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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A DS was nearly run over by a van - AIBU to refuse to ever take them out again?

27 replies

WhereCanIGoFromHere · 15/01/2012 15:51

Took the 3 DSs (aged 9,9 and 17 months) for a stroll to the park about 5 mins alk from home with a ball for them to have a kickabout. Put DS3 on walking reins so the 'walk' could tire him out as he hates holding hands but he decided to pretend to be a puppet on a string and I was continually having to get him to walk and it took 10 mins just to get to the top of the road.

The twin DSs were in front arguing about whose ball it was and therefore who should carry it. I bend down to lift up DS3 again and heard the screech of brakes. Stood up to see DTS1 in the middle of the road picking up the bloody ball with a van screeching to a stop in front of him. I screamed at him 'what in hell's name are you doing'. Van man put his hand up and went on his way

Apparently DTS2 had thrown the ball in the road and DTS1 thought he had time to get it.

I mean ffs we are always telling them never to run in the road, especially not to get a ball. Surely they are old enough to get it through their skulls by now? I am sick of repeating myself. I normally put the ball in the shopping tray on the pram but obviously did'nt take it this time.

I am fucking furious at them both. No least because the scenario of the van driver not being on the ball and being alert could have meant that I lost DS1 in front of my eyes or it could have had to swerve and caused an accident. A usual day could have turned into a nightmare.

Both twin DSs are horribly behaved when we are out anyway even when with DH, not listening, wandering off, running about, arguing etc. We recently lost DS2 in a busy shopping centre because I expected him to follow us and he did'nt. After 20 minutes frantic searching, I went to the police station to report him missing but he turned up just after that when I was beside myself. I could rationalise that nothing would have happened to him but I kept thinking 'what if we can't find him'.

AIBU to say that I am never taking them out on my own again. I really do not need the stress, they literally make me dizzy! They can bloody well stay indoors and be bored shitless until they're 18!!

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 15/01/2012 15:53

9 is around the age they can be expected to remember about road safety but clearly they haven't got it yet. What sanctions do you employ when they behave badly?

brighthair · 15/01/2012 15:56

Have a meeting place if you are somewhere in case they get lost
Hopefully van will have frightened them a bit - I don't mean that in a nasty way IYSWIM
If you go out and they don't behave, go home. If they can't behave then treat them like small children and suggest toddler reins

troisgarcons · 15/01/2012 15:56

Can you actually blame the van driver for 'not being on the ball' ??? I assume he was within the speed limit?

Ineedalife · 15/01/2012 15:57

Sounds like you need to find their currency!! If you do that you won't get this works wonders by the time they get to 9.

Usually computer time, tv time or any other kind of gadget ban will help to restore disipline but you need to be consistant.

It is really hard but it is their safety ant the end of the day.

Good luck.

Original poster

WhereCanIGoFromHere · 15/01/2012 16:03

Well tbh I am normally telling them 'wait til you get home' in gritted teeth and when we get home, they are sent to their room or made to write lines 'I must not skid down the aisle at Tesco' or ' I must not drive Mum loopy with my shouting and arguing as soon as we step outside of the house'. TV/games are normally taken away and they are sent to bed early depending on the seriousness of the offence. It is not working though obviously!

I know that on their own either of them would be fine as I have seen when I take them out one at a time but that is not always practical when I have a DH who works 6 days a week until 9/10pm at night!!

Wahhhh what did I do to deserve twins - the baby/toddler stage was bad enough. I expected them to get easier but they don't They just do not seem to progress at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhereCanIGoFromHere · 15/01/2012 16:05

troisgarcons Can you actually blame the van driver for 'not being on the ball' ??? I assume he was within the speed limit?

Please learn to read. I said if the van driver had not been on the ball (pun intended), it could have been curtains for DTS1. I was not blaming him in the slightest!

OP posts:

SiamoNellaMerda · 15/01/2012 16:06

It does sound a bit as though neither you nor your DH are completely in charge of these children. As you say this could have been so much worse, ruining not only your life but that of the innocent driver. You seem to insinuate that he was not being alert - clearly you have no idea of how these things can happen in a split second and being 'on the ball' or 'alert' is no barrier against a badly behaved child running into a road. I think you might need to up your game discipline wise - remember that you're the adult, you're in charge.

Northernlurker · 15/01/2012 16:09

Ok their room is full of fun stuff no doubt and writing lines? Seriously?

YOu need to get them to calm down. You maybe need sanctions that wear them out. Like weeding or hoovering the stairs.

troisgarcons · 15/01/2012 16:09

SORRY!

specsavers visit booked

Original poster

WhereCanIGoFromHere · 15/01/2012 16:11

SiamoNellaMerda OFGS am I not posting in English? I was not insinuating the driver was not alert at all. I posted that a different scenario could have been that he was'nt alert and thank god he was.

