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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sad my mum doesn't want to look after both?

33 replies

pinkyp · 15/01/2012 00:30

The title makes me sound so ungrateful, honest I'm not. Brief background: my mum is a bit obsessed with my 1st ds, spoils him rotten, gives in to his every demand. My 2nd ds she didn't even look at until the 2nd time she saw him (we went to show him to her and she didn't even acknowledge him at all-must of felt guilty as 1 week later she came to see us and held him).

When I went back to work she said she didn't want ds2 all the time just 1day (fair enough, grateful for any help - I do 14 hrs a week, she has him for 5 hours). The other 2days I pay a childminder for. I mentioned to her that I'll have to send ds1 to afterschool clubs in hols etc, she said "no no I'll have him not a prob etc" (not needed yet).

Now the childminder has told me her hols, I wrote down all the days I needed cover for either ds1 or both up to sept (10 weeks altogether) My mum had a look and offered to have them for me a few of the weeks. Very greatful. Today she told me which weeks, so I wrote them down. When I've looked she's picked all the weeks when I just need cover for ds1, ds2 will be at childminders. So I will have to drop one child at grandma's and one cm :( aibu to be a bit sad, I think she's done it on purpose. If it was 2/3 weeks if ds1 and 1/2 weeks of both I wouldn't of thought a thing.

OP posts:
happyAvocado · 15/01/2012 00:32

lil one's are harder work - I kind of understand her

Original poster
pinkyp · 15/01/2012 00:34

He is on the go constantly, as he's 1 and runs! It's prob just me reading too much into things

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 15/01/2012 00:38

I would call her bluff. Tell her that it is no use to you as you are already at the childminder and you will make alternative arrangements.

I would also make sure she has chance to bond with DS2-do things with DS1 and leave DS2 with her. It sounds as if she has no time alone with him, without DS1.

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2012 00:41

How old are they both?

Bogeyface · 15/01/2012 00:42

My mum did this when DD was born. DS was the light of her life and she blatantly favoured him, even when he was an only child and grandchild she favoured him over my sister who was a young teenager still living at home :( .

It wasnt the fact that she would babysit DS and not DD that bothered me in itself (she didnt have to babysit at all!), but that combined with the fact that she barely gave DD a look never mind a cuddle, was always asking to take DS out to the park but wouldnt consider taking DD because implied she was a difficult baby (she wasnt) and implied that I was neglecting DS in favour of DD when I left him to play alone when she needed feeding!

We got it sorted in the end, by DS! He asked grandma, in front of me, why DD couldnt come to her house too as he missed her. I didnt prime him at all, but I am sure mum thinks I did! After that she would take DD with them when she took DS to park etc and pretty quickly ended up with a wonderful relationship with DD.

I think she was so worried about her PFGS having his nose pushed out by the baby that she went totally OTT, it took DS emotionally blackmailing her to start being affectionate to DD.

Bogeyface · 15/01/2012 00:45

I should perhaps add that she desperately wanted a son when she was having me, and then after she had me and my sister, tried for many years to have another baby as she so wanted a boy. It didnt happen and she was only just 40 when my DS was born, so take from that what you will......

perfectstorm · 15/01/2012 00:48

I sympathise. My mother actually doesn't want me to have another as she is scared I'll love them more than DS. Just... insane.

Is there a strong history of favourites in your family? There is in mine, so I think that's where she is coming from. It's like she is jealous on his behalf.

Original poster
pinkyp · 15/01/2012 00:48

There 4 & 1. She does have ds2 for 5 hours a week alone as ds1 goes to school ft. She has offered to take ds1 to places but I've always refused as she doesn't invite ds2.

OP posts:
northcountrygirl · 15/01/2012 00:49

Same here - my mum will only have the 11 yo twins. I also have 4yo DD and tbh I find the 4yo easier as my twins argue ALL the time.

It does sadden me. My ex MIL and ex husband recently had all 3 kids when I was working over the christmas holidays and they're not even related to DD2.

Original poster
pinkyp · 15/01/2012 00:49

She didn't want me to have either of my ds's. (situation at the time was bad, we've moved on from that)

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 15/01/2012 00:52

Perfect that sounds like my mum. My DS ousted my sister as favourite in the family (we lived there for 6 months after he was born which didnt help). I was used to being second best, but for DSis it was horrible and something which still upsets her to this day, 20 years later. She doesnt resent my son, she adores him and always has, but it has ruined her relationship with mum. On the up side, it improved our relationship as DSis realised how it had been for me during our childhood and part of the therapy she had was concerning how she felt about being the favoured one over me and then being suddenly dropped for DS.

