To stay distant with mum over this

[PinkPoncho]

I was seriously ill before Christmas, in hospital. Knowing my mum gets anxious, when she rang I reassured her all was fine, downplayed the operation a little. She asked to come and stay, when I said I'd rather we just kept in touch on the phone she started ringing the hospital asking for a bed there.

At thins point before I appear callous, I should explain she has a wierd thing about illness. It requires blame, it's always someone's fault. Or, she won't believe the facts and makes up things based on her own opinion. For example when my ds was seriously ill she 'didn't think he needed the oxygen' that was keeping him alive. She is terrible with illness generally and always makes me feel worse. Even in situations where there is no apparent link (to me) she jumps to bizarre conclusions. When ds was a baby she minded him while I swam, the next day he was crying a bit, this was (obviously) as ' the chlorine must be bothering him" (through the breastmilk, I expect?

At any time I've been ill, she has made things worse. I once had a simple tummy bug and she was staying, I rushed home from a friends with my little boys in a taxi, had to rush to the loo vomiting. Asked her to mind them. Instead of doing anything useful such as making their tea and starting to run a bath after, she started dusting, saying all the dust in my books must be the problem. Then the children managed to let the pet finch out, during this cleaning episode (they can't usually do this alone) so it created havoc.

This time I'd been quite seriously ill and I just couldn't face having her there when I got home. It would have been too stressful, I just needed peace.

When she started ringing m partner (after I'd told her 'no') to try to coerce him into agreeing to letting her stay, I again said not to come. She had been telling him off about takngn in homemade soup to me in the hospital as I (in her opinion) 'am on a special diet' She had made this up. I had had a bowel operation but had told her I was able to eat normally. In fact the nurses had encouraged me to soon after the op. Then, the worst thing, she told me "You've brought this upon yourself, it's your lifestyle, the drinking and the drugs!" I couldn't believe it. (we maybe have a bottle of wine at weekends and I don't smoke or anything! I'm a mum to two little ones, it's sleep I need and don't have much energy or time for 'wild nights'!)

I didn't know what to say, I felt so upset that at a time when it would be lovely to be honest with her about my fears and have some sympathy from a mother, she was basically blaming me (the illness had been very painful, something rare which had no health-risk related cause, also quite serious and scary)

I basically get upset, said 'that's really not true is it" and put the phone down. Since then dp rang her to basically tell her not to upset me and reassure her that I didn't drink or smoke and she said "I know she drinks and smokes pot! (since when has anyone ever said 'pot'! the 70s perhaps?) She was getting all worked up, he said he believed what the doctors said and this was unfortunate although unforeseen and nothing related to my lifestyle and she said she 'knew the signs'...there was no reasoning with her and then she put the phone down after saying 'and that's what my mother would have told me' (which I think sounds like a cop-out)

Since then I've returned from hospital (yes this was all going on over the mobile where I was on IV antibiotics in a hospital bed) Fantastic. For a while she didn't ring. She did send flowers with "best wishes" on. Didn't send anything for Christmas but a large parcel containig large packs of Complan and Build Up (for me) and a card to my ds1 (6) asking him to come stay with her for a holiday and a handkitten jumper, oh and gloves for ds2...

I feel so guilty and yet I shouldn't. My dad says she 'worries over me incessantly' (guilt, guilt..) Yesterday she started ringing my mobile and landline every half an hour, I had a friend with a toddler round so waited till that had gone and braced myself to ring "You could have rang me, I've been terribly worried' she said. I didn't want to get into the reasons why I found it so hard to deal with her so i just reasued her I was fine but needed to head off now "well I hope you're taking care of yourself" (I have had a few messages telling me to take care of myself since the op...

I felt upset after the conversation and am wondering how to tackle her from now on. I do feel better away from her and her calls but I guess I have a duty to reassure her or else it may make her worry more. I think she might think I don't want her to come stay because I'm hiding this 'lifestyle' from her or something. I kind of feel responsible as she's on her own and divorced my dad (who, strangely, wrote to 'apologise for her behaviour, she's all alone and doesn't have close friends") I said he shouldn't excuse her behaviour.

I think she wanted me to 'apologise' after out last conversation. Dp says she should apologise! Argh. AIBU to wait for her to...or to face the fact that she's deluded?

Ha ironically the hospital advice on leaving was 'ok for alcohol in moderation' (couldn't though as antibiotics- all over Christmas)

Yes Mrs that's what I'd have to do if she moved here. For definite. I'm so glad dp and his parents are so nice and understanding.

Oh she sounds just like my mother. You have my sympathy, I know how you feel.

I've been in hospital a number of times over the past few years, each occasion has been very serious at the time. It has always been about her. I'm her daughter therefore it's her fault I'm ill.she has to keep phoning to check how I am with no regard for the routine of a hospital or the fact I may want to rest. If I've not answered my mobile she has phoned the ward. She will then keep phoning dh who will be struggling to work and look after ds.

