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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to sometimes really struggle with DCs invading my personal space?

36 replies

waterlego6064 · 10/01/2012 13:05

I don't suppose it's unreasonable, as such but I suppose I just wanted to find out if anyone else feels the same or if I am abnormal.

I am quite affectionate a lot of the time and give the DCs cuddles and tickles and so on. But every so often (particularly if my MH isn't great or I'm pre-menstrual) I can find their affections suffocating and irritating. My son (3.5 yrs) currently enjoys covering my face with kisses and doesn't seem to know when to stop. A couple of times I've ended up pushing him away :( I love them so much but I'm just a bit crap about my personal space sometimes.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2012 13:10

Aww perhaps when you feel smothered like that, you could think of some distraction techniques so he's unaware that you want him to stop?

Helltotheno · 10/01/2012 13:13

I find that too sometimes but it's mainly if I'm physically too hot. I get warm v easily and so does my dd and sometimes if she's a bit clingy, we just both get too hot! I remember once when she was about 3, we were in a v crowded restaurant and she wouldn't settle and wanted to be on my knee the whole time and I ended up having to leave just to get some air/space.

Mainly it's fine though. I just dread the day when the won't want to kiss and cuddle any more :(

TanteRose · 10/01/2012 13:14

At 3.5 yrs, he is old enough to understand that you don't always like an avalanche of kisses.

just say "OK, DS, enough kisses for now...lets read your book"

just be matter-of-fact about it, don't get emotional (even though you might be feeling delicate!)

valiumredhead · 10/01/2012 13:15

There's nothing wrong with saying "Ok, enough kisses, time for a gentle cuddle while we watch telly (or whatever)" I remember doing that with ds at that age. The trick is to recognise when it's happening so you don't get to the point of pushing him away.

Original poster

waterlego6064 · 10/01/2012 13:15

That's a good idea. I don't want him to know that I want him to stop :)

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 10/01/2012 13:15

X posted with tante

TanteRose · 10/01/2012 13:18

great minds, valium, great minds

TanteRose · 10/01/2012 13:19

water - why don't you want him to know? He has got to learn gently about this, for example, when he is with his friends and they don't want him kissing them too much etc. Another child will be brutal and shout and push him away.

you can start teaching him gently that sometimes too much is too much

Francagoestohollywood · 10/01/2012 13:20

I am extremely affectionate with my children, nevertheless, there were times when they were younger that I felt mildly frustrated by their constant invasions of my personal space.
I think it is a totally understandable feeling. Try not to push him away, explain that mummy needs to do this or that and say, "come on the last5 kisses and then I have to xyz..."

ImperialBlether · 10/01/2012 13:20

It might be that a child senses your detachment and tries harder to win you over. The only way they know to do this is by kissing you and telling you they love you.

It's so lovely when a child does this, but if they do it too often, I think it's a sign that they feel their needs aren't being met.

Original poster

waterlego6064 · 10/01/2012 13:22

Oooh, lots more posts while I was posting. Thank you for the suggestions all- lots of good ideas :)

OP posts:

bejeezus · 10/01/2012 13:24

Gah! Yes, yes. Just recently Ive been struggling with this. Mostly because both of mine arent sleeping too well, particularly 15month old-so up ALOT in the night with her, then all the other stuff in the day...then the sodding cat wants a cuddle and a fuss! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR 2 MINUTES!!!

DD2 will sometimes eat of my plate (pinch chips etc) Actually dd2 does it too...and I feel the same about that! Its MINE MINE MINE, Get OOOOOOOFFFF!

Its tiredness isnt it, I think?

Original poster

waterlego6064 · 10/01/2012 13:25

Tanterose I suppose it seemed cruel but I do see what you say re him needing to learn.

