To be sick and tired of DH's MBA studies (rant alert!)

[gastrognome]

DH is studying full time for an MBA this year. We have two daughters, one aged 3.7 and the other aged 11 months. Both are fun but energetic and challenging. I work nearly full time (80 percent) and support the household at the moment, though DH does contribute a bit financially. I have a very busy job that I enjoy, but it is hectic and tiring, and involves some studying of my own.

Anyway though I appreciate that the MBA is something that DH is really committed to and enjoying, he did rather bring the whole plan into play by stealth, as I had requested he wait till our youngest was a year older before embarking on something so time consuming. But he applied anyway for this year and just quietly carried on making plans until there wasn't much I could do to change things. in other words, by the time I realised he was planning to do it this year, it was too late to change the plans.

He has to stay late (past midnight) for corporate presentations at least once, if not twice a week, studies every evening and all weekend and has virtually no holidays, which means all school holidays, emergency childcare, etc. have to be covered by me this year.

I had an exam today for which I was unable to study last night (when i had planned to) due to DH being out all evening unexpectedly at yet another presentation. Our youngest daughter is not great at going down in the evenings so I can't always use that time for myself unless somebody else is around to help.

I still have a hundred and one things to do this evening, baby is not asleep (am bouncing her as i rant on MN!), dishwasher hasn't been emptied (husband's job usually) and husband has just left me to it and disappeared upstairs to study again.

AIBU to be sick to the back teeth of this MBA, given that it's not something I ever signed up for? I seem to get stuck with all the crap side of things while all the benefits go to my DH. Or should I just suck it up? After all it will benefit him and perhaps even the whole family in the long run, and believe it or not I am genuinely pleased for, and proud of him!

Oh, and I forgot to mention the two week overseas trip at Easter and the six week placement abroad over the summer, again leaving me to cover all childcare, school run etc myself! (luckily have drafted in my mum for some, though not all, of it)

I think it sounds very underhand, the way this has been done. For that alone I'd be fuming.

YABabitU
This time will pass and all will be well and he'll get his MBA.
Then it will be your turn to do what you want to do.

YADNBU. What a shitty thing to do.

Is this a one-year MBA? My DH did his by distance learning, going in to Uni once a month, the rest of the time he was working full time and I worked part-time.

For 2 years our dining table was home to his books & stuff! I took our 2 DCs around to grandma's a few times when he needed some intense study time, they were very small at the time, about 3 and 1, if I recall correctly. I think your DH is taking the p*ss and not taking you into consideration.

Of course an MBA is a big commitment and requires hard work but it has to be mutual support, seems that you need to be supported too!

By the way, my DH passed with honours (or "distinction" whatever the correct term is!)

Yes I think agreeing a set list of tasks would be a good idea. We have got a general division of tasks but I am probably being a bit of a martyr doing more than my fair share just to stop the house descending into chaos.

And I am trying to be supportive and understanding as he really does have a huge workload. He decided against a longer part time or distance learning course as we both thought it might be best to focus just on the MBA for a year and then have it out if the way.

I think I am partly feeling fed up due to that horrible January feeling, where it seems like it's been going on forever but the end of the academic year is nowhere in sight!

My DH did a full time 1 year MBA. It was hard work for him. However YANBU given that he didn't agree it with you before starting.

What ninky said. He needs to get it done and there's no going back now, but I would find his lying (that's basically what he did, as he applied without telling you!) hard to forgive

Mine did an MBA. No studying abroad, at all. It was a very hard study pattern, but he did manage some time for us. No evening presentations, or anything like that.

However, it really and truly was the best thing he did. You will reap the benefits within a few years, honestly.

That's underhand and mean for him to do that, I am doing a full time phd and also running the house and being a mum to a very demanding 17 mo who never seems ti sleep. My DH works full time and I would love to spend all evenings and weekend on my work, I certainly need to!

I think you need to sit down and explain to him you're fed up, and agree some down time for you, he has to see that you'll be a burnt wreck by the time he has finished otherwise!

Will you be complaining when he earns more as a result of the MBA?

I think YABA bit U.

My DH works away mon - fri leaving me to do childcare , cooking, bedtime routine, dishwasher emptying etc etc all week , and then has to work at home a few hrs both Sat and Sun as he has his own business.

Its not easy (I work too) but it has to be done.

Life would be just as chaotic if he left it a year before starting. DD2 is 26 months and takes ages to settle at night (usually 8.30 - 8.45 before asleep) and wakes up once or twice each night. There is no guarantee that your LO will be a better sleeper next year.

A full time MBA is an academic year. It's not long in the grand scheme of things. I did a part time MSc whilst working full time, the dissertation was finished whilst DD1 was 2 yrs. It was hard, but DH knew how important it was to my career and to my ability to get the job i have.

YANBU however in needing time to study yourself.

