to still feel sad I didn't bond with baby straight away?

[Newmummytobe79]

I watched one born every minute last night and it's made me sad.

My baby is four months old and I couldn't imagine life without baby now and my love is unquestionable.

I did however have a terrible birth and for the first six weeks I cried all the time and felt very empty. I thought terrible things and struggled to bond. I bf and cared for my baby very well but the love took time to come.

I now can't believe I ever felt like that and it makes me feel very sad. I fall deeper in love every day but feel envious of those mums who bond straight away and of our family who smothered our baby with love from the minute they met.

My DH says I shouldn't beat myself up about the hazey days as I adore baby so very much now - we've even discussed having another one (one day!), which I never thought I'd do!

Will the sad feelings ease in time?

I had similar to you - v upsetting birth, and it took me about 6 months to feel anything at all tbh. I do feel sad about it, but try to think that no one has perfect experience of having children - my friend who's just had her baby is very close to hers, but rows with husband constantly since the baby arrived, whereas my dp was great.

Try to take comfort from the fact that, as you say, although the bond maybe wasn't there from day one, you were still a brilliant mother for him/her, and they weren't disadvantaged at all.

Both my childrens births were incredibly traumatic, and like you I wish I could have had the birth experience I'd hoped for.
It took me a year to "get over" my daughters horrific birth. I had PTSD and PND and just cried the majority of the time.
I'm happy to tell you that the sad feelings for me have eased a lot, however I think I will always wish I could have the birth I'd hoped for.
As my children have got older I've stopped thinking about the birth so much and now concentrate on the wonderful things they do every day that make me so proud and happy!

Totally understandable I was the same for about 6 weeks with DD2 but it soon came after that, can't imagine life without either of them and they've survived me as their mum for 14 & 16 years respectively

Enjoy your bundle of loveliness, and forgive yourself, they soon grow into hulking teens!

Yes they will, I had a traumatic birth after a very long labour and was so exhausted at the end of it all I wasn't even that interested in holding the baby when she was born, I wanted everyone to get out of the room and let me sleep. I don't feel that I really bonded with DD until the first couple of weeks had passed and things started to get back to normal a bit, DH was back at work and the visitors died down and for most of the time it was just me and DD getting into our own routine. I did feel guilty to start with but I have a very strong bond with DD now and I feel that's what counts, she won't remember the first few weeks and she was always fed and clean.

I still feel faintly guilty 13 years on that I fell in love with one of my twins a week before the other. Daft eh?

i still feel a little like this years after so please

a) don't beat yourself up about it esp after such
a difficult birth (little wonder you didn't bond). Cut yourself some slack

b) get every single bit of help you need still - from dh/family/therapy/exercise/medical whatever to support you thro the early years, it's really important for ALL of you for you to have this.

My second birth was as it "should" be - instant bonding but then, unlike the 1st time, I hadn't been ripped to pieces with little support, bad tears, pending infection and huge loss of blood..

A lot of birth is down to luck, a lot down to experience (1st births generally SO much harder), a lot down to support. PLus One Born is EDITED! Those mums who had the most difficult births are unlikely to want them shown!

Posted too soon - purely because one looked like my adored dad and the other like my not so adored MIL.

You were recovering yourself. A 'straight forward' birth can knock you for six.

Its so easy, especially for mothers to focus on the things we wish we did differently, but its silly. Your babies well looked after and loved, that's all that matters.

And, IMHO babies have no idea what's going on in the first 2 months so your DC probably wouldn't of noticed! My DS is 10 months and I think he's only just started twigging I'm more then a milke a warmth maachine!

Am watching one born every minute now!

YANBU to feel sad about it. I felt quite matter-of-fact about not bonding with my oldest daughter straight away - I just accepted that for some people it takes time, and although I didn't have a traumatic birth like you I did still find it all a huge shock to the system and it took me a while to come to terms with everything. She looked serene after the birth - she was hardly even crying. Beautiful, but somehow remote from me - I couldn't believe she was mine.

But when my second daughter was born, there was such a stark difference in the way I felt about her from the second I clapped eyes on her, all pink and screaming and furious (I remember thinking with a flood of immediate affection "oh, come here, funny little thing" and just holding her close), I felt terribly guilty in the months afterward that it hadn't been like that with my first. But I'm much more at peace with it all now - I can understand why I felt as I did each time. I hope you feel better about things soon too.

Incidentally, your post reminds me why I can't watch OBEM now - it's too emotional for me! It brings back such strong feelings and sense memories, and there's no focus for them, as I'll probably never have another child.

