not to take DD to family who cant be bothered with her

[angelintraining]

was just having a conversation bout why i should bother taking my DD to her grandparents and other members who dont otherwise show interest?

thing is, when i visit MIL with DP she will sit back facing us on computer playing games on facebook, FIL and DP will watch bikes going round in circles on the tv whilst me & DD sit like spare parts for what seems eternity... then when were abouts to leave they fuss DD good bye! err bit late now you think?

point is ive told DP they are rude and ignorant and i wont be taking her again, he's reply was that 'you cant tell people what to do in their own home' - agree but its comon politeness that you either entertain your guest or you tell them your not in mood for company. come back another day.
they dont visit us and when around the SIL theres still no interaction with DD, she is left to potter around and its me who often keeps an eye on her. this also applys to my own parents who i also avoid taking DD and my 2 DS's as they treat kids the same.

due to lack of knowing who they are DD wont stay with either of them so me & DP cant go out for time alone. DP says just to take DD there and go, but i know she will be freaked and i wouldnt relax.

I see it as if you cant be asked to be a part of their lives - you dont deserve to see them. am i seeing this wrong?

I don't know if YABU or not

It's a bit of a coincidence that both sets of grandparents are like this

Are you sure you're not expecting too much?

By the way, you're not guests when you go around there, you're family.

Of course you can't tell people what to do in their own home. That doesn't mean you have to go there and watch them doing it. Mind you, there's no law that says they should be expected to babysit just because they're grandparents, either.

Do your family members want/ask to see DD? Assuming they do, it just seems like they are basically going on with their normal activities and just enjoying having her there - kind of like when you are at home with your own DC you don't make them centre of attention the whole time ... but you would miss them if they weren't there? Remember it's a fairly recent thing that we expect to make such a fuss over children. When I went to see my grandparents as a child I was just left to entertain myself (often in a different room) while they talked to my mum or got on with things.

I suspect as you are family they don't see the need to entertain you. Why not just take some of DD's toys and sit and play with her - or even suggest you all go out to the park/for a walk round the block?

Why don't you invited them to spend time with you and your DD in your own home? Worra's right - you're not a guest, you're family.

i dont ask nothing but to acknowledge that we have brought their DD to see them. ive never put it on them to have the kids just because they are grand parents, ive always waited to be asked if they can have/see them - which of course those words ive never been asked.

I dont have bond with my parents - but have always tried to keep a contact between the kids so they know who they are. but in this process im getting upset because they are ignored and seem of no importance and no parent likes to see that - surely? its coming to a point where i ask myself why i bother.

on his side they are a bit closer and MIL see's SIL 3 DD's nearly every day and kids stay round. Im not saying she has to have my DD to stay over but just maybe put as much effort in as she does the rest of grandkids.
this thread isnt bout other family members but just if i was getting it wrong? what other people would do in this case.

ONTHEBUS you opened my eyes at how it was when you went to visit your grandparents, thats how it was with me. and thnking of it that way, yes maybe as worralibertys post said 'im expecting to much'

i guess i just want her to be fussed over when they do see her because its not often. and she dont see much family.
MIL has leg problems - we live on top floor no lift so hard for her - but as i put in other post we go to SIL where MIL can see DD.

On the face of it you don't sound as if YABU. Why not leave it to your DP to take DD round there in future if he/they actually want to keep up contact? It's not fair that you should bear the brunt of their rudeness.

By the way- who is it who actually makes the arrangements? Do they invite you, or do you invite yourself round?

How old is your DD? Some people can be really odd with children until they get to 3/4 and are more 'interactive' IYKWIM.

I have a similar situation with my father. Although he actually comes to mine with his lap top and starts working! He works in abroad for months and returns to see his grandchildren so he will stay over at the weekend and set up his office! He wants to feel relaxed around his grandchildren, part of the family, not a guest so I suppose that's fair enough.

I wouldn't see it as a problem just more as their outlook on what a grandparents role is? Also, I think there comes a point where you just have to accept that someone's personality traits are set in stone, particularly the older generation, you are never going to change them!

They sound quite rude if they're watching TV playing on the computer when you're there, but if they feel unsure how to relate to you they may be using these things to cover their awkwardness (or they could just be rude).

Are you sure it's not a case of them mistakenly assuming you don't want/don't trust them to have DD because you haven't asked? What you may think as politeness (e.g. not being pushy and asking) may be interpreted by them as standoffishness. Only you will know the answer to that.

If you know for sure that they're just being rude and uninterested, then YANBU to stop taking her there.

If its my parents its only when theres an occasion as i say im not in a bond my parents,

with the ILS its usually my DP who suggest we go visit his parents. I hate the thought of going round there to sit in silence watching my DD as i can do that from comfort of my own home. thb. because it the DP's parents his comfy just to sit and read paper, watch tv.

DD is coming up 18months, this shouldnt be a problem as she's been having the SILs DDS over since babies.

