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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end this friendship because of her son?

44 replies

SundayStress · 15/01/2012 12:44

I have name changed as I know that this is going to attract some attention and opinions.

So, I have a friend who is 20 years older than me (im 24 she is 40) I met her through an old work place, we will call her G, we got back into contact when we bumped into each other on the labour ward, our children were born within 3 days of each other (They will be 2 in March 2012) so we started up a friendship everything was great and all ok going to places such as groups, each others houses etc

Now I became very depressed after having DD, so much so I ended up with a week?s stay in a physic iatric hospital (voluntarily) because of my depression we lost contact I did not want any friends and wanted to live in my 'bubble' G didn't really seem all that bothered never contacted me or even tried, however our DP's know each other so would occasionally chat if they saw each other so I am sure she knew how I was.

Then back in June last year we bumped into each other in Tesco?s, swapped numbers and started a friendship again. She was pregnant again with her second baby and she invited me over, I had not gone back to work at this point so had plenty of time to spare; I would go round every single day and spend time with her. It became apparent that she only really wanted me to go there to 'help her' i.e. go to the shop for her, take her son to play group with me, pay for petrol when we went anywhere together and expected me to do all the running after her DS.

Something that also became very obvious was her son?s behaviour to my DD and in general, he would run up and hit her in the face, push her over and try to bite her. Whenever her DS hurt my DD she would not tell him off, she would put it down to 'kids being kids' he would also not behave in public, she refused to put him in a buggy or on reins as she said he can walk this is something which is making me want to end the friendship..

Whenever we are out he bolts as soon as he can... on several occasions he has ran across the road and a car has had to emergency stop to avoid hitting him, i shout for him to stop but he doesnt and just runs off, she then chases after him and has a go AT THE DRIVER OF THE CAR for nearly hitting her child!! It fills me with dread every time we go out as I know that an incident will happen and she does not seem to understand that one day he won?t be lucky and he will be hit by a car and may die because she won?t put him on reins or in a buggy. Now I know 2 year olds do not always understand safety but as a parent I feel she needs to avoid this happening every time.

So, fast forward to now. I am now back at work (registered childminder) and do not have much time for G because I work such long hours and her and her 2 children won't fit in my car anymore to come to groups with me. G has a baby (3 months old almost) and last week she text to say she has the car (Her partner works nights but got a lift) and shall we meet somewhere, so we met at soft play in the car park... Her DS got out of the car and bolted into a very BUSY road, she dumped the baby in her car seat down and ran after him, I picked the baby up and placed her in my car and watched as she then scooped her DS up and brought him back... no shouting at, not telling off she just brought him back. Then inside the soft play within 5 minutes of being there her DS ran up to my DD pushed her over onto a bench and she banged her head, then he went on to throw things at her kick her, punch her and scream in her face (all separate incidents within 30 minutes) at this point my DD would not leave my side and flinched whenever he came near. G did not say a single word to her son when he was doing these things.

G then said to me that she wants me to start minding her son 'for free as were friends' I told her I do not have the space and if I did then she would have to pay me, now she got in a right strop with me telling me I should help her more with her children and that her DS only listens to his dad. I gave her my honest opinion and said that I feel she needs to tell him more as she says NOTHING whilst he is harming my DD and other children in the centre!

In some ways I feel very sorry for G's DS as since his sister has come along she is the one with all the attention and G also told me herself everyone dotes over her DD rather than DS, he can be a lovely little boy but I feel she is excluding him and he is acting this way for her attention even if it?s bad attention.

Now my AIBU - Would I be unreasonable to end this friendship and just walk away? For my DD's sake, I feel awful that my friendship if causing her to be harmed by another child.

Also, if/when I do end the friendship how will i do it? I know she will be texting to see what i am upto this week, how do i say to her?

i think "I do not want to see you anymore because your son beats the crap out of my daughter" is a little harsh?

Sorry it is so long!

OP posts:

CailinDana · 15/01/2012 12:49

I am surprised you even have to ask really. She showed no concern when you were mentally ill, she allows her son to attack your daughter and expects you to mind her son for free??? Why on earth are you still even going near this woman?
As for dropping her I'd say the best thing would be to respond to texts by saying "Sorry I'm really busy this week" and if she still doesn't get the message tell her you're worried about her son attacking your daughter again and so would prefer not to meet up.

SilentBoob · 15/01/2012 12:50

YANBU to end the friendship. You obviously don';t like this woman and she doesn't care much for you either, judging by how she treats you. I am surprised you have let the friendship limp along this far.

You don't need to be bitchy or judgy about her son. Just say you are busy when she calls.

TubbyDuffs · 15/01/2012 12:50

I'd want to end the relationship just because of the sense of entitlement she seems to have!

You have been honest with her, I would carry on in that vein and say "I'm sorry but I don't think our children play well together. Maybe would could meet up for a coffee some time when we don't have the children".

Obviously you could be TOTALLY honest and tell her you don't like her son beating the crap out of your daughter.

Either way yanbu to want to end the friendship.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 15/01/2012 12:51

It's not too harsh, in fact it's not harsh enough.

You don't want this woman in your life so tell her all the reasons why, maybe in an email, so that she doesn't make excuses.

larks35 · 15/01/2012 12:52

She doesn't sound like much of a friend, more of an aquaintance of convenience - hers mainly. I wouldn't have a "show-down" or necessarily mention the truth to her, just reply that you are too busy when she suggests a meetup. Then just stop replying after a while. If she demands an explanation, tell her but I think you should say to her that it isn't really her DS but her that is your problem.

shouldabeenwashedinajug · 15/01/2012 12:52

I would be ending the friendship because she's a user and doesn't give a shit about me, personally.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 15/01/2012 12:54

She is a freeloader and not a friend. I would reply to her texts that you are busy with your mindees.

