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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not bother saving this friendship?

26 replies

OliPocket · 16/01/2012 13:20

So, my neighbour and I became friends when I had my DC about a year ago. She was very helpful, gave bf advice, generally quite supportive, we had a laugh and became quite close friends. Anyway, as time went on she started making a few snippy comments, telling me I was doing the wrong thing (re DC) said a few spiteful things about people we know. It seemed like the more comfortable she was with me, the less tactful and careful she was about the things she said. I was a bit irritated I suppose but tried to ignore, ignore, ignore.

Just before Christmas my DS had a haircut. It was a bit short but nothing weird. I met neighbour in the street and she "Oli, it's too short...he looks like a little Jew boy on his way to a concentration camp". I was stunned into silence, made our excuses and went indoors. Since that day, I've seen her a few times in the street and been polite but actually I want to tear her a new one and never speak to her again.

It's painfully obvious that I'm pissed off with her but I haven't spoken to her about it. I just can't be bothered to even tell her what the problem is, let alone hang out with her again. She's been texting me to go for coffee at hers but I've been very vague and non-committal. I suppose what I'm asking is, AIBU to not tell her why I've gone cold on the friendship? Should I tell her even though it won't make any odds to how I feel?

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LemonDifficult · 16/01/2012 13:26

YABU not to try to salvage good relations with a neighbour, and to appear to want to make things worse. But I understand, I'd have been cross too.

Think about what you want from the friendship. Nothing? Then just calm down and cool off. Don't fall out with a neighbour if possible - you will be running into her plenty in the future so frostiness just isn't going to make your life easier.

Smile when you see her, but just avoid her otherwise. If she invites you to something just say you'd love to but you're busy doing X. FGS, don't make enemies where you don't need to.

OliPocket · 16/01/2012 13:31

I don't want to make things worse with her. I'd rather do as you suggest and just let it go but not invest any more in the friendship. I kind of feel like I'm being unfair in not being straight with her. I'm basically cutting her off without
Any explanation but it seems like the the best course of action. You're right, never good to fall out with people that live so close!

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NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 16/01/2012 13:32

It's up to you really, but if you won't feel differently then there's not much point.

I haven't visited my PIL's in over a year, the last time I saw them was almost a year ago, from the other side of the street and I didn't get out of the car to talk to them.

They've always been hard work, but MIL started to say critical things to me about the two babies we had before DS. Our first son was stillborn and our daughter died shortly after her premature birth. MIL was positively evil to me , on and off for three years before I snapped and said I wasn't putting up with it anymore. They claim to have tried hard to make it up to me but what they have actually done is harass and stalk me to the point that I became ill, lied about me to the rest of the family and tried hard to break up my marriage.

I've reached to point where they could present me with a statue of the words "we are sorry" made from solid gold and covered in diamonds and winning lottery tickets and I still wouldn't accept it from them. It will not change the way I feel.

Explaining to them why has done no good, so now I say nothing, don't reply to calls or letters and just don't speak to or about them.

I'm really shocked at your neighbours concentration camp comments and on top of the other put-downs, snide gossip and bossy comments it does sound like she has gone too far.

In your shoes I would probably try to stay polite but busy until she gets the message. However if she asks you outright I think you would be best to tell her the truth about the way you feel, bearing in mind you still have to live next door to each other.

Boomerwang · 16/01/2012 13:36

I hate saying this... I really do... but if she's a close neighbour I would do what the previous posters have suggested just because she lives so close.

What I'd really love to do is tell her to get fucked.

GoingForGoalWeight · 16/01/2012 13:39

I think her observational remark was a bit OTT but I'd wouldn't be so angry I'd want to tear her a new one. Maybe she has put you down previous to this and you've felt very angry. If so, keep your distance. When it happens again, pause and ask her what she meant by her remark.

LineRunner · 16/01/2012 13:40

I'd tell her to get fucked over the 'Jew boy ... concentration camp' comment. It's utterly unacceptable in my eyes, and shows a trait beyond mere stupidity.

I do work really hard not to fall out with my neighbours but if one of them came out with that shit then I'd tell them they had a lot of thinking to do.

GoingForGoalWeight · 16/01/2012 13:43

I have nothing to do with my neighbours aside from hello and goodbye, they're the same with me and each other. I think having friends as neighbours is too risky. Only rarely does this work out IME. One neighbour made my life hell. She lives next door. I ignore her totally.

whatstheetiquette · 16/01/2012 13:44

You wouldn't be unreasonable to not bother with her as a friend, but IMO, you must do your very best not to alienate her becasue she is your neighbour. Neighbour wars can start out of the smallest thing and cause havoc. Probably go for the coffee at some point, even if you do delay it.

