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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would do re horrible comments made by inlaws behind our backs?

46 replies

birdynumnums · 12/01/2012 00:06

I know it's late but just wanted to canvas as many opinions as possible as not sure what to do tomorrow.

We rely on inlaws a couple of times a week to provide childcare while I am at work. Today, I have been informed by a very reliable source that they are slagging me off constantly. My 3 year old is being assessed for learning difficulties at the moment and they are saying it's my fault which is very upsetting as I have been worrying it's my fault anyway which I know deep down it's not - they say his language is completely behind and i'm not doing anything about it. I have referred him months ago and he is being visited at nursery by early years and language therapists but not as often as I hoped.

3 year old is a very picky eater at the moment and they are saying he must have an eating disorder because he has a hairy back (he was born with this and the health visitor said the hair would drop off eventually).

They have said I don't dress my kids warmly enough. Apparently, they should be wearing a vest, t shirt and fleece under their coats and I only dress them in a vest and jumper under their coats. I know my kids would swelter if I dressed them any heavier and they always wear hats.

I have been slagged off for 17 month old having a sore bum (he is teething) and for me forgetting to pack clean socks in their bag. They had to pick my son up from nursery yesterday and the staff told them 3 year old had pulled a girl's hair. MIL told me later that I had to do something about it now 'otherwise he will end up at special school'. I am a shy person and don't often argue but I did tell her that was a ridiculous thing to say and she got funny with me.

I posted a while ago about my inlaws detrimental effects on our sons toilet training. Basically, he is over 3 and was really struggling with it. One day, we were there and they completely overreacted to him having an accident in their house, spending 40 minutes cleaning it up and forcing him to sit on the toilet despite him being terrified and we realised that they were probably putting his training back. Well, I found other childcare arrangements for 2 weeks and managed to train him completely using positive reinforcement.

Now after todays revelations, DP wants to cut contact with his mom and dad apart from the occasional supervised meal . He says they are negative influences on the kids and DS1 never wants to go there anyway. PIL have often said our kids are what keep them going and I know they do love them. They will do anything to help us out and it is hard with both of us working. I am pissed off with them but don't know if we should cut them out. DS2 particularly seems to like going there.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/01/2012 00:13

I don't think there's any need to cut them out, but I think there's every need to stop using them as childcare if they are that bad.

Ask yourself this

If they were professional child minders and acted like that, would you be happy to pay them to look after your children?

FriggFRIGG · 12/01/2012 00:37

Don't cut contact,just stop using them as free crappy childcare.

northcountrygirl · 12/01/2012 00:42

I think your DP is right - their behaviour is outrageous!

bobbledunk · 12/01/2012 01:05

Deal with the horrible comments first, they are being incredibly disrespectful of you but are probably so used to their bitchiness going unchallanged that they probably don't even realise it, it becomes second nature to some people.

In my experience the best way to deal with this is address it head on. Be nice enough. Just greet them with a smile and hold eye contact while saying 'I hear you're telling everybody I'm a terrible mother, that I'm responsible for my son's sn', every time you hear of them saying anything bad about you bring it up to their face. Don't bother arguing about it or getting upset, just make it clear you know they're bitching.

Don't ban them from their grandchildren but stop using them for free childcare and be honest about why. They are not very good at it and your children deserve better.

rockyroadicecream · 12/01/2012 01:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tryharder · 12/01/2012 01:27

Do you think that the criticism is constant carping and is genuinely negative or is it just the odd gripe? Maybe they don't realise how negative and horrible they are being.

I would challenge them about it. I would sit with your DH and your inlaws around a table and tell them what you have told us. Ask them why they said those things. Explain to them the consequences of them continuing to bad mouth you.

I wouldn't cut off contact though.

theincredibequeenofwands · 12/01/2012 01:33

I'd definately stop using them as childcare.

If she's saying all of this behind your back then god knows what she's actually saying to your son. She's niggle and pick on him until any confidence is completely eroded and you'll end up with a really unhappy child.

I agree with the supervised meals. Clearly they shouldn't be left alone with vunerable children.

squeakytoy · 12/01/2012 01:34

I would question the motives behind the "reliable source" firstly.

Morloth · 12/01/2012 01:52

No need to cut contact but you do need to stop using them as daycare, it might be 'free' but really it is very very expensive.

Your DH knows them better than you do, listen to him.

EttiKetti · 12/01/2012 04:37

I'd be questioning the motives of the person who told you but not using them as childcare. No reason to cut them out, but visit together, not leave dc with them.

marriedinwhite · 12/01/2012 05:12

They sound as though they can't cope with the concept that ds1 may have sn and scared about the consequences. They also don't sound particularly intelligent.

