To ask what you would do re horrible comments made by inlaws behind our backs?

[birdynumnums]

I know it's late but just wanted to canvas as many opinions as possible as not sure what to do tomorrow.

We rely on inlaws a couple of times a week to provide childcare while I am at work. Today, I have been informed by a very reliable source that they are slagging me off constantly. My 3 year old is being assessed for learning difficulties at the moment and they are saying it's my fault which is very upsetting as I have been worrying it's my fault anyway which I know deep down it's not - they say his language is completely behind and i'm not doing anything about it. I have referred him months ago and he is being visited at nursery by early years and language therapists but not as often as I hoped.

3 year old is a very picky eater at the moment and they are saying he must have an eating disorder because he has a hairy back (he was born with this and the health visitor said the hair would drop off eventually).

They have said I don't dress my kids warmly enough. Apparently, they should be wearing a vest, t shirt and fleece under their coats and I only dress them in a vest and jumper under their coats. I know my kids would swelter if I dressed them any heavier and they always wear hats.

I have been slagged off for 17 month old having a sore bum (he is teething) and for me forgetting to pack clean socks in their bag. They had to pick my son up from nursery yesterday and the staff told them 3 year old had pulled a girl's hair. MIL told me later that I had to do something about it now 'otherwise he will end up at special school'. I am a shy person and don't often argue but I did tell her that was a ridiculous thing to say and she got funny with me.

I posted a while ago about my inlaws detrimental effects on our sons toilet training. Basically, he is over 3 and was really struggling with it. One day, we were there and they completely overreacted to him having an accident in their house, spending 40 minutes cleaning it up and forcing him to sit on the toilet despite him being terrified and we realised that they were probably putting his training back. Well, I found other childcare arrangements for 2 weeks and managed to train him completely using positive reinforcement.

Now after todays revelations, DP wants to cut contact with his mom and dad apart from the occasional supervised meal . He says they are negative influences on the kids and DS1 never wants to go there anyway. PIL have often said our kids are what keep them going and I know they do love them. They will do anything to help us out and it is hard with both of us working. I am pissed off with them but don't know if we should cut them out. DS2 particularly seems to like going there.

Tell your mother my oldest son is in a sen school. He has been since yr 3 and is now in yr 11. He is not some hair pulling social reject and nor are his class mates. He is just a child with additional needs that cannot be met in mainstream education.

For that comment alone i would not be letting her have sole charge of my children, She could see them yes but only when a parent is present.

I agree that you need to check the 'source' but it sounds like you have been having doubts for a while.

If all you say is true you cannot possibly keep sending your DCs there. Its unkind.

Your PIL are not coping with your DCs or meeting their needs.

Put them in proper childcare.

Stand up for yourself and your children. You can do it and you will feel better once you do.

Nothing wrong with SN school if that is what suits your child. Its not second best. My son is in a class of 9 - trying getting that in a mainstream state school.

Pish - you're right, I didn't mean the OP had any issue with a SS. It's clearly the in-laws who seem to have ignorant views surrounding special needs. I didn't explain well.

Very good point up there about your partner knowing his parents well and so respecting his views about the childcare.

As parent to a child with language delay, I'm afraid it is a very common scenario for family to be so frightened at the SN stuff that they blame the parents, as it's far less scary to think all would be well if the parents bucked their ideas up, than to think that a child has a possibly permanent problem.

If you feel up to checking out the special needs boards, posters on there have a lot of experience of language delay, and the stress of the pre-school period when your kid seems to be on lengthy waiting lists etc.

Thanks for responses. Source is very reliable - in fact, I am surprised they were bitching to my source because they know the person is very close to me. Problem is my source has asked me not to say anything because they don't want to be labelled a trouble maker but they really wanted to give me a heads up as they were concerned that they would be saying even worse things to other people. So now I am stuck as to how to address the situation without dropping them in it.

Think the toilet training incident may have been what turned things nasty as we kept kids away for 2 weeks and then told them exactly how we were dealing with it and told them not to force him to do anything. I don't think they liked it even though it worked. Even now they are going on about how awful it is they he was not trained before he was 3. They have helped us out alot in the past and we are very grateful but I'm wondering now if that help came at a price and they expected to have some form of control over us. Apparently, they are also moaning about the fact that they spent a fortune on clothes for the kids birthday and christmas presents and they hardly ever wear any of it. This is because they bought size 4-5 for 3 year old and he is still wearing size 2-3 years which i'm sure they would be aware of because they blimming notice everything else.

As for 3 year old not wanting to go there, I thought it was just because he adores his other nanna and when he goes to PIL, to him it just means he's not seeing his nanna. He is ok once he is there but am definitely going to try to limit their days. In terms of finding professional childcare, we can't afford it but i'm starting a new job in 3 months and the hours will mean I am at home in the day with the kids which will be such a relief. DP is furious with his parents and says they have always been negative people who think the worst of every situation. He really wants to cut them out but I am a sap and think this would be cruel to them and the kids

Perhaps you should advise your source to say

"look, please don't talk about birdy like this to me. She is my good friend and you are putting me in a difficult situation. It is unfair of you to expect me to keep what you are saying from her. Please don't try to involve me in this again. If you have a problem, I suggest you talk to her."

It sounds like you're more concerned about your ILs' feelings than those of your 3yo.

wellwisher, I am really, really not. Just trying to be rational and not overreact. The kids do love their nanna and grandad. I come from a broken family and know it's hard as a child to not see people you have grown up with and love.

