To stay distant with mum over this

[PinkPoncho]

I was seriously ill before Christmas, in hospital. Knowing my mum gets anxious, when she rang I reassured her all was fine, downplayed the operation a little. She asked to come and stay, when I said I'd rather we just kept in touch on the phone she started ringing the hospital asking for a bed there.

At thins point before I appear callous, I should explain she has a wierd thing about illness. It requires blame, it's always someone's fault. Or, she won't believe the facts and makes up things based on her own opinion. For example when my ds was seriously ill she 'didn't think he needed the oxygen' that was keeping him alive. She is terrible with illness generally and always makes me feel worse. Even in situations where there is no apparent link (to me) she jumps to bizarre conclusions. When ds was a baby she minded him while I swam, the next day he was crying a bit, this was (obviously) as ' the chlorine must be bothering him" (through the breastmilk, I expect?

At any time I've been ill, she has made things worse. I once had a simple tummy bug and she was staying, I rushed home from a friends with my little boys in a taxi, had to rush to the loo vomiting. Asked her to mind them. Instead of doing anything useful such as making their tea and starting to run a bath after, she started dusting, saying all the dust in my books must be the problem. Then the children managed to let the pet finch out, during this cleaning episode (they can't usually do this alone) so it created havoc.

This time I'd been quite seriously ill and I just couldn't face having her there when I got home. It would have been too stressful, I just needed peace.

When she started ringing m partner (after I'd told her 'no') to try to coerce him into agreeing to letting her stay, I again said not to come. She had been telling him off about takngn in homemade soup to me in the hospital as I (in her opinion) 'am on a special diet' She had made this up. I had had a bowel operation but had told her I was able to eat normally. In fact the nurses had encouraged me to soon after the op. Then, the worst thing, she told me "You've brought this upon yourself, it's your lifestyle, the drinking and the drugs!" I couldn't believe it. (we maybe have a bottle of wine at weekends and I don't smoke or anything! I'm a mum to two little ones, it's sleep I need and don't have much energy or time for 'wild nights'!)

I didn't know what to say, I felt so upset that at a time when it would be lovely to be honest with her about my fears and have some sympathy from a mother, she was basically blaming me (the illness had been very painful, something rare which had no health-risk related cause, also quite serious and scary)

I basically get upset, said 'that's really not true is it" and put the phone down. Since then dp rang her to basically tell her not to upset me and reassure her that I didn't drink or smoke and she said "I know she drinks and smokes pot! (since when has anyone ever said 'pot'! the 70s perhaps?) She was getting all worked up, he said he believed what the doctors said and this was unfortunate although unforeseen and nothing related to my lifestyle and she said she 'knew the signs'...there was no reasoning with her and then she put the phone down after saying 'and that's what my mother would have told me' (which I think sounds like a cop-out)

Since then I've returned from hospital (yes this was all going on over the mobile where I was on IV antibiotics in a hospital bed) Fantastic. For a while she didn't ring. She did send flowers with "best wishes" on. Didn't send anything for Christmas but a large parcel containig large packs of Complan and Build Up (for me) and a card to my ds1 (6) asking him to come stay with her for a holiday and a handkitten jumper, oh and gloves for ds2...

I feel so guilty and yet I shouldn't. My dad says she 'worries over me incessantly' (guilt, guilt..) Yesterday she started ringing my mobile and landline every half an hour, I had a friend with a toddler round so waited till that had gone and braced myself to ring "You could have rang me, I've been terribly worried' she said. I didn't want to get into the reasons why I found it so hard to deal with her so i just reasued her I was fine but needed to head off now "well I hope you're taking care of yourself" (I have had a few messages telling me to take care of myself since the op...

I felt upset after the conversation and am wondering how to tackle her from now on. I do feel better away from her and her calls but I guess I have a duty to reassure her or else it may make her worry more. I think she might think I don't want her to come stay because I'm hiding this 'lifestyle' from her or something. I kind of feel responsible as she's on her own and divorced my dad (who, strangely, wrote to 'apologise for her behaviour, she's all alone and doesn't have close friends") I said he shouldn't excuse her behaviour.

I think she wanted me to 'apologise' after out last conversation. Dp says she should apologise! Argh. AIBU to wait for her to...or to face the fact that she's deluded?