Try not to let those early days cloud the here and now. I know it's upsetting, I was the same, I had one moment of teary eyed, overwhelming love the 2nd night in the hospital with DD, then the trauma of her birth, the stress of the hospital stay (horrid in itself) and the onset of PND and her colic meant that I felt numb for months afterwards.

YANBU for feeling sad about it, but with every day that passes, it becomes less significant, and I know DD won't remember. I have read lots on here about this because I also didn't bond straight away, and I have gathered from mn that's it's so much more common than we would be led to believe. Didn't have a traumatic birth but had a nightmare first week with us ending up back in hospital for a couple of days. I had mild/moderate PND from about then and it lasted until about 4-5 months I reckon, I can relate to everything you said - crying, terrible thoughts, etc, just 'going through the motions' of looking after her, because I knew I had to, not because I adored her. I don't think I felt any kind of maternal instinct until about 9 weeks when she had acid reflux (seeing her in pain was horrid).

But....we get better. We move on, and it stops feeling bad, and (at 10 months, but in fact from about 6 months) I adore DD with every fibre of my being. Those early days seem to matter less and less. I suppose I do feel a bit 'cheated' that I didn't have that 'magical' experience (it was all just a big living nightmare to me), but it matters less and less as the days go by.

So YANBU to feel sad, but don't let the sad feeling hold you back from what you want to be doing/feeling now.

D

I can understand you feeling sad, but don't blame yourself, you sound like a very caring mum. I didn't bond with DD for weeks (had a long labour and then DD was distressed, resulting in an EMCS). For a long time, she was just 'the baby' and didn't feel like my baby :( I was relieved when the love and connection finally did come, but it took a couple of years to stop feeling guilty.

Plot a time line. Start it at the birth, or even before - did you love your baby when they were wriggling inside?

Take the time line forward. When did you bond?

Now take the time line forward, many many years into the future.... How big a chunk is that period of "not bonding" compared to all the rest of time spent loving? (we'll ignore the teenage years for the purposes of this :o)

It is a teeny tiny period of time and your baby will have had no idea - all they cared about was being fed and cared for. Which you did, very well.

Why I'm not going to watch OBEM! I feel sad for the me who went through that time but not sad for current me because I am very happy with my little girl although I wish she would bloody sleep. I'm sure the sad feelings will start to wear off, I expect I just have to live with them for a while first. I hope you feel better soon.

YANBU, I had a traumatic birth with DS and he was ill afterwards. I found it impossible to bond with him for about 9 months and for a few years after bonding, whne I looked back it made me so so sad....... Me and DH work together from home, so DH was around a lot. What really made it worse (for me, not my DS!) was that DS bonded incredibly with DH. Logically I was happy as I knew DH gave him what I couldnt... but everytime he cried and only Daddy could comfort him, it hurt me a little bit more... However, when he was 15m old I had DD, who I bonded with straight away. It has taken time but now - DS is 4 and DD is nearly 3 - i feel idenitcally about both of them. I dont love him any less, and I no longer look back andfeel sad, as it feels so long ago now. YANBU to feel sad, but you need to be kind to yourself. Its not your fault you had a bad birth and couldnt bond. You havent failed in someway buy not exploding with love the second you saw your baby.! Going over and over it in your head it beating yourself up about something you had no control over. Lots of people feel this way and I think it is a lot more common than people think. Remeber OBEM is edited to make good TV!

YANBU but do you think that all the women on the TV show are bonding? Or do you think some of them migh just be going through the motions for the cameras? Doesn't matter how easy or difficult the birth, everyone relates to their baby in their own way and in their own time. Listen to your DH, let those first few weeks fade into the past, and instead look forward to developing the relationship you have with your child over the rest of your life.

YANBU. DD arrived under rather traumatic circumstances too and I didn't clap eyes on her for the first hour whilst I was kept in theatre. When she was handed to me I felt empty, I just wanted to pass her straight back and ask everyone to leave me to sleep. I've always wondered just how many women - whether they've had a decent birth experience or not - feel that sudden onset of complete love and devotion when they see their child for the very first time. I cried every day for weeks and thought I was the crappiest of crap mothers because I didn't feel much beyond the shock of the birth and the terror of such responsibility. It all fades with time though - honestly. My DD is 2 now and it never crosses my mind and hasn't done for a very long time.

