To be sick and tired of DH's MBA studies (rant alert!)

[gastrognome]

DH is studying full time for an MBA this year. We have two daughters, one aged 3.7 and the other aged 11 months. Both are fun but energetic and challenging. I work nearly full time (80 percent) and support the household at the moment, though DH does contribute a bit financially. I have a very busy job that I enjoy, but it is hectic and tiring, and involves some studying of my own.

Anyway though I appreciate that the MBA is something that DH is really committed to and enjoying, he did rather bring the whole plan into play by stealth, as I had requested he wait till our youngest was a year older before embarking on something so time consuming. But he applied anyway for this year and just quietly carried on making plans until there wasn't much I could do to change things. in other words, by the time I realised he was planning to do it this year, it was too late to change the plans.

He has to stay late (past midnight) for corporate presentations at least once, if not twice a week, studies every evening and all weekend and has virtually no holidays, which means all school holidays, emergency childcare, etc. have to be covered by me this year.

I had an exam today for which I was unable to study last night (when i had planned to) due to DH being out all evening unexpectedly at yet another presentation. Our youngest daughter is not great at going down in the evenings so I can't always use that time for myself unless somebody else is around to help.

I still have a hundred and one things to do this evening, baby is not asleep (am bouncing her as i rant on MN!), dishwasher hasn't been emptied (husband's job usually) and husband has just left me to it and disappeared upstairs to study again.

AIBU to be sick to the back teeth of this MBA, given that it's not something I ever signed up for? I seem to get stuck with all the crap side of things while all the benefits go to my DH. Or should I just suck it up? After all it will benefit him and perhaps even the whole family in the long run, and believe it or not I am genuinely pleased for, and proud of him!

I'd find it hard to be supportive of something that had come about as a result of somebody who had been so underhand and dishonest tbh.

It's all well and good agreeing to support someone but being put in a position where you have no choice is a different matter entirely.

My DH and I quite often undertake new personal challenges and ventures, but neither of us would take advantage in the way your DH has/does.

I think it might be time for some ground rules!

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is a little bit about these presentations... I assumed at first you meant he was giving presentations ie being graded, but if he's just seeing people from companies etc... Is it all absolutely necessary? Does he need to go to recruitment for graduates - surely he's not going to be a graduate for at least 4-5 months?

I may be wrong but perhaps they are 'extras' - beneficial but not essential. In which case he really needs to think about their worth. There've been times I've had to say no to things like that for my studies, it's a shame but family comes first, that's a no brainer.

I can totally understand where you're coming from. I was in a similar position (DH was doing it part-time though, so he was still working and doing it in the evenings over 3 years), in fact I think I posted about it here (and got a resounding YABU if I remember rightly!).

It is a brutal course time wise, especially full-time. However, it WILL be over and your DH will likely find he benefits from it career wise. I was very concerned that having an MBA wouldn't do much for DH's career, but he changed his job shortly after to something he really enjoys with a better salary. It's all a distant memory and now we are enjoying the benefits as a family.

Hang in there, try to support him and hopefully he'll come out the other end with a good result and better career prospects.

The thing is though, I don't think the OP would be quite so annoyed had her DH not registered for the course etc behind her back. He does seem to be indulging himself a little bit and restricting your opportunities to do compulsory work so that he can do the optional stuff.

hey
i just want to say that im sorry you are going through this and that it is so so hard but you will get through it. im in a similar situation - im looking after a newborn, and my hubby is doing a full time degree (this is the first of 3 years) and also working part time. he has a bit ofa learning disability so what takes others 1 hour, it takes him 3 hours. like you, i don't see him during the day, then he studies in the evening, and when he has deadlines all weekends into the am (if not he is working his other job)
i was doing another course which i have had togive up as it is impossible to run the house, look after the baby as well as both of us studying.
it is soo frustrating. i understand the feeling of yeah he is getting to do what he wants and u aren't etc etc and your left to run everything and then i guess he wants his 'night out' too?
im so sorry you are going through this. but it IS for the greater good, even if he didn't go about it in the right way. you are managing the family now, but he will have to help out a lot more later then you will get to do what you want he can do more house stuff and you will be in a better place financially. this is how im trying to look at it. we have tried to get systems in place to manage things in the mean time- one night a week for example, he will go for dinner to his mums house, and take the baby. that means he gets his dinner (i don't have to make one) the baby gets looked after, i get 2 hours of time for me wether to do the house or study or whatever. is there anything like this you can come up with? also before i gave my course up i sat down with him out for coffee and said 'i have deadlines too. they r just as important as yours and i need x y and z to complete them, how are we going to make that happen?' so we agreed an hour here or there that i could work on it. it takes planning. (it didn't work for us in the end...but it might for you!)
anyway sorry for long post - big hugs to you. you have a lot on your plate at the minute and you will get through, a year will fly in... you will not know yourself afterwords

I think you are being selfish. Anmy study takes time and not just going to lessons / lectyures. There will be homework, assignments, examinations, assessments, projects all of which need lots of private time. At the end of it your husband will have a higher earning potential. Think of that.

