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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I don't fit in here

54 replies

JustMeAndMyBaby · 16/01/2012 21:01

I've just moved from where I've spent the last 10years (a city with a mix of people and lots of young single mums) and where I had DD. I decided to move back to where I grew up. It's very different, very middle class, lots of SAHM. I just feel like I don't fit I'm a single gay mum. I'm the only single parent of a pre school child I've met here. Every time I go to a baby group I get asked what DH/DP does one mum even presumed when I said I was on my own that DH must have died and when I say I'm on my own the conversation stops. A couple of the groups I've been to are really cliquey and despite the fact I'll speak to anyone people have actually just looked at me and walked away. I'm a very confident person but this is getting to me.

OP posts:

devonshiredumpling · 16/01/2012 21:08

ask at your local library or childrens centre if there are any other groups in your area sounds silly but one of our lacal churches run a group and they are the most welcoming (couple of punks go ) give other groups a go

Original poster

JustMeAndMyBaby · 16/01/2012 21:11

So far I've been to bookbug, 3x toddlers group, 2x baby group (one of which was nice but it's on a day I work), baby sensory ok but expensive. Went to a church group today it was my last hope it seemed ok but then at the end they all went off for a walk and I didn't get invited made me want to cry.

OP posts:

savoycabbage · 16/01/2012 21:13

Yes, you just have to keep looking. I don't fit in where I live (another continent) and it is awful. There will be somebody who you will get on with.

It's like dating. I would go anywhere and do anything just to meet people. I was asking people about swimming lessons in parks and library opening times at swimming lessons.

Hassled · 16/01/2012 21:16

Does it matter, though? How many days do you work - and can you make friends through work? A lot of my friends have said that they never really got on with toddler/baby groups, but made good friends when the children got to the "playdate"/playgroup/Reception stage - and it's often actually easier to talk to other parents when your DCs are friends and you have that, at least, in common.

devonshiredumpling · 16/01/2012 21:17

how old is your lo

MrsMoosickle · 16/01/2012 21:17

I tried loads of groups until I found one DD and I liked, even then it took a few visits before I felt I connected with other Mums, worth sticking with though as some of my closest friends have been from there and we continue to meet up now. I found volunteering to help out with snacks or cleaning etc helped to break the ice quickly.

Don't let the walk bit put you off, just go back and see what day 2 is like!

BluddyMoFo · 16/01/2012 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

savoycabbage · 16/01/2012 21:20

stuff like that happened to me too. They are the mean girls. I was shoved into a group of the on the first day of my dd's school and they were so bitchy and superior. It was horrible.

Three years later and not a one has spoken to me again. However I know now that they are not the friends for me. But I didn't know that at the time.

I found friends on the most unlikely places. Can you go to something that is not child related as you are more likely to find people who share your interests then.

TheSecondComing · 16/01/2012 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spottyscarf · 16/01/2012 21:22

Round here there is a gay parents group, could you see if there is anything like that near you? Or try finding out about your local nct coffee mornings, they are purposely set up for meeting new people etc and can be good (roped into having one next week so I'm convincing myself it will be ok...)

spottyscarf · 16/01/2012 21:22

purplepansy · 16/01/2012 21:24

I'd keep persevering if I were you - it's really hard to make friends with people, especially if all you seem to have in common is that you have a child of the same age, but it will get easier if you keep at it and you have to get past those initial ice breakers questions so that you can find out the other things you might have in common. As for 'the conversation stops' think about how you say 'I'm on my own'...they probably just haven't got a clue what to say next - the obvious conversation starters are going to be 'so what do you do, what does your DH do, where do you live blah blah blah' You need to give them things to talk to you about...how about something like 'Well, I'm raising her on my own - that's why I moved back here actually, because it's so friendly and supportive isn't it. It's really difficult to get to know people when you're new to an area though...how long have you been around here?' Then there's a cue for the other mum to agree with you about how lovely the area is, and feel that they can help you get to know people. I'm probably just waffling bollocks here, but don't give up, and don't send out defensive signals xx

Original poster

JustMeAndMyBaby · 16/01/2012 21:26

There's not a lot else on here its all pretty kid orientated. Grandparents help out a lot already so feel like I cant ask them to help more in the evenings. I work 3 days but my work is an hour away, where I was living before, so unlikely to see them outside work. Think its made more difficult because before I moved I had a very close group of friends, but there always busy and by the time I've traveled there for work I don't fancy going all that way on days off. DD is 9 months

OP posts:

myncichips · 16/01/2012 21:28

It's really tricky. I've been going to baby yoga for 5 weeks and only last week did I get spoken to. I'm scared too though as I'm making a move like yours soon! It'll get better!

jelliebelly · 16/01/2012 21:29

Give it time.its a bit like looking for a new partner - they turn up when you least expect it

Original poster

JustMeAndMyBaby · 16/01/2012 21:32

Spotty - There is a gay mums group about 45 mins away which is nice as a one off but not much help for making local friends.

Second coming - conversation stops when I say I'm single have never actually got to telling them I'm gay.

Purple - I try to be positive about being on my own I tend to not just say 'I'm single' I tend to go for the chatting and being positive then I wonder if i've annoyed them by talking too much.