If you're dp knows it makes you uncomfortable, he should put himself out a bit more to help you. Why don't you suggest that next time you all go the park or for a walk, otherwise he can just take her on his own and not subject you to it? I'm sure your dd will be quite happy pottering or watching telly with them.

However, the whole family, including your dp, do sound pretty boorish, so maybe you just need to accept that this is the family you have married into (although not married, but ykwim!) and this is how they are.

Your, your, your!

thanks for your replys im starting to see bits of this in another view.
you know it may be the case that they feel i dont trust/want them to have her, i just go by their reactions around her and feel they cant be bothered. but maybe im wrong?

yes GOLDENBEAR i realise some traits are set in stone, especially in the older generation. will keep that in mind in future!

well i have been told i seem standoffish, i wouldnt like to think ive pressured them to have my DD - hence why ive never put it to them. in a way it should be my DP who arranges this as its his parents? he wouldnt ring my parents and ask them if they want to see the kids.

DH and I took SIL, her DS and our DD over to their fathers a year ago and we got half an hour with FIL before he went to the pub to a poker match We haven't been back since.

I don't think YABU OP.

I agree with roughshooting Maybe meet up every so often at a petting zoo or somewhere thats more interactive.

his mum cant walk for long and DP never entertains the thought of taking DD to park at best of times! its boring in words of DP!

have told DP i wont be visiting and he can take DD on his own, he says im rude for not going with him and cold hearted. he says he cant turn up without me - which i see it as he has to do the running around after DD as im not there! maybe im wrong but thats my thought.

DD has a good time pottering, she has no worries - oblivious to all the debates lol

Why don't you organise your own activities? If their idea of family life is that everyone does their thing in a relaxed way and it's up to you if you join in (as your DP does) or not then the 'or not' gives you freedom to take games for you and your children to play, suggest playing in the garden, a park or going for a walk. You never know, other people might join in with you, once they see it's more fun and can see exactly how they could become involved.

They may be finding it hard to identify their role and people easily forget what is suitable for children at different ages, making it hard to suggest anything. They may just not be all that interested in small children, lots of people aren't.

I suspect things have changed enough that people's expectations, especially of attention being paid to children, are much higher now but when I was a child, one grandfather wasn't very interested in children, the others tried up to a point but in both cases it was completely accepted that the adults were the guests and I would play quietly in the corner. That was frequently my experience visiting parents' friends too.

In that context, I think an expectation that everything must be focused upon the children, when actually adults need social time too, would show things have gone too far the other way. With GPs it's a bit different, you'd hope they'd want to establish a relationship but, if that is mostly through you for a while, so be it.

yes my experience of visiting GP's was the same, my nan never made much fuss over me or my siblings - she passed away not knowing us much. so maybe this has something to do with why my view about spending time with DC's so important?

DP has son of 7 too who potters around as much as DD. so im guessing its what some of your reply's have suggested and that this is the familys way of life - i just find it different to what i would imagen.

FWIW I do think that watching tv and playing computer games when you have visitors, rather than talking to them for a while at least, is quite rude but if they don't you're not going to change that. Seeing it as joining in with a family activity is quite different.

If you don't know them really well, visiting in-laws can be tricky, especially if your DP relaxes into 'child at home' mode and just assumes you know all the rules too, forgetting that, to start with, you do feel like a guest, you will never be his parents' child and you need some guidance on what's normal.

I'd add though, that visiting friends who see their children as the most interesting people in the world and just assume that everyone else does, can seem just as wearing and pointless!

I agree there is to much expectation that children should be the centre of attention. At visits to my grandparents, me and my sister woulPerhaps your partner wants to spend social time with his dad, watching something they both enjoy together, rather than acting like an unpaid children's entertainer. If you went to encourage interaction, why not bring a toy book or game that would give the grandparents something structured and interactive to do with your child.
As an a child when we were taken to my graparents, we had a selection of toys already there. We would be left to play quietly upstairs whilst the adults did their own thing. It was infinitely more fun than being cooed over or being treated like a performing seal. So your kids aren't missing out on anything.

Sorry about the confusion in the above post, phone's cursor went loopy.

I agree with ComposHat. It's up to you, OP, you can make a point and not go or you can persevere and maybe suggest a day out with them so tht they're out of their environment.

It sounds like they won't miss out by not seeing your DD so be very sure about the result you want before withdrawing the pleasure of her company.

As kids, it was up to us to find common ground, make an effort with grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc., rather than expect them to be enthralled with us. Maybe times have changed?

frankly, when everyone else is out of step and you are the only one doing it right, I think you need to have a rethink. Sorry but there is one common denominator here - you!!!

reading your post has put it all in another perspective, i can see where i was going/thinking wrong. and can now see how i can relax at the IL's and not assume if DD aint getting fussed she'd be sad - silly when i think of it now!

composhat -your right that its tricky to get into feeling like im family visiting instead of guest, whislt DP happily relaxes as 'child at home' mode (did make me chuckle) does make it harder as i dont know them too well...because we dont see them much. bit of a circle i suppose!