Is this an unreasonable request?

[deemented]

Firstly, let me just say that i have no desire to ever stop manshape from seeing his son whatsoever, that's not now, or ever has been, my intention.

So. Manshape sees his son three times a week, on a Mon, Weds and Friday, and we have him alternate weekends, picking him up on Friday after he finishes school and taking him home late Sunday. He also speaks to him every night on the phone.

His son lives a 40 mile round trip away. Manshape doesn't drive, neither does DSS's mum - i'm the only driver. The train would take almost three hours for manshape to get home in the evening - he just misses a connection - and a bus even longer, so it's financaily and practically better for us that i drive him and pick him up.

On the days he goes to see DSS, i drop him off about 2pm, come back in time to pick DC up from school, take them home, do dinner for them and then pile them in the car and drive to pick him up at 6pm, so we can be home in time to do bedtimes.

Currently, i am nearly 34 weeks pregnant, and suffering badly with sciatica and PGP/SPD. In all honesty doing 80+ miles sat in one position three times a week is absolutely killing me. I'm behind the wheel for a good couple of hours each time, and i'm in totaly agony. Painkillers aren't touching it at all. I'm not sleeping at night because of the pain, and i'm often worried that i'm going to nod off in the car. I'm struggling to walk as it is, and its only going to get worse until baby is born

So, WIBVU in asking that intead of manshape going up there three times a week to see his son and me being totally incapacitated from driving him, we instead have his son every weekend? At least then i wouldn't be driving nearly half as much. Only until baby gets here and i'm not in so much pain

WDYT?

YANBU in my opinion. I had SPD and it was fucking agony.

Yanbu to ask but his mum might miss her soon on her weekend.

You all sound very nice btw

YAdefNBU!

Suggest it, it sound reasonable and sensible but I'm unsure that DSS's Mum would go for it. Alternatively, your dh might have to forgo the Monday and Wednesday visit on the week you have DSS at the weekend, but do a Wednesday night visit on the week you do not iyswim?

YADNBU manshape needs to manshape up and learn to drive!

It's not for the want of trying, Popcorn - he's a big footed bugger - size 17 - and when trying to touch the pedals, he tends to hit more then one at the same time as his feet are so big and wide...

Automatic?

Size 17?

Jesus wept, is it true Dee?

YANBU to not want to drive. I think you need to all work out a more practical long-term solution really. Specially as you're soon going to have to drag a very tiny baby around with you.

Let's just say Sarah, that i'm a very lucky woman

YANBU I have PGP and have been told not to drive more than 45 mins at a time. You need to take care of yourself cos as you say it will not get any better if you just carry on

yanbu, also ask him to pick him up until after you've had your baby, SPD should go (or at least not be extrememly painful) after you've had your baby.
i had it too and was in too much pain to get in and out of a car, never mind drive one!

TBH, I think you are a saint for going along with this agreement for so long, pregnant or not! So you're driving 160 miles a day 3 times a week in total, 40 there 40 back twice in a day? You might as well be a taxi serivce! And I'm assuming you have to drive to collect and drop back DSS every other weekend? And it must be affecting your DCs as well, being stuck in the car for over an hour (assuming I've done my maths right) 3 times a week. How old are they, just out of interest? How do they feel about it?

Realistically, this just isn't going to work once the baby is born either, no way is a baby going to put up with that trip so many times a week. I know you said your DP can't drive and has tried, but can't he try an automatic? And what about DSS mother? Can't she learn to drive? How old is DSS btw?

I know I have enough trouble driving short distances with SPD and polyhydramnios at 35 weeks, I don't know how you've survived this long! But even if you weren't pregnant they would still be taking advantage of you imo, it just seems like such a terrible waste of hours of your time and your DC's time, it's not fair on any of you. Have you talked to manshape about this? If I were you I would be telling DSS's mother that this arrangement cannot go on, not now nor after you've had your LO, it's just not practical or fair on you.

Sorry if that came across a bit agressive, I'm on your side, I was just so shocked you're being put through this!

Sorry, just realized it's a 40 mile round trip, not 40 miles there 40 back But it's still way too much to ask you to do that twice a day 3 times during the week with DCs and pregnant/DCs and baby IMO.

Is there any halfway point that they could meet at if they were both to travel on public transport to meet each other a couple of times a week? I remember you saying before that DSS is 12 so would he be able to travel alone to meet his dad?

Sounds reasonable to me. You can only ask...

I don't htink you are being unreasonable asking for the swap.

but dss' mum would NBU to not agree (since it would mean she wouldn't see her son at weekends for a couple of months)

what are relations like between you all (meaning adults?) and how old is dss? would he understand the change in contact/possible lessening of contact?

my SIL has SPD, and is the only driver in her household. She found it tough the first time around, and is really beginning to struggle again (jsut coming up to 20 weeks).

I don't know what else to suggest - if all parties are reasonable, I can't see why it would be a problem. but otoh, it so easily could be, depending on how cordial relations have been up to now.

Sorry, just occured to me, so if this arrangement continues after LO is born with manshape going to visit DSS 3 nights a week, he's actually going to be seeing more of him than he is of your new baby?

Could you ask MIL to pick him up??

Hate to throw this into the mix, but what's going to happen if you end up needing a CS? You won't be able to drive for six weeks.

YANBU btw, it's a realistic short term compromise and you are still putting yourself in pain, bless you.

YANBU at all! I am 39 weeks pregnant so know kind of what its like. Tell manshape he needs to drive, you sound very nice, I don't know many people who would do what you are doing, how would manshape see his ds without you!

YANBU and I'd echo people saying you all need to work out what's going to happen once the new baby comes I wasn't able to sit down straight for three weeks after DD was born let alone drive long distances.

Also I think i would start feeling resentful if this was going to be how it was forever but maybe you're a bigger person than me!

YANBU at all, in fact I think you are being silly to drive him at all. I had SPD and had to give up driving. He can take the train from now on, and learn to drive!

Oh size 17, I see the issue has he tried automatic?