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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to book a holiday for the family without telling DH?

74 replies

PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 10:37

Been trying to get DH enthusiastic about going to centre parcs for a few days just before xmas next year. Just for a few days away from the grind together as a family.

He is likely going to working completely over the new year so I have picked a few days that he will be able to take off just before the rush. We might not get to spend much time over xmas together due to his work so thought it would be a nice thing to do. (actually, i need the break now which is why I am looking! with longing!).

DH is not disinterested, he likes the idea of it he is just a last minute person, does not like commiting, wants to check out better deals etc etc, and also does not want to spend lots of money as he has not been working for long in his job, so not 100% secure. He is also a ditherer and never gets around to 'doing' things, just talking.

If I wait for him to make a decision we might not be able to get what we want, it just won't happen.

So, AIBU to just go ahead and book it? and tell him afterwards that we are doing it? Only need to pay a deposit, which we can do right now and rest in sept, this means putting a few quid away each month which is completely possible, so even if his job does not work out it will be paid for and we will have a holiday if not able to go away at any other time (even if he is working this will be difficult to another time due to when he is busiest at work).

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tigermoll · 15/01/2012 10:43

How would you feel if he did the same thing? Pretty peed off, I imagine Smile

Tell him what you've just told us, and say you want to make a decision one way or the other today. Then have a discussion, agree together, and do what you've both decided.

You can't just go above his head because you want it, and TBH, it sounds like he has some legitimate reasons for not wanting to commit to an expensive (and Centreparcs IS expensive, no matter what the ads would have us think) holiday almost a year in advance.

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 10:45

Oh god I would be so releived! if he came home and told me he had booked us a a holiday I would be very impressed and happy that I did not have to do it!

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Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 10:46

it is £350. That is not expensive! where else can you get a holiday for that cheap?!!!

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Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 10:48

blimey if I wait for him to find the time/energy/inclination to discuss end of the year plans, the decision will be made for me. Honestly, he can just about organise next week.

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susiedaisy · 15/01/2012 10:55

i can see both side here, you say your dh is a ditherer who is last minute and that is extremely frustrating for anyone else in the house as you constantly miss out on things that need a bit of preplannning, i would let him know your intentions but dont wait for him to make up his mind as this could take months of reminding him, just inform him and then unless he has any strong objections ie money health etc i would go ahead and book it,

my exh was someone who liked to be a selfish git free spirit and go with the wind, but it is unsettling for other people in the house at times, and we constantly missed out on things because he would not commit to anything and by time he wanted to everything was booked up or one of us couldnt get time off work,/babysitting etc, fine if you have no kids and no routine but frustating when your trying to juggle kids, work, house, family.

larks35 · 15/01/2012 10:56

£350 not expensive for a few days!?! Believe me once you get there the extra expenses will soon mount up as well.

I think YWBU if you booked this without telling him, I wouldn't be happy if someone did this particularly as money, or lack of it, is an issue in our family.

eurochick · 15/01/2012 10:57

I'd be livid if I were your husband. But it looks from your last three posts that you do not want to hear that.

susiedaisy · 15/01/2012 11:00

yes the money thing is a different issue, £350 to me is expensive particularly around xmas, and then spending money on top you can kiss goodbye to £600-£700 in total for centre parcs, i have been there, never again it was so damn expensive.

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 11:01

money is not an issue, he just does not like spending it Grin

i mean it is an issue in that it is for everyone who is not loaded and we are certainly not that, have been broke for years with me as sole earner and now we are able to actually go away for a holiday.

£350 for 4 days is not much really is it?! We have not actually been on holiday together as a family for several years, and when we do we go camping for weekend! I really can't see what other kind of trip we could do for this type of money. Obviously there are other expenses like food/fuel etc. but if it is booked now, this can be taken care of. If we do it nearer the time, it will cost more and those things will be paid for out of one wage and will make it impossible.

Ok. I accept that booking it without telling him would be mean. Even if it could be seen as a 'surprise' for him. I will tell him tonight. He will likely try to find a reason to not commit, but that is his way. He will think of a reason to stall.

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Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 11:02

euro course I do, that is why I am posting in AIBU! Obviously people always want to hear there are right, and esp in an AIBU it would be lovely to have a unanimous YANBU. But that is not realistic unless it has been set up to be so right?!

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susiedaisy · 15/01/2012 11:04

if you have not had a family holiday for several years and you can afford one then YANBU to suggest one, and to try to make it happen, your dh needs to remember there are othe people in the home.Smile

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 11:05

susie this last xmas was v v expensive for several reasons. The next xmas is going to a simple, calm stay at home affair for us, with minimum expense and likely little family time.

what on earth can cost another £450 in 4 days to make it £700 total cost? we live local enough to the one we want to go that fuel won't be horrendous. It is winter so we will mostly be sitting in front of a log fire or swimming or wet stomping.