I had a really medicalised birth and ds was born 8 weeks early and whisked off to SCUBU as soon as he was born and I didn't see him until 24 hours later as I was very ill as well. I didn't get that rush of love and bonding thing until ds was 3 months and he looked at me a smiled so I know how you feel. the BEST advice anyone ever gave me was from my dad who said "Don't worry if you can't hold him straight way and don't bond, you have the rest of your lives together to bond."

Wise man my old dad :)

I agree with the person who said you can't know what people are experiencing by looking at them cuddling a baby on TV. When my first arrived, I made all the right noises, cuddled her, and was attentive to her needs, but I didn't fall in love with her til about 6 weeks in either, I didn't feel distanced or pretending, just not that overwhelming love thing, and in fact it may have been later on I truly felt it. Now she's 8 and I adore her in an embarrassing manner!

Those on OBEM might be having similar experiences, be cuddling and entranced by the new baby but not necessarily feeling that bonding, it's not something you can see from the outside I don't think. Of course, they might, but I wouldn't project your own worries onto them, they may be worried about the same thing.

And, my experience is that more first-timers find the love growing than feel it instantly, the shock of a difficult birth (which first-time often are) and the newness of being a mum seems to make it all a little more nerve-wracking and difficult, I also cried a lot in those early days, you are completely normal so don't beat yourself up whatsoever.

YANBU, I was the same, had a awful traumatic birth, felt like I had been tortured after 3 days ended up with a emcs, then my dd was ill and whisked away to scbu.

And to cap it all off was back in hospital when dd was 2 weeks old, I can honestly say it took about 4 months to properly bond, maybe even longer.

I do feel sad about it, one of my friends recently had a baby and was loved up from the moment he was born which is obviously lovely but makes me realise how different it was for me.

I felt exactly the same. I had a emcs and felt positively cheated. The first weeks I felt very anxious and almost detached. The love and bonding came though eventually. It felt like a BIG thing at the time, the birth etc, but nealy 8 years on, I rarely think of it any more. I think it is a big myth that everyone falls in love with their baby instantly.

OP - it will come and the pain will fade. Our dd was born in about 90 minutes flat, bright pink and screaming. It was the most stressful pregnancy imaginable and I never ever believed it would end in a real live baby. She was born 51 weeks after ds2 died in my arms a few hours after being born at 27 weeks. I had imagined I would replace my lost boy with a another boy and it took me a long time to realise I loved her every bit as much as I loved my "perfect ds1". Probably until she was about 3 .

She is now 13 and I cannot believe how much I love her. I still nuzzle my face into her hair and am so proud of her and pleased that I have her.

There is so much about the "perfect" families you see that you don't know.

I'm so sorry you had a difficult first few months - the heartbreak will fade and eventually make you realise even more than otherwise how much you love you lo and how special your relationship is. Fortunately birth, breast feeding and the early months are never remembered by our babies. They remember love, wiping away a tear, a hug when they fall out with ther b/f, their favourite dinner, their favourite story, endless funny little things special to your family, and their mum and their dad who were always there for them and kept them safe when it mattered most.

With love OP.

I had no rush of love feelings with DD (emergency forceps, big mess, trauma, ongoing issues etc) just shock and pain. But I fed her, held her, changed her and did what I could to meet all her needs. I showed her love even though I was feeling far from loved up.

Love is often an action. An emotional high? That's hormones, apparantly if I run I should get endorphins and feel great. I got up to a 5k once and felt nothing. Just tired and weary and relieved when I stopped. Some people don't get hormonal highs like others, especially when there is trauma to block things.

It would have been lovely for you and I to have had a moment of maternal bliss, but that's all it would have been. A moment. Bonding takes weeks, months, years of loving action. Deep breath OP and live in the moment you have now.

If the trauma still sticks around get your GP to refer you to a counsellor who specialises in birth trauma. I saw someone when pregnant with DS (elcs and v.calm birth though no high) and it made a huge difference.

Congrats on your baby!

well i had a fairly easy labour and i didn't bond with dd until she was about 7 months.

from the moment she was born my first thought was 'what have i done?'

when dd was about 8 weeks old i sent her to my mums for the weekend as i really could't stand being in the same house, let alone the same room as her

i'm with your DH on this one, why keep beating yourself up about it? the sad feelings do go

Love is a complicated emotion.

I had easy births with both of mine but I wouldn't say I loved them both immediately.

I was proud and felt fiercely protective towards them and very strongly about them, but love? Not like I do now.

I got to know them a bit before I really started to get that lovey sort of feeling.