Wow OP. I have no advice, but didn't want to ignore.
She sounds eccentric to say the least - i can't believe she was enquiring after a bed in the hospital!!

Quite simply, stop feeling responsible for reasuring her. You don't have any 'duties' as a grown up child, it is her as the parent, that hs duties towards you.

People who are alone have usually brought themselves to that point. I would be doing some straight talking. She may be deluded, this will continue until you set her straight. You have the right to decide what you will take from her.

I wonder how mentally healthy she is to have around your children, tbh.

She may be well intentioned but batty, but your post reminded me of another about "narcissistic mothers"? I think there's a fair bit on google about this topic and I think she does sound like she fits into that mould.

She's infantalising you, even if she doesn't mean to, not least by not respecting your decision not to fuss, visit or call, also more significantly by disbelieving that you don't do drugs.

Not sure what the strategy to move on is, be firm and clear I guess. Much sympathy though, sounds odd and irritating - not to mention upsetting.

Pictish yes I know. I overheard it, the nurse had her on the phone and clearly said 'no you couldn't stay here you'd need to get a B & B. Like I'm a child and she could stay next to my hospital bed or something (Argh!)

Birdsgottafly yes I have been trying to talk straight to her and glad to hear that others think that it right. My dad IMO does not help her, he seems to agree with her as he 'doesn't want to upset her" (they are divorced, her call, however he comes running to her as soon as she asks him)

She does sound a little unhinged. Is she showing preference for one of your dc over the other? I got that impression from what you said about Christmas presents. This could be very distressing so I would be wary of the effect her behaviour has on them.

As for you - you don't owe her any apology or any reassurance. If you want to repair the relationship though, you will have to do some very straight talking, which might not go down well. She sounds very stuck in her way of thinking tbh.

Phew, sounds hard to deal with. It might be good to really get some very strong and clear boundaries in place. Decide how often you are going to speak to her e.g. once a week or once a month on the phone. Be limited on the phone about what you speak to her about, maybe have time limits (clock timer!) If you see her maybe have strong boundaries about that too - either in public or just for short periods of time. It may help ...

Yes thank you I feel that's right the straight talking and boundaries, the thing is she lives over 300 miles away, in an isolated place. I'd find it hard going there with the boys. Last time she came here (only few weeks before btw) I made her stay nearby and was strong with things like giving her times to come round and having times she had to leave by. However I think she may have felt again I was hiding something (hey, that's her own bonkers-ness though) I do feel for my own sanity I need to keep clear boundaries or at a distance.

My dad was asking 'so you've changed doctors then' afterwards I thought 'what? how would he know that?' then it clicked- she's rang my GP's before asking if I was ok (I know this as happened to be at GP one time and saw on computer screen 'mother rang said unable to provide info..) Argh. Luckily didn't say who new docs is..although something about near the dc's school! You can see, how my dad goes along with her!

About her focusing on one dc, I think it's just that he can read and is a bit older (other just a toddler) only 6 though, so hardly able to go alone. It was tricky that he was upset asking to go on the train, made it difficult for me to explain. (Well I just said couldn't as mummy needed to get better at home)

Sounds as though your illnesses end up being all about her. I agree with janelikesjam-strong boundaries. Do not feel guilty!

You are lucky she lives so far away. Practice keeping clear boundaries on the phone, I know its not easy.

Eldritch you just reminded me what I said to her in tears after the horrible thing she said "this is all about you not me!" It's true isn't it. Am feeling glad no-one's said I should just do my duty as she is my mother, as an old friend said...(guilt piled on further!

Jeez Pink she sounds like an utter nightmare. You are not responsible for reassuring her, I might be a bitch for saying it but explaining something to her once surely should be enough to reassure her. She sounds like she goes from one extreme to another - from wanting attention and effectively putting you in the role of the parent to wanting to mollycoddle you. And wtaf makes her so special in all this? You were the one going through it and needed reassurance and support, not her.

I'm really quite on your behalf.

She was talking about applying for a over 60s flat here...based on having a relative (me!) Argh. Hope she will reconsider now. I rang the council the lady was quite short with me. Probably thought I was a neglectful daughter of a kind old dear. Little do they know. I am still unsure whether they'd ask my permission first.