Tildabewildered · 16/01/2012 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliPocket · 16/01/2012 13:49

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes :( That's hideous. I'm sorry for your losses and for the fact that your in-laws have been so unsupportive.

Thanks everyone, for your thoughts. I think it might be a build up of little things over the last few months. Neighbour did piss me off on my DS birthday when she came over and slated the presents that our family gave him. Part of me thinks she has no social grace and then another part of me thinks she's a spiteful cow. But yes, probably best to ease myself out gently.

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OliPocket · 16/01/2012 13:51

tildabewildered you're right. That's why I haven't said anything. She won't accept that her comment has upset me, she'd just think I'm being sensitive

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ChitChatInChaos · 16/01/2012 13:59

I'll bet she has been making these sort of comments for a long time, but they started off minor, and when you didn't react, became bigger.

You should have just looked at her in shock and said 'I can't believe you would say something so awful!' straight away. You didn't - now she hasn't realised what it was that has annoyed you and you have stewed over it.

OliPocket · 16/01/2012 14:04

I don't know why I didn't say anything when she said it. I'm not normally the type to keep my gob shut but there's something about her that makes me not want to upset her. There was a thread on here the other day about not rocking the boat with outspoken people and I think that's what I'm like with her. I'm a bit pissed off with myself if I'm honest for not speaking up. Maybe that's why I'm still stewing on it now.

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LineRunner · 16/01/2012 14:06

But you get to be able to say to her that you've thought long and hard about her comment, and you still find it horrible. Invite her to apologise.

Tildabewildered · 16/01/2012 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SucksToBeMe · 16/01/2012 14:14

I had a good friend who told me my new born DS looked like a "Paki oompa lumpa"
I had just a a emergency c-section and my DS had been very poorly. I was so shocked that i just gawped at her. Even now i can't think of a decent reply to such a awful thing to say. Sad We are not friends anymore

Tryharder · 16/01/2012 14:16

Her comment was crass and ridiculous but I think you are overreacting a little. I would tell her that you found her comment offensive and see what her reaction is.

OliPocket · 16/01/2012 14:16

I could do that but I honestly think it'll fall on deaf ears. I'm pretty certain she won't apologise...she'll think I've had a sense of humour failure.

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LineRunner · 16/01/2012 14:18

Bloody hell, Sucks.

I mean, why does anyone come out with stuff like this?

OliPocket · 16/01/2012 14:21

suckstobeme I'm not surprised you're not friends anymore. What a shitty thing to say about your DS :(

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SucksToBeMe · 16/01/2012 15:59

Thanks line and oli x

LineRunner · 16/01/2012 16:09

But it's more than being shitty towards young children and babies - it's being vile and shitty towards the people in the comparisons, too. Jewish children on the way to a concentration camp? 'Paki' oompah loompahs?

Seriously, I don't think anyone's over-reacting here. In fact I'm rather surprised some posters seem so sanguine about it. Or are we all Frankie Boyle accolytes 24/7 now, whatever the context?

shagmundfreud · 16/01/2012 16:13

I commented that my own ds looked like he'd come out of a concentration camp after his last haircut. I'm not the first person to say something along these lines and won't be the last. It's not a racist comment is it? Just a rather black one. Unless it was said to a Jewish person when it would be received as especially crass and insensitive.

Maybe it's because I'm old and grizzled and it takes a lot to upset me, but I think tactlessness isn't the worst crime in the world. friendships are very precious. I wouldn't jettison one over a couple of ill considered comments.

RuleBritannia · 16/01/2012 16:19

I would keep it gently friendly. You never know; there might come a time when you need her. For instance, if something happens to you and your young DC has to run next door for help.

OliPocket · 16/01/2012 18:47

Thanks for all your comments, they've helped me to see that it's not really about this one thing. I've come to the conclusion that she and i are too different to be good friends but can probably rub along ok as neighbours. She is extremely tactless but thick skinned herself so not a good match for me it seems.

Everyone has their own threshold for offence so I don't expect everyone to be as miffed as I am about it. Something that one person finds offensive might not even register to someone else. I did wonder if i was being a bit of a sensitive little flower at the time, so i ran it by a handful of close friends (who don't know her) and they were all as Shock as i was. It's interesting to see that it doesn't offend some people but then i guess there are things that i don't find offensive that others would be outraged by.

So, it turns out she's just not my sort of person. No biggie in the great scheme of things and not worth my knickers getting any more twisted.

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