Anything she is told about my condition at the time will be instantly googled and she becomes the expert, telling me that I'm receiving the wrong treatment.

I have learnt to tell her very little, just drip feed information when I know I can deal with her response. If I get cross with her for intruding she gets defensive then upset, saying she has to know because she's my mother. I point out I've been married for 15 years and dh is my next of kin. We then get the tears and I get the guilt trip.

I end up feeling guilty for not telling her everything when I'm the one who's ill. As you say, you feel you have a duty to constantly reassure her.

You don't have to apologise to her. You are an adult with your own family. You need to set clear boundaries as to where she fits in. Easier said than done.

Ancients yes it's hard isn't it. At least she doesn't blame you for it, although blaming herself may lead to you being drawn into further reassurance and therefore argh! Hope you feel better soon that sounds awful being ill a long time.

It would be great if they just distracted from it and were normal wouldn't it, did things like take you out for lunch and chat about random stuff. Hmm. Guess friends better for that really.

Does your mum have anything to keep her occupied? If not are there any clubs etc you could look into to try to take her mind off interfering?

PinkPoncho, thanks I'm fine at the moment, all under control and getting on with life.

I always think of the expression, give an inch, take a mile, with regard to my mother. The moment I tell her something very personal it is stored away and thrown back at me, sometimes months down the line. It's hard to explain really without sounding petty. I'll think of some examples later.

It would be great to have a normal conversation with her about any old rubbish. Meanwhile I can use mn for that

Pinkponcho I can't really give any help or advice as I have major issues with my mum too, fortunately she only visits every couple of months, but I did notice that its after her visits they I start to become riddled with self doubt and anxiety. I'm going through it right now, and am trying lots of things to stop these feelings, mainly involved repeating my mantra "Nowt wrong with me, plenty wrong with her"!! Thing is, my mum is a nice person, she just seems to want to keep me down.

You have my absolute sympathies and a massive virtual hug! x

Thank you, yes I'm sure I'm not alone. In fact I read this book recently and though a bit "Americanised" (talks about the 'Good Mommy Myth' for example) it gave me perspective- some of the stories in there! One grown up daughter too frightened to leave home as all her life her mum her frightened her with awful tales that she'll get raped, have accidents etc. And possibly worse, really abusive mothers. It was interesting as it recommends in all but truly terrible cases (e.g. your mental and physical health at risk) you try and keep some sort of contact in place, with boundaries in place. To try to let go of anger you have over childhood stuff, to 'grow' up and see the mother as just a person therefore be adle to deal with them better. I'm going to have a look at the other book too. I wouldn't find it so hard to deal with if her anxieties / delusions weren't SO focused on me.

Ancients my mum stores up stuff like that too. So in every conversation I can't mention anything too personal just stick to things like the weather which makes in very stilted. It is upsetting not to be able to share things in that way. However I've learned my lesson with that.

Aldiwhore that book I mentioned may be useful to you, it is

www.amazon.co.uk/When-Your-Mother-Cant-Friends/dp/0385304234/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326277801&sr=1-1

It explains things like why they may try to 'keep you down' like you mentioned. I've had that too, she didn't want me to go to uni at 17, said she'd 'phone them and tell them what I was like" so they wouldn't take me! Then when finals came round she became very 'ill' with her anxieties and went into a mental hospital for a little while (cue dad callig me to come help / see her)

Thanks pinkponcho I think reading that is a good idea, though my relationship issues are very mild in comparison I think it may help me grow up and see my mum as a woman I love, not a woman to please. If that makes sense. She is a good person. I feel guilty demonising her, but the facts remain that her affect on me is more negative than positive. I simply need to learn how to deal with it, because there's no changing her!

All the very best to you, hope you're getting better and sincerely hope that you find some kind of solution to your issues, it sounds so frustrating! x

I think setting boundaries and keeping as much information from your mother as possible is the only sensible course of action. It must be enormously difficult being unable to share stuff with your mother but clearly, this isn't possible. Which is why, sometimes, I think you have to step away from the mother/daughter relationship and consider how you'd treat someone else who behaved so peculiarly. And I suspect the answer to that would be "with caution".

My mother's mother was a complete nightmare. Something I didn't realise until I was an adult. My mother eventually cut all ties with my grandmother (as did an aunt) and I found this baffling and upsetting as a child since I loved her. However, on looking back, I can understand why since my grandmother could not leave things alone (so far as my mother was concerned) and if she couldn't get information out of her would also phone employers/doctors and once, horrifyingly, the former wife of a long divorced chap my mother had been out with! Sadly, she could never stop the interference because my gm claimed always to have my mother's best interests at heart.

