To have got upset at having to book a slot to see best friend?

[MummyNic]

Long story. Best friend, has own part time business, got a LO and we are god parents to each others kids.
I am almost always free, day and night, at weekends (no social life since birth of pfb). She & her family are always "busy", takes 2 days to reply to texts etc. I have to arrange a "visit" at least a month in advance so she can find a slot, yet she only has a couple of other regular friends...
Was meant to see her just after Christmas, she cancelled the night before as LO (16 months) was snotty & grumpy... Nearly saw her new years day (arranged over the phone the night before), said she'd text to tell us if LO was ok... We moved our arrangements to be available... Didn't get a text until 6pm saying "sorry, had a bad night".
Got a text thurs to say all was well so contact to visit.
Now, reading that, it sounds like she hates me and us avoiding me!!! But, I'm her only long lasting friend, yet I'm fed up of not seeing her (just once a month or 2 is all I'm asking for), I want to bond with God daughter yet feel like I don't know her at all!!
I've sent a text, kinda saying what I've written above, because it just drives me mad. Don't want to fall out but I don't see why I should be left dangling all the time, waiting to see if we can go and visit. Oh, she's 15 mins car drive away... So not far.
She didn't even "have time" to drop Christmas cards in!!

Hmmm, definitely remind her DH that it is THEM that have cancelled. They may not have realised that it is their fault they haven't seen you if they are rushing about.

I would talk to her and say that you would really like to see her but feel upast that she keeps cancelling any plans you have and see what she says. I wouldn't do it by text either bit actually converse with her. Much less likely to be taken the wrong way.

OP, I don't know if I'd describe you as sounding needy, but I do think you take things a bit too personally.

I go out one night a week as a rule, DH goes out one night a week as a rule, we never go out together unless we take the children with us, so we're not really busy socially either. I have a friend who I know has fewer evening commitments than me yet we are always arranging to see each other and then having to cancel/rearrange because something has come up, one of the children is ill, we just feel a bit overwhelmed by the day.

Neither of us take it personally. I've NEVER cancelled because I just don't want to see her and it's never occurred to me that she has cancelled for that reason either.

I think we both just accept that we are comfortable enough with each other to be able to cancel if we don't feel up to it.

I probably get to see my friend one a half term. Sometimes not even that often. Being a friend is not about dropping everything to see each other at the last minute, not once you've got a family.

I agree you need to 'speak' with her. How on earth did you fit all of your OP (or at least convey your message politely and adequately) in a text?!!

I don't have much of an out-of-work life with friends. I deal with it by going to the cinema/galleries/the theatre/running etc by myself. I do belong to a hillwalking group. I see lots of people at work but socialise with some of them quite rarely. Am not part of a couple and haven't been for years and all my friends have family commitments (I mean with Ms, Fs, ILs, GPs, DDs and DSs). My parents are both dead, I have 3 children, am completely estranged from one and see one only rarely. The third may well go to university this year and being 17 spends time with her friends and, when not doing that, revising.

Fed up yesterday when close friend arrived nearly 2 hours late (no explanation, just texts saying she was running late), stayed 15 min and then left because she had arranged to see other friends. I do not like the feeling of being fitted in when there's nothing else to do. I rely on myself for everything - all the work in the house, the work on the house, school stuff, any disaster that happens. It's better that way - I know where I am, that I will not be let down and that if it's beyond my capabilities, then I will call a professional. If you don't have close family (in my case cousins in late 60s and 70s 400 miles away) but friends do and that's where their priorities lie.

Having a young family is exhausting and debilitating. As your children grow up you will meet other people and develop other friendships. If this issue really bothers you, don't text, talk.

just read this. The fb thing was her posing as her DH, trying to get a reaction as her phone had run out of battery and she hadn't seen text
I sent another this morning, stressing that the Christmas thing was the proverbial straw. It's continual let down that is what has annoyed us.
Have spoke to her this morning and she's really sorry, she's coming round with god daughter shortly so we can have a face to face. I said that I don't want to appear stroppy but it's her who chases for dates, I give them to her and she either cancels or doesn't confirm etc. said that I know we are all busy and my plans are generally fluid (like today was "the big toy sort out") so our not meeting is down to her. Said that just every other month would be more than enough but she has to start making confirmed plans instead of the occasional guilt trip (she tries to twist it on to me )
So it'll all be good, we've been so close for such a long time that I know it'll be ok. But we are adults and old enough to discuss issues if there are any.
Thanks for listening

Hope you sort it out!

FWIW I don't think you sound needy at all. Seeing each other every couple of months is hardly joined at the hip, is it?!

Taking days to reply to texts is just rude. I don't care how busy someone is; it takes seconds - literally seconds - to reply to a text. You can reply to four or five during a visit to the loo.

I'd guess that you two are such old/good friends that she's got lazy. She's taking you for granted. She needs a (gentle) kick up the arse :D

I've got a friend who sounds a bit like yours, not my best friend but a good friend. We go back 15 years and she is godmother to my DC3.

