to be dismayed that 5 years down the line.....I am avoiding most of my neighbours

[porcamiseria]

I have gone through life managing to meddle along with most folks, but now as I contemplate living in our house for nearly 5 years I am gutted that I am on non-speaking/avoiding terms with at least 5 neighbours. is it me? or is it them?

1. ex CM, had a fall out over hours. HATE HER, avoid. she is known to be a cow
2. family who asked us to cat sit, then got all wierd with us afterwards and ignored the birth of our child. no idea why, really upset DP who really put himself out. now awkward
3. neighbour that cheated on her DH, then it got MESSY. cant say much more, but she knows DP hates her and now its awkward and I avoid her. but as we used to be friendly (ish) its very awkwards
4. another neighbour that majorly shit stirred in issue above, two faced and dont trust her, now avoiding her too
5. neighbour that is OK, but made racist comment about local school that really discomfited me

so I am really hacked off as I used to love living here but now if I take my DC fior a toddle I literally have my head down. I want to move

has anyone else had this?

Poor you - that sounds really horrible.
I don't "do" neighbours. I am polite and friendly but distant. They don't cross my threshold.
I don't like all the complications of human relationships on my doorstep for the reasons you have spelled out - if you fall out with any of them then it buggers up your home life.
I live in a small village where you are expected to participate in everything.
I hate it.

why do you all need to know about, and get involved in each others business? i wouldnt know if my neighbour was screwing the pope, i wouldnt want to either, just keep the contact to a cheery 'good morning', keep an eye on the elderly (ie, make sure you see them in the street at least once a week and offer help in bad weather) and MYOB!

Yes!

I have had this and I did/do want to move

But I then got friendly again with 2 neighbours, and went round and made my peace with another one, and it feels good again!

I fell out with the local alcoholic mother when she rang me to rant at 4 am!! O told her exactly what the rest of the village were saying about her.... Now she doesn't speak to me. Unless she is drink, then I'm her best friend again!

No, I can't say I've had much to do with any of my neighbours when I was living with my parents, and now that I'm in Sweden we simply don't HAVE any neighbours where we are.

The trouble with a close knit community is the risk of being a bit too close, just like some friends or groups. Numbers 3 and 4 on that list make me wonder, how did you become involved in that? Were you good friends with them before?

Number 1 doesn't really carry enough detail to comment on, although I'd understand you not wanting to go into it.

Number 2, you said you'd no idea why they went weird. Do you mean they stopped being friendly with you? Like they backed away all of a sudden?

Number 5 doesn't have to be on that list really. Depending on the remark made there might be no need to avoid him. There are far too many essentially good and kind people being written off because of ignorance or frustration who could only benefit from information which could change their view. If he said something abusive or very crass then that's more about his personality than his view.

I'm a firm believer that there's more than meets the eye with most people, and I'm never willing to judge too quickly, so I'm probably of no use to you since I don't know any of the parties involved or their side of the story, or indeed you.

Sounds like they could have a problem with your dp.

What do you expect people to do when you have a child? Not sure what you want there really, but at least you no longer have to cat sit.

As for the racist guy, that's no great loss really is it?

Sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

Like other posters this is why I say hello if see my neighbours but that's about it.

DH helps out if people need jobs doing (they know he's a bit of a handyman) and likewise they do the same e.g. teenager who lives a couple of doors down helps DH out now and again to earn some pocket money.

Wouldn't want to get "friendly" with people IYSWIM though as like to go about my business undisturbed.

Think that actually makes me sound like a bit of a misery

I am on non-speaking/avoiding terms with at least 5 neighbours. is it me?

yes i would say it probably is you. Or at the very least, you are contributing to the problem majorly

This is exactly why we are friendly, polite and civil to neighbours (and helpful if necessary e.g. during snow) but keep ourselves to ourselves.
Friends are obviously a different matter - but with neighbours you see almost daily it's best to be just on polite nodding terms.
I have only been inside neighbours' houses about twice even though we have lived here around 20 years.

I tend to find with people who fall out with a lot of people....it normally is them!!

Why are you avoiding them? Why can't you just say hello/good morning and get on with whatever it is you're doing? I can understand why you don't want to be overly friendly, but seriously can't understand why you can't just be civil and polite!!!

Sorry, but who is the common denominator?

Unless you are extremely unlucky I wonder if you have maybe, with the best intentions, become too involved with other people's business. Or carried petty stuff on that maybe you should have dropped?

I talk somewhat from personal experience as MIL and FIL live in a road (they call it a cul de sac....) and nobody speaks to them. They are convinced it's everyone else's problem - it's not.

1 - I really would, as someone else has said, try to just make your peace.
2 - I would have asked them as soon as they started acting weird after the cat-sitting thing, surely there's more to it? So ask now.
3/4 - Was it really anything to do with you?
5 - Just ignore that one - I'm sure everyone else would as well.

You aren't one of those people who 'don't give a shit anyway' or you wouldn't have asked the question. Walking around with your dc with your head down is just rediculous. Try to get it sorted. Puff out your chest and ring the ex CM. You will feel much better, I promise!

