To have got upset at having to book a slot to see best friend?

[MummyNic]

Long story. Best friend, has own part time business, got a LO and we are god parents to each others kids.
I am almost always free, day and night, at weekends (no social life since birth of pfb). She & her family are always "busy", takes 2 days to reply to texts etc. I have to arrange a "visit" at least a month in advance so she can find a slot, yet she only has a couple of other regular friends...
Was meant to see her just after Christmas, she cancelled the night before as LO (16 months) was snotty & grumpy... Nearly saw her new years day (arranged over the phone the night before), said she'd text to tell us if LO was ok... We moved our arrangements to be available... Didn't get a text until 6pm saying "sorry, had a bad night".
Got a text thurs to say all was well so contact to visit.
Now, reading that, it sounds like she hates me and us avoiding me!!! But, I'm her only long lasting friend, yet I'm fed up of not seeing her (just once a month or 2 is all I'm asking for), I want to bond with God daughter yet feel like I don't know her at all!!
I've sent a text, kinda saying what I've written above, because it just drives me mad. Don't want to fall out but I don't see why I should be left dangling all the time, waiting to see if we can go and visit. Oh, she's 15 mins car drive away... So not far.
She didn't even "have time" to drop Christmas cards in!!

You sound a bit needy as a friend tbh, as though you have a right and claim over how she chooses to spend her time.

It doesn't matter how long you've been her friend or what other friends she has, you're saying she's rejecting you because she's got other things on in her life, that could be seen as a bit of an overreaction.

You've been her friend a long time, but things change, and you can have different priorities when you have children.

It's not the best that she keeps putting you off meeting up, but if you're as pressured in RL as you come across in your OP, I would want to distance myself too.

YABU

She runs a business whilst caring for her child and hopefully having a relationship with her OH. If she needs to get things arranged in advance then whats the problem with that? If I dont get something arranged in time for it to go on the calendar atleast a week ahead then chances are, it wont happen! With a family, job and me freelancing on and off, I cant do last minute as every minute is filled.

I am shocked at your being pissed off about her cancelling her Xmas visit. She cancelled because her child was ill FFS! would you have preferred she came anyway and then ruined your Xmas because your child was then also ill? And thats totally ignoring how horrible the visit would have been for them.

OK so she should have texted earlier on NYD but I have had times when things have been bad and I have totally forgetten something and then though "SHIT!!!!!! was supposed to call X about today!" then apologised and explained.

you sound like you are expecting her to fill the gap of your lacking social life since you had your child, and that isnt reasonable at all.

Needy is the word I alsmost used zigzag!

I wondered whether I'd been a bit harsh in saying needy BF, especially because I'm pretty standoffish when it comes to other people which might have coloured my view.

The OP just reminded me of why I'm like that though, I couldn't be doing with seeing someone because I felt they expected it and would lay on a guilt trip if I didn't, rather than because I wanted to.

I didnt say needy for the same reason , but tbh I do think that she comes across as very demanding and needy.
I have had a friend like this and it was very hard work, we are still sort of friends but no where near as close as we were.

THat didnt make sense did it?! I meant I didnt say needy incase it sounded harsh!

Sorry, but I agree with zigzag & bogey - you do sound quite needy, and a bit like hard work I'm afraid.

People have different expectations of adult friendships, and if your friend is busy juggling the demands of her family and running a business as well as keeping in touch with you and a couple of other friends, I'm not surprised that she wants to plan things in advance!

Instead of feeling slighted by your friend, I think you need to be thinking about why your own life is so empty - how come you are always free? Perhaps if you had some stuff planned for yourself every now and then, you wouldn't be so hurt to find that your friend has other things to squeeze in.

Lol, not needy at all, the reverse is almost true. Had a shitty text off her because she'd seen on fb that I'd had an annual "get together" with some other friends.

My point is that I'm actually very tolerant of not seeing her, I am a busy working mum. But the shite I do at weekends is always postponable to see a friend. It was her who was trying to find a date for us to visit. Once found it was duly cancelled, I had no issue with that. What annoys me is the fact that I am not a "fair weather friend", I don't mind if LO is snotty & grumpy, I just want to see her, to see all of them! Not in a needy way, in a way that friends of 19 years do!!!
She often cancels visits yet texts "when am I going to see you", I always reply "well I'm always free so you give me a date, I'll be there".
I'm just getting fed up.