She always seems very keen to meet up ("we must get together!" etc) but it is difficult to pin her down to a date and then it is 50/50 she will cancel. I don't think she doesn't want to see me, I think she is the kind of person who tries to fit too much into her time and ends up not being able to fulfill all her commitments. A mutual friend of ours has stepped back from their friendship for this reason, but I have decided to accept this side of my friend's personality and keep trying to meet up. Every now and then we do actually get together!!

It's good that she's coming round to chat about this. I'd try and keep the conversation light-hearted and casual if I were you.

Don't worry OP I think you two will always be friends, you just both have to understand that sometimes in life will there will be phases of other shit getting in the way, that's all. Don't read too much into it. It doesn't mean the end.

You sound like you've been really good actually, best of luck with your face to face chat. I think there is too much trouble in texting - things get miscontrued and overanalysed and I do think it's an often lazy way to conduct any kind of relationship. But that's just my age showing opinion.

sorry misconstrued

YABU.

I am just like your friend, I havent seen my friends in ages because Im always so busy. Things keep cropping up, appoinments, illness, bad night with the baby.

I know my friends know how much I love them and Id never deliberately go so long without seeing them. Life gets in the way sometimes.

Although being on the recieving end must suck too so I understamd why you feel left at the sideline.

Hopefully you'll both resolve it but Im sure its genuine reasons on her part. Im not working and still struggle to find enough hours in the day. Yet both of you work on days which clash none the less.

Be a bit more understanding. :-)

She's just gone and all is well she's admitted that she's been utterly pants at keeping in touch etc. of course I understand, I have a LO too so know exactly what it's like, I have a very demanding job so, whilst not self employed, I have many things to juggle.
Like I said (I think), this issue isn't new, it was there before she had a LO, it's just got worse. So I accept it to a degree (I have another good friend who I see about once every 2 years, but that's just the nature of that friendship). What I object to is the likely assumption that "it's ok, Nic won't mind" especially when it is her who gets if I meet my other friends. I love her to bits but there's only do much even the greatest friend in the world will put up with
So... She's promised to see us before end of Jan & when the weather is nice we are going on joint outings to zoo etc, her LO is old enough to enjoy that now.
Still best buddies but the air is a little clearer now

I have recently ditched a friend for behaving the same way as your friend; always busy and frazzled when I saw her and when I suggested meeting for coffee she would come up with a date weeks in advance, so, say if I was to ask her today she would suggest a date at the beginning of March. I'm not that desperate to be friends with someone that I'll just hand around for months until they're ready to see me! In reality she is no busier than I am; she has 3 kids, as do I, she has a very part time job.

I think she just took our friendship for granted and assumed I would wait around for her and fit in with her, but I won't do that.

*hang around for months, that should read

Well done for sorting things with your friend OP. When she next contacts you to meet, if I were you I would be a little less accommodating and say that you are busy on certain days and can only meet on X day or Y day. It seems like you have been too accommodating and she has taken advantage of this. Perhaps it's better to be a little less available.

I'd agree with Hexagonal - it's not good if people assume you will be available whenever they choose to see you. If she has a habit of messing you around, perhaps invite someone else along to join you. That way, if friend A cancels, you can still go out with friend B anyway

I don't agree that you sound needy. For someone to make an arrangement and then not contact you until 6pm to cancel doesn't sound great.

Yes, she sounds busy and life is hectic. But I think you need to cool it a bit. See other people and don't rely on her for friendship

Thanks you lot
I have my other best mate just around the corner and see her loads because of proximity.
My new years resolution is to be a bit more unavailable. If I've made plans (like today was toy sort day but now that'll be tomorrow because she said she'd come & talk about it and apologise) I will stick to them in future, no matter how mundane they may be. I've also vowed to see other friends more often, I'm so busy with washing, ironing and other chores at the weekend that I've hardly seen them. So I'm going to give myself one afternoon a week to visit friends.
So I'm going to be less available and hopefully she won't take me for granted quite so much

Nic - you sound a bit like me, lots of arrangements are very fluid, and can be tweaked to make time for people. Other people have very different ways of making arrangements. Sounds to me like your friends has become used to you being too accommodating so well done for standing up for yourself.

I have a friend who is truly lovely, and DOES make time for me, but it must ALWAYS be scheduled, and she won't re-arrange her schedule to catch up for something impromptu. Eg, If this Saturday she has scheduled time to go through her wardrobe and put her winter things away and get her spring ones out then that IS what she will do, and she is not available to catch up for a coffee if we happen to be a 5 minute walk away.... Drives me bonkers!!! But I do love her to bits . It also makes me feel really guilty of my DC are having a truly awful day and I just can't take them out if we have something scheduled. But she has taught me that it is OK to be less flexible for others, and I can say no to things.

YABU. But I understand the sadness.

My closest friend is very busy, our boys all get on together, we meet when we can but have to plan it as her DH works crazy shifts, and she has a stressful job that leaves her unable to simply come for a coffee at the spur of the moment.

We've already booked 3 visits in, and the only dates we could get are weeks away. Its frustrating, but I am confident in our friendship, its just the way it goes. I'm more available than she is, that's all. There have also been times where she's cancelled simply because she just wants a break, if this happens, I offer to have her kids for a couple of hours.

Its never occured to me to be annoyed about it. I am important to her (and she to me) but I fully accept that I am not a priority, and her priorities unfortunately eat up a lot of her time.