Sorry if I've offended, but you did ask......

I moved to a small suburb and had 2 kids in quick sucession, so thats kind of why I know these people, as all have small kids too! Look you are all right, GIVE A SHIT, raise head, smile, small chit chat. I just feel sad as it like its all a bit tainted now

I work FT, if I was a SAHM would be worse

and I should have asked cat sit people, bit its a wierd one as we did not have a deep enough relationship to ask them, and its now just hideosly awkward

I think I need to make a concerted effort to not care, not give it any emotional energy, as lets face it I cant afford to move

but it does not sit right with me

If you work FT, surely you don't see these people very much. Why do you feel that you have to walk through the street with your head bowed?

I would just not give any of the stuff any more headspace. They are not your friends, neither do they have to be. They are just people which coincidentally have the same address. You don't need to speak to them.

I am on polite nodding terms with my neighbours, lived here 3 years and don't speak. There is no need to.

If you have fallen out with 5 neighbours it does sound as if it is either you or your DP at fault - sorry.

You may not have caused the initial upset. But have you contributed by being over sensitive to stuff or bearing a grudge? Or have you got too involved by giving your opinions when they haven't been asked for?

For example, I know we don't know the details but with the neighbour that cheated on her DP - why would a neighbours bad behaviour to their DP mean that you feel out with them? You might disapprove of their behaviour, but I don't see why this would have led to a falling out.

I think we did maybe progress friendships with people we did not really gel with cos we were new to area. lesson learned. and yes I did get 2 involved with adultery case but she turned up on my doorstep in fucking hysterics. But yes, I will keep my mouth shut and try and to not be friendly with people that I have fuck all in common with. Its just hard, esp for DP who is a SAHD

It could be you, it could be them, it could be a couple you and a couple them. You might be impossible to get along with or you might have had terrible luck to have ended up with 5 impossible neighbours. It's just impossible to say. Each of the situations you outline have many different possibilities that would totally change who was at 'fault' and what's going on here (except No 5!)

Your ex childminder, for example. Did she change hours on you, or did you let her down and she responded badly?

Cat sit people, if they were happy to have you cat sit and then got funny with you after, I can only assume that they came home to something that upset them. Mess? cat shit on the bed? Had you made a coffee? Could be anything.

Neighbour who cheated, well, none of your business was it? So either you involved yourselves or she involved you. Without knowing exactly what happened (and I appreciate that you can't say) it's just impossible to know whether you guys involved yourselves in something that was someone else's business, judged her or whether she, for example, tried to get you to lie for her, etc

Shit stirring neighbour clearly an arse but was neighbour telling lies, or giving accurate information that perhaps would have been better off not shared.

Racist neighbour should be slapped until their face falls off.

What has your neighbours affair got to do with you? Why are you poking your nose into other people's business and making drama out of it?

Of course you are the problem. Keep out of other peoples personal business and you won't have a problem.

bobble I now wish for the years where I knew noone in unfriendly London

But yes, I have learnt a sorry lesson

KEEP MY FUCKING MOUTH SHUT AND DONT GET INVOLVED

i have friends, I dont need any more

Yes, it is probably you. You sound like a very involved person.

OK, feel even worse now! I did ask hey

Oh sorry.

'involved' wasn't meant to be a bad thing - just descriptive. I am not an involved person. I smile politely and discuss the weather and couldn't tell you the first thing about any of my neighbours. They probaby think I'm stand-offish.

I think you've had some great step-by-step advice from people on this thread. The fact that you are involved and more giving of yourself means that when you get back on an even keel with them you will have lovely warm rewarding relationships. I expect your life is more interesting for it.

Jean-Paul Sartre - '"Hell is other people"

Read, memorise, remind yourself everyday for this is true.

Wow, I'm just surprised that you know your neighbours that well! We've lived here a couple of years and I wouldn't even recognise anyone in the street, aside from the man next door (joining ours) as we sometimes get each other's parcels. That's about it.

I would heed the advice on here to step back a little bit... home is my safe haven to retreat from the world and other stresses going on... I wouldn't want that sort of involvement or potential for drama right on my doorstep!

So although it might not be you at all, it might be that YABU. Sorry.

I know where you're coming from. In my last house I was on friendly terms with all neighbours and I loved that. Only one was (and is) a friend, but the rest would always smile and nod or exchange pleasantries if we passed one another in the street and it made life feel a bit nicer, gave a sense of community.

Now I've moved to a much better house, but I know none of the neighbours, bar the woman next door who has mad fence related issues with us so just scowls whenever she sees me. It does get me down.

I think the bit where you said you tried to progress friendships with people you didn't really gel with is probably a big part of it.

I've been 'bitten' by getting too friendly with people that aren't really on my wave-length, new place, young DC, just wanted to make friends really but have realised I need to be more careful with who I get close to.

I'm similar, jump in with both feet to friendships sometimes, but when I do get on & make good friendships I know I'm a good supportive friend and would really stand by my friends.

I wouldn't want to shut off from people who are new on off chance they are arses. Just need to be a bit careful.