And my life isn't "missing something", I've done the whole socialising thing, I have a DH, a DC, a dog (although not for much longer ) and a handful of other very close friends. My weekends are far from empty, just not filled with unmovable appointments (or holidays )

Well that does change things somewhat!

Your OP implied that you are a SAHM that has no other friends!

Off to bed in a mo but my instinct is telling me there are two ways you can deal with this. One is, get pissed off at her....not good!

Or have a heart to heart about how hard it seems to be for you to get together so why dont you agree on a date, say the last Friday in the month, that is YOUR night. Make a big deal that husbands or kids are not allowed to ruin it blah blah and she might go for it.

It sounds to me like your lives have both changed alot and you are in the transition phase between young free and available to older, married and v v busy. I went through this with my BF and it was a couple of years before we got sorted but once we did, it was like old times but with kids in tow!

Just had a thought, is her OH the sort to get a bit pissy about her going out with friends? Some men are fine with seperate social lives pre- baby but post-baby they seem to morph into men who think that the missus shouldnt go out at all unless with him or atleast the baby. Maybe she cancels not because she doesnt want to see you but because he is being a PITA about it?

I'm sorry but into think you sound a bit needy.

I fear im like your friend and have a friend who behaves a little like (you sound like) you do and to be honest she drives me round the bend.

In my case (just to give you a "other side" perspective), this girl is 28, single, lives at home with her parents, works (sometimes) part time.

I am married, have 3 dc, a full time job, studying for degree at night. I simply don't have time for her - my priorities have completely changed since we were 14 and harsh as it may sound, all of the above take priority over her. She is very hard work and I constantly get the "you don't make time for me" shit. I find her extremely childish.

Bit mean maybe but could your friend be trying to give you a hint that you're just not picking up on?

If that's the case, your OP came across as totally different! It would have sounded a bit more balanced if you'd used your second post to explain it.

What you're really saying is you don't think you're as important to her as she is to you, and how much you've come to expect over the years.

Maybe a little bit miffed that you'd move stuff to see her but she won't do the same?

After 19 years (and I have friend I've known a similar time) you want to see them but have to understand and accept that things move on, for both of you.

Oops sorry x posts. That does change things a bit then - sorry

I had a friend that used to muck me about like that. Unfortunately I got too annoyed, raised my grievance and that was that. However, after this I realised there was a host of other things that really annoyed me about her that I had ignored, and so really it was a blessing in disguise. Could this be like your situation? Oh the ill child wouldnt be a problem, it was the cancelling by text 15mins before we meet up that would be the piss off!

Sadly not a SAHM, we both work 3 days a week, sadly our days off are not the same
My DH have wondered if her DH is the problem. Me and my DH have been together 20 years now so we've all known each other, she's been with DH for 6 years I think (time flies). His situation is complicated with an ex and a DC from that relationship, they have that DC alternate weekends. I get the impression that all life stops when that DC is there (10 year old child).
So its even harder as there will only be 2 weekends they can see us, although I don't know why we can't when the 10 year old is there as my DC and he get on really well. But, respecting that, I expect that every other month is probably the best I can expect to see them. I thought we'd see them more now she has a DC, not less. Her DC spends her working days at Grandparents on both sides so its not family demands.

I guess (WITHOUT being needy ) I don't want us to drift apart. Our LOs are just 18 months apart so we should be having fun in the park etc. her DH is brilliant with my DS..

It's obviously just busy times getting in the way but I want to, nicely, nudge her to just be... More flexible (like I am)

She's lost a few friends over the last couple of years, one just last month, so I must be careful as she'll be delicate after all that. But I need to say "hey, I love you dearly, but I'd like to see you occasionally too"
When I say lost, I mean massively fallen out with and no longer friends.

I wonder if your friend is saying yes, when she means "no" or "maybe"? I end up agreeing to things and then cancelling last minute like your friend.

No, it's her dates / times that she tells me. More often than not she's not free for a couple of months, she's lucky in that she has about 3 foreign holidays a year so there's always something. They do bizarre things like "go to XYZ city for the weekend to go shopping". They are very fortunate to have a fair amount of disposable income and I think that causes issues in that they can afford to have a night out in London, jet off to Spain for a long weekend etc. good for them I say. But... Equally.... You need to make time for friends & family (not just me).

