's good" this does make me wonder what he is trying to hide and I also know this might just be to wind me up.

Ds is a very fussy eater and ex refuses to speak to me will only communicate through text, even when I ask if ds has eaten lunch (which I have to provide) so again I do sometimes ask ds what he has eaten at the moment ds is happy to talk about daddy and what he does there and allthough I have problems with ex I am careful not to say anything bad about him to ds.

sunshineandbooks that evidence sounds really interesting, any chance of a link?

Sunshineandbooks and Secretary thank you for your comments I do try to always be the bigger person I would never stop contact but that doesn't mean I don't hope that one day ex gets fed up and stops it himself something I have always thought might happen.

I also think it can cause more damage to see a disinterested parent, I find it concerning that ds never mentions ex from one week to the next.

ballstoit - the reference comes from Dunn, J. (2008). Family Relationships: children?s perspectives. London: One Plus One.

If you take a look at The Fatherhood Institute, there are several references on there about the importance of contact.

While it is generally concluded that children who maintain contact with their fathers usually fare better than those who do not, because most fathers are actually up to the job and love their children, there was definite proof that the quality of contact was more important than the frequency of it, and that "separated fathers? unreliability is a key negative indicator for children"

It seems that where a father is a decent person, more effort should be made to encourage contact. But if he isn't, then a carefully managed form of contact (if any at all) may actually be more beneficial than repeatedly subjecting the child to disappointment and rejection.

Compare that to research in the US where Bancroft has shown that fathers who have abused their child's mother overwhelmingly go on to bully, manipulate or even abuse their children as well, and there's a strong case for stopping contact with fathers who abuse.

It's like all things in life. There are good mums, bad mums, good dads, bad dads. Each case has to be taken on its own merits and we need to stop worrying about what's fair for the parents and concentrate instead on what's best for the child (which will often, but not always, include the needs of the resident parent over the needs of the non-resident parent because the most important influence for any child of separated parents is the child's relationship with, and the lifestyle of, the parent with care).

that doesn't mean I don't hope that one day ex gets fed up and stops it himself something I have always thought might happen.

Oh, goodness - why would you wish that on your DS?

I understand that you find the lack of involvement and inconsistancy frustrating - but surely it would be best for your DS if your exP become more of a Dad? It seems to incredibly unfair on your DS that you are hoping that he won't have the love, support and guidance of both his parents in his life

NotADisneyMum - I think you may have misunderstood the OP's point. SHe would much prefer her XP to be a decent father, which is why she isn't stopping contact. However, if he won't step up to the plate then she'd prefer it if he stopped bothering, since the on-going insecurity, disappointment and rejection he visits on his son is probably more damaging than the fallout from him stopping. THe only person responsible for that is the father. The mother is simply performing a mental exercise in damage limitation.