Is my reaction an exaggeration? tearful and confused

[CryingAtMyParty]

Hi I don't know where to put this so AIBU it is as I need a fresh perspective.

Simple trigger, DD (7) not invited to a party. Yeah yawn.

But, the friend concerned is part of a close group, so other 2 BFs were invited to the party, at a local venue, of 5 girls, 2 girls not part of the group, and 1 girl who is but had been falling out with party girl.

Yeah, yeah, heard it all before...people can invite who they want to parties, because it's there business not mine. But, DD and this girl have always been to each other's parties, and what's more, since DH died last year DD has hosted a 3 extra parties (a: to cheer her up; and b: because my house is now rarely tidy enough to have people round so I tidy up and roll all playdates into one). And this girl has been invited and come to all of them.

I know that DD is suffering because she didn't tell me about the fact that she wasn't invited; serious things she keeps to herself and becomes very withdrawn, whereas usually she tells me about everything. To make matters worse the teacher had asked party girl about her prospective party and she had told the class who she'd invited and what they would be doing.

And here's the final rub. I just don't understand why this has happened. The mother had offered to help out with DD and DS (baby) after DH died, and I took her up on the offer once, though I have used my closer friends more often, but not that often - because, oh I don't know, I don't want to be a burden but I know people want to help. So I try to get the balance right. But now I don't know anything. Maybe the others offer to help because they feel that it is their 'duty' and they don't actually like me or DD at all? Maybe we're too wierd?

DD is so loyal to her friends this type of incident is heartbreaking. She is also very philosophical about not getting invited to other parties where she doesn't often play with the girl concerned. Actually she was left out of a party a few weeks ago; again all her freinds were invited, but it was the girl who has been a bit troublesome so she just told me that she didn't expect to be invited (still odd because we'd met outside of school with that girl and her mother a month before).

Oh I'd hate to think that I am the cause of my daughter's unpopularity. Or is this an exageration. Or am I still emotional after DH's death. Or AIBU to expect that these mother's could have insisted that my DD was invited, despite, or because of, her father's death 3 months ago? And knowing that she'd been left out of the previous party.

I can't say anything to anyone in RL about these incidents. But if people don't tell me what DD and/or I are doing wrong then we can't correct things either. I feel so so so down. Advise me, please.

It does sound thoughtless, at best, and I see what you are saying. Maybe you are over-thinking this a bit, and yes, I did wonder if your grief was making it all worse... Have you been offered any grief counselling at all? Maybe it might help a bit. Hugs to you and dd...

Really could not let this go unanswered though I am probably as much use as a carpet fitter's ladder in terms of constructive advice.

Just to say though that in your situation you would be totally weird if minor-ish things did NOT upset you. You are in a very vulnerable place and obviously hugely protective of your DD. But fwiw I don't think you are remotely unreasonable to hope that other mums will be 'looking out' for your DD and I think they all need a good bum kicking.

That's all really. Not a lot of help I'm afraid but if you just want to vent/rant/offload you can always PM

Hugs

Even if you weren't in the position you are in now (so sorry for your loss) I would still think that the other parent/child is not being very kind.

Don't peiople think about their actions and their ramifications? Even if it was a space/money/personality issue there are ways of dealing tactfully.

I just don't get it.

I think it's thoughtless of them.

Sorry for your loss, too.

I couldn't let this go unanswered. If you hadn't seen these people recently I'd have said that DD wasn't invited because the parents felt awkard about what to say to someone who had had such a loss (I know after my mum died when I was a teenager I found people crossed the road to avoid having to speak to me). However, you have seen them and the girls have been playing together so I suspect it is purely an oversight / disorganisation on the part of the party parents.

I really can't imagine that they don't like you or your dd becuase they have playdates etc.

I think you are emotional just now (understandable) so things that hurt your child seem unbearable. Please be kind to yourself, take dd out for a treat, and remember that you seem like a lovely parent to us here online.

Hugs to you and dd

I'm really sorry for your loss. Are you getting any real-life support with your grief? The bereavement board on here is very supportive too. It's totally understandable that you're extra protective over your DD right now, and YNBU at all.

Thanks, thanks and thanks. I am so living up to the 1st part of my MN name today. I keep thinking that this is the trigger I have been waiting for to cry, cry, cry; and trying to convince myself that it may be a good thing. But why at DD's expense? It's breaking my heart.
I just told her that it was unfair and inexplicable.

