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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Upset by remark?

43 replies

wifey6 · 12/01/2012 13:14

This may be nothing but my single friend with no DC said to me while we were chatting 'wow I could never be a wife & mum'...I reassured her she could..what a lovely person she is etc
Her reply...'no I couldn't..well, let's face it..your life is over now isn't it?'
My reply...'it's not over..it's just different'.
Cue baby crying & we said our goodbyes.
It was the look of pity on her face when she said these remarks. AIBU to be a bi upset by this?

OP posts:
PoultryInMotion · 12/01/2012 13:16

Don't be upset, your life is most definately not over. You said the right thing, it's just different. And most people would say for the better.

PoultryInMotion · 12/01/2012 13:16

P.S. Your friend's a caaahh!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 12/01/2012 13:18

Don't be upset by that silly remark. Your friend is probably wracking her brain trying to work out why she said such a twattish thing.

If YOU think your life is over, then it is. If you don't, then it's not.

So YABU to be upset but something so ridiculous Smile.

BeaOnSea · 12/01/2012 13:19

Don't be upset. You were right to say it's just different.

She has never been in your position so is speaking from an outside perspective only. You, however, have previously been without DC so can compare the two.

Sandalwood · 12/01/2012 13:20

Maybe she was feeling a bit miffed after your 'lovely person' remark.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/01/2012 13:21

Ever heard the saying "The lady doth protest too much?"......maybe this is your friends defence mechanism because she would actually love to be a mum but as she is single she doesnt have the chance at the moment.

You know your life is good so ignore her. My life is so not the same since I had my DS it has changed so much and yes of course for the better.

Horses for courses and all that but ff 10 years and remind her what she said and she will probably say what a twat she was!

Original poster
wifey6 · 12/01/2012 13:23

Thank you everyone. I think I was more taken back but to be honest she does live a very different life to me. Parties nearly every night & big holidays with friends...as I met my DH..married...baby & house before at 26. My life must look boring in comparison but I love my life. Does seem silly now...but did upset me at the time.

OP posts:
TroublesomeEx · 12/01/2012 13:26

Maybe she felt a bit patronised by your comments - you assumed she was saying she wouldn't have the necessary qualities to be a mum and a wife after all!

I wouldn't take it too seriously.

I have a very high flying high achieving friend who has travelled the world, lived in different countries, has the most amazing adventures, lives alone, eats out most nights.

I don't, I do the school run, go to school concerts, bake cakes and cook fresh meals from scratch, go on camping holidays in the English countryside/coast, live in a chaotic bustling house of activity.

Neither of us is happier or has a better life than the other, they're just very different! There are elements of her life I'd love to have a bit of, but then I know she'd say the same about me because she has done.

Original poster
wifey6 · 12/01/2012 13:30

Oo no...I definitely didn't mean to sound patronising in my replies to her comments. She didn't seem to take it that way...

OP posts:
EmmaBemma · 12/01/2012 13:36

She probably does pity you! And obviously parenthood is hard sometimes, from anyone's perspective. But I know I'd just keep poppin' 'em out if money/house size was no object, and I was v. much undecided about children for a long time before I had two of my own.

I agree with Folkgirl, don't take it personally. It doesn't matter what she thinks about your life; she's not the one living it!

Sandalwood · 12/01/2012 13:36

It does sound a bit "you too can be a lovely person, like me", Wifey.

EmmaBemma · 12/01/2012 13:38

"Ever heard the saying "The lady doth protest too much?"......maybe this is your friends defence mechanism because she would actually love to be a mum "

PS I would be careful about making that sort of assumption, especially as the girl in question is in her mid-twenties. Sometimes, people who say they don't want children, really don't want them.

Callisto · 12/01/2012 13:39

Before I had a child the thought of having children horrified me beyond words. In fact, although I adore DD, the thought of having more children and all of the added domestic grind still horrifies me. Perhaps your friend just blurted it out without thinking and now feels awful about it?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 12/01/2012 13:40

Erm, did you see the word maybe in there. Of course some people dont want them.....but some who do want them say they dont too!

Original poster
wifey6 · 12/01/2012 13:41

I never thought about the defense mechanism before....thank you for those who have highlighted that. I really didn't think my reply might of come across that way..Sad

OP posts:
EmmaBemma · 12/01/2012 13:41

I did see it Betty, I just don't think it's a helpful assumption to make, even with that caveat.

SarahBumBarer · 12/01/2012 13:49

Well the first few years is certainly a bit more regmented than the more carefree spur of the moment life I was used to but... I would have just said actually I don't feel it is over, I am very excited about all the things I will be able to do with DC as they get older.

DS1 is 18 months - already I get to go on the slides at soft play, I could never have done that before I had him and such things did not exist when I was little Grin

onelittlefish · 12/01/2012 13:49

Don't be upset. She is just shallow - although people always witter on about the hard work they forget to say the lovely things about being a mum like going for walks, the cuddles, the first time they say "I love you", cuddling up and reading books together. I could bottle those moments if I could.

I wish people could be more positive about being a mother (feel there is a thread there).

Pancakeflipper · 12/01/2012 13:51

Do you think your life is over?

Original poster
wifey6 · 12/01/2012 13:54

I agree sarah & onelittlefish. I love being a mummy & I have embraced my new life. I think that's why this upset me.

OP posts:
Original poster
wifey6 · 12/01/2012 13:56

pancake....no..I honestly feel since having my DS that my life has truly begun. I never did or had anything in my life that mattered as much or gave me as much purpose as being a mummy gives me.

OP posts:
AndiMac · 12/01/2012 14:12

I remember a quote I read, in GQ magazine of all places.

"Once you have children, you will never truly be free again. You will also never have a better reason to be alive".

Which I thought was a pretty succinct view of parenthood.

Don't take your friend's remark to heart, she can't see it from the other side; you can.

Original poster
wifey6 · 12/01/2012 14:15

AndiMac.....I like that saying...thank you for posting that. Smile it's very true

OP posts:
cumbria81 · 12/01/2012 14:17

Well, she is kind of right.....

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/01/2012 14:17

Perhaps she thought you were pitying her - so she 'pityed' you back. I personally don't understand how someone's life can begin only when they have children... it's like everything that went before meant nothing, which seems odd.

As someone else said... horses for courses. Think a little about your responses as much as you think about your friend's to you.

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