I hope you don't find yourself having to take this drastic action OP, but certainly, my mother said she wished she'd had a zero tolerance regime (and been a deal more secretive) many years earlier. Because it might have kept the relationship from disintegrating altogether. It's very difficult to change the habits of a lifetime though and clearly your mother needs help. I doubt that she thinks she does, sadly.

I know a lot of people (but particularly older people) who go for this "it must be something you've done" line when it comes to illness. They think of something you do that they disapprove of (being vegetarian, having the occasional drink, breastfeeding, owning a pet or whatever) and then when you or more usually your child becomes ill, they say, "Oh, do you think the reason your child has appendicitis is because you breastfeed it/have a cat/never dust the house?" (or whatever it is). There is absolutely no medical basis to it, they just like to voice their disapproval in a passive-aggressive way.

Also, re the "worrying". I know someone like this. The "worrying" makes it all about her rather than about you. You're ill, she "worries" about you, therefore you have to forget about your own problems and start feeling bad because she's "worried".

What a bloody nightmare. Sorry it's all so rough for you, OP.

Aldiwhore just wanted to say that in that book it talks a lots about 'unpleasable mothers' just the thing you said. Interesting. It's not so easy done though is it, I found it a bit annoying this thing about 'growing up' a bit kind of patronising, but I see how it would help not to feel angry with them for not fulfilling my/our expectations of being a mum. Trying to accept them rather than forgive them is what is talked of. It recommended trying to find out about their lives and backgrounds in order to get perspective on their lives, maybe they had a difficult relationship with their own mum? However that doesn't excuse them. Thanks for your kind message about hoping it works out, you too.

Mrs Yes i agree it would be great if she did some hobbies or volunteered or something. I told her of an aunt who did and asked if she might get a dog to walk, but it was all 'too exhausting' apparently. She is very isolated in a cottage in the countryside with no car, 2 miles to the nearest bus stop (there is a minibus which goes round the local health centres and towns which she can ring to go by and pick her up, but she doesn't want to 'bother them'.

I've tried getting her a swimming pass to local pool which she wouldn't use. Suggested CBT, art group or something she won't though. There isn't much there though. There's loads here in my town, but then again she probably wouldn't either. One thing I thought would be good might be to volunteer to read to old people in a home or hospital, I would do something like that if retired, it would be distracting, enjoyable and would be beneficial too so make her feel good / useful.

Ancients it soulds like that might be useful for your mum too as she seems to be focusing on you and your illness.

Pandemoniaa thank you, yes she has got accustomed to behaving like this and getting away with it for too long. My trouble is, the less stuff I tell her the more she seems to make up stuff. She says she is getting 'fed up these days with me and my brother always being cross with her" she doesn't seem to really get it! (he had told her he couldn't make decisions for her after she kept asking him where she should live etc)

But from now on no info! My stomach churns to think she may have been on to the dc's school with her 'concerns'. I wonder if she knows the school name- luckily there are a few around here. Oh blimey, they do, they once went there argh! The school are on the ball though and know about the illness it's just the thought of it!

Yes hackmum they can be a bit like that can't they (older people) Bit unfair isn't it for people who are genuinely and inexplicably ill. I don't get this thing though, that it's okay to go on like that just cos your own mum did or something. Surely that's an excuse and they need to take responsibility for hot they behave.

I'm getting prepared for a big fuss, don't think she'll take this strict approach well at all.

tell you that you are fed up with bhe rlying - telling your husband you are a heavy drinker, and a drug user, and then claiming you are on a special diet. expalin to her you have no idea why she felt the need to tell lies about you, especially when you are in hospital, but you do nto appreciate it and if she had any decdency she woudl apologize for these lies. Also tell her because of her behaviour she made your hospital stay a great deal worse.

Thanks Kelly, yes when you put it like that I do deserve an apology, I think I might write her a brief note as she will only start an argument on the phone and try and turn it back at me. Then wait. Maybe I'll be waiting a while but that suits me!

It sounds to me, tbh, as if you think somehow you can be reasonable and direct and clear with her, and her behaviour will change.

The thing is, it won't.

Her behaviour is not sane. It is not normal. It is not happening because of anything you are or are not doing, so you don't have any control over it whatsoever. You can write a clear and honest letter, definitely, and keep a copy, and if that helps you then that's a good idea. But be prepared that she will turn it around in her own mind so that she is the victim. You are not dealing with the rational, and you're expecting her to change and respond to rationality. She is not going to. That's not your doing, fault or responsibility.

There's a joke: how many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? One - but the lightbulb has to really, really want to change.

That's the thing. She isn't behaving with the self-awareness she'd need to change anything. She sees herself as hard done by, not herself as being a cow to you. And while that's awful to take on board, because at times she will be lovable and sweet and what have you, maybe - nobody sane treats anyone they love as she did you. Nobody stalks someone that way from genuine concern. She is not going to respond to reason, because she isn't reasonable.