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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is overprotective?

38 replies

ditziness · 15/01/2012 14:13

A friend's dd just started preschool at 2.5 years. After one session my friend is considering not sending her again because she thinks that her dd wasn't being looked after closely enough. My friend stayed for the whole session in an ajacent room, listening out for her dd. after half an hour she heard her dd telling another child " mine, no take it" do she went through and found a child trying to take her dd's toy. She gave the toy back to dd and complained to the staff that they hadn't noticed and intervened, then went back to sit in ajacent room. Apparently then 5 mins later dd came through to her, and the staff disn't notice her leaving the room. She was then furious that the staff weren't 't watching her dd. she complained again and went to sit next door and apparently dd spent the rest if the session trying to get through to her and crying.

I was surprised that she'd stayed, and that she'd interfered ! Do other people stay too? Does she sound unreasonable?

OP posts:

grovel · 15/01/2012 14:15

I bet the staff want her to take her child out.

pantspantspants · 15/01/2012 14:19

God she sounds like a nightmare, bet the staff love her.

Seems like she is looking for a problem and complicating things with her helicopter parenting.

eaglewings · 15/01/2012 14:21

YANBU

PoultryInMotion · 15/01/2012 14:21

I'm going to have to stay with my DD (2.1) tomorrow at playgroup because so far she hasn't settled. Does this make me overprotective? Last week they had to ring me to come and get her because she was crying so much.

Plus I wouldn't be happy if my DD wandered out the room without anybody noticing (although to be fair it wouldn't be possible at hers as they have a stairgate at the door and the door after that is locked)

PoultryInMotion · 15/01/2012 14:22

Although to be fair the toy thing wouldn't make me complain!

TheSurgeonsMate · 15/01/2012 14:23

Judging aside, if you're asking if this is the usual way to go about this sort of thing, the answer is: No, you're instincts are correct most people don't handle it like that.

babybythesea · 15/01/2012 14:28

But, Poultry, there's a difference between staying (so your child knows you are there and can start to look around and get comfortable with the setting) and staying to eavesdrop which seems to me what the OP's friend did. Surely it's worse for the child if they know you are there but can't see you/get to you.
Surely part of sending your child to nursery is so that they learn to deal with other children - including asserting their rights over their own toys! Staff should of course intervene if a child is getting upset, but first off, if the child was able to tell someone else to back off, the toy was hers, doesn't sound like there was a reason to step in.
But, the child shouldn't have been able to get out on her own. Of course, the flip side is that if the staff knew Mum was there and child wandered through, I'd (as a staff member) probably clock it but think 'Mum's there - she's fine to go through'.
Seems a bit OTT.

Original poster

ditziness · 15/01/2012 14:45

She thinks that the staff child ratio isn't high enough, as her dd wasn't with an adult most of the time. And she says she has to stay because she's terrified her dd will be unhappy and not settle. Her elder DD hated preschool apparently, because of the other children and because the staff didn't give her enough cuddles, and used to get hysterical and refuse to go. And now the girl cries before school and is often ill and kept off.
I din't want to judge, but it all doesn't sit right with me. Personally I expect ds to get upset sometimes at nursery, but to learn how to cope through being allowed to and to forge his own way in a safe environment.

OP posts:

Dustinthewind · 15/01/2012 14:49

Please don't discourage her from removing her child.
On behalf of the staff. Please don't.

ISayHolmes · 15/01/2012 14:50

I might very well be wrong, but I bet that her elder daughter was picking up on and responding to your friend's anxiety and worry. It might not have just been the preschool but sensing how her mother was feeling about the preschool (negatively by the sound of it) and becoming afraid of it.

pigletmania · 15/01/2012 14:51

I am so surprised that they let her stay! This is helicopter parenting to the extreme. This woman has ishoos.

pigletmania · 15/01/2012 14:53

As for the older child, I feel that your friend has created the problems for her, and has set her up for a fall, it looks like she can't let go.

pictish · 15/01/2012 14:54

At our pre school nursery, parents are expected to sit in on the first session, then reduce the amount of time they are there at each session thereafter, to get kids used to being on their own.

