Is my reaction an exaggeration? tearful and confused

[CryingAtMyParty]

Hi I don't know where to put this so AIBU it is as I need a fresh perspective.

Simple trigger, DD (7) not invited to a party. Yeah yawn.

But, the friend concerned is part of a close group, so other 2 BFs were invited to the party, at a local venue, of 5 girls, 2 girls not part of the group, and 1 girl who is but had been falling out with party girl.

Yeah, yeah, heard it all before...people can invite who they want to parties, because it's there business not mine. But, DD and this girl have always been to each other's parties, and what's more, since DH died last year DD has hosted a 3 extra parties (a: to cheer her up; and b: because my house is now rarely tidy enough to have people round so I tidy up and roll all playdates into one). And this girl has been invited and come to all of them.

I know that DD is suffering because she didn't tell me about the fact that she wasn't invited; serious things she keeps to herself and becomes very withdrawn, whereas usually she tells me about everything. To make matters worse the teacher had asked party girl about her prospective party and she had told the class who she'd invited and what they would be doing.

And here's the final rub. I just don't understand why this has happened. The mother had offered to help out with DD and DS (baby) after DH died, and I took her up on the offer once, though I have used my closer friends more often, but not that often - because, oh I don't know, I don't want to be a burden but I know people want to help. So I try to get the balance right. But now I don't know anything. Maybe the others offer to help because they feel that it is their 'duty' and they don't actually like me or DD at all? Maybe we're too wierd?

DD is so loyal to her friends this type of incident is heartbreaking. She is also very philosophical about not getting invited to other parties where she doesn't often play with the girl concerned. Actually she was left out of a party a few weeks ago; again all her freinds were invited, but it was the girl who has been a bit troublesome so she just told me that she didn't expect to be invited (still odd because we'd met outside of school with that girl and her mother a month before).

Oh I'd hate to think that I am the cause of my daughter's unpopularity. Or is this an exageration. Or am I still emotional after DH's death. Or AIBU to expect that these mother's could have insisted that my DD was invited, despite, or because of, her father's death 3 months ago? And knowing that she'd been left out of the previous party.

I can't say anything to anyone in RL about these incidents. But if people don't tell me what DD and/or I are doing wrong then we can't correct things either. I feel so so so down. Advise me, please.

Crying, you're extremely good at expressing yourself in words as your eloquent posts on here prove. If you can't face the head in person, how about writing to her?

Four months is definitely a difficult stage in grief, not least because it's the stage where help starts being withdrawn and other people expect you to be over the worst of it. It's a double-whammy and the school really should be more considerate of that (as should the other parents, but the school has a professional duty of care unlike the other parents).

As the queen of over thinking I agree I think you are over thinking! But I totally understand why as my dd went through similar issues after her dad left. Not the same I know but there is still grief and the reactions of various people to it.
If you are like me you try and shoulder all the burden for your children so your sense of wanting to fix the situation maybe a little distorted.
Children friendships groups vary and often quickly and drastically, it might be just the simple fact this girl has started to move friendship groups.
Or it is possible your dd is a bit withdrawn atm at school - id def get in touch with school and ask how things are going and if anyone has been working with her to deal with her grief. Social/emotional packs are in all schools to help with grief/anger, yr dd need more support outside of the family and school should provide her with some esp if she is showing any signs of withdrawal from social groups.
If they say she is fine at school Id rather put it down to one of those things than expect the parent to make up for it.
One of my good friends who I often help with various things and I like a lot I wont have her dd in my house because she is so very immature. Being disabled I cant keep up with her destructive bull in a china shop way. Id never ever say anything to her mum though! A) she knows what she is like and doesnt need to hear it from me B) We cant all like everyone elses kids, I live with it and do other things when the urge arises.

I dont know where my paragraphs went! They were there honest!

This is really sad, and all caused by people being careless - the girl, the mother, the teacher, the school. I'd be gutted without the loss of your dh, it's remarkably insensitive of them all. Your dd should be getting more support from school, inc friendship issues. imo kids often need to be taught social skills in an almost formal way.
Best wishes

This is really sad, and all caused by people being careless - the girl, the mother, the teacher, the school.

Couldn't agree more.

Also agree with writing to the Head - I think you'd get a better result doing that since the Head will be able to absorb what you're saying without acting immediately. After reading everything you've written here, and written so well, I challenge anyone to not show you and your DD more compassion.

I also don't think it's a cop out to text the Mother to say something along the line's of "I was wondering if there's been a problem that I don't know about with the girls - it's just that DD is so confused to have not been invited. If I knew what it was, I could help her understand. Sorry for the text, I didn't want to come across as confrontational, but I just hate to see DD bewildered".

It may be worth a go?

Crying, completely at a tangent, have you thought of joining your local widowed and young group? (WAY). There will be many more people there in the same boat as you. The reason I know about it is that a good friend of mine (who doesn't live near me) lost her DH when her DC were about 7 and 4. Joining this group really helped her and her DC. They met people at different stages of grief.

My friend did what she thought was right for her family. The school are being a bit harsh with you and DD, I think.

My friend had loads of people helping her for a long, long time which is what she needed. She was so grateful. You have to let people help you, though (absolutely not meant as a criticism - writing can come over as harsh sometimes).

Don't worry about crying in front of the head, either. I've done that, for a much more trivial reason. I think heads are probably used to it.

I am sending you the most positive thoughts I can. You write in a very "together" way and I hope that you manage to sort this out. As another poster wrote -This is really sad, and all caused by people being careless - the girl, the mother, the teacher, the school. People are careless, usually because they don't know how to react.