Sounds mad but my dad has done that you see in the past (got a sheltered flat near me based on me) He is now up near my brother.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this, and I hope you're feeling better now. Is there any likelihood that your mum is in early stages of dementia. It can make people behave very strangely. I've been through it with my mum, and a few times really felt like breaking away from her completely, before we knew the reason behind the behaviour. x

Perhaps then it might be an idea to also look at who your friends are - it sounds as though you have been conditioned to accept people treating you like this . The posts on here have been pretty unanimous so far - for me that speaks volumes.

Mrs thanks. It has been a horrible time, was in and out of hospital most of December, dp had to take a month of work to look after the dcs, who clung to him and didn't want to know mummy much afterwards (this gave me a break to recover however I wasn't even favoured for a bedtime story!) and they are coming back to me now!

I keep mentally imagining her in a bubble floating far away out of reach! And trying to think of positive things. I won't cope if she moves here though. I am expecting she might try and get in touch with dp's parents to air her concerns with them (it's the sort of thing she might do). However I've briefed them (am lose to them and more so after this time, they've been great) so pretty sure that would be ok. As long as she doesn't bother them /upset them.

She has in the past got in touch with my work asking them 'if they thought I was ok?' I'm not working now but know my (lovely sane) brother has had to keep his employer's name secret from them.

Hadn't thought of dementia. She has been like this for years although seems to be getting worse. She is in mid 60s could that be a likely age? Her mum (my gran) had it actually. Well kind of it wasn't too bad. She thought we were evacuees though and used to hide food away, more like had gone back in time. Hmm. Gives more food for thought.

Yes to be honest I'm not in touch with that old friend much anymore, my more recent close friends do say the same as on here. The old friend had a very 'normal' family and doesn't seem to get it really.

OP, if you've not read this book then I think maybe you should.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, when all your energies should be on your health. What kind of a mother would add to your stress at a time like this?

Yeah, my mother does this, albeit in very diluted form. When she oversteps the mark and I tell her to back off, her response is often an angry "Oh, perhaps I should just not care at all!" As if that is the only other option.

People who ring you when you're ill and just emote all over the place with "Oh, I'm so worried about you, I haven't been sleeping" etc etc are not helping, or being especially kind. They are being rather thoughtless and self-absorbed.

Please ignore all references to duty-it simply doesn't extend to letting your mother run/ruin your life or drive you insane. And I would suggest you don't pander to her, because the needs you have to pander to just grow and grow. You will never assuage her anxiety, I suspect, but your readiness to try will lead her constantly to demand it of you-does that make sense?

Paradoxically, my mother got much better when I stopped trying to reassure her altogether. I really would have read the riot act if she'd rung my work though. That's barking.

Omfg she really is something else. Yep, VERY firm boundaries needed here as suggested previously.

I might be being ridiculous here, and if i'm being unrealistic then tell me, but IF she were to move closer could you severely limit contact? If she turns up at the door not let her in/ refuse to discuss any details of anything with her? I hope to god she doesn't btw, just wondered if this would ever work with people like this?

If you have briefed ILs etc then fwiw I would consider having a serious talk with your dad, maybe with your bro present. Explain just how dreadful she makes you feel, that her behaviour is inappropriate at best. I'd also think about severely limiting contact with dcs. If he knew how much you put up with might your dad tone down enabling her?

Thanks perfectstorm, I just ordered it from Amazon.

Sounds like High Expressed Emotion on your mothers part. The mix of overprotectiveness and excessive concern with criticism and hostility is good for noones health. Decide on your boundaries and safe distance with your mother and stick to them. Decide whether she's as bad for you as smoking (stay away!) or alcohol (see in moderation).

Enabling (dad) I don't think so as he's done it since for ever. She divorced him and he still runs after her. I don't know, that would leave her alone though?

I think the ringing yesterday was as he's gone home and she was panicking.

I will arrange to see my dad on his own and seperately from her. Recently they've been coming here together and that's a nightmare.

read the book and keep going back to remind yourself it's not you

Eldritch is spot on - its pretending to be worried about the person going through the shit when actually its more a case of "poor little me". My parents went through this with my gran when they were trying to have me - she was more concerned about never being a grandma rather than what mum and dad were going through .