The bringing in of toys from home is discouraged, and any that are, are placed on to a high shelf until pick up time. This is to discourage fights and arguments over toys. Very sensible if you ask me.

Your friend sounds as though she has very high expectations and will become one of 'those' mothers at school. The one who makes the teachers' hearts sink when she approaches. Gah - what NOW?!

Ripeberry · 15/01/2012 15:06

Sounds like a fruitloop to be honest. How is the child ever going to manage when she starts reception? You can tell she needs to learn how to interact with others and learn how to share. Otherwise she will always expect a 'hero' to come and rescue her from other nasty children taking toys off her.

Sounds like the mum needs to use a Nanny. The staff have other children to care for and they would not be allowed to operate without the correct ratios in the first place.

Original poster

ditziness · 15/01/2012 15:10

Funny you should say that Pictish, she always seems to be " having words" with the teachers at dd1's school.

Now obviously her children / her choice, but am I right to be worried for the children? I feel sad for them that they aren't allowed to get on with life, that she intervenes. They've never been babysa, never gone to stay with relatives, never had a day or night away from their mum, never done anything without their mum. Is this harmful? They are happy, lovely kids. It's none of my business isn't it?

OP posts:

Dustinthewind · 15/01/2012 15:29

Don't worry about the children, there are thousand of mothers out there exactly like her. A few hundred fathers, but it is mostly mothers who have invested a huge amount of themselves in their children and can't believe that their children will survive and thrive without that level of intensive care.
They are very wearying to have as parents of children in your class, but somehow the majority of us all, children, parents and staff survive and come to some sort of accommodation.
It can take a while, but it usually happens all other things being equal.
They are the MILs of the future to avoid.

Original poster

ditziness · 15/01/2012 15:44

Thanks :-)

It just confounds me. My ds and her dd are about the same age, and have often played together in the last couple of years. And despite my offering, she'll never ever leave her dd with me. Not even if she needs the toilet, she'll take dd with her. Or if we're at one of each other's houses in the afternoon, and it's time for her to go and pick up her eldest dd from school she'll always take her dd with her. Even if the kids are really happy playing and I offer to stay on till she gets back, she'll still take her dd the half hour there and half hour back drive to the school to get her sister. ( despite the fact that there's primary schools closer, she fought for dd to go to the one in the pretty village 20 miles away)

OP posts:

Original poster

ditziness · 15/01/2012 15:45

Och, just ranting now!

OP posts:

dippydoodah · 15/01/2012 15:56

She sounds totally nuts!

Original poster

ditziness · 15/01/2012 16:47

Glad that I'm not alone in my thoughts. Can anyone who understands my friend's point of view explain it to me? Because to me it seems so wrong.

OP posts:

saturdayescape · 15/01/2012 16:49

There's always one.

laurenamium · 15/01/2012 16:50

Haven't read whole thread but if she's concerned about adult to child ratio could she not get a childminder instead?

exoticfruits · 15/01/2012 16:53

Do everyone a favour and encourage her to remove her child!
If I was in charge of the preschool I would give her my rules and if she didn't like it she could go elsewhere.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 15/01/2012 16:59

Yes, your friend was being amusingly overprotective. But children don't actually need to be away from their parents at that age. We're used to it and the government encourages it to get both parents working, but there's no reason that they should be left in the care of others if their parents want to stay with them. I think some people feel pushed into putting their children into 'pre-school' because it's seen as the norm.

cory · 15/01/2012 17:32

Combining Puffin's post with those of most other posters, I would say your friend should make her mind up: either preschool will be a valuable experience and her child is old enough to go there, in which case she should back right off and let the preschool get on with it or she decides that preschool is not right for her child at the moment and then her child doesn't go.

What she is actually doing is teaching her child that other adults cannot be trusted and that they need to be supervised by mummy all the time.

fwiw my dcs were slightly older when they started preschool, but once I judged that they were ready to start I accepted that the preschool was going to be run....errr...like a preschool, i.e. not with a 1:1 adult-child ratio.

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