Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To end this friendship because of her son?

44 replies

SundayStress · 15/01/2012 12:44

I have name changed as I know that this is going to attract some attention and opinions.

So, I have a friend who is 20 years older than me (im 24 she is 40) I met her through an old work place, we will call her G, we got back into contact when we bumped into each other on the labour ward, our children were born within 3 days of each other (They will be 2 in March 2012) so we started up a friendship everything was great and all ok going to places such as groups, each others houses etc

Now I became very depressed after having DD, so much so I ended up with a week?s stay in a physic iatric hospital (voluntarily) because of my depression we lost contact I did not want any friends and wanted to live in my 'bubble' G didn't really seem all that bothered never contacted me or even tried, however our DP's know each other so would occasionally chat if they saw each other so I am sure she knew how I was.

Then back in June last year we bumped into each other in Tesco?s, swapped numbers and started a friendship again. She was pregnant again with her second baby and she invited me over, I had not gone back to work at this point so had plenty of time to spare; I would go round every single day and spend time with her. It became apparent that she only really wanted me to go there to 'help her' i.e. go to the shop for her, take her son to play group with me, pay for petrol when we went anywhere together and expected me to do all the running after her DS.

Something that also became very obvious was her son?s behaviour to my DD and in general, he would run up and hit her in the face, push her over and try to bite her. Whenever her DS hurt my DD she would not tell him off, she would put it down to 'kids being kids' he would also not behave in public, she refused to put him in a buggy or on reins as she said he can walk this is something which is making me want to end the friendship..

Whenever we are out he bolts as soon as he can... on several occasions he has ran across the road and a car has had to emergency stop to avoid hitting him, i shout for him to stop but he doesnt and just runs off, she then chases after him and has a go AT THE DRIVER OF THE CAR for nearly hitting her child!! It fills me with dread every time we go out as I know that an incident will happen and she does not seem to understand that one day he won?t be lucky and he will be hit by a car and may die because she won?t put him on reins or in a buggy. Now I know 2 year olds do not always understand safety but as a parent I feel she needs to avoid this happening every time.

So, fast forward to now. I am now back at work (registered childminder) and do not have much time for G because I work such long hours and her and her 2 children won't fit in my car anymore to come to groups with me. G has a baby (3 months old almost) and last week she text to say she has the car (Her partner works nights but got a lift) and shall we meet somewhere, so we met at soft play in the car park... Her DS got out of the car and bolted into a very BUSY road, she dumped the baby in her car seat down and ran after him, I picked the baby up and placed her in my car and watched as she then scooped her DS up and brought him back... no shouting at, not telling off she just brought him back. Then inside the soft play within 5 minutes of being there her DS ran up to my DD pushed her over onto a bench and she banged her head, then he went on to throw things at her kick her, punch her and scream in her face (all separate incidents within 30 minutes) at this point my DD would not leave my side and flinched whenever he came near. G did not say a single word to her son when he was doing these things.

G then said to me that she wants me to start minding her son 'for free as were friends' I told her I do not have the space and if I did then she would have to pay me, now she got in a right strop with me telling me I should help her more with her children and that her DS only listens to his dad. I gave her my honest opinion and said that I feel she needs to tell him more as she says NOTHING whilst he is harming my DD and other children in the centre!

In some ways I feel very sorry for G's DS as since his sister has come along she is the one with all the attention and G also told me herself everyone dotes over her DD rather than DS, he can be a lovely little boy but I feel she is excluding him and he is acting this way for her attention even if it?s bad attention.

Now my AIBU - Would I be unreasonable to end this friendship and just walk away? For my DD's sake, I feel awful that my friendship if causing her to be harmed by another child.

Also, if/when I do end the friendship how will i do it? I know she will be texting to see what i am upto this week, how do i say to her?

i think "I do not want to see you anymore because your son beats the crap out of my daughter" is a little harsh?

Sorry it is so long!

OP posts:

TheCrackFox · 15/01/2012 13:54

She sounds awful. TBH you will find it difficult to make new friends if you waste all your spare time with this user.

Are there another childminders in the area? Perhaps you could make friends at a playgroup or toddler club?

saturdayescape · 15/01/2012 13:55

Shes a vampire and sounds like a shit parent.

Original poster

SundayStress · 15/01/2012 14:12

I did not want to use the term 'shit parent' but she does put her ds in danger by preventing him from being potentially ran over at some point, which is inevitable as whenever he is with her her bolts in to the road.

I worry if this happens and she is alone the implications it could have for her.

I think i am going to go with ignoring her and then if she pushes the issue being truthful with her about why i want to no longer have this 'friendship'

OP posts:

saturdayescape · 15/01/2012 14:14

Ahh go on you were thinking it. Ignore, ignore, whats the point of the truth when there is no friendship.

troisgarcons · 15/01/2012 14:20

What do you get out of the 'friendship'? Because I can see precious little from what you have posted.

Your daughter certainly isn't getting anything by socialising with the other child.

Actually - I wouldnt even answer her texts. She will get the message eventually. Similarly if you see her at play-group then just run through the pleasantries and sit with someone else. I hate making excuses - but you need a few behind you to cover eventualities - ie you cant give her a lift because you have a prior appoint ment. Its inconvenient to go to soft play that day. Just don't ever elaborate.

becstarsky · 15/01/2012 14:23

You aren't friends. Your relationship doesn't fit any definition of friendship. When you suffer a mental illness a friend visits you, looks after your kids to give you a break, takes meals round to your DH for the freezer and gives as much emotional support as they can. When you go out with a friend you have a laugh, a gossip and a chance to relax, not a stressed-out resentful day punctuated by the occasional near-toddler-death panic attack. When you're a registered CM a friend asks if you have vacancies, insists on paying the full whack, pays on time or early, and thanks you for your work and tells you she appreciates it (even though she pays you for it).