Imperial That's an interesting point. I can't pretend it hasn't just speared me through the heart as I'm not sure I'm meeting my DC's needs emotionally. I've got a few MH problems and am often not a particularly fun or happy lady to be around. I hope I'm meeting their needs but it's entirely possible that I'm not. :(

OP posts:

mrsjay · 10/01/2012 13:26

I think its ok to tell them to stop kissing hugging /climbing about you my dd has dyspraxia so she is very tactile , im not saying there is anything wrong with your dc OP , anyway so dd2 is always on me well if she gets away with it , when she was younger i used to say pheww mummy is tired exhausted with all these kisses cuddles lets do something else , distract your dc and its ok and i do think they need to learn about boundries and personal space , especially if you are having a bit of an off day as it can be suffocating ,

DorisIsWaiting · 10/01/2012 13:26

DD1 (now 6) has a shocking habit of standing right next to me, I love her, love cuddles but the casual invasion of my personal space drives me spare, I am forever reminding her that I do need space to just be. She stands on top of me (if that makes sense) on a positive note she is getting much better and as a result we have a nicer time /more cuddles.

(it sounds really awful when I write it down, and I do love her, I just find it difficult with anyone permenatly invading my space)

bejeezus · 10/01/2012 13:26

Ooooo..Imperial, really? do they feel their needs arent being met?
My interpretation was...that it is normal behaviour for us (really tactile and 'kissy') but its just different for adults innit? with the personal space/tiredness.... ?

Original poster

waterlego6064 · 10/01/2012 13:28

Tiredness probably make it worse bejeezus but I think it can be normal, up to a point, to sometimes feel a bit ARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH about being relentlessly pestered/needed/cuddled/talked at etc etc.

I hadn't realised I was so funny about my personal space until I had children.

OP posts:

bejeezus · 10/01/2012 13:36

there are loads of things I didnt realise about myself till I had kids!

I remember a horrific trip to Tescos when dd1 was about 2 1/2- she had a proper melt down/tantrum/ screaming on floor kicking legs...I eventuially managed to man handle her flailing body outside, where she contimued. I found myself KNEELING on her in the car park, so that she would run into the traffic!!!

I never thought I would be the kind of mum to be kneeling on my kids in carparks

Doomfinger · 10/01/2012 13:37

I know just what you mean! My middlie always wants to be touching me, it could be sitting on my elbow(???) between me and baby when when I'm trying to breastfeed, following me around almost standing on the back of my leg... I get really irritated at it sometimes and have even hidden in another room to cry because I feel so overwhelmed.

Original poster

waterlego6064 · 10/01/2012 13:43

Oh Doomfinger! The thought of you hiding away for a little cry is very :(

LOL @ bejeezus and the car park kneeling.

OP posts:

mmmmmchocolate · 10/01/2012 13:56

My DD1 4 is like this at the moment. She just mills around while I'm cooking/ cleaning etc. if its not her it's the baby constantly following me around. I must admit I snapped a few mornings ago and just yelled " DD1 will you just let me go to the toilet in peace!!"

Doomfinger · 10/01/2012 14:29

It can get very frustrating sometimes and it's a delicate balance between needing space and not wanting to push your child away. My biggie I can say to "give Mummy a little space for a bit, please" and she gets it, but my middlie thinks the world has crashed if I take the bins out! My poor baby is struggling with her too, she keeps wanting to lie on her all the time! Biggie walks in the room and baby's face lights up, she'll follow her around and smile until she pays her attention, middlie walks in and she bursts into tears. Oh and there's her pulling baby's head in the middle of a feed so the two hamster teeth end up in my nipple so she doesn't lose it.

Got to go, she's feeding baby...

controlpantsandgladrags · 10/01/2012 14:50

No YANBU. I find it very very difficult with my 2 (almost 2 and almost 4). If we are at home I always have at least one of them on me. I was brought up in a household where there was no physical affection (that I can remember anyway!) and I have really really struggled.

I give them lots of kisses and cuddles but I have moments where every instinct in my body is screaming at me to push them away...It's a horrible feeling, almost like I might go mad/tear my hair out/throw up if they don't leave me alone for a bit

Original poster

waterlego6064 · 10/01/2012 15:21

Very much the same here controlpants, I identify with your feelings. Sometimes it's lovely, sometimes it's irritating but sometimes (like today when PMT is here with a vengeance) it makes me want to shout and throw something :(

I had a lot of physical affection from one parent when I was growing up but none at all from the other so I don't think it can be that, in my case. I do have MH issues though which are probably to blame.

OP posts:

controlpantsandgladrags · 10/01/2012 15:24

If you work out how to work on it, do please let me know

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