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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to only invite 19 of the 30 children in DD's class to her party

30 replies

whoneedssleepanyway · 17/01/2012 16:27

It is DD1's 5th birthday in March and having not thrown her a proper party yet I want to do one this year. Prices in SW London are nuts but have managed to find an affordable deal at a sports hall with bouncey castle etc.

Max numbers are 25 which means that after taking account of DD, her sister and 2 friends from outside school she could invite 21 children from her class.

There are 18 girls in her class (excluding her) and 11 boys. She is very friendly with 1 little boy in particular and 1 other boy is son of a friend of mine.

WIBU to invite all 18 girls and the 2 boys she is friendly with and leave out the other 9 boys....

If I was inviting just girls I wouldn't give this a second thought but as she will invite 2 boys I am feeling a bit guilty about the other 9...(1 of whom did invite DD to his party and she went).

Sorry a bit long winded but thanks if you have read this far!

OP posts:
Sevenfold · 17/01/2012 16:29

yanbu
you can't invite everyone and it isn't like you have broke the lmusn't leave on child out mn rule.
hope you have a lovely time

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 17/01/2012 16:30

YANBU - just dont make a big thing of dishing the invitations out.

Pancakeflipper · 17/01/2012 16:32

YANBU. Last year we invited 21 out of 30. This year 8. I don't expect my kid to go to every party.

ABatInBunkFive · 17/01/2012 16:34

What makes you think they will all turn up? That said leaving out the amount you are is fair enough i think, it's only not on if you leave out one or two.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 17/01/2012 16:36

I personally think you invite a small number of friends, all the girls or all the class. I think just leaving out just a few (including at least one who invited DD to his) is a bit mean. I think the little boy who invited your little girl is especially likely to feel sad.

Original poster
whoneedssleepanyway · 17/01/2012 16:47

See Ghoul that is what I am worried about...

I have got space to invite the other little boy but that then makes it only 8 who haven't been invited...

I would go with all the girls but there is 1 little boy who she is really really good friends with and I couldn't possibly not invite him. I know that DD hasn't been invited to several class parties that one of her friends has and she has been none the wiser and not bothered...her friend seems to be invited to all the parties because she had one of the first parties of the year and invited the whole class so gets invited back to every other party regardless of whether she is particularly friendly with them.

This is the one and only time I am doing this, next year it will be half a dozen close friends, end of.

OP posts:
Original poster
whoneedssleepanyway · 17/01/2012 16:49

ABatInBunkFive, that is a good point although I think it would be rather risky to invite 31 children (the whole class 29 plus her 2 out of school friends) which plus DD and her sister takes you to 33, and expect that 25% won't turn up....

OP posts:
TheresASpareChairOverThere · 17/01/2012 16:51

This is why I don't do parties...

But overall YANBU, it's not mean to not invite a third of the class, there's a limit. Add on the one she invited if it would make you feel fairer.

whatstheetiquette · 17/01/2012 16:51

I would just do it. All 8 left out will be boys and since there are only 11 boys in the class, the majority of the boys will not be invited. I do think you should include the last boy on your list - the one who invited your DD to his party.

wahwahwah · 17/01/2012 16:51

They won't all turn up. Then again, I generally see some kid at our parties and wonder 'who the hell is that?'!

VeryDullNameChange · 17/01/2012 16:55

I'd add the one extra boy and leave it at that - that's fine.

Vickles · 17/01/2012 16:58

invited all girls to the daughter's party - and she asked for 3 boys to come, and that meant that there were 9 boys who weren't invited.

i felt fine with that... and still do.

you're talking about 9 boys not coming too - that's fine... you're inviting a 'minority' of boys and leaving out the 'majority' of boys.

don't get eaten up with guilt about this....if you'd said 1, 2 or 3 or 4 boys.... then maybe my response would've been different... but remember....only a minority of boys are coming.

i am a children's party entertainer, aswell as a mum of 3 kids... (on in yr 2).. and because of my experience with large number of kids (mad as a hatter as i am!!!!) we held a haloween party in our own house for all the girls and 3 boys... (was surprised that she asked for the boys, but i did know the mum's of the boys and wanted them to come, so was pleasantly surprised)

you'll find, that as your child progresses through school... parties will get fewer, as parties get smaller and they dwindle.

go for it... your party sounds great.... and am glad there's a mix of boys and girls... but, you cannot have everyone... as it will (and believe me, i know!) it will be bloody bonkers!!!

sounds great = have fun!!!!

