to wonder if adults should automatically win over children

[noblegiraffe]

My DS is nearly 2 and a half and has developed a very bossy streak. Part of this bossy streak means that if he is watching Thomas and DH and I are talking, he will turn to us and say 'No, stop talking, watching Thomas'.

Now, it drives me mad if I'm trying to watch TV and people are talking. To say 'Tough, Mummy and Daddy are talking' just feels wrong as his complaint is reasonable and we could be quieter. But then I don't want him becoming a little dictator with us bending to his every whim and tiptoeing around him.

What would you do?

It's not about the individual, it's about children having their choices limited by someone who won't abuse the power.

Why is this about power? Surely it's a purely a case of modelling good manners and the adults should apologise for talking over a programme (as you would if it was another adult watching it) whilst explaining to the child that there is a more polite way for them to make their request?

I'm a strict parent and have a 2.2 yr old DS but I don't think this request would bother me at all unless the conversation I was having was important. I don't think having some consideration for the fact he is trying to listen to the tv is going to make an unruly child who has a lot of say in how you run your home.

This request seems quite minor to me. The tv would likely not be on anyway if I knew I was going to be talking through it. But when I put the tv on, I put it on for him to watch which involves me being quiet or it's pointless putting it on in the first place. I also expect quietness from him should I be watching something.

I do agree that a parents say is 'final' in a sense and requests I make such as tidy your room or don't stand on the sofa etc are expected to be done, the same as bedtimes, bath times, what we're having for dinner is decided by myself with no room for argument.

I think the issue with the tv is just a common sense thing rather than a parenting issue - if you put the tv on it's to watch and not to talk through. If conversation is important at the time, don't switch the tv on and encourage other play instead.

I just aim to treat dd as I would like her to treat me, and I'd like her growing up able to express her opinion about anything. I give her lots of choice about things, she will quite often choose what she is having for her evening meal for example. I don't expect her to interrupt me if I'm on the phone unless it were important, I expect her to stay in bed when I have clients round and am working. Similarly if she were watching a programme she really enjoys, I wouldn't interrupt that. I wouldn't want to miss the last 5 minutes of a programme I'd watched the rest of, and I don't expect her to. If she's watching tv just before going to bed, she can watch the end of a programme.

I suppose for me it's about mutual respect and how else do you truly learn that other than by experiencing it.

I agree with you, tigerlillyd02. It's a minor request asking for courtesy, not to show he's ruling you or will turn into a mini dictator. Common sense prevails in our house (usually!).

If it's a reasonable request, then it's agreed.

With a child of 2.5, absolutely the parents are totally in charge. The OP's DS is only little and what he said was normal for a child of that age, but the appropriate response is to let him know he's not allowed to tell Mummy and Daddy what to do. This is the age for pushing against the boundaries to see if the wall might fall down, and it's the parents' job to let them know clearly that it won't.

As they get older you can be more flexible, as long as they are polite and respectful, but still, in the end, what the parents say is what goes. That's just the way things should be.

Please don't let your DS tell you what to do OP, if you do you will have huge problems on your hands in a few years.

I don't like people taliking over TV programmes, but if either of my kids had said that to me then the TV would have gone off at the end of that episode of Thomas so that the adults could talk. Adults talking is more important than kids watching TV, so ensure he is only watching TV when no-one is going to want to talk and keep it to a minimum. If my husband and I were in the same room with young kids we wouldn't have kids TV on anyway.

I like the theory that the reason kids stay smal so long is so we can assert our authority for longer!

You have to tell him he is being rude and dont let him dictate what goes on he is 2 fgs you will eventually have a tall teen boy dictating what goes in in the house , STOP HIS DICTATORSHIP NOW

I wouldn't get him to stop his requests, but I would be teaching him to say 'Please could you keep the noise down a little' or 'Please can I turn the volume up you noisy bastards' etc.,

DH and I do most of our chatting in the kitchen, when the boys are watching TV. Solves the problem really, plus I don't then have to sit through bloody kids telly.

"Adults talking is more important than kids watching TV!"

Really? In all cases? I am quite good at random chat about nothing very important.... I'd struggle to insist that it was more important than anything else TBH.

It's not that either activity is more important, it's about who's got rights, who's earnt the right and who has the power in the household. I don't know why some people shy away from the idea of having power over children. In the most reasonable way it's necessary.

Yes, I have power over my kids. Of course I do, I am the adult, I am bigger, stronger, I control the purse strings, I can vote, they can't. They are minors.

But that means bugger all to do with 'rights' IMO. As an adult I look at the bigger picture - I have 3 children to care about - so I will make decisions for the benefit of all which may or may nor please any one individual. But that doesn't mean my desire to witter pointlessly (for example) about my day at work, trumps my sons right to watch a program that he was already watching. I can choose to have that chat elsewhere. But as I said before I would have a few words to say about the language and tone that the OPs DC used!

Being a parent is about responsiblities not rights. Tough yes, but that's what being a parent means.

I'm the adult and therefore I have the responsibility that goes with that. Power? No. I'm not a dictator. That doesn't mean I won't set boundaries or enforce them, but I don't see that just because I'm the adult everything I want or say trumps dd.

DS was ten minutes late for nursery this morning because he wouldn't get dressed

When he's doing his octopus impression it's fairly difficult for me to force his limbs into the clothes, now. And I would have done without the coat, but you can't really march a naked 3 year old down the street...

In most families the amount of time the 2 adults have to talk to each other is limited by them having to work. The amount of time in which small sprogs can sit goggling the TV is much longer. Parents talking to each other therefore is more important than a preschool child watching yet another repeat of Thomas in my opinion. In general though I only used the TV to entertain my kids when young if I was doing something else. if there are 2 adults in the room children's telly is off, especially if they are going to whinge about talking over it. We're not great telly watchers though, but if the TV is on it gets watched. Most people in the room have to want to watch it though (or agree it is on) so in this scenario 2/3 people have no interest in Thomas so Thomas gets turned off.

OK, scrap Thomas. What if the child wanted to talk to you about school, about his game, or wanted you to do some colouring with him, or read a story. Would the adults desire to chat trump those things too? It's about respect and not pulling rank without a damned good reason.

Thomas needs to be switched off and kept off for that day.
If he does it again switch it off again.
Children are intelligent and know how not to get Thomas switched off again.

That is all :)

Having visited DH's colleague's house where we had to sit in silence for 40 mins because their 3yo was watching a film and we were not allowed to drink coffee because he had decided it smelled of "sick and poo poo", I can conclude it is probably not a good idea to let children win everytime.

On the otherhand I can remember my Mum, sister and I sitting miserably in silence because my Dad was watching television, and it was a choice of be quiet, speak in hushed tones and risk being bellowed at or smacked or leave the only room in the house with a heat source. I think this is why I never feel TV is important enough to get angry or make anyone miserable over.

In the specific issue in the OP I wouldn't be annoyed if my children asked me to be quiet, but I wouldn't stop talking either. We all live in the house together. I would be a bit quieter, turn the television up a little or both, just as I would if it was something I was watching and DC were chatting.

but you can't really march a naked 3 year old down the street...

Well, you could. He would probably want some clothes after the first two minutes in the cold.

I don't like the concept of someone "winning".
However I do like good manners. I have taken my child outside in their PJs because they wouldn't get dressed. I do have to speak to them sometimes about: interrupting, being rude, asking nicely and so on.
As to walloping a 15 year old - do you have any idea how big they are?