Sorry, meant to write that you should let people help you if that's what's right for you and your family.

very sorry for your loss - would agree wiht talking to school - wouldn't be impressed with teacher talking about parties in the class tbh - think its something they just generally don't do.

woudl also ask teacher if you can how your DD is getting on in school and see if theres anything maybe she and you can do to help her if she needs help in any way.

...but I would also guard against over thinking the party situation - you can't really manage whether your child gets invited to party and tbh I would never ask someone why your child wasn't invited to party - I just think its an over reaction no matter what tbh

very sorry again for your loss and hope your DD is ok

Who knows, there is usually a limit at these parties, and often family have to be invited, and perhaps DD's friend couldn't invite everyone she would have liked.

I have also known a friend to completely forget to invite someone (another friend's DD). I asked (all innocent, on the pretext of shared lifts etc). Turned out to be a gentle reminder which had her rushing home to telephone and apologise.

Try not to think the worst, hard as it seems.

Kind thoughts and useful information. I am exhausted in the way that extreme emotion induces. I now realise that the school playground friendship thing just pushes all my emotional buttons; but hey I'm not alone there.

Tomorrow I will call DD's counsellor. They had a fantastic rapport and I think this situation justifies further sessions. She is a former teacher, and I may even be able to elicit further advice from her.

I'd love to find a young widows group. The aforementioned counselling service provides 6 monthly family get-togethers. We attended our first at Christmas. However the widowhood is the elephant in the room wherever I am, it seems.

I quite like the idea of gently trying to find out if DD (or indeed I) have offended in any way, without referring to the party. In that way the door is still open to invite her dd to my dd's party later this year. For example, I think that she may worry that I let the children eat junk food, but I showed her the menu , prepared by DD who planned the occasion, when she was last here. It included organic salad alongside the toffee popcorn.

I think that I will also contact the head-teacher. Again the school were good enough at the time of the death (at the start of the academic year) but a reminder that our grief still has to run it's course...I would not have realised that either without first hand experience. Another be nice to DD reminder to the pupils would not go amiss.

And finally, thanks for the nice comments about my writing. I just can't say these things, I even stammer. Cool mum in the playground that I am...NOT

So sorry for your loss.

I really think it's worth speaking to the other mother. Maybe avoid the party issue as much as poss but say you wanted to check with her whether her DD and your DD had had a falling out. Your DD had been upset at not being invited and you explained about numbers etc etc but she was upset and didn't want to discuss it so you wondered if there was more to it. And obviously you want to do your best to support her at the moment. And be rather "Hugh Grant" and English about it all, sorry, this is terribly embarrassing but I have to ask etc etc! I'm sure you'll be more eloquent than I'm being!

And 4 months is NO time at all. Your DD's teacher sounds like a witch and I think you should definitely discuss with the head.

You sound lovely and normal and remember that struggling with grief like this is COMPLETELY NORMAL. As The Queen said, "Grief is the price we pay for love."

I'm so sorry for your loss.

The other mother sounds thoughtless, I think. Or do you think your DH's death could be dreadging up bad feelings in her of a previous loss and she is trying to push you away due to that.

I can't believe that your DD is being told off for being late .

I am also amazed that you have managed to host three extra parties - you sound amazing, whether or not you think there are cracks in your patio!

I'm sorry for your loss.

Could it be that some parents have (wrongly) felt it was the wrong thing to do to invite your DD to a party so soon after your bereavement? Some people just don't know what to do.

Your DD should not be told off for being late. A reminder to the school of your situation would be a good idea. It's also possible that some people don't know what it's like being bereaved, just how much effort it takes to get through the day, how you try to be dry eyed in public and so on. Some may think you are ok.

Also, not all the parents will necessarily have heard about your sad loss, Working parents who have to drop and dash are often out of the loop as are some who don't hang around in the playground. Now after 4 months, it is unlikely to be mentioned so some may just not know.

You sound lovely OP, I wish you and your DC all the best.

My post above was general, but to your OP, YANBU. The other mother is and I would just ask her gently if there has been a misunderstanding.

So, who among us is the cool mum in the playground? Crying, you're a cool mam on here

(and what they ^ said)

Hi, I am so grateful to all who have helped me thorugh this crisis point, you have made such a huge difference.

As one of you kindly pointed out, it takes an event like this, which is nothing more sinister than thoughtlessness I'm sure, to trigger that immense outpouring of grief that our 'stiff upper lipped' culture usually does so badly. Yes I hate any form of clique developing that then results in someone being excluded, but this has brought me a large measure of personal good as well. Your messages are a key part of that

I'm still left with the slightly awkward situation to handle. I have very quietly asked a close and supportive friend, who had DD to tea yesterday, to let me know if DD mentions the party. On the basis that I have asked DD not to mention the party, for fear of causing offence, though I did mention that she might because she was hurt not to be invited.

So at least if DD does start saying "I think xxx was 'mean' not to invite me to her party" then it ought to be out there that I've asked her not to, and that I've explained to her why. Damage limitation. DD knows she can share thoughts with me at any time, that I am sympathetic. And I've called her counsellor, which will please her.

As if by magic, or divine intervention, that children's counselling charity have organised another family get together next week.

Cheery waves, and I might even revert to my previous, and less desperate sounding, MN nickname!

Sorry to hear about your dh

As others have said it's likely that the girl didn't get to invite everyone she wanted. I would explain this to your dd. If it is part of a wider 'leaving her out' issue then reinforce that she only needs to play with children who are nice to her.

I agree that the teacher was probably ill advised to ask who was invited to the party and what they would be doing in front of kids who weren't invited.

Could your dd have another friend over that day and do something fun? Top some pizzas and watch a dvd or something? Or maybe go out somewhere if getting the house ready for guests would be stressful?