If I was a mindees mum and heard that my child might be subjected to your friends son without consequences then I would not be happy.

Think of your child and business first.

Are you honestly getting anything out of this friendship?

FaithHopeAndKevin · 15/01/2012 12:54

You don't owe her anything.
You don't sound like you like her much.
She doesn't seem to like you much.
I really don't understand why you think you are friends?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 15/01/2012 12:56

I agree with above posters.

pictish · 15/01/2012 12:57

Yanbu. I have ditched a couple of friends in the past owing to their horrible children and their lack of discipline.

Life is too short to be regularly fizzing over another child's foul behaviour while the parents gaze on, unperturbed.

It's their problem, not mine....so they get dumped.

Original poster

SundayStress · 15/01/2012 13:00

I think i have been hanging onto the friendship because i do not really get any 'adult' company apart from my DP and i sometimes need that.

I am always worried about upsetting people because i do not like confrontation, but i am also feeling guilt about putting my DD in a position of being hurt by another child.

My mum made a very good point to me, when i am at playgroups i am trying to drum up business and am a walking advert for my services, G's child is making this difficult as potential clients see me with this child and it must put them off.

So, ignoring seems like a good idea. When my phone rings i do try to ignore it and ignore any texts then i feel bad as she doesn't have any other friends either.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 15/01/2012 13:01

You are too busy with work to see her.
Keep repeating. She'll get the message.

Unless of course, you want to be honest, in which case, tell her what you think about her DS and her attitude to him.

She'll end it for you.

TheBolter · 15/01/2012 13:04

She sounds dreadful. Quite frankly I'd rather have no friends than this one!

JustHecate · 15/01/2012 13:07

I don't think you'd even have to cut ties because of the son. She's using you. That's reason enough to tell her to get lost.

Why do you think she doesn't have any other friends, eh? Probably because she allows her child to beat the crap out of their kids, and she demands they help look after her children and generally run round after her. People don't tend to like that!

She doesn't appear to respect you. I wonder if she genuinely likes you or if she is out for what she can get.

jubilee10 · 15/01/2012 13:23

If you take your dd and your mindees to toddler/playgroups you will meet lots of other adults and may find some like minded friends you cam meet up with at other times. You don't need "friends" like her.

Boomerwang · 15/01/2012 13:27

shouldabeenwashed: I agree with your succinct post.

Attempting to work through this problem will likely be stressful for you and your child and unfortunately you can't force someone to change the way they bring up their own child. You can, however, protect yourselves both physically and emotionally.

I'd give her a wide berth. However you decide to approach this woman make sure it suits you and not her. If you want to be blunt, do so. I suspect she may come up with all sorts of excuses if you point out individual episodes. If it were just the child's behaviour that was the problem I'd give her one more chance, but it's not is it?

boredandrestless · 15/01/2012 13:39

Stop meeting up with her with the kids
Stop giving her lifts
Refuse to be her unpaid child minder (cheeky cow!)
Do not run around doing errands for her

If you wanted to you could suggest the two of you meet up for coffee without the dcs but personally I'd rather not have a 'friend' like this in my life and I certainly wouldn't subject my DD to her DS anymore.

Your mum is right about people's perception of you as a CM whilst you are out at groups and centres with them in tow. I used to cm and as you will know, word of mouth is the best way of getting local business.

suburbophobe · 15/01/2012 13:39

She sounds awful!

You need to protect yourself and definately your DD from these kinds of toxic people.

I feel sorry for her DS that he is being taught absolutely no boundaries, but that is not your problem.

FeelingsorryforSnape · 15/01/2012 13:45

She sounds like a taker. It's more important that your protect your daughter, rather than worry about this woman's feelings. She doesn't seem to worry about yours.

pigletmania · 15/01/2012 13:47

I would let go of the friendship, not only because of her ds behaviour towards your dd and her not disciplining, but she sounds totally selfish and self centered. She did not care about you when you were ill, and seems to only want you when she needs something. Its her kids she should deal with them, not you. Why did she have a send dc if she cannot control her first. I would not have stood there and let her ds hit my child, I would have said something to the boy and her. There are two types of friends, drains and radiators. Drains take and do not give, radiators give but do not take. This one is a drain, let her go down the plughole

pigletmania · 15/01/2012 13:49

No you don't have to confront, just tell her your busy, or don't reply to her phone calls or texts and she will get the message.

Boomerwang · 15/01/2012 13:50

What name would you give to a friend who gives AND takes? I'm struggling to think of a word that fits in with 'drain' and 'radiator' :P

pigletmania · 15/01/2012 13:50

she probably does not have any other friends because of the way she is, who would want friends like that!

pigletmania · 15/01/2012 13:51

he he he I am not sure, but in friendships there is give and take, but not totally one sided.

GladysLeap · 15/01/2012 13:51

She expects you to mind her son for free

Sadly I had a friend like this, although she wasn't a user like this person. Her DS used to regularly attack my DD and she only ever saw the retaliation, never her own little brat DS starting it. In the end I avoided contact unless her DS was at playgroup. Luckily he was a few months older than my DD so started school a whole year earlier, which gave us a reprieve.

But it doesn't sound like this friendship has got anything going for it at all. I wish I'd been brave enough to pull up my friend's Ds on his terrible behaviour. You don't particularly like the mother either so I think in your shoes I'd tell her that her DS is a problem.

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