I wouldn't mind it happening to me; well I have been deliberately snubbed in a social context by a very competitive colleague who wanted my position at work, but there, that was the reason!

I just can't ask anyone who might know in RL what is going on, because instantly that risks becoming divisive.

I'm also sad because the obvious response is to say that the other girl doesn't come to DD's party - and I don't want to end up down that route either.

I know this is yet another thread about 'my DC not invited' but goodness does this create sadness.

I think there is something even odder than usual about me. I am aloof (shy as possibly can be in reality) and try to play myself down. Not a sustainable plan. For DC's sake I need to change and fit in with the crowd.

yes I have been receiving grief counselling. And CBT for chronic depression (not helped by a decade of infertility before the miracle pregnancies). I'm actually 5-10 years older than my mummy peers. DH really felt the age thing; but I don't think that it is just age.

Crying, I have PM'd you.

I don't think your reaction is an over exaggeration at all. Here's a link to the book I mentioned in my PM: Tear Soup I keep recommending it as it is by far the best book I have read about grief.

I would suggest you have a chat with the girl's mother. Maybe give her a call and invite her out for a coffee. Thank her for her offer of help and explain that things are sometimes still hard - that your grief doesn't just disappear and you would still really appreciate her support and her friendship. Tell her that your DD is really upset and feels excluded. I am sure she hasn't thought this through and it is an oversight rather than anything more callous (at least, I really hope that is the case).

I think you probably are overthinking. 5 friends is a very small number and probably there were more children who would have liked/expected to be invited who weren't. You say they've always been to each other's parties, but maybe last year there were more invites.

The first year dd1 reduced back her invites I felt very guilty because there were children who she'd "always invited" but from going from parties of about 10-15 she wanted to go somewhere we needed to drive them to, and we couldn't fit more than 3 invitees in the car.

What I do think is UR is the teacher letting the party girl tell everyone who/what etc. That is hard for the other children to listen. Even if they wouldn't expect to be invited it's a bit mean to make them all listen to what they're missing.

I'd expect the other mums to be looking out for your dd and you, and it sounds like they are in that they're offering to help look after them, but I'm not sure that they'd extrapolate that to parties. I suspect it's thoughtless rather than a deliberate missing out.

Very much doubt it's anything you've done.

First of all my sympathies for your loss. You sound like a lovely mum who is handling all this very bravely, rather than over-emotionally IMO.

Even without the background, I'd say YANBU, though the death of your DH makes it even worse. I wonder if it's because people are assuming that your DD wouldn't want to go so soon after her DF's death?

If you're up to it, perhaps a quick chat with your DD's teacher may help. She could run a session on grief and how to deal with people about it. It may make your DD's friends think a bit harder about it and tell their own parents accordingly. It may also help to deal directly with the other parents about it, but that takes quite a lot of nerve and it would be more than understandable if you just couldn't face that right now.

Hope you find a resolution.

So sorry for your loss. This must be so difficult for you. I wonder if they are not inviting your dd out of respect for you and your recent bereavement. It might be worth having a chat with the friend's mother and clarifying that you are ok with dd being invited out to celebratory events.

Thanks all, I feel so much more sttled with some suggestions. Rindercella, I'll follow up your advice. Chrysanthemum, yes I'm experiencing a metaphorical 'crossing the road' thing from the mum of another of DDs best friends. I'm hoping time will heal that one.

Let's face it; I haven't settled immediately into single parenthood. Life's a pendulum, I catch myself expecting too much of DD and chastising her, and other times maybe I spoil her a bit to cheer her up.

She likes to make her friends laugh, so fools around. Some mum's might find her too immature, and I think that has, perhaps unconsciously, been the case where she is more obviously being snubbed. I gently try to guide her, just as any mum supports their DD through life's lessons.

But back to the party. We are talking inner circle of playground friendships here. And logistics, cost, cap on numbers; knowing the venue I don't think so.

I'll try the friendliness route (that's not meant to sound calculating, I am mega shy and not self-confident) and aim towards resolution that way.

thanks again lovely 'mnetters'

reading your posts again has reminded me of the RL mums who are helping with love and hugs and friendship and play for the children. I feel so guilty now for even thinking that they might have been doing this out of a sense of duty. I was feeling full of anguish when I typed that first post.
my head's aching with all this emotion but you're really helping me through a tough patch
excuse typing - ds asleep on my lap

Not sure if this is the right advice, but I think I'd have a friendly word with the teacher and explain that dd is feeling upset and left out and would she mind not drawing too much attention to this other girl's party, in class. I think it was quite insensitive, because kids do get upset when they are not included in things, although I'm sure the teacher just didn't think.