Vickles · 17/01/2012 17:00

just read your update about 1 more boy... no difference between 8 and 9... still the minority of the boys being invited... go for it!

sounds very fair to me....x

overmydeadbody · 17/01/2012 17:00

No of course YANBU!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 17/01/2012 17:01

Goodness, invite the children your daughter plays with/wants etc. What is the deal with mnetters tying themselves in knots over party invitations? DD gets invited to some and not others. I neither know nor care whether she's the only child not invited to some or what.

overmydeadbody · 17/01/2012 17:02

I am a teacher, and I promise you, the majority of the time kids don't care. They really don't. They take very little notice of invited being given out and whether or not they got one. All thy care about are their closest friends.

Original poster
whoneedssleepanyway · 17/01/2012 17:10

Gwendoline...yes in an ideal world, but she has had 1 term in reception, I still don't know who her closest friends are the people she talks about change daily, she has one close friend she went to nursery with and 1 little girl who is her "Carpet buddy" whose house she has been to a playdate on but other than that I would have no idea who to invite...I am imagining by next year friendships will have cemented a bit more and I will know exactly who her close friends are...added to which the few parties that DD has been to since she started school have been an invite the whole class thing and it sets expectaions rather high.

Thank you Vickles and overmydeadbody, think I will go with all the girls and 3 boys.

OP posts:
Tenebrist · 17/01/2012 17:11

You've ONLY invited 19! Good grief, I've never had 19 guests to a child's birthday party, and hopefully never will. Our limit is 10-12 (and that's traumatic enough). And I've never seen the sense of these debates - surely your child invites the people s/he is friendly with. Isn't it weird to invite someone simply because you think it would look a bit odd if you didn't, if your kids don't actually play together (or even like each other)? Sorry, I possibly have a different perspective on this, don't live in the UK, but it seems to lead to startling amounts of hand-wringing and conflict there.

SydneyB · 17/01/2012 17:11

Just be very careful how you do it. Hand out invites to parents you know quietly or ask the teacher to do it. My DD was not invited to a party most of her friends were invited to but it was done very publicly and she was very upset by it, and although I understand that you can't invite everybody, it was a tough one to explain to her.

Tenebrist · 17/01/2012 17:14

Sorry, whoneeds, cross posted and just seen that you don't know her close friends because of reception etc - I do understand that problem - DH once managed to invite the 'wrong' friend to DD's 4th party because he got the mothers mixed up, DD was a bit puzzled that a child she never played with got invited, but as overmydeadbody says, shrugged it off and they all got on OK.

Tenebrist · 17/01/2012 17:16

Sydney, yes, there is a need for diplomacy, which is not a strong point for many 5yo (or indeed some parents). Some parents at DD2's school have now gone over to e-mail invites, which both avoids the problems of excluded people getting upset AND ensures that the invitation gets to the parent rather than spending 3 weeks at the bottom of a school bag.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 17/01/2012 17:16

Sounds fine to me. It's only really a problem if you invite all but one or two 'undesirables' which is really unfair. My DS has SEN and was lucky to be in a generous class and was always invited to whole class parties and all the boys parties, which only really happened in infants. I was extremely grateful.

YouOldSlag · 17/01/2012 19:29

YANBU. Your DD won't be invited to everyone's party and it's Ok not to invite everyone to hers. As long as it's not just one or two left on the sidelines. I get annoyed that poor parents need to half bankrupt themselves to invite half or all of a class.

My DS hasn't been invited to all his class parties and I just tell him "that's because you're not as close to Jay as you are to say, Bob". He's fine with it.

WinkyWinkola · 17/01/2012 19:35

Yanbu but just be discreet about giving out invites. Kids at our school are VERY aware they've not been invited because some mothers hand out invites after school in full view of kids.

Whilst I totally understand not everyone can be invited, it's hard for 4 or 5 year olds to grasp that.

pigletmania · 17/01/2012 19:36

YANBU at all, as long as you are not leaving 2 or 2 out. Sounds fine to me.

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