He needs to accomodate this request.

What exactly are corporate presentations? And why do they finish so late? That does sound rather odd to me...

Are the presentations in the pub? I have several friends who have done/are doing MBAs and not once have they had to stay past about seven pm. Meant to add that but distracted by email from supervisor telling me to get off MN asking if my presentation for tomorrow was complete.

Of course we both hope the MBA will prove to be a good investment. And I know IAB a bit U complaining when lots of people have far greater workloads to deal with. I have so much newfound respect for anybody bringing up children on their own or with a partner who works away

I think what is causing the underlying resentment for me is the fact that I am dealing with all the negative consequences of the decision without really feeling as though it's something I had much of a say in. And financially I am feeling quite a lot of pressure I suppose as I am supporting us all at the moment.

But I suppose I have to try not to lose sight of the end goal! Am sure it will all be worth it in the end.

Oh, and purplewednesday the presentations involve big companies coming to present their activities, recruitment opportunities for MBA graduates, etc. They always seem to start around 8pm and go on and on! By the time DH gets home it's always past midnight.

PS should mention we are in Belgium - maybe the late nights are a feature of the MBA programmes here?

It's no fun! I had DC3 in the middle of my husband's MBA - his took 2 years as he was working too. I've never seen anyone work so hard!

It was really just heads down and get on with it for all concerned. It was pretty tough for everyone but it did pass and it was definitely worth doing. (Although he now has a job where we hardly see him at all!)

Hang on in there and have a serious talk together about what you both need to fit in and how you are both going to manage it.

I am wondering if he needs to be at all these presentations.

He needs to complete the assignments, doesn't need to learn 100% of all of the surrounding and background info. Surely there isn't a recruitment opportunity on a weekly basis?

Sounds like there is a huge social element to these presentations that he is capitalising on.

Well, yes, he should have been more open with you about the application.

Workload: I did a one- year full time MBA and my god, it was tough! It really was 24 hours a day sometimes, and many of the lectures were in the evening too. I missed all holidays and weekends for a year, to be able to do the groupwork that was needed to pass, as well as my individual study and assignments. To compare, in Europe and the USA an MBA is two years full time. I loved it (and got a distinction!) but am v. glad I did it before children. My dh was super supportive, and I am eternally grateful for that.

It may seem never-ending now, but it will be over before you know it...

Yanbu, and bet that if he gets a good job at the end of it the long hours will continue and you will be expected to be "supportive" (ie do everything, as you are doing at the moment). He is being selfish.

MBA. Is hard work but what you are doing is hard work too. At very least he needs to pull his weight more around the house.

This too shall pass

YANBU. It seems as though he's put his needs first with no regard for your needs

YANBU. I was working full time and finishing my PhD when I moved in with DH but still did my share of housework and helping out with my now-stepsons. Sure it's hard but if you commit to a relationship and a family then you commit.

Dozer is completely right about the kind of job I imagine he's aspiring to.

There's two issues here. Firstly, the fact that you were bounced into it. That's something the two of you need to work on together as it's all about trust, communication and shared goals. Secondly, the issue of supporting him while he is studying - it is tough and demanding particularly because of the many groupwork assignments. These have to be scheduled when all members of the group can get together and are a real pain since you can't fit the studying in to your schedule like you can with the individual assignments.

For this year, I would let every single extraneous thing go and sadly that will include much of your social life, any but essential housework and any but emergency projects. If you need study time alone, now is the time to dip into your joint savings and invest in domestic help, and childcare. For this year, especially since you are studying too, this will be priceless.

Once your DH has completed the MBA, you will see an almost immediate rise in your standard of living - it really does make a huge difference in the doors it opens, and the job opportunities your DH will be able to go for. I did mine part time and it was very difficult as I was also working full time and doing some specialist professional qualifications as well. I simply couldn't have done it without the wholehearted and planned support of my DH. It took two years but was definitely worth it when I saw the certificate (with distinction - that just made me want to cry) and when I went to my graduation. I recouped the investment in fees within one year of graduating and effectively doubled my salary within two years.

DH knows if he wants to study or do anything similar he will have my wholehearted support though I would expect him to discuss the planning/timing with me first. For us, that's what marriage is all about - that support at difficult times. I can't tell you the difference it made when I was struggling with assignment deadlines knowing DH had my back so to speak and was taking care of everything domestic so I didn't have to worry about cooking, cleaning etc. Good luck!

YANBU I would be furious.
He sounds very much like his world revolves around him he needs to realise he's part of a family now.

I did a part-time MBA combined with a full-time job. It took me two years and a huge amount of the discipline. I got up at 5am three mornings a week and probably put in an average of 8 hours each weekend. The children were about 7 and 10 at the time.

I would question what your dh is up to to be honest and question whether he's doing more than an MBA by stealth.