I feel your dd is entitled to a bit of extra care and thought. Fwiw, I don't think you are overreacting either - I'd be very upset too, even without you particular circumstances. The best I can think of is that some people are just not very good, when it comes to talking to people who've been bereaved, or that she's been a bit thoughtless and asked her dd to pick 5 friends and kids being fickle creatures she's chosen her friends 'of the moment'. If this party had taken place next month 5 completely different kids may have been chosen.

I don't think having a quiet word with the girls Mum will be divisive, especially since you're manner seems to be quite gentle. It'll help you understand what's going on perhaps - afterall, we all want to protect our DC, especially at vulnerable times in life.

I'm so sorry for your and your children's loss

your manner

welsh moth, I am quiet and non-confrontational, but i think that the words will come out in the wrong order and the wrong message conveyed. much as i'd love to have it in the open. sorry about typing ds is now woken and bf'ing.

dd not having the best time with teacher. keeps being told off for being late; i've told the school that the lateness is my fault. i just want to scream sometimes that 4 months after a death is no time at all. in some ways our problems are only beginning as we emerge from the mists of numbness and the fog of disbelief. i hate life at the moment. these incidents just re-inforce that feeling and the struggle against the perpetual tide.

You're right, 4 months is no time at all. None. In a way it also becomes a time when things become harder - if that is possible. All of the admin that goes around death is mostly sorted and the 'new' normal kicks in. Which can be really, really difficult. The last thing you want is a normality existing without your DH.

Your DD's teacher should not be telling her off if you have already explained the situation. If she really has such a problem, then she should be talking to you - I would think that your DD does not get herself to school all by herself? Therefore at 7 she is not responsible for her lateness. Perhaps you could have a chat with the teacher and the head together to explain that extra sensitivity is needed at this time.

You sound lovely and considerate and caring and a wonderful mother. I am so, so sorry for your loss x

Crying, go and see the Head. They must have more care in place for your DD. You have to convey your concerns with the school and since you've already spoken to them, I feel you have to sit down with the Head T and discuss this further. 4 months isn't any time at all.

actually welshmoth, I'd love the other mum to know because then she can decide whether to do something nice to make up to DD, like invite her round . And/or, I'd also know if she has a 'problem' with us, which might be something that is easily rectified. Even though it's probably not at all important to her (the mum that is). I can't say anything to anyone because it would take the 'shine' off her daughter's birthday and party and risk making her feel bad when she should be feeling good. I did once decades ago get upset about not being invited to something organised by a friend, a riding thing that she thought (probably correctly) that my horse wouldn't be able to handle, just that she didn't have the courtesy or forethought to explain this so I just felt dumped, and it all went pears from then on. I'm not repeating that mistake.

Four months after a death is nothing, how strong you've had to be - like you say you're emerging from the shock into the reality of life without your loved one and it must be a really tough time. I'd hope it was just one of those things where it's crossed wires. If you possibly can, let it go on the basis that unpicking it further might cause you more stress and this might not be a battle worth picking.

welshmoth, I would like to talk to the head - but I'll just cry. Everyone thinks that we are dealing with this so bravely. Think I'm amazing. In fact we're more creaky than Donna's hotel in Mama Mia. There's more than a crack in my patio, if I use that as a metaphor for life. My patio is suspended on ricepaper, and like Donna there's only me to try to fix everything but it's all about to fall apart around me. apprearances are deceptive.

Could you send a text along the lines of "DD's a bit upset about not coming to the party, she's worrying that she might have done something to upset your dd but doesn't know what."

I know text isn't the best way to do these things, but it means that you won't get upset in front of her and she won't have to get defensive.

By suggesting your dd is worrying about upsetting her friend it comes across as about their friendship rather than "why didn't you invite dd aggressive", but it lets her know that your dd knows and is upset at being left out (she probably didn't bank on the teacher making a thing about it in school, you could even mention that in the text) and if there is a reason she can discuss it with you. Sometimes people think they're being helpful when actually they're not. It then gives her the opening to say "we'd love her to come" if that's now possible.

But on the being late I would speak to the head. When I was pregnant with ds and struggling to get dd1 into school her form teacher used to hold the register for 15 minutes to give me extra time to get her in without being officially late. Nothing was either said to her, as I think was right. She was ready... I just had to finish throwing up before I could bring her.