My son recently completed a 4 year MBA. He had a full time job that involved travelling away from home, a loving wife and 2 small children. My DIL also had a demanding job. She was so caring and supportive in order to help him through the struggle hard work he had to put in. Why can't you be like that?

YANBU. great that he is doing an MBA but the world does not revolve around him. as many of the posts on this thread show, there are plenty of women out there who manage a full time job, and part time studies and have a family.

your DH needs to work out which parts of the MBA curriculum are absolutely essential in order for him to pass, and which are optional extras that he doesn't need to attend. Company presentations are likely to be from all sectors - presumably he has some idea of the sectors he might want to work in in the future and could make some strategic calls about which presentations he needs to attend and which he can pass on.

part of being successful in business is learning to prioritise tasks and multi-task. here's an excellent opportunity for your DH to put the theory he is learning into practice - how to spend more time being supportive of his family.

RuleBrittania - assume your post was tongue in cheek.

I think the way he signed up to this sounds underhand, but it's fairly common for men to feel (even subconsciously) a "pressure to provide" when they become dads or increase their families, which can cause them to throw everything into their jobs just when really it would be better for the family for them to be taking a back seat for a bit.

However, the real question is what are you going to do about it now? Unless things are bad enough that you need to ask him to deferr for a year and go back to this in 12 months time, I suggest you need to sit him down and explain, very clearly, that whilst you're happy to pick up the domestic stuff during the days when you're not working, in the evenings, you really need him there and pulling his weight unless absolutely unavoidable. Then set up a Google calendar and block out dates that you will NOT be available to do anything domestic - either because you're not there (sounds like you need a night out!), or becuase you have a committment like an exam the next day and you will be studing all evening.

If you had agreed to this, then you would be u to not support him. However, as he did this with no thought or consultation, then you owe him jack shit, in terms of support.

My husband is doing his via distance learning, while working full time. We chose that route, together, because we have a family, so money needs to be earned and the we still need a family life. When you have dc, you can't just do whatever you want and expect the whole family to fit in around you.

My advice is to make him pull his weight in the house and to have a proper discussion about how pissed off you are wrt his selfish and deliberately underhand behaviour. He put you all in this position, so now he has to suck up some of the consequences.

Why is your study, less important than his? Not being funny, but if you two split up in the future, his MBA would be sod all use to you, yet you have endured all the sacrifice for him to get it. Time to reel the selfish fucker back in and remind him that he is a husband and father first.

I think karma makes a good point. It's not a nice thought but it is true, his MBA is his, not yours.

What really strikes me is that I've seen dozens or hundreds of threads from student parents or partners of student parents, and they have all been either assuming that the student parent should do more housework/childcare, or complaining that they, the student parent, have to do it all. Yours is the first I've ever seen where someone's student parent is expecting to do none of it, so even though I know this is your one-sided version I'm a bit gobsmacked!

So:

Does he know what he is doing? Have you say down and discussed how much, in theory, you should each be doing? If you are working full-time plus study, and he is studying full time (plus some work, right?), it should be 50/50, nice and simple. bramshott's point about marking up a calendar is good.

That sounds like quite an MBA, my husband did his part time over two years, two evenings a week and i'd have gone nuts if he'd come home later than 10pm.
Are you sure he's not having you on ?

After midnight for corporate presentations? I don't think so.....

OP he is in the bar .....my DH tried that one once and I made it Very cler it was to be a one off or else I'd be wanting the same treatment.

I definitely think you shouldn't be sacrificing your academic studies for his. It is totally unfair that you couldn't revise for an important exam because he wasn't there to help you out - what would have happened if the situation had been reversed and it was him unable to study for an important exam?

I think you need to make him fully aware of when your important deadlines are - e.g. exams, work commitments (you are the breadwinner at the moment after all, the family (including him) is reliant on your financial support). Then he needs to highlight when his important deadlines are, and the two of you need to work out a solution - days/ evenings when the other absolutely has to cover, or, if you both have a deadline, get a babysitter, beg favours from friends to cover, etc. etc.

If you can afford it, maybe also look into getting a cleaner in for a real blitz occasionally, and do the absolute minimum in-between (and that's both of you - I don't think his studies mean he gets a free pass to do absolutely nothing domestic - he is still a husband and father with responsibilities, as well as a student).

Oh, and I would be really pissed off too if my DH went behind my back and signed up to something like this, then expected me to pick up all the slack - such decisions should be joint as they have such an impact on family life.