Also... I like all my friends. I like them very much indeed - just thinking about them makes me smile. I don't think you like this woman at all, and she doesn't fulfil any of the functions of 'being a friend'. So you already aren't actually friends - there isn't a friendship to break. There's just some calls to avoid and texts not to answer.

scarletforya · 15/01/2012 14:35

There is a reason she doesn't have any other friends. Nobody would put up with her obnoxious freeloading and using behaviour.

It's not your problem that she has no other friends. It's hers. So there is no need to feel guilty.

Just blank her. If you try to explain the reasons why she won't want to hear and she'll just attack you. You're not dealing with a reasonable person here.

pigletmania · 15/01/2012 14:38

Asking you to childmind for free , tell her your a business not a charity. Rude entitled freeloader.

Calabria · 15/01/2012 20:36

A few months ago I ended a similar friendship and it was the best thing I could have done. I do feel guilty but only because I didn't do it much, much sooner.

And your friend sounds more toxic than mine!

bobbledunk · 15/01/2012 20:54

End the friendship now. She has no interest in you as a person, she is just using you.

It is cruel to allow your daughter to be bullied by her son. It is your responsibility as a mother to protect her and by knowingly placing her in harms way you have betrayed her. Stop doing it.

Being a mug is one thing, allowing your daughter to be terrorised because you need somebody to waste time with is quite another.

If you are lonely, try getting out to meet people by joining clubs or activity groups in your area.

skybluepearl · 15/01/2012 21:01

Just say you think the kids should have some space as they don't seemt o get on and DD is frightened of the boy. Then recommend she read a book called toddler taming

skybluepearl · 15/01/2012 21:02

you could always meet up in the evenings without the kids if you both wanted to

CrabbyBigbottom · 15/01/2012 21:13

Sorry but I read your op like this...

I just honestly don't understand why anyone would put up with being treated like shit like this. She doesn't control or impose limits upon her child, right? She expects you to look after her fucked up kid for free, right?

Sorry I can't quite believe this, so I'm not going to post anything else, because I don't want to be rude / utterly incredulous.

Original poster

SundayStress · 15/01/2012 21:18

bobble I find your post rather rude actually, I am not cruel nor am i a mug.

I find it hard to have a confrontation with someone, i am a pleaser and don't like to upset people.

I say in my above post i feel guilt that my DD has been around this boy, hence why i am finding ways of removing myself from the so called friendship.

crabby are you suggesting that i am a troll? what do you want? blood? proof of some kind?...

Right up untill the end of this thread i really felt the support that is mumsnet, but on every single thread someone has to come along and make fun or insult the poster. It is disgusting the way some people act on here, if you can act this way on the internet i dread to think what you are like in RL!!

OP posts:

bigeyes · 15/01/2012 21:24

I was friends with somone, when am incident happened that allowed an easy end to the friendship that I was happy about as her DS behaved appallingly and sometimes threw his weight about a bit, which sounds much less than what G's dc's has done.

G sounds lazy or stupid to check him. I found it infuriating when my former friend failed to issue consequences for far less, it got point where I was embarrassed to be out with them, even DH commented and he's not as judge as me.

So no free yourself of this, you have your DD to think about why waste time on them, it's only bothering you both. G also sounds like she used you too, I don't think that's nice at all. Set yourself free or you'll end up avoiding things and sidestepping suggestions like I did for a while.

Original poster

SundayStress · 15/01/2012 21:30

bigeyes you are right about being ashamed to be out with her, i feel her boy is a reflection on me, as i have been known to pick him up or even run after him when he has bolted so to a person looking quickly it could seem i am his mother on these occasions!

I plan to be strong and ignore and delete anything that comes from her this coming week, not being with her at groups will open up to me finding new nice friends

OP posts:

bigeyes · 15/01/2012 21:31

Sunday bobbles post is harshly worded but I basically agree with her.

What I have realised as I can't be friends with someone who has a different standards of behaviour manners for dc. I do not mean this with reference tonbf or co sleeping etc just the bahviour thing.

My other friends and DH pointed things out about my former friend that also gave me a bit if a lightbulb moment and realised there was other stuff not related to dc's that was not nice.

I think you know this g person isn't right and need to work through how to extract yourself.

CrabbyBigbottom · 15/01/2012 21:33

God sorry no OP I wasn't suggesting that you're a troll at all. My incredulity was that people can be so fucking cheeky and such takers, and that people actually tolerate (and therefore reinforce, I guess) such behaviour. I didn't want to be rude and say 'for fuck sake how did you let it get this far - tell her to piss off with her outrageously entitled attitude!' - because that implies that you are in the wrong. It's not you who is in the wrong; it's her, but for some people it's very hard to pile in there and tell someone that they're utterly out of order.

I didn't mean to be unsupportive, I was just outraged at the behaviour that some people seem to get away with, and astonished that there are people who will tolerate it - that isn't a criticism, just an observation. I want to pile in there on your behalf an shout 'oi you, stop being such a fuckwit' whilst pummeling them soundly.

bigeyes · 15/01/2012 21:36

So Sunday, go ahead and plan out a little week for yourself.

Where could you go to that you usually do
What new place Could you go to?
Who could you txt to meet up with? With or without kids

I know I felt weird as it knocked my confidence a bit about my judgment of character. I am looking forward to meeting new mums soon I'm 35 wks so will be doing all the groups.

Flip

1 2