Never mind, hope I haven't blown it, I was very reasonable in the text. I just want her to know that it's hurt me and that I don't care if one of them isn't looking fabulous / is behaving badly or is grumpy, I just want to see my mate and her family, in their home (so they don't have to drive about), and wish them a merry crimbo etc.

Maybe you think of her as best friend but she doesn't? Even though your children are 18 months apart there's a v big difference in terms of interests.

We have good friends who are godparents to my kids. Their son is 11 months older than mine. My daughter is 11 months older than theirs. Theyve made very good friends with people whose children are the boy's age over the last 2 years and the woman has actualy made reference to these friends as 'her best friends'. I was hurt (wasn't their best friend but were close definitely). I now have many other good friends who have children my children's age. So we share similar worries and concerns like school admissions or sleep issues etc. Obviously we don't just have kids in common; we are genuinely good friends too and we go out without the kids as well.

As a result of new friendships developed in the last couple of years a typical app gets taken up a month in advance as the weekends are taken up by swim classes and toddler birthday parties. We don't even have close family nearby. If that were the case we'd be even more booked up with family commitments etc. Take today for example. We had swim lessons in the morning from 9.30. Usually out of pool by 11. Then a birthday party at 3. Then rushed to another friends for christmas celebrations (orthodox christmas). Tomorrow we have church then friends coming round at 3. Between church and friends we will have a bit of shopping to do. Then monday comes round again.

Sorry if that was abit long!! just wanted to say that sometimes it's change in circumstances. We still see our friends the godparents and we are still good friends but it's difficult when you run in different circles.

Totally agree with the different circles and accept that. The best friend thing is very strong on her part. I have 2 best friends and a handful of very good friends. She's often of my other best friend as she sees us more (due to being free & around the corner, literally).
I think that's what's made me , she made a funny comment about seeing good friends and admits she's of other best friend yet, when I'm saying "I'm always available", she either doesn't commit to a date or calls it off. Just feel a little used I guess... "Oh it's ok, Nic won't mind if I cancel..." I feel she ought to know that actually, Nic does mind when it keeps happening

Then I'd suggest you make it clear that you do mind and maybe stop chasing or suggesting meetings. Just leave it. When life calms down she may have time to think about friendships.

I've cancelled skype calls with my oldest friend who lives in n America a few times before Christmas due to work and timezone clashes. She finally said 'your call' and I understood her point. We are hopefully chatting on Monday afternoon!

Oddly enough, her DH has put an odd post on fb. He's replied to one of my "game help requests" and put:
"and your God daughter.... Or have you chosen to forget???"
No idea what THAT means but he may have meant to put it on much earlier status I had which was "had a lovely time with XXX today, good to see the kids playing well" or words to that effect. Totally inoffensive in any case, it was quite a funny one...
So they make no sense to me. In fact, having written down what he posted, I'm angry about that. Looks like he thinks I don't want to see her!!'

Maybe he doesn't know what's been happening? You should comment back along the lines of 'of course I've not forgotten goddaughter. We were supposed to have met x and x! How about we come over x date for lunch? Does that suit? Otherwise y date is good too. Call me and I'll book the table'. And see what he says.

Oh good grief! This sounds like the school playground.

I think you need to chill out a bit and not be at this woman's beck and call. Next time she asks you when you're free tell her second week of Feb onwards. If you don't see her as much she might start to value you a bit more.

I was in a similar situation a year or so ago with one of my friends (on the receiving). Was working ridiculous hours, stressed and not doing or seeing anyone socially. I then had my friend bleating on about I was ignoring her and was so self centred, blah, blah, blah. I could have lumped her one. Fast forward a few years, I met someone and just moved on. I'm no longer in contact with her because I just don't have the time or inclination to see her every single week which is what she seems to need.

If you mind her cancelling then tell her!
The next time arrange something that you want to do by yourself and ask her to join. If she does cancel, go and do it anyway and you wont feel like you are putting yourself out.
Another idea would be to invite another friend and if your bf cancels no sweat. If she does come and complains. Tell her the truth "oh i thought you would cancel again so I ask blah blah so i wouldn't be billy no mates at the softplay/ park ect".

I have an idea. Pick up the phone and call her. You know, use your voice to actually speak to her rather than all these texts.