I think getting a cleaner is a good idea. Once a week until he's finished, is that doable?

Presentations until Midnight? twice a week? If I was you which of course I am not I would smell a huge rat there, and call bullshit. I'd want proof. but I am nasty and suspicious like that It sounds more like he just can't be arsed to do anything around the house or with the DCs anymore and wants a reason to stay out late and do nothing while you do all the work and look after the children, and he gets on with the MBA in peace and at his own leisure.

Op I have just completed my MBA by distance learning and prior to starting I sat down with my Dh and spoke about the commitment it required from us all. I also work FT approx 60 hour weeks. It was such a shitty time for the whole house as I had to at times prioritise my studies.
But although I was studying I still had to juggle my family and work needs and we agreed between us a schedule for study. During the time of my studies my DH was also supporting a large project at work which meant us working as a team to ensure DS was always ok.
I think you sound frustrated at the lack of honest communication prior to the commencement of his studies and also resentful at having to keep all the balls in the air with no obvious help.
I have to say corporate presentations twice a week is OTT and i would be suggesting this is reduced to a few a month, if these are companies looking to hire, I find it hard to believe that he has an interest in working for them all. Anyhow it is not fair.
I also think his level of studying is excessive and in some parts selfish, you both have joint commitments to each other and the DD's and this just does not disappear when you start to study.
I would sit down and work on an acceptable plan together. You need to be jointly successful.
Oh and I would get a cleaner as that in itself is a blessing :-)

I think he is taking the piss and behaving as though he has no role or part to play in the family unit.

The fact he did this without talking to you, and thus allowing for the implications of his studies to be fully discussed and agreed is bad enough, but now he is doing nothing around the house whilst you are working full time and have your own commitments (presentation you had to do in evening) shows a complete lack of respect for you, your role and your family. I am getting just thinking about it.

And to be honest, if this is his attitude now, what do you think will happen when he gets this high flying job - who do you think will be left to sort the family / house out? I am also wondering whether, when he is earning all this extra money cause of his super duper wage, he will view it as his money or family money because at the moment my bet is on the former but that is a whole other thread......

OP YANBU and need to be having firm words.

So, you're studying, working, and doing all the housework? And he just "studies" out till midnight?

There is no way that a presentation should have taken priority over your need to study for an exam. Your dh is being extremely selfish, and that's without mentioning the dishonest way he went about the whole thing in the first place.

He can't just opt out of family life for a year and leave you to do everything.

YANBU

Fact is, you thought your husband should wait for a year before he started anything. He chose not to wait. He shouldn't be insulated from the consequences of that, which is that it is going to be harder for everyone!

I'm sure the MBA will be a good thing for his career and hence for the family, but I would be annoyed too by the way he went about it. He should have discussed it with you, and the two of you should have been able to work out together how things would work, how his study time would fit around your job and studying, how you'd manage childcare, housework, finances etc between you.

He can't just focus 100% on his study and opt out of everything else - that might have been fine when he was single with no dependents, but as a parent you just don't have that luxury! Something that involves such a big committment and change in lifestyle has to be a joint/family decision.

Thank you everybody for all your posts. It really helps to hear from those who have been through it, or have partners who have, and come out the other side. And it's great to hear that it's worth it in the long run. And it's good to hear from those who think IABU too, as it helps put things in perspective!

I agree that we need to have a proper sit down talk about roles and responsibilities, and block out some time for me to get on with my studies/work if necessary.

And yes getting a bit more help around the house would be good too (we do have a cleaner who comes once a week, thank goodness, but the day to day stuff does pile up too!).

As for the late-night presentations, I was a bit sceptical too - I know that sometimes he stays on afterwards to work on group presentations, etc. and sometimes I think that yes he probably is enjoying the social side of it too, having a couple of drinks, "networking", etc. We need to discuss how many more of these he really needs to attend, I think.

I am trying to be as supportive as I can of him as I am genuinely proud of him for doing this... I just don't want it to be at any cost!

Anyway MN is a great place to let off a bit of steam rather than taking it all out on others.
So thanks again! :-)

One thing that jumps out at me is that, even though you are working 80%, you are also studying and that, presumably, this was already planned. Meanwhile, your DH is doing studies that were planned but not until next year (would I be dense in presuming that your studies would be over by then hence the timing suits better?). So he has effectively put his own studies ahead of yours, especially in not allowing you study time by not being present in the house, but he going off to do his when he is at home rather than doing his own chores (and again not letting you study - ok too late for that exam but for something else).

Sorry, probably not particularly helpful, but he needs to see that if he chose to go ahead this year, he NEEDS to pull his weight at home as well and still give you your study time. Yes, it will be worth it in the end, but he needs to share the pain of getting to that end a year ahead of schedule.

I suppose, OP, it wouldn't be so bad if he was studying for a proper degree.