Have you involved them in ds1's problems and provided them with literature, advice about what he needs to support him. Just drop in "the hv said he needed to do x", etc.

The clothes: "it's the warmest winter for three years and I bundle them into the car to come". Personally I would leave a couple of fleeces and a bag of socks there for the dc to shut them up.

Sore bottom: "change nappies more and use metanium"

And challenge what you have heard "x has told me what you have been saying, in future if you have concerns I would appreciate it if you would discuss them with me".

Speech and language: If your son isn't getting enough support then be pro-active and contact GP/nursery/therapists and find out why.

I certainly wouldn't cut them out but as others have said I would try to find alternative childcare if only for ds1 with whom they don't seem to have a +ve relationship.

TroublesomeEx · 12/01/2012 06:10

Stop using them as childcare.

Challenge them if they say things about you/children then challenge them - or ask DH to.

You and DH need to present an impenetrable united front.

It's up to you who you leave your children with unsupervised, so if you feel that you want to be around when the children spend time with their grandparents then do so.

runningwilde · 12/01/2012 06:13

I'm afraid that yabvu to use them as free convenient childcare knowing the effect they have on your boy. Aside from the slagging off, you should have stopped the childcare bit ages ago due to the detrimental effect on your boy.

MidnightHag · 12/01/2012 07:04

If you're both working you can afford childcare, no?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 12/01/2012 07:12

Agree with the overwhelming consensus that they should not be providing care for your DC.
I don't think it's necessary to cut off all contact, but certainly reduce the number of hours your DC spend with them.

twilight3 · 12/01/2012 07:50

3 year old pulling another child's hair??? Shock You must be doing something wrong, at his age he should be more political and able to discuss (in queen's english) and resolve the dispute over whatever toy with the little girl without invoving caretakes, parents or hair pulling. Grin

I'm sorry I have nothing useful to say, but having been through the same with my own mother years and years ago, I kinda learned to ignore it and laugh at it... I certainly couldn't afford to reduce the hours of childcare she was offering (about 15 a week for 3 years) but hey-ho, who cares what they think?

twilight3 · 12/01/2012 07:53

sorry, I just read your last paragraph about the toilet training and the kid not wanting to go there Blush
hmmm... I don't know what I would do... how are they with the little one, could you not have a childminder just for the older one, for when he's not in nursery?

pigletmania · 12/01/2012 07:55

You poor thing. I am sure that my IL's would be the same, but they live abroad phew so we don't see much of them, my mum is just as bad. I get much the same thing as you but not too bad as I don't see them as much. I have a very good friend, and when they are over they talk about me to her in a bad way.

I would stop using them a childcare tbh, and have as little to do with them as you can.

Bossybritches22 · 12/01/2012 08:06

If you are both working you can claim childcare tax credits if you are on low income and then get a CM or nursery.

i think it would be cruel to cut them off completely but keep them for the social stuff and introduce other childcare, you may have to cut back on other stuff but your children's welfare and your sanity are priority.

Where was your "source" of this feedback about them, are they 100% reliable?

schobe · 12/01/2012 08:08

I'm with your DP tbh. What's wrong with special school if he turns out to need that kind of support?

Callisto · 12/01/2012 08:08

If your 3yo doesn't want to spend time with his grandparents there must be something wrong. Why have you not questioned and resolved this? Why is this less important than your in-laws saying nasty things about you? If my DD was reluctant to go anywhere I would question why and wonder what was making her unhappy. It seems that free childcare is more important than your childs welfare.

SantasENormaSnob · 12/01/2012 08:18

What Callisto said.

Did you actually sit for 40 minutes and watch your child berated for a toilet incident whilst potty training?

You are putting the free child care above the welfare of your child IMO

aldiwhore · 12/01/2012 08:24

I think the first step would be to talk. Even reliable sources can embelish or edit the truth, information gets distorted like Chinese whispers.

Talk to them. Ask them what the problem is and see if you can fix it, talk about the issues. Explain why the children don't wear more clothes, there is good reason for it (my son would run naked through the snow if he could, he doesn't do warm clothes at all!) see what happens with communication.

If it doesn't improve then I agree you should stop using them as free childcare, they are not professionals so you can't be too demanding, your children are yours though, so you can have some rules.

I wouldn't cut them out of your life. It seems like unjust punishment at this time.

JustHecate · 12/01/2012 08:29

I would find alternative childcare.

And I'd tell them why.

Pishtushette · 12/01/2012 08:35

I don't think OP said there is anything wring with a special school. She's just saying that if a 3yo pulls someone's hair it won't mean they'll end up in special school.