OP posts:

Tiredmumno1 · 15/01/2012 16:14

It's alright op I think most of us understood what you were saying

Dustinthewind · 15/01/2012 16:16

What are they like in school when being asked to follow rules and listen?
Are they very disruptive in class, or can they control their behaviour when they choose to? If they go to out of school activities, how do they behave there?
if they can, then it is probably that your expectations aren't clear, that your rules are not applied consistently and that the sanctions you are using are ineffective because they are not things that matter too much to your twins.
Do you have a partner? Because changing the behaviour of very determined 9 year olds is tricky at the best of times. As you well know, they will egg each other on and back each other up.
So the more adults around them with high, consistent expectations of behaviour the better. You should not be treated like that, they are old enough to know better.

BrigitBigKnickers · 15/01/2012 16:18

Did you continue with the trip and take them to the park?

Tiredmumno1 · 15/01/2012 16:20

Just to add I can't help with the behaviour, but I am glad it obviously wasn't more serious.

Do you have much rl support?

Maybe you should make them wear wrist straps, it might embarrass them into listening

Dustinthewind · 15/01/2012 16:22

Wrist straps won't work if there are two 9 year old children who would find it entertaining to lunge, run round and round and pull in opposite directions.
Think of it as akin to tying yourself to two badly-behaved shetland ponies.

Tiredmumno1 · 15/01/2012 16:23

dustin I didn't think of it like that

parakeet · 15/01/2012 16:24

Could you have a rule that if either of the twins misbehave when walking along beside the road they have to hold your hand like a little one, maybe for five minutes, or one minute, whatever time you feel is appropriate? Or if you are pushing a buggy, they have to hold the buggy.

choccyp1g · 15/01/2012 16:25

We have had a rule for ever, that the ball is always carried in a bag to the park. Even now, (DS is almost 11), when he goes alone with his friends, one of them is nominated as ball-carrier, and it stays in the bag. If he ever came back with it not in the bag, he will be banned from going to the park on his own.

I always explained, it is not just because the DCs might throw it in the road; an alert driver seeing them with a loose ball, might swerve and cause an accident.

maddiemostmerry · 15/01/2012 16:33

Ball in bag, which they have to carry next time you go to park.

I think the problem when you have multiples is that they tend to egg each other on a bit and no one falls into that older sibling role.

Agree with Northern about giving them plenty of jobs to do as they obviously need some chores to keep them occupied.

Hopefully it may have given them both a fright, in a good way. Give them a good talking to about taking responsibilty.

I'm sure you probably do all of the above, I remember one of mine at that age not closing the garden gate behind him allowing my 18 month old to toddle across the road. I was furious with him but also myself. It's one of those split second moments where you need eyes in the back of the head.

JustHecate · 15/01/2012 16:43

You can't blame the bloody driver

sorry. Couldn't resist.

Our kids give us a heart attack at least twice a week! Then the 'what ifs' drive you to drink!

I think all you can do is carry on with teaching them road safety - maybe sign them up for a course if one is run in your area? And carry on working on behaviour. They'll come through it.

You will be totally grey by then, of course

I sometimes think our children are out to get us!

ragged · 15/01/2012 16:59

imvho, some close calls are a normal part of growing up. It happened to me, it happened to my parents, to DH, to our siblings, & have happened to DC now, too. Hopefully each close call is a very valuable learning experience that prevents a lot of future problems. Wrapping them up in cotton wool doesn't prevent anything, it just delays the time when they start to learn for themselves.

Sorry your DS1 had a close call today. :( In future I think OP carries the ball (in a rucksack if necessary).

IloveJudgeJudy · 15/01/2012 17:37

If I understand you correctly, OP, you are really asking for help in what to do with your DTSs as you seem to insinuate that they are badly behaved most of the time when they are out with you.

I hope you have had a good sit-down talk to them today about what a near-miss that was.

How about never allowing them both to run ahead of you. Maybe one of them can help you with the toddler - could one of them be "responsible" for looking after the toddler. I would also make them promise to behave every single time before you go out to the park or wherever, just for a while.

You need to have sanctions. They may not go up to their bedrooms to write lines - you need them to do it in front of you or, as another poster said, get them to do some housework - not washing up as your kitchen will probably get soaked. Vacuuming is always good, but you're going to have to supervise in case they vacuum up stuff they shouldn't.

The main thing is you need to set out your expectations to them. They're easily old enough now - either Y4 or Y5 at school.

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2012 18:50

Did you bring them straight home again?
Because that would be my sanction every single time they misbehaved when out.

schobe · 15/01/2012 18:59

Even at age 9, I don't think the 'wait till we get home' is immediate enough. It needs to be uncomfortable for them straight away imo, or it will always seem 'worth' the pay off for them to follow their impulses.

schobe · 15/01/2012 19:00

Not as uncomfortable as being hit by a van obv, though I expect that'd learn em.

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