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tigermoll · 15/01/2012 11:05

if I wait for him to find the time/energy/inclination to discuss end of the year plans.....

if I wait him to make a decision.....

Don't wait for him to do all these things, DISCUSS it with him. Actively sit him down, tell him what you think/want, and then listen to what he says in reply. Make a decision together.

This seems to be something that is very important to YOU (you want the break, you think it would be a good idea to spend some time as a family before christmas, you have chosen the venue, you have decided whether he will be able to get time off from his new job, etc) without much reference to what he wants and thinks. You mention his concerns about his job security, but then dismiss him as 'a ditherer' who can't be relied on.

Look, if you felt fine about going ahead and booking, you wouldn't be on here, asking AIBU. You KNOW that it is a bit U. And also I think you are frustrated at your DH being not as fussed as you about the idea of a family holiday. You WANT him to be excited and keen, - just going ahead and booking it without him is just going to build up resentments.

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 11:08

in fact, we have not been on holiday as a family since DS (2) was born. Went pg with DS went went to stay in a yurt for a few days. Xmas we were away for a week, but that was staying with ILs...

we have not been on an actual holiday for, well for a long long time. And that is partly because I will find a good deal, DH will dither and be worried about money or this or that, can he find a better deal and then we don't go.

.

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DilysPrice · 15/01/2012 11:11

It sounds like you're going to do what I would advise, just tell him that this is what you've decided, and you're going to book it tomorrow. Don't ask him for a discussion, but if he has a serious objection that you hadn't thought of he'll have a chance to tell you.

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 11:12

tiger I do try to engage him, and he looks at it, and then before I know it, he is reading the guardian sports page, going 'yeah, we should do that some time' and if I ask him to make a decision he says 'well i don't know, i don't want to decide right now...!' and gets arsey that I am 'pressuring him'. He wants, and needs a holiday too. We have had a tough last year and something to look forward to will be good for us all. Hoping we will go away before this too, but if we don't manage that, this is done.

I ask him to look for places himself and he says 'yes I will' but then he goes out for coffee with a friend, or something else that gets in the way of doing it'.

but you are right, I was obviously not entirely sure or else I would have just done it.

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OnlyANinja · 15/01/2012 11:14

YABU to do it without telling him - but Y would NB so U to tell him "we need to get this sorted so I am going to book by the end of the week unless you find something better in the meantime".

countessbabycham · 15/01/2012 11:14

I did just that OP! Money wasn't the issue (cheap and paid for)

Just gave him the option of whether he came or not.

He did,and LOVED it!

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 11:17

countess that is why I thought about doing it. he would either be a) releived (as i would be) that it was done, but happy it did not cost the earth, and grateful that I would not be going on about it any more or b) annoyed that money has been spent without his veto.

I am/was leaning towards the a) but now thinking that taking the chance of b) might not be worth it...

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Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 11:18

but, there would be no option of him not coming with us...Grin

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susiedaisy · 15/01/2012 11:18

ah ok if your not eating out in any of the food places and not hiring bikes and not doing any of the activites at all then no you wont spend that much, but honest to god it was so bloody expensive, even the basic supermarket they had there products were way way above the ususal price, one silly item that springs to mind, a tin of heniz ravioli (sorry spelling) was 89p in usual supermarket and £1.29 in centaparcs supermarket! we had a snack in the pancake house, 2 small coffees 2 regualer milkshakes, 3 single pancakes and one ice cream costs us £20 and that was 5 years ago, now to me thats expensive!

PrincessWellington · 15/01/2012 11:19

Centre parcs is not expensive per se. People choosing to use the additional activities and restaurants are the expense. It's no more expensive than being at home if you don't use these. I only spent £20 there on 4 nights but I cooked myself and didn't book any activities. The pool is enough, plenty of walks and cycling. Take own bikes it's free. So those who want to slag it off, fine, but you chose to spend all that extra money - no one made you!

susiedaisy · 15/01/2012 11:21

yeah i am not going to turn it into a how expensive is CP thread as thats been done time and again, maybe im just a tight ass!!Grin

Sapphirefling · 15/01/2012 11:21

YABU.
Centreparcs activities cost a fortune (you realise that the price you pay only covers your accomodation and entry to the water parc - practically everything else is extra?)
But you clearly don't want to think that YABU so go right ahead Grin

Original poster
PavlovtheCat · 15/01/2012 11:22

DH is a trainee chef, so not likely to eat out that much other than the odd bag of chips! And we will take our own espresso pot (goes everywhere with us!) the activities we are not that bothered about, kids have their own bikes, we just need/want to be away from normality, live amongst trees for a few days, do some swimming, let the kids have freedom and fresh air.

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