to sometimes really struggle with DCs invading my personal space?

[waterlego6064]

I don't suppose it's unreasonable, as such but I suppose I just wanted to find out if anyone else feels the same or if I am abnormal.

I am quite affectionate a lot of the time and give the DCs cuddles and tickles and so on. But every so often (particularly if my MH isn't great or I'm pre-menstrual) I can find their affections suffocating and irritating. My son (3.5 yrs) currently enjoys covering my face with kisses and doesn't seem to know when to stop. A couple of times I've ended up pushing him away :( I love them so much but I'm just a bit crap about my personal space sometimes.

Sometimes I feel exactly the same. DD is 22 months and has just discovered hanging onto my leg. I call her the limpet.
Sometimes I would like to run away and hide. On my own. For a while.

I have been like controlpants too at times.

One of the worst times for me was when DD was small and BFing (and also quite clingy at times), and I think DS (who was then 2) was a bit jealous as he would be "all over me" while I was trying to feed or look after DD. I understood why he was doing it, but between the two of them (obv I had DD "on me" a lot of the time too what with feeding etc) I still felt totally smothered sometimes and like I was "losing myself" and just needed not to be touched for a few minutes!

We have got past the BF and jealous phase now, so it happens less often, but DS (now 4) still sometimes has fits of coming and leaning on me really heavily, which can still drive me nuts, especially if I am just crouching down or something (e.g. loading washer) so I can't even move away without making him fall down. Or he wraps himself round my leg so I can't walk. But now I think he does actually do it partly to wind me up and get a reaction at times...

It's a bit sad because I really love cuddles etc and DS usually hates them, so I would love more "nice" physical contact with him, and yet when he does this (usually at the worst moment too) it just makes me itch to get him off...

i dont think its being precious about your personal space thoughis it?i think its completely healthy to have personal space boundaries,and tonot want it constantly invaded by small people (or large either). isnt it just about trying to be more patient whilst the small people learn about personal space? and maybe managing our tiredness/PMT/MH issues so they have less of an impact on how we react to being invaded?

Thinking about it though, it is probably quite normal that we feel this way when it is unwanted contact?

With an adult, even one we love, it would be quite normal to like "wanted" contact, but we would expect them not to touch us when we show that we don't want it (because we are busy/not in the mood or whatever). A husband who held onto you physically so you couldn't move away, or kissed/touched you when you didn't want it, would be called abusive.

Obviously with kids it isn't abusive because they don't mean it badly and they haven't yet learned about wanted vs. unwanted contact. But that doesn't mean it automatically becomes pleasant... and it doesn't mean we shouldn't start teaching them not to do it, once they are old enough to learn.

X-posts bejeezus

good post Inigo i wasgoing to write that i feel 'abused' earlier,but didnt want to get flamed for inappropriate use of term....but that is actually how it makes me feel at times

(disclaimer: just leaving abusive relationship, so this may be a completely unrelated ishyoo)

First time around I was tandeming and biggie is pretty laid back anyway. Occasionally I'd have them both feeding and whilst it's amazing to watch them I'd feel totally overwhelmed, however great BFing is, you're topless, pinned to the sofa by both boobs!

I think it's completely normal, children do often invade your personal space, and find it hard, especially when little, to even imagine you have any! I also think it's normal to push back against that sometimes, when you are tired, or I find when I am busy at work, they need to learn that giving cuddles/kisses/hugs does rely on the other person wanting to co-operate and be willing. At 3 and a half, I'd just say 'Stop now' or 'I think that's enough kisses for me' and get up and physically move. Sometimes children persist in physically repetitive behaviour like endless kissing or kicking or whatever to see what will happen. It's fine to set boundaries.

But you do seem sad and worried about your parenting, are you getting any help or have anyone to talk to about your MH, even just to offload this stuff?

I often feel this way with dd. She is 2 and very clingy to me. Cannot go to the toilet without her following. Often trip over her becuase she is standing on my heels and I don't realise until I turn around. She is also up a lot in the night. I get a break from it when I am out at work and on those days find her lovely to come home to. Days like today when I have been home with her it is difficult because she would like to be in physical contact with me the whole day so very tired by the end of it. Dh will be home soon and can take her for a while. I find it easier to go out somewhere with her so she has more to distact her.

Thanks so much all, really interesting (and reassuring!) to read your posts.

bejeezus and Myname You both make sense. It hadn't occurred to me that a parent doesn't have to always be available for physical affection. I suppose I am a bit paranoid about depriving the DCs emotionally (for various reasons) and so tend to worry that saying 'no' to physical contact (even occasionally) would be neglectful. It's quite enlightening to think this isn't the case and that actually it would do them a favour to know that it isn't always the right time/mood for cuddling.

Hardgoing Thank you for your post; you sound very wise :) You're right that I'm sad and worried about my parenting, almost always. I never really feel that I'm good enough. I am on SSRIs but considering upping my dose and I am also awaiting a course of counselling so fingers crossed I can make some changes. I had CBT last year which was helpful at the time but doesn't seem to have helped me to make long-term changes.

At present, I do talk to friends and my OH about my MH but I just feel so unable to move forward. I am really lacking in self-worth, I think, and it can be hard to do positive things for yourself when you feel this way.

OP, have you considered counselling/therapy to help with your MH issues?, especially if they are rooted in your childhood (as they usually are).