They sound horrible. I am at a loss as to why you have let this situation continue.

If you are both working, and use ofsted registered childcare, tax credits will cover most of your fees. He will also have a free nursery allowance (think it is 3 hours per day free care) that you can wrap the paid care around. You should be looking into how much tax credits you can get! But you need to be able to supply the ofsted registration numbers and monthly childcare costs from nursery in order to claim it.

You definitely need to find alternative childcare if that's an option. Then just see them on your terms with both you and your DH present. Let your DH tell them the new arrangements and if they bring it up with you just be vague and non-committal.

You may be shy and not like arguing, but you're a mother now and you must stand up for your kids (and yourself). Why did you let them berate your child for having a PT accident? You should have stepped in there and then. You sound scared of them and they are undermining you. Your child, your rules.

Why did your source bother telling you if they want you to keep quiet?! You know the info to be correct so act on it - your kids feelings are more important than this (presumably) adults.

You say you can't afford alternative childcare but have you actually looked into it, including how much working tax credits you can get towards it? Your 3yo should get 15 hours per week free pre-school care, so look into it. Is the cost of childcare really more important than your children's feelings and sanity? You mention nursery - can you extend their hours there? Or could the other grandparents have them instead?

I wouldn't say you should cut them out altogether but if they were my children they wouldn't be having them unsupervised. The fact is your in laws are critical, negative, manipulative and undermining your parenting and your self confidence. Who knows what they say to/around your kids when you're not there. They are a problem, but every problem has a solution. Carrying on like nothing's happened - even just until you start your new job - is not the solution to this problem.

I think there are two issues here. One: your PIL slagging off minor aspects of your parenting (not enough clothes/spare socks etc). Two: your PIL not being positive and supportive of your children - seeing normal behaviour (occasional wetting, hairpuling) overtly negatively & labeling in what sounds like a very unhelpful way.

The first - frankly, you should be able to get over, you're getting free childcare, there is always a catch. It doesn't hurt your kids at all, and it really shouldn't be a big deal to you. The second is really serious, and that's where I'd be focusing. Personally, I wouldn't want my kids in that sort of situation, 3 times a week, without my support. Cutting off all contact seems totally OTT though.

Thank you. I did let him down with the toilet training incident initially I know. They have undermined me and at times, I have been second guessing myself especially with my son's speech problems where I have spent hours and hours wondering if it is something I have done wrong. I have reduced their contact anyway but am going to reduce it even more. Me and DP are making arrangements today to use half days and I'm sure my mum will have them more if we explain what's happening. We only need childcare for 2 hours three times a week anyway. 3 year old gets his 15 free hours but we are not entitled to tax credits but dont earn enough to afford professional childcare for 2 children.

Good grief, your your dh doesn't want his kids to see his own parents, your son doesn't want to go there either, and you're arguing against it? Get your kids out of there!

If they're not doing childcare for you, you can visit as and when. If the ILs are rude or horrid to you or your children, you can pull them up on it, and if they do it again, you can go home, and leave it a while before you visit again.

I think you can limit contact without dropping your friends in it just from the things you have experienced first hand yourselves.

When you start your new job, start a new phase, use them for the odd bit of babysitting and invite them round for visits or go there with the DC's so you can counter their negativity.

I used to get this crap from my MIL all the frigging time, it wound me up no end. Then I got to the point that I decided to make it a game for my sanity. Everytime she said something negative I'd counter it with something positive.

"Oh are you using metal hangers with those wet shirts? I'd be afraid they'd go rusty"

"Oh no these moderns ones don't,not like the old ones you had in your day"

"That child will get fat if she eats much more"

"Oh I don't worry about that with the way she runs around, we don't want her getting food obsessed do we?"

Doesn't always work but if you keep doing it with a grin (through gritted teeth) it keeps it in perspective.

I have very two faced MIL too and now I have almost nothgin to do with her, I know she and FIL love our daughter and would never stop them seeing her but thankfully we live quite a distance away now so they only see her one weekend a month. They used to constantly go against what I wanted regarding her childcare and I used to get so angry about it because it used to make me look like the monster.
I think to say those things about you behind your back is very hurtful and damaging to your relationship, me and dh have had so many arguments about it I glad we have moved away now ....good luck x

why are your DC still being looked after by these horrible people? I only found out from my DS after a while that my father was being horrible to him. I stopped him looking after DS immediately. It was difficult, and has caused a big rift in the family, but DC need to know that you are there for them.

You cannot leave DS there for another three months until you start another job. You must stop them looking after your DC immediately. This cannot continue under any circumstances.

I would find other childcare arrangements permanently.

Perhaps they find it stressful looking after the children and difficult to cope...so are lashing out.

Don't cut your ties with them...they have been helpful to you both....just adjust your arrangements.

God they sound a bloody nightmare!

1. Stop using them as child care. Lengthy contact with them may be having a negative impact on ds1.
2. Use metanium bum cream and change more often

Your dp needs to have serious words with them. And all contact needs to be supervised as they may be slagging you off in front of your own children which will be extremely upsetting for them.

PIL have often said our kids are what keep them going and I know they do love them. They will do anything to help us out and it is hard with both of us working.

This is not what I would call 'anything to help us out' at all.
Whatever the reasons for their attitude, find a childminder/nursery and put them back in the role of grandparents not carers.

And I can't believe your husband had a really negative view of his parents and you both decided to use them for childcare anyway!

What were you thinking?