Soooo fucked up :(

ElaineBenes · 15/01/2012 00:57

My mum does the same. She gets a little stressed having both kids together, even though they get on quite well. Now they're a bit older she doesn't mind which one she looks after but until my youngest was about 3, she often would only look after the older one - she found looking after toddlers too exhausting. It might just come down to that rather than preferring one over the other.

iscream · 15/01/2012 02:07

Well, what about if she did a rotation of taking one, then the other, then both?
Babies are a lot of work, she will probably like taking them both together once the 1 year old is 3 or 4.

howlongwilltheynap · 15/01/2012 07:23

It's a shame but I can see how it happens - a 4 year old is very different to a 1 year old, and even if she looked after your DC1 when he was a 1 yo, she had probably built gradually to that and now probably feels nervous about it. I would feel scared about looking after a 1 year old I didn't know that well.

Why don't you talk to her about it - say that you would like your 2nd child to build the same relationship with her that your 1st has and could she pick some of his days instead.

troisgarcons · 15/01/2012 07:34

Two pre-schools is a big ask when you get to a certain age.

A 4yo is very different to a baby.

Although I have to say my MIL was much the same - totally obsessed with DS1 (first grandchild) and utterly resented DS2 and would ignore him; in fact on one occassion she left him strapped in his car chair, in his snow suit and plonk him in front of the telly whilst I shot down the road for a hair cut Hmm

JustHecate · 15/01/2012 07:54

You can't control how she feels but imo you need to sit her down and say that you can't allow her blatant favouritism to affect your children. As they grow older, they WILL notice. The younger one will feel unloved, the older one may feel that they are 'better' than their sibling and it also has the potential to ruin their relationship as brothers.

So, unfortunately, in order to prevent that, you have made alternative childcare arrangements and she will only see the children when you bring them to see her - together - and you are there to ensure that there is no ignoring of your younger child.

See, while you can't control how she feels, you CAN control access to your children and - to an extent - how her feelings and actions affect them.

Morloth · 15/01/2012 07:56

A 1 year old is a hell of a lot more work than a 4 year old.

DS1 is just back from a week at the grandparents, TBH I didn't even ask if they would also like to have DS2 as he is quite hard work and they are not getting any younger.

DS1 is 7 and can go out for the day and hold a conversation and get himself ready for bed etc. DS2 is almost 2 and in nappies and has tantrums and runs off etc.

They love DS2 as much but the relationship is different, it will always be different because the DSs are different people and entered their lives at different points etc.

exoticfruits · 15/01/2012 08:06

I agree that the older on is easier but the younger one will get easier. I would see it as a long term project-as the older one gets more independent, and has more activities, give her the younger one. The problem seems to be that she had the elder on his own but the younger one is never on his own, he comes as an extra.

breatheslowly · 15/01/2012 09:01

Does she look after them on her own? My parents have a bit of a one-to-one ratio policy for looking after their DGC.

TheFirstMrsGClooney · 15/01/2012 09:26

I could almost have written your post! My MIL blatantly favours DS1, and while she does have a good relationship with DS2, he doesn't get any of the special treatment, such as early pick up from nursery, little gifts, etc. I can understand it's easier to have ne child at a time, but a bit of fairness is all I want. We are of course v grateful for all the help we get, like you are. It's just a bit Confused as I can't imagine favouring either child, or even nieces/nephews/friends kids etc....

missduff · 15/01/2012 09:40

You're making me worried now. My mum is really close to my 2yo DS, I was single when I had him so she was at the birth, she looked after me a lot afterwards, she babysat a lot to help me out as it was hard on my own, we even lived with her for a year.
Now I'm pregnant and do worry she won't build the same bond with new baby.
Luckily though she LOVES new babies so hopefully that will help matters.
I'm in a new relationship now so I won't need her the same, she won't be at the birth, she won't need to come and cook my tea for the first 2 weeks (yes I was lucky I know). I'm worried that she'll feel pushed out and that she won't be as close to new baby Sad

Original poster
pinkyp · 15/01/2012 09:43

Its Sad that there's other mothers out there like mine. I didn't realise she'd only picked the weeks for ds1 at first as she just wrote the dates on a piece of paper for me. It's when I wrote them down in my diary I realised.

OP posts:
pranma · 15/01/2012 09:48

OK I am 67 and I adore my dgs who are now aged 5 and 2.11. I do regular child care and have done since they were 6 months old but until recently I was terrified of having both together until the youngest could walk up and down stairs and they could be left in room together while I went to the loo. I was scared of an accident and the little one was too heavy to carry upstairs with me. Now I love having both and will be sad when dgs2 is at school. Just ask your mum-she may have similar concerns. My DD uses a cm when I can't have dgs2-just one day. Mind you now I would never refuse to have them just give your mum time.

wizzler · 15/01/2012 09:55

My DMIL looked after ds when he was a baby, every other Thursday. When DD came along she said she didn't feel able to help out with her. tbh i was pleased she had told me... looking after a baby is hard work and she is in her 70s. She said she didnt feel she could cope with all the lifting etc. I wouldn't want her to be worried about having her or dreading having her.
OP .. do you think this might be the same situation with your DM?

HappyMummyOfOne · 15/01/2012 09:56

If I am understanding correctly, she has your youngest 5 hours a week but not your oldest so therefore in the school hols she wants to just have the oldest? Sounds fair to me as there are triple the school weeks than hols so your youngest is with her for far more weeks.