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 16/01/2012 21:33

I've never been to a baby group -- DS is almost 2. I'm not a group person and I've heard too many stories like yours to want to bother. So don't think it's just you! Lots of people have similar experiences.

If you are going to baby group for DD's sake -- really, you don't have to. She doesn't need friends at 9 mo. and she'll naturally make them when she's older and at nursery or school.

If you are going for your own sake, to make some new friends, well, it sounds like a pretty closed scene so why bang your head against the wall? Surely there must be some other social groups around. Do you have any hobbies? Play sports or exercise? You're more likely to get on with people if you actually share an interest, not just being mums.

I would feel down too but don't take it personally. Some people are just bitches, leave them to it.

Original poster

JustMeAndMyBaby · 16/01/2012 21:33

Secondcoming - I'm in central scotland

OP posts:

FrillyMilly · 16/01/2012 21:36

I can sympathise although I'm straight and married. Whenever I go to groups I feel I don't fit in. Everyone seems to be so different to me. I've just moved to a new area and DC2 is due tomorrow. I'm going to try and make more of an effort this time.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 16/01/2012 21:40

Your dd is still very little, there is still time.

I was single when my two were very small, and I felt like I didn't fit in either. Like you, I lived in a very MC area and I was constantly paranoid that everyone thought I was too young and clearly a terrible parent because I was on my own. It got a lot easier when pre school started. Now looking back, I think the reason I felt I didn't fit in had a lot to do with my lack of confidence. That, and the fact that I really didn't fit in. I have a lot more going on in my life than many of the Mums I meet seem to have. The playground is not the main venue for my social life, and I don't get excited about Pampered Chef parties.

Your biggest problem at the moment is that your have a very small child so your whole life has to fit around her. That just doesn't give much opportunity to meet interesting people and do interesting things. There is no reason why you should find things in common with people just because you had children around the same time.

It might help you to remember that this pase of your life is only temporary, and things will improve as your dd gets bigger.

ArtVandelay · 16/01/2012 21:48

I am that people do this to each other. I came on here in tears one day because some snotty cow at playgroup had bellowed at me that I was 'spoiling the group because it was a German group for German people'. I am horrified that this is happening to you in your own home town.

FWIW I contined to go to this playgroup and its gone really well. Snotty cow seems to have dropped out and I'm enjoying myself. Persevere - maybe there is another not so popular mum that will talk to you. A lady with naughty twins was my saviour after the embarrassing incident because she was feeling shunned as well. We swapped numbers and meet up sometimes.

I think you are being very brave to try all these different groups, you are bound to strike gold soon.

Original poster

JustMeAndMyBaby · 16/01/2012 21:50

Thanks ladies I'm just so fed up at the moment. Before I moved I loved being single because I'd spent the day with my friends doing lovely things with our babies. Now the evenings feel even lonelier than the days once dd goes to bed.

OP posts:

purplepansy · 16/01/2012 21:51

You sound like me a few years ago (although I'm not single, and I'm straight), but I really cared what people thought about me, and really wanted people to be friends with me, but I was a fair bit younger than the other women at these groups (I was 24, which isn't that young really, but they were all early-mid 30's, and I didn't dress exactly like a mum, and my child was a bit scruffy because I was going through a 'buying everything from a charity shop' phase.) So these worthy ladies looked down their noses at me a bit. And I also got upset because I couldn't make friends. Now, 8 years down the line, I don't give a flying f*ck what people think of me, and it's so much easier. As your LO gets older there'll be nursery and school and you meet the same mums and realise that they're either nice and you make friends in the end, or you find that they're mind-numbingly dull and you had nowt in common anyway. It is really hard with your first baby, you're stuck on your own, the baby doesn't exactly chat, and you feel like you should be making your friends for life. But this is all bollocks, and not everyone finds their BFF comparing weaning and sleep pattern notes. If I were you, I'd pick one or two groups that I enjoyed, and go to those-ideally the sort where you 'do' stuff with your baby, and spend the rest of my time chilling out with my baby. If they don't like you even though you're trying hard, screw them. They're not worth your time.

MsAverage · 16/01/2012 21:56

Do you actually like them enough to desire to make friends with them? Did you have lots of friends in your previous location? Why is it so significant for you to "fit"?

You can find friends through interests and hobbies, not necessarily through SAHM-occupied parent groups.

preciousmuch · 16/01/2012 21:57

I don't really fit in with the other Mums either, I've never really been a 'fit in' type of person, I've always been different even as a child, my homelife & upbringing were ... Erm... Just. Odd.
I don't have a particular style, I have no great passion or hobby to shape my life and I just can't be the same as everyone else, the weird thing is that although I don't conform I don't really enjoy the company of those non conformists who conform to the whole 'non-conformist' lifestyle, despite the fact that I agree with some of their views and principles I feel that a lot of them still try too hard to be alternative . I digress tho, Gee I'm hard work!
I go to groups for the sake of my DCs & To get us all out of the house. My dh goes to a dads' group and whenever he comes to our groups he always remarks how miserable and unfriendly the other women are, he says 'give me the blokes any day'!
I don't know why this is, but so many of the women seem so 'closed' if you do not 'match' them maybe? Whatever it is it's not nice. I speak to anybody &love it if we make a connection.
Sadly it seems that the women I connect with are the ones I bump into in town never to be seen again!
Doubt that